6

Malik’s new coworker, Susan, was turning out to be a nightmare. Their boss had asked Malik to show Susan how to complete several reports that she’d eventually be responsible for. But when he sat down with her, she acted like she already knew how to do them since she’d done something similar at a previous job. “It was impossible since they were specific to our organization, but when I pointed that out, she told me not to get so worked up,” he shared with me. “That was the first sign that something was wrong.”

Several weeks later, Malik’s boss inquired why he hadn’t yet trained Susan on the reports. He didn’t want to get defensive, so Malik went back to Susan and offered to walk her through the steps again. She responded that she “had it under control,” and then asked him why he was so upset. When he told her that their boss was under the impression that he hadn’t done his job, Susan said she had no idea what he was talking about.

Malik, feeling desperate, tried to be straightforward with her, “Is everything OK? Are we good?” Susan smiled and said, “Of course, everything’s great!”

Malik was dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker: someone who appears to comply with the wishes and needs of others but then passively resists following through. Sometimes the saboteur will end up doing the task but too late to be helpful or in a way that doesn’t meet the stated goals.

When Malik first told me his story, I was reminded of a tactic I employed as a kid. When asked to do dishes, rather than tell my mom I didn’t want to do them (which, let’s be fair, wasn’t really an option), I did a bad job, hoping that I wouldn’t be assigned the chore again.

There are many ways that passive-aggression shows up at work. Is your problem colleague displaying any of the telltale signs?

• Deliberately ignoring deadlines after they’ve agreed to meet them
• Promising to send an email that never arrives
• Acting rudely toward you (say, ignoring you in a meeting or interrupting you) and then denying there’s anything wrong when you confront them, claiming “It’s all in your head” or “I have no idea what you’re talking about”
• Displaying body language that projects anger or sullenness but insisting they’re fine
• Implying that they aren’t happy with your work but refusing to come out and say so or give you direct feedback
• Disguising insults as compliments. For instance, “You have such a relaxed style!” might actually mean “I think you’re lazy”
• Twisting your words in a disagreement so it seems like you’re the one who’s in the wrong

Susan said that everything was great, but Malik could tell that something was off. After all, she still didn’t know how to do the reports, so Malik had to do them. He was frustrated and didn’t want his boss to think that he wasn’t able to delegate or, worse, that he was intentionally standing in the way of Susan’s success. He was at a loss—what should he do?

The first step is to develop a deeper understanding of why people resort to passive-aggression in the first place.

The Background on Passive-Aggressive Behavior

The term passive-aggressive originated in the 1940s in the American military to describe soldiers who didn’t comply with superiors’ commands.1 Soon after, it became an official diagnosis called “passive-aggressive personality disorder,” but was eventually removed from the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual in the 1990s.2 The associated behaviors are sometimes seen as a symptom of other mental disorders, such as narcissism, but it’s not considered a distinct condition.

Gabrielle Adams, a professor at the University of Virginia who has done several studies on interpersonal conflict at work, defines passive-aggression as not being forthcoming about what you’re truly thinking and using indirect methods to express your thoughts and feelings.3 People often use tactics like the ones listed earlier when they want to avoid saying no to someone or being honest about what they’re actually feeling, or they’re trying to manipulate the situation in their favor without being obvious about doing so.

Take this text I sent my husband the other day: It’s fine. If that’s what you want to do.

I had wanted him to come home straight after work to help walk the dog, get dinner ready, and supervise our kid’s homework, and he wanted to run a few errands first. It didn’t really matter what he did. He was coming home eventually, and I didn’t really need his help. I’d handled these tasks on my own hundreds of times.

So why did I send the text? It was a last-ditch effort to make him feel guilty and manipulate him into doing what I wanted him to do. And it was completely passive-aggressive.

People rarely make the conscious decision to behave in a passive-aggressive way. Rather, it’s a reaction, and it’s often driven by the fear of failure or rejection, a desire to avoid conflict, or a drive to gain power.

