INDEX

Abrahams, Robin, 230

abusive supervisor. See tormentor

acceptance, of situation, 249–250

accomplishments, highlighting your, 193–194

accountability, 111–114

Adams, Gabrielle, 101, 106, 109, 212

advice, asking for, 150, 194–195

affinity bias, 208–209

agency

increasing sense of, 93–94

lack of, 69, 89

pessimistic behavior and, 69–70, 79

aggression, 52. See also microaggressions; passive-aggressive peer

allies, 127, 146, 168, 228

Amabile, Teresa, 54–55

ambivalent relationships, 27–28

amplification strategy, 177

amygdala, 34–35, 40–41, 44

antibias strategies, 171–181

appreciation, expressing, 60–61

Aquino, Karl, 144

archetypes, 10–11

biased coworker, 157–181, 255

identifying, in coworkers, 253–256

insecure boss, 49–65, 254

know-it-all, 117–135, 255

passive-aggressive peer, 99–116, 254–255

pessimist, 67–85, 254

political operator, 183–201, 256

tormentor, 137–156, 255

victim, 87–98, 254

artificial harmony, 114

assertiveness, 121–122

assumptions

based on identity, 162, 163

implicit, 209

making untrue, 207

Baker, Araya, 141, 147

Baran, Michael, 160

Barrett, Lisa Feldman, 41

belonging, sense of, 39, 167

benefit finding, 246

benevolent bias, 161, 163

biased coworker, 157–181

background on behavior of, 159–163

characteristics of, 157–158, 255

company culture and, 170–171

costs of working with, 166–167

defensive reactions by, 176

microaggressions and, 160–163

motivations of, 163–165

phrases to use with, 178–179

questions to ask yourself about, 167–171

tactics to try with, 171–181

See also microaggressions

bias(es), 8

about underestimated groups, 124–125

affinity, 208–209

antibias strategies, 171–181

being aware of own, 208–210, 220

benevolent, 161, 163

calling out, 167–171, 177

cognitive, 206–207

confirmation, 106, 208, 209, 217

covert, 160–163

gender, 133–134, 139, 144–146

harm caused by, 166–167

negativity, 35–36

overconfidence, 119–120

overt, 164–165

subtle forms of, 159–160, 166–167

Birch, Alison Hall, 166

Black women, 145, 208

boss

difficult, 1–2, 4, 14

escalating conflicts to, 227–229

insecure, 49–65

taking credit for others’ work, 54

See also leaders

boundary setting, 97, 224–226

Boyes, Alice, 43, 44

brain

amygdala, 34–35, 40–41, 44

impact of conflict on, 31–43

negativity bias of, 35–36

Brown, Brené, 237

Burey, Jodi-Ann, 53

Burris, Ethan, 52

caring less, 248–249

Chamorro-Premuzic, Tomas, 119–120, 123

Chen, Serena, 52

Chicken Little, 69

Chou, Eileen, 72–73, 81

Chow, Rosalind, 143, 150

Chugh, Dolly, 171, 174

coalition building, 176–177

cognitive abilities, stress and, 5–6

cognitive biases, 206–207

cognitive overload, 41

“command and control” approach, 143, 238

competition, 144–145, 151–152

complainers, 67–68, 69. See also pessimist

compliments folder, 63, 246, 249

confidence, 119, 120, 124, 125, 153–154

confirmation bias, 106, 208, 209, 217

conflict

acknowledging own part in, 47–48

addressing directly, 114

escalating to higher ups, 227–229

impact on brain, 31–43

quitting due to, 229–231

reactions to, 5–6, 38–39

self-care and, 241–251

workplace, 6–9

See also difficult people

conflict avoidance, 103

control

focusing on what you can, 204–205, 220

increasing feeling of, 242–243

sense of, 61, 62, 72–73

Cooper, Marianne, 146

Cortina, Lilia, 165

covert bias, 160–163

creativity, impact of negative relationships on, 24–25

credit-stealing, 54, 196, 197–198, 199

cult of positivity, 76

curiosity, 217–218, 219, 220

cynicism, 77–78, 80. See also pessimist

David, Susan, 234–235

“Debbie Downer,” 68

decision-making, 61, 78, 81, 121

defensive pessimism, 70

Derks, Belle, 150

devil’s advocate, 78, 210

difficult people

approaches to avoid with, 233–239

archetypes of (see archetypes)

changing, 13–14

disengaging from, 223–226

documenting transgressions of, 226–227

quitting due to, 2, 229–231

direct approach

to microaggressions, 169, 170, 175–176

with passive-aggressive peers, 109, 110

with political operators, 195–196

with tormentors, 153, 154

disengagement, 223–226, 248–249

double bind, 104, 189

downward envy, 140–141

Duffy, Michelle, 140

Dutton, Jane, 26–27

ego defensiveness, 52

emotional contagion, 74, 91, 97, 235

emotional disengagement, 248–249

emotional leakage, 234–235

emotional pain, 36–37

emotions

labeling, 107

suppressing, 234–235

empathy

inward, 247–248

lack of, 139–140

using, to see differently, 211–213, 220

envy, 140–141

exclusion, subtle acts of, 160–163, 166–167. See also microaggressions

experimentation, 216–217, 220

failure, fear of, 102–103

Fast, Nathanael, 52, 55, 60

favoritism threat, 143

fight-or-flight reaction, 35, 39

flattery, 60–61

“flip it to test it,” 125, 210

Floyd, George, 165, 170–171

Frankl, Viktor, 38

frenemies, 28

friendships

best friend at work, 14, 23

with coworkers, 3–4, 20, 22–24

remote work and, 22–23

frustration, venting, 233–234

fundamental attribution error, 206–207

gaslighting, 167

gender, 120, 121, 127, 133–134, 142, 150

gender bias, 133–134, 139, 144–146

gender norms, 161

generational differences, 138, 139, 141

generational envy, 140

generosity, modeling, 199–200

Gielan, Michelle, 69, 224, 249

Gino, Francesca, 121–122

goals

focusing on shared, 151, 154

helping boss to achieve, 58–59

identifying your, 213–214, 220

Goldman-Wetzler, Jennifer, 217

Goleman, Daniel, 35

gossip, 111, 190, 197, 199, 214–216, 220, 243

Grant, Adam, 205

Grant, Heidi, 70, 77, 79, 81, 109

gratitude, expressing, 60–61

Greenwood, Kelly, 11, 246–247

Greer, Lindred, 60, 107

group norms, 113–114

growth mindset, 172, 218

Groysberg, Boris, 230

Halpern, Nancy, 189, 191

Harris, Kamala, 128–129

Heaphy, Emily, 21

Hendriksen, Ellen, 51

Higgins, E. Tory, 70, 102

human resources (HR), taking problems to, 228

humility, 130–131, 133

hypercompetitive colleagues. See political operator

illegitimate tasks, 138

imposter syndrome, 53, 153

incivility, 24–25, 27, 144, 165, 245

incompetence, 52, 53, 55, 122, 187–188

information sharing, 61, 63, 175–176

inner critic, 33–34

insecure boss, 49–65

background on behavior of, 51–54

being nonthreatening to, 59–60

being objective about, 55–56

characteristics of, 49–50, 254

complimenting, 60

costs of having, 54–55

expressing gratitude and appreciation for, 60–61

helping to achieve goals, 58–59

phrases to use with, 62

pressures on, 57–58

questions to ask yourself about, 55–57

restoring sense of control to, 60, 63

tactics to try with, 57–65

insecurities, 122–123, 124, 151, 187–188

intelligence, ascription of, 160–161, 163

interpersonal conflict. See conflict

interpersonal relationships

impact of, 2–4

importance of, 250–251

interpersonal resilience, 9, 204, 245–247

interruptions

preempting, 126–128, 132

tactfully addressing, 128–129, 132

Jana, Tiffany, 160

job changes, 229–231

job crafting, 225–226

journaling, 244

Kendi, Ibram X., 165

Kets de Vries, Manfred F. R., 89, 90

know-it-all, 117–135

addressing interruption from, 128–129, 132

appreciating contributions of, 126

asking for facts and data from, 130, 133

background on behavior of, 118–123

characteristics of, 117–118, 255

costs of working with, 123–124

modeling humility for, 130–131, 133

phrases to use with, 132–133

preempting interruptions from, 126–128, 132

questions to ask yourself about, 124–126

tactics to try with, 126–135

leaders

preconceptions about, 124–125

self-doubt in, 52–54

tormentors, 137–156

women, 142–146, 150

See also boss

Lencioni, Patrick, 114

liars, confronting, 196–197, 198

Maner, Jon, 188

mansplaining, 120–121, 127, 132, 133–134

mantras, 241, 250

McKee, Annie, 244

“me against them” mentality, 210–211, 220

mental health, maintaining your, 241–251

mental space, 38–43

mentors, 138, 150, 154

Merchant, Nilofer, 78

microaggressions, 92, 160–165

addressing directly, 169, 175–176, 179

calling out, 167–171, 177

coalition building to address, 176–177

costs of, 166–167

defensiveness about, 176

emotional response to, 173

labeling, 174–175

questions to ask yourself about, 167–171

reporting, 171

responding with question to, 173–174, 178

sharing information about, 175–176

See also biased coworker

microculture, 244–245

micromanaging, 51, 52