STEP
7
Let Go and Move On
“Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it.
Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.”
—Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
With courage and compassion, you have taken responsibility for the breach of trust through your actions or reactions (Step Five), and also forgiven yourself and others (Step Six). You have been moving through pain and guilt and are now ready to let go, in order to create an open space in the relationship in which trust can be rebuilt and renewal can happen.
Together, forgiveness, letting go, and moving on realign you with your sense of self. By being more fully aware of who you are, you expand your capacity for trust in yourself and others. The healing process is not about changing who you are; it is about becoming more deeply aware of who you are and honoring yourself.
Whether you were hurt or hurt someone else, in this Step you come to accept what has changed or been lost and what can’t be changed or regained. Once you let go, you free your energy for moving forward in productive ways. You are ready to go on with life, stronger and more self-aware, self-accepting, and confident than before the trust was broken. In moving on, you choose to act differently as you look forward rather than backward. As Michelle’ s father did in Step Six, you focus on living life in the future rather than in the past.
Accept What Is So
In accepting what is so, you do not condone what was done to you or what you did, but you experience the reality of what happened without denying, disowning, or resenting it. In other words, you are able to let go of your ego and accept what happened without judgment and blame. You accept what can and cannot be changed without anger, guilt, remorse, or shame.
Without blame or guilt, you become aware of what you can and cannot control. In that way, letting go is a process of surrender. You give up the emotional baggage that clutters your mind and heart and interferes with your relationships. Letting go is like cleaning out your closet and actually throwing the junk away instead of just moving the stuff to another room in your house.
The Risk of Not Letting Go and Moving On
When you do not let go of your pain and move on from your hurt, you risk becoming a person who:
Does not trust herself, thereby reducing self-confidence and commitment
Charlotte seems to lack the self-assurance to stand up for herself in meetings and express her perspective, particularly when it may be viewed as unpopular.
Does not trust others, thereby contributing to having difficulty with collaboration
Rolf plays everything close to the chest and does not share important information that his co-workers need to do their job.
Acts erratically at times, with behavior that is often problematic
Geoff is a leader who rants and raves at team meetings when he is not getting his way.
Harbors ill feelings toward others and is unforgiving of self and others
Suzanne is still complaining about how she felt wronged by Mary over three years ago.
Sees only the “all” or “nothing” in situations and people instead of being open to the gray area in between the extremes of “black and white”—the space that gives people permission to be human
John tends to view people as right or wrong, good or bad. You mess up once with him and you’re done for—end of story.
Jumps to negative conclusions and blame prior to checking out assumptions
Martha automatically assumes that people let her down. She never asks questions to see what’s going on before leaping to conclusions.
In letting go, you are able to regain power that you may have given away when you were betrayed or when you betrayed another. In so doing, you are able to free up stuck emotional energy and mobilize it for making the necessary changes in your personal and professional life.
Letting go is in many ways the culmination of all of the other Steps you have gone through on your trust rebuilding journey, so if you are having trouble accepting what is so without blame or guilt, use these questions to help you figure out which Step you might need to repeat in order to resolve issues and complete unfinished work:
What needs to be said or done to put this issue to rest?
Where is additional healing work needed?
Or, more specifically:
Have you discovered a deeper layer of pain not directly related to this situation?
Go back to Step Two to surface feelings associated with that situation, and then get support to work through them (Step Three).
Do you worry that the same thing will just happen again?
Go back to Step Three and get support to help you reframe (Step Four) and look at the positive possibilities.
Do you still find no reason or rationale for the way you or the other person acted?
Go back to Step Four to look deeper into the other person’s experience and within yourself to find a context that can help you to understand why the situation may have occurred.
Are you still feeling that you have no power in this situation?
Go back to Step Five, Take Responsibility, to see what part you own and discover actions you can take.
Are you still beating yourself up for your actions or reactions?
Go back to Step Six to work on forgiving yourself and others.
How You Know When You Are Ready to Move On
“Gratitude is the sign of noble souls.”
—Aesop
Through compassion for yourself and others, you have come to see everyone’s point of view and become able to forgive. Forgiveness has opened the door to inner peace. You know that you are ready to move on when you are able to reflect on the experience and feel that sense of inner peace. When you have let the learning sink in, you feel solace wash over you. You no longer feel anxiety, anger, or tension when the other person comes into the room or if his name is mentioned in conversation. You have let go of slipping into self-pity for what was “done to you” by the other person, and have taken full responsibility for your part in the unfolding dynamics. You now know that you have let go and are ready to move on. Things will seem to fall into place in a synchronous way when you surrender and allow the healing process to take its due course.
Another sign that you have let go and are ready to move on is that you are grateful for having gone through the experiences, as painful as they were, and have a sense of appreciation regarding the relationship and lessons learned. Not easy tasks, we know. That’s why, in the quote opening this section, Aesop invoked the term “noble souls.”
Here’s what one of our clients, Gus, told us nine months after the trust rebuilding process in his department:
“It is time to let go and move on. I’ve learned some lessons—difficult as they were. I have spent enough time, energy, and emotion on this experience for a lifetime. I would not want to go through this again, but I am grateful for the experience and the lessons it provided me. It has strengthened me, and I’m glad it’s over!”
If you have truly let go, you have feelings of gratitude for the other people involved, whether they hurt you or reacted to your actions. You can experience that gratitude, whether or not you were able to fully mend the relationship. Being grateful for those who challenge you is a task much easier said than done, for you often resent those people and their behavior in the moment, or are frustrated and angry with them for causing you pain.
Knowing You Have Healed
How, then, do you know you have come to the end of this healing journey? When:
You are able to let go of your ego and accept what has happened without judgment and blame.
You are able to reflect on the experience of betrayal and have a sense of gratitude and inner peace. Yes, there may still be a dull pang of pain, but your tears no longer flow.
In looking back over the experience of betrayal, you reflect what you learned about others and yourself and find wisdom that you will use in the future.
You identify what you will do differently next time. You gain clarity about your approach to future relationships.
You don’t forget what happened. You remember so that you take other and future relationships to new heights of connection and trust.
“If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily.”
—Gerald Good
Gratitude can also be a catalyst to help you reframe and transform the experience. You may therefore find yourself repeating Step Four at a deeper level. Giving thanks for the lessons learned and the benefits gained helps you change your attitude from loss to gain. You appreciate the growth this life experience has given you. Being appreciative of the lessons learned, versus bemoaning the loss and cost, helps to shift your attitude and your life from negative to positive.
Trust Tip We know we are ready to move on when we are able to reflect on the experience and have a sense of gratitude for the lessons gained.
Moving On Is Choosing to Act Differently
“You may never know what result comes of your action,
but if you do nothing there will be no result.”
—Mahatma Gandhi
Unburdened by judgment and blame, you are free to act differently. You allow possibilities to come into your life that were not options while you were bogged down and stuck in past pain. You allow yourself to renew relationships with yourself and others.
Like learning a new skill, learning to relate to yourself or others in a different way, with heightened awareness, takes practice, time, patience, and self-care. Start with small steps. Experiment with what works and what doesn’t. You are like the farmer going through all the necessary steps in order to be able to reap a fine harvest in the fall: you have prepared the soil, sowed the seeds, watered and weeded, fought off pests, and made careful decisions about pruning—all so that you are able to harvest the rewards months later.
In healing broken trust, your reward is moving on, not only with the relationship in question, but also with the rest of your life.
Take Gus, for example, whom we quoted earlier in the discussion about gratitude. His entire team chose to act differently after the trust rebuilding process. Lines of communication opened up between leadership and employees, and greater collaboration took place between people and departments in accomplishing goals. Gus also learned lessons that changed his personal behavior. When he had an issue with colleagues, he took it directly to them, rather than complaining about them to everyone else. He became brutally honest in admitting his mistakes and taking responsibility to correct them. That approach fostered a sense of safety for others to admit and own their errors. He was impeccable in keeping his agreements and supporting his co-workers in meeting their deliverables. His department results increased an unprecedented 25 percent—the highest single increase in the company’s history. His boss was elated, and Gus felt relieved and vindicated.
Reaching New Heights
When you have let go, you are free to act differently. It’s as if you have a blank canvas to fill. What does that mean in practice? You have:
Heightened awareness: You may notice that you are experiencing new sensations, thoughts, and feelings.
When in an argument with a co-worker over a job-related problem, I no longer need to make the other person wrong in order for me to be right.
A fresh outlook: You may see old things in a new way.
When I am asked to change how I work, I now am more open to looking at how to make that adaptation rather than justifying why it can’t be done.
A more open mind: You may gain greater clarity regarding how to resolve problems with co-workers.
When I am confronted with a conflict situation at work, I now check out the facts rather than make assumptions.
Greater flexibility: You may have freed blocked energy that causes rigidity. You now have greater flexibility of mind and spirit.
I have let go of my territorial posture and I am more willing to collaborate with others.
Reflection Questions
Describe a situation in which you let go and moved on.
What did you do? What did letting go and moving on look like for you?
What gain did you make? What was the impact on others?
Integrate and Celebrate
When you took action in Step Five, you began to change the way you behave. At that point, you may only have been acting differently toward that one person or in similar situations. Now, as you move on, you transfer that learning to other aspects of your life. It may be that in healing from a workplace betrayal, you develop new ways of acting or reacting that you can carry into your personal relationships.
As you let go and move on, you come to know that all that has happened was for a higher purpose. Sometimes that higher purpose stretches far beyond the situation at hand. In letting go, you sometimes move on to another deeper layer of hurt and betrayal that may take you from the workplace into your personal life, or maybe even back to betrayals you experienced in childhood. Letting go of this one betrayal may then be a gateway into much deeper learning and growth.
At this point, you know you can’t slide back into old habits. You know too much about trust, relationships, the other person involved, and, most importantly, yourself. You hold yourself to a higher level of integrity and responsibility.
The same client who gave us the image of forgiveness as a rose (Step Six) expressed the power of healing in this way:
“Healing from betrayal is analogous to scar tissue after a wound: the scar is often more robust and tough than the original tissue. And so it may be for human interactions.”
Above all, in Step Seven it is important to celebrate how far you have come. If you have experienced either side of a minor betrayal, your celebration may simply be noting your growth to yourself. You may go a step further to write what you’ve learned in your journal.
Marisol, whom we met in Step Two as she took time off after feeling betrayed from learning in a performance review about teammates’ complaints, celebrated the culmination of her year long healing journey by taking an extended vacation.
Use these questions to help identify growth to celebrate:
What do you notice about yourself?
Where are there early successes to acknowledge and celebrate?
What do you feel good or proud about?
What would you like to acknowledge yourself for?
What gift would you like to give to yourself to celebrate your healing and growth?
Pierre, a manufacturing plant supervisor who was demoted to an assembly line worker during a company merger, went on a trout-fishing expedition to a remote lake high in the mountains to be by himself and appreciate his newfound freedom as a line worker with decreased job-related stress.
When You Have Been Betrayed
In this section, we are going to follow the story of Stephen as he comes to accept what is so, integrates the gains he made from healing, and moves on in a way that drives not only his life, but also that of others, in exciting new directions. As this introduction to Stephen’s story shows, he acknowledged what happened (Step One) and allowed his feelings to surface (Step Two).
Stephen was as good as they get in his field. As a sharp, young brand manager, he was aggressive and smart; he knew what he wanted and he went after it. For seven and a half years, he gave his heart and soul to his company. He was promoted and enjoyed a close working relationship with his boss. When the financial crisis hit, his company announced layoffs, but Stephen felt safe. And he was, until he made an off-hand comment that his boss interpreted as an indication that he would lie to customers. “He didn’t ask me to explain myself, did not give me the benefit of the doubt, and did not stand up for me to his boss,” Stephen recalls. Shortly thereafter, he was laid off.
Feeling angry, hurt, and ashamed that he lost his job, Stephen blamed himself. “I painfully relived that eventful conversation with my boss a thousand times, reviewing what I said and what I could have done differently.” Filled with doubt, Stephen’s mind was plagued with thoughts of “I am not good enough, I am not enough.”
Although Stephen initially turned to drugs and alcohol to dull his pain, he ultimately accepted support, reframed the situation, took responsibility for his part and his reaction, and forgave himself and his boss. We’ll pick up his story as he lets go and moves on.
Accept What Is So
Ultimately, in the stillness of the woods on a personal retreat, Stephen let go of the delusion of trying to kid himself by using drugs and alcohol. He got in touch with his priorities, how he wanted to be in his personal and professional relationships, and how he wanted to live his life. “I made the commitment to myself to clean up my act and find a job within eight weeks.”
You do not have to go through a cycle of depression, drugs, and alcohol as Stephen did to be able to let go and move on. Like many of us when we are facing external challenging situations, Stephen’s internal demons came to the surface. In his case, those demons were feelings of inadequacy and abandonment. In order to get at his core truth, he had to accept his shadow side (see Step Six) without judgment and blame.
Stephen came to be able to look back at his situation in his former job without judgment and blame and accept what was so.
Knowing You Are Ready to Move On
Within seven weeks of that retreat, Stephen landed a new job as the head of a division for a large company.
About a year after he was laid off, as he was sipping his morning coffee on an early spring day, Stephen realized that he was ready to move on. He felt grateful for having had such an abundance of support. “In the past, I had thought that asking for support was a sign of weakness, of incompetence. Now, I see it not only as the right thing to do, but the smart thing to do as a responsible adult.”
He also took stock of how much he had learned. Stephen had come to realize that being a good husband and father was much more important to him than the amount of his paycheck. “Husband and father” more accurately defined him than “star employee.” He had come to recognize that there is more to life than materialistic goods.
As he sat there that March morning, Stephen felt a wave of emotion come over him. It was part peace: He felt at ease with himself and he noticed that the tension he had carried in his neck began to lift. And it was also part excitement: A thread of electric energy pulsed through him as he thought about the opportunities that lay before him and heard his daughter call, “Daddy, pancakes are ready!”
When he freed himself of his emotional baggage, Stephen was able to calm his inner storm and find stillness. It was in this space of serenity that he let go and found self-acceptance. He got in touch with who he was and what was most important to him. It was in this quiet space that became ready to act differently.
Moving On is Choosing to Act Differently
Doing what he loved, Stephen quickly made a positive impact on the culture and the bottom line of his new company. He now has a different approach in how he views himself and how he treats others. We asked him how he had changed. Here’s how he answered:
“I notice that I am more humble and more respectful of other people, particularly those who report to me. In the past, I had a ‘rugged individual’ attitude in order to get ahead. Now, I respect each employee’s input and go to great lengths to include others, particularly in decisions that affect their jobs and their lives. Before, I would approach employees with a ‘follow me as I carry the flag up the hill’ attitude. Now, I follow them as they carry the flag up the hill.
I have also discovered the law of reciprocity: what I put out comes back to me tenfold. In my new role, I counsel others. I give value to them and I receive much more value in return.”
Integrate and Celebrate
As a leader in his new company, Stephen is much more focused on taking care of and supporting his people to do their jobs rather than just bringing in results. He is developing an organizational culture of trust where leaders lead by example, and “live the work” by confronting reality. It is a work environment where issues are surfaced when they arise and are dealt with openly. Employees’ input and opinions count. And if someone takes a responsible risk and it doesn’t work out or even fails, she knows her supervisor will support her.
In addition, Stephen has made a strong commitment to developing the professional and technical skills of his employees. That commitment is beginning to pay off. Summarizes Stephen, “I see myself as a producer, as a developer of people and performance.”
Within the first few months with his new company, Stephen had even taught his new boss a few lessons about developing leadership effectiveness and trustworthiness, such as being impeccable about keeping his word and delivering on promises to his employees. Asked what has helped him the most to succeed, Stephen responded, “By realizing that trust begins with me. That I can’t expect my employees to do something and go somewhere that I am not willing to do or go first.” As a result, Stephen has earned his employees’ confidence, commitment, and endless energy.
When You Have Betrayed Others
The key aspect of letting go and moving on for those who have hurt others is choosing to act differently and integrating that change into your life in a broader context. Let’s take a look back at a client we have brought up several times, Nina. In retrospect, Nina sees that the mistake she made by divulging Ted’s confidence was “a defining point in [her] development as a leader.” Here’s how she expresses her growth:
“After I was able to forgive myself, I let go and moved on. Yes, it was a painful experience. It always hurts to look back and see that you lost yourself. But I am very grateful for the experience, because it contributed to who I am today.”
Tyler, whose story of betraying a colleague in graduate school we told in Step Six, had reactions similar to Nina’s:
“I learned a potent, painful lesson from that event: that we choose our behavior and there are consequences to that behavior. It took me some time to forgive myself. But I now do not feel bad about it. I recognize it for what it was.
Help Others Let Go and Move On
Here are some tips about effective ways to acknowledge others’ positive movement in letting go and moving on:
Reinforce positive behavior. Give positive feedback, and acknowledge the progress people are making. Doing so helps them to repeat and reinforce that behavior.
“I noticed in our weekly meeting, Will, that you were asking a lot of good questions that help you to understand the issues that others are struggling with. I acknowledge you for seeking to understand before acting on assumptions or jumping to conclusions.”
Be specific. Acknowledge the specific behavior that you noticed and when you noticed it.
“Patrick, I have noticed that, for the last two months, you have consistently been showing up five minutes early to our staff meetings. That reminded me of a conversation we had four months ago when you heard how your tardiness was impacting others; you said you wanted to change your behavior. I want to recognize you for following through. Congratulations!”
Be timely. Because of the demands on our time, we often forget to give others positive feedback. Do so as soon as you can so that you don’t forget and so that the specific situation is fresh in everyone’s mind.
“Alice, I noticed that you helped your new supervisor troubleshoot a computer problem this morning. It’s fantastic that you are willing to help her “learn the ropes,” particularly since you were originally a candidate for her job.”
Appreciate the benefit. As people do their own work and rebuild trust in their lives, they are more present, open, and able to be in effective relationship with others and with themselves. Recognize this growth when you see people becoming able to help others at work and at home.
“Josephine, I want you to know that I recognize that you have changed your behavior for the better. Since you have stopped talking about others in the office, I have noticed that people on the team seem more willing to work with you. In fact, the whole team seems to be in a more trusting and productive place than it was a year ago.”
Celebrate the success. Acknowledge and appreciate the lessons learned from mistakes, painful challenges, and even breaches of trust.
“Boy, Matt, I know you really had a tough week when a couple of folks you were relying on dropped the ball. But you worked through it with them and seemed to learn a few good lessons along the way. How about we go down to the pub and celebrate with a beer?”
Years later I have been able to turn that episode of my life into something good. In my courses that I teach on conflict resolution at the university, I use myself and my behavior back then as an example to help others learn powerful lessons about trust in relationships.”
When You Want to Help Others Rebuild Trust
When you want to help others let go and move on from broken trust in this advanced Step, your main role is to acknowledge the behavior changes that you see. You do so by giving people positive feedback for the new ways they are acting. Your feedback reinforces the new behavior. The Box gives you key points to remember in acknowledging others’ movement in the right direction.
By helping others to acknowledge the challenging road they have traveled and the progress they have made, you help them learn to rebuild trust and renew their confidence, commitment, and energy. It can be exceptionally uplifting to be present with someone when they realize how far they have come. We encourage you to take part in their celebration, for without you their journey would have been much harder. When you celebrate healing, you celebrate their discovery, their growth, their deepening sense of self, and the gifts they are now able to bring to others in their relationships.