Fear of failure or rejection

Rather than rocking the boat or saying what they’re really thinking, your passive-aggressive colleague may be afraid of looking like they don’t know what they’re doing or of being rejected by you. Malik’s colleague Susan clearly seemed invested in appearing like someone who knew how to complete the reports (even though there was no reason she should know).

Rather than admit they might not be able to do what you asked, a passive-aggressive colleague pushes problems back on you. To be on the receiving end of this behavior can be disorienting, and as Malik felt, it can seem like they are intentionally trying to make you look bad or behave deceitfully, when in fact they are often trying to protect themselves from looking bad. Columbia professor E. Tory Higgins told the New York Times: “Some of the people being demeaned as passive-aggressive are in fact being extremely careful not to commit mistakes, a strategy that has been successful for them.” They become difficult, he said, “when their cautious instincts are overwhelmed by demands that they perceive as unreasonable.”4 Rather than express their feelings, they bottle them up and resent the person making the demands.

I notice myself slipping into this reaction when I feel swamped by requests from other people. Rather than acknowledging that I feel put out and unable to help, I will insinuate that they were wrong to even ask.

Some research has shown that certain types of managers, particularly those with exacting standards, have a knack for triggering passive-aggressive reactions in people.5 One of my coaching clients worked for an autocratic boss, for instance, who expected everyone to approach work in the same way and was unforgiving of mistakes. As a result, my client and his peers resorted to making excuses and blaming others when projects didn’t go as expected. My client had fallen into a pattern of using sarcasm to communicate his frustration with his colleagues, which had garnered him a reputation for being passive-aggressive, when really what he wanted was to not shoulder all the blame when something went wrong.

Conflict avoidance

People who fit this archetype are generally conflict avoidant. Rather than express what they’re thinking and feeling straightforwardly, they rely on more subtle methods to communicate their thoughts or dissent. It may be that prior negative experiences in the workplace taught them that it’s not safe to openly disagree.

Organizational culture might be a factor, too. In many workplaces, direct, overt disagreement is not the norm, so some people have learned to be passive-aggressive as a way of getting what they need to do their jobs. Research has shown that when a team’s goals aren’t clear or a manager isn’t explicit about what metrics they’ll use to evaluate individual performance, employees behave passive-aggressively as they try to sort out what’s going on or grapple with uncertainty about their future at the company.6

Similarly, big organizational changes such as layoffs, a merger, or restructuring can lead to passive-aggression if people feel vulnerable.7 This is especially true if an employee feels spurned by the company, if they’ve been passed over for a promotion or a raise or have otherwise been denied something they felt was owed to them, such as a prized assignment. This violation of the psychological contract between employer and employee is understandably frustrating, and rather than speaking up about what they’re upset about, some people retaliate, often in passive-aggressive ways.

I’ve been there myself: when I was annoyed at a boss who I thought was dragging his feet promoting me, I started leaving work early claiming I had “personal appointments.” Eventually he confronted me about bailing early and I admitted my frustration. He explained that my promotion was in process, but it was taking time. I can still hear his voice saying, “Please be patient.”

Expression of powerlessness

People who traditionally have less power in an organization may employ passive-aggressive tactics as a way to exercise influence when other, more straightforward approaches could be dangerous to their careers or reputations. In many cultures, for instance, women are socialized to not say what’s on their minds. Passive-aggression is, therefore, a more socially acceptable way to get their point across in these contexts. The double bind—having to choose between being perceived as competent but not likable, or likable but not leadership material—could also force women into positions where passive-aggression is the only way to make their needs or desires known because being direct or assertive doesn’t comply with gender norms.8 This is not to say that only women behave passive-aggressively. I’m sure you know people of all genders who engage in these tactics. I offer this as insight into why some people who don’t always have formal power feel compelled to resort to these behaviors.

Table 6-1 summarizes some of the common root causes of passive-aggressive behavior.

TABLE 6-1

Common root causes of passive-aggressive behavior

The Costs of Working with a Passive-Aggressive Person

No matter the reason for their behavior, dealing with a passive-aggressive peer is no walk in the park. You often question yourself, wondering, “Am I imagining these attacks? Am I losing my mind?” You don’t know if you can trust your colleague or not. All of the worrying and ruminating about your interactions can hurt your morale and even lead to burnout.

Research shows that the costs are not just to you but to the organization and its bottom line as well.9 When there’s one person (or several people) on a team who behave passive-aggressively, it’s more likely that the team will make slower decisions, communicate ineffectively, and engage in unhealthy conflict.

One study showed that organizations with a passive-aggressive culture were about half as profitable compared to their peers. The study authors described companies that fall into that category this way: “In passive-aggressive organizations, people pay … directives lip service, putting in only enough effort to appear compliant. Employees feel free to do as they see fit because there are hardly ever unpleasant consequences, and the directives themselves are often misguided and thus seem worthy of defiance.”10

What can you do to avoid these costs—for yourself and your organization—and put yourself on a path to a better relationship with your passive-aggressive colleague? The first step, as with any difficult colleague, is to do some reflecting.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Ask yourself the following questions about the dynamic between you and your passive-aggressive peer.

Is this behavior about you or might it be triggered by something else?

It’s possible that your colleague’s conduct has nothing to do with you. Look at the common root causes in table 6-1. Could your coworker be feeling insecure? Afraid to make mistakes? Worried about their own reputation and career? Does the company culture encourage passive-aggressive behavior? Maybe last time they raised a concern or pushed back, another coworker bit their head off. What’s the level of psychological safety on your team? Does everyone feel comfortable speaking their minds or are people punished for expressing dissent?

Is your colleague intentionally trying to hurt you?

Be honest with yourself about whether your colleague is truly out to get you. Gabrielle Adams separates run-of-the-mill passive-aggression from “purposeful lying that’s meant to obscure a person’s intentions.”11 We often assign negative intentions to others where they don’t exist. Is it possible that they’re struggling and taking out their anxiety on you?

Of course, people’s objectives aren’t always clear. When your colleague doesn’t do their part on a shared project or makes sarcastic remarks about you, they could be trying to cover up their own shortcomings, or they might be trying to make you look bad so that they have a better chance of getting assigned to your boss’s pet project. Be generous in your interpretations but also be realistic about what’s going on.

Are past experiences with your passive-aggressive peer coloring present interactions?

When someone has acted passive-aggressively in the past, confirmation bias primes us to see all of their behavior in the same light. Ask whether you’re interpreting your colleague’s actions through a tainted lens and assuming they’re repeating past mistakes. One way to increase your objectivity is to think of a coworker who you get along with well and ask yourself: “How would I interpret this same behavior from that person?”

When is this person passive-aggressive?

Sometimes people act out under certain conditions whether it’s when they’re stressed, when they work with particular colleagues, or when they feel like their authority, job security, or their values are threatened. Pay attention to when your coworker is passive-aggressive. Is it in specific meetings? Or when a certain person is present? Do they communicate better in person than over email (or vice versa)?

Reflecting on these questions will help you understand your colleague better and, most importantly, inform which tactics to choose.

Tactics to Try

While there is no universal script for dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker, the following tactics will improve your odds of getting along. Use whichever ones you think will be most helpful in your unique situation. Try one (or two) things, see what you learn, and adjust accordingly.

Avoid the passive-aggressive label

It’s tempting to call out the behavior directly. But saying “stop being so passive-aggressive” will only make things worse. Why? The phrase is loaded, and it’s rare that someone would be willing to acknowledge that’s what they’re doing. I’d be shocked if your colleague said, “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll stop.” More likely it’s going to make them angrier and more defensive. You also don’t want to assign them feelings they might not recognize—or be willing to admit—they have. Lindred Greer, a professor at the University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, says that labeling people’s emotions for them can backfire.12 As she told me, “The chances of you choosing the right emotion are so small, you’re likely to mislabel,” further frustrating them.13 Telling a coworker you’re in conflict with their “looking angry” or “seeming frustrated” does little to lessen the tension. What should you do instead?

Focus on the content, not the delivery

Seek to understand what your colleague is really trying to say. What is the underlying idea they’re attempting to convey (even if it’s wrapped up in a snarky comment)? Do they think that the way you’re running a project isn’t working? Or do they disagree about the team’s goals?

Remember that not everyone feels comfortable discussing their thoughts and opinions openly. If you can focus on your coworker’s underlying concern or question, rather than the way they’re expressing themselves, you can address the actual problem.

Armed with insight into your coworker’s thoughts, you can then be direct. Say something like: “You made a good point in that exchange we had the other day. Here’s what I heard you saying.” Ideally, this will allow your evasive colleague to talk more frankly about their concerns (there’s more advice on how to do that in the next section).

This is what Meena did with her colleague Victor, who seemed intent on undermining her whenever they collaborated. Meena, a leadership trainer, valued Victor’s expertise and often asked him to be her copresenter, which he was seemingly happy to do. But during their presentations, he would sometimes steal her thunder, interjecting with many of the critical points that they’d agreed Meena would share with the audience. Meena’s attempts to deal with Victor directly didn’t work—he just denied that he was doing anything wrong. Looking for the motivation behind Victor’s sabotage, Meena started to suspect that he didn’t like her being positioned as the subject-matter expert.

Based on her hunch, she tried a different tactic, appealing to Victor’s expertise during their planning sessions. She’d say things like, “I know you have a lot of experience in this area and want you to have the chance to share what you know.” And it helped—their joint presentations went much more smoothly with Meena’s efforts to share the spotlight. She acknowledges that what she really wanted from Victor was an apology, but at the end of the day, it was enough that he stopped undermining her.

Don’t think of an empathetic approach like Meena’s as letting your coworker off the hook for their bad behavior. Instead, see it as a way to nudge them into being more productive in their interactions and for you to get what you need.

Open up a conversation

Of course, you may not fully understand what your coworker really wants. If they express excitement when you ask them to help out with a project, but then never show up to the meetings or respond to your emails, it can be hard to figure out why you’re getting the cold shoulder. But spend some time thinking about possible explanations. In negotiation, this is known as assessing the other person’s interests. What do they care about? What do they want to achieve?

Then do what Gabrielle Adams calls “hypothesis testing”: ask—respectfully and without judgment—about what’s going on. For instance, you might say: “I’ve noticed that you haven’t been responding to my emails. Is there something wrong? I don’t mean to pry, but I just want to be sure everything’s OK.”

Social psychologist Heidi Grant says that it’s beneficial to “create a safe environment for the person to talk to you about what’s bothering them. You want to roll out the red carpet for a direct conversation so they don’t feel the need to be passive-aggressive.”14 She suggests making clear that you’re interested in their perspective, no matter how hard it may be for you to hear.

The advantage to opening up a conversation like this is that it allows the person to label their own behavior and emotions. If your colleague acknowledges how they’re actually feeling (although there’s no guarantee that they will), they are one step closer to breaking the habit of responding passive-aggressively.

Don’t take the bait in email or text

It’s worth noting that email and chat platforms are a horrible medium for any difficult conversation, but especially one with a passive-aggressive colleague. If your coworker makes jabs in writing, keep your response professional and short. For example, if your coworker writes, “Not sure if you saw my last email,” you can respond with a simple, “Thanks for the reminder.” If they write, “As we discussed earlier,” and recap a conversation you both know you had, you can respond with, “Thanks for the recap.” Model the respectful candor you wish your colleague would exhibit. Don’t take the bait. If it’s impossible to stay above the fray, pick up the phone or schedule a video call or a face-to-face meeting. This will force your colleague to talk with you more directly.

Make direct requests

You can be even more direct. As I mentioned earlier, accusing your colleague of being passive-aggressive is unlikely to work, but you can call attention to what’s happening. With this tactic, it’s best to stick to facts: the things you know for sure, without emotion, judgment, or exaggeration. You might start by saying, “You said that you wanted to help with this project and you haven’t joined the three meetings we’ve had so far. You didn’t respond to the email I sent last week about next steps.” Then explain the impact these actions have had on you: “I’m disappointed and stressed-out because I’m not able to do all of the work myself and I had hoped to have your help.” Finally, and this is the tricky part, make a straightforward request: “If you are still interested in helping out, and I hope you are, I’d like you to attend the meetings. If you aren’t able to, I need to know now so I can find an alternative solution.”

Keep in mind that a passive-aggressive type will probably deflect responsibility (“I assumed my attendance was optional!” “I said that I might help out, but I never committed!”), so don’t be surprised if you get pushback. They may even try to twist your words or take your comments out of context: “I heard you say that you didn’t want anyone extra at that meeting.” In those cases, calmly respond, without getting defensive, “What I meant was …” You can even add, “Sorry if that wasn’t clear” or “We must’ve had a miscommunication.” Don’t get into a tug of war about who is right and who is wrong. And remember that you can only control your half of the interaction—you can’t ensure a productive response. However, by respectfully acknowledging your colleague’s behavior, you’re letting them know that you’ve noted their passive-aggression and that you are a straight shooter who doesn’t intend to let them get away with it.

Get support from the team

It’s easier to get caught up in a never-ending “You’re mad,” “No, I’m not” war when it’s just the two of you. So enlist the help of your teammates. You don’t need to gang up on anyone, but you don’t have to deal with the situation alone either.

Start by asking whether others are noticing similar behaviors. Frame your inquiries as an attempt to constructively improve the relationship, so it doesn’t come across as gossiping or bad-mouthing your colleague. You might ask something like: “I was wondering how Shawn’s comment landed with you. How did you interpret that?”

If your teammates confirm that counterproductive behavior is occurring, you can decide together how to proceed. For example, it might help to set guidelines for how everyone on your team will interact. You can decide collectively that when you’re discussing next steps, everyone will verbally commit to what they will do, rather than rely on head-nodding or assume silence is compliance. You might also take notes about who’s supposed to do what by when, so there are clear action items and deadlines you can circulate afterward.

If your colleague later denies agreeing to something or fails to do their part, the team can help hold them accountable. Even the worst offenders are likely to give in to peer pressure and public accountability.

Take this example from Mitch, who worked in the student guidance office of a public high school. He was struggling with his colleague Alicia. “She would agree to a plan in a meeting but then sabotage it by not following through,” he explained. Alicia responded defensively, “That’s not how I remember it” or “I didn’t think we had finalized the plan.” He tried to talk about these “misunderstandings” with her, but she always shrugged him off. “She’d say she was busy or didn’t have time to talk,” he said.

When Mitch reported to Rita, his and Alicia’s boss, that a certain project hadn’t gotten done because of this confounding dynamic, Rita said that she had noticed the pattern too. Together, they devised a plan to hold Alicia accountable. “She and I agreed that she would publicly ask for a volunteer to take notes at each meeting, [documenting] who would be responsible for accomplishing each task and by when,” Mitch recalled to me. He was the first volunteer.

The approach worked. After Mitch sent around the task list, Alicia couldn’t make excuses. She was accountable to everyone who attended the meetings. And Mitch didn’t mind the additional work: “The extra effort I put in was less than the time I was spending fuming about my coworker and picking up the pieces of the things she didn’t complete. It actually helped everyone in our department be more productive and was something we should’ve done a long time ago.”

Establishing healthy norms as a team will pay off in the long term. A team-based approach like the one Mitch used has been found in a variety of studies to reduce incivility in general.15 Together you can agree to be more up front about your frustrations and collectively model the honest and direct interactions you want to happen.

If you’re a manager, you have a responsibility to act

If you lead a team on which one or more members are acting passive-aggressively, don’t delay—this behavior corrodes trust and psychological safety. You have a responsibility to make clear that underhanded behavior isn’t tolerated. This starts with establishing group norms like the ones mentioned earlier and reinforcing them however you can—in team meetings, at important events, and through recognition. The idea is to empower the group to hold one another accountable for being respectful and to stop rewarding passive-aggression and other detrimental behavior.

You also need to make it OK for people to dissent, debate, and express their true opinions. You don’t want people to act like they see eye to eye but undermine one another or disagree behind closed doors. Patrick Lencioni, author of The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, refers to this phenomenon as “artificial harmony,” and explains that it creates a breeding ground for passive-aggression. “When team members do not openly debate and disagree about important ideas, they often turn to back-channel personal attacks, which are far nastier and more harmful than any heated argument over issues,” he writes. “Contrary to the notion that teams waste time and energy arguing, those that avoid conflict actually doom themselves to revisiting issues again and again, without resolution.”16

Focus on the benefits of addressing conflict directly and set some ground rules. You might say to the group, “I’m concerned that we aren’t using our meetings effectively to share all of our opinions.” And don’t hesitate to confront counterproductive behavior head-on. For example, you could say, “Two or three people come to my office after every meeting to discuss something that should have been raised in the meeting—that’s an indication that we’re not collaborating effectively, and it’s not a good use of everyone’s time.” By calmly and directly highlighting instances of passive-aggression, without singling anyone out, you help make forthright communication the standard to which everyone will be held.

• • •

Remember Malik at the beginning of this chapter? He tried a lot of tactics with Susan, his passive-aggressive coworker who wouldn’t admit that she didn’t know how to do the reports he was supposed to train her on. At first, nothing worked. Susan continued to lie. Malik found comfort in his other colleagues. “Luckily for me, I wasn’t the only one who she treated poorly. Two other people in our department noticed the same kind of thing, so we were able to commiserate,” he says. These weren’t unproductive griping sessions. Rather they let him blow off steam. “I had a choice to be angry at work every day or to shrug off her behavior,” he says.

He decided to focus on what he could control: himself. When she tried to say she already knew how to do something, Malik would nod and continue to explain how to do it. He found it frustrating to have to pretend she wasn’t being difficult, but by focusing on what needed to get done, he no longer looked bad to his boss. And, over time, as Susan got more comfortable in her role, she was less defensive.

Sometimes the tactics in this chapter will really turn things around—and sometimes, as in Malik’s case, they won’t entirely. But your challenging coworker doesn’t have to ruin your day, week, and certainly not your career. Focus on what you do like about your job and the colleagues you enjoy working with. That sort of optimism will help, particularly with someone who is shadowboxing with you.

TACTICS TO REMEMBER

The Passive-Aggressive Peer

DO:

• Try to understand the underlying idea they’re attempting to convey.
• Make clear that you’re interested in their perspective, even if it’s not what they think you want to hear.
• Focus on facts: the things you know for sure, without emotion, judgment, or exaggeration.
• Set guidelines for how everyone on your team—or on a particular project—will interact. For example, when you’re discussing next steps, decide that everyone will verbally commit to what they will do, rather than rely on head-nodding or assume silence is compliance.
• Agree to be up front as a team about any frustrations and model the honest and direct interactions you want to happen.

DON’T:

• Take their behavior personally—while you may feel like a target, chances are they treat others similarly.
• Accuse them of behaving passive-aggressively—it’ll only make the situation worse.
• Try to guess what they’re feeling—mislabeling their emotions can lead to further distrust.
• Take the bait and respond angrily to a passive-aggressive email or text—take the conversation offline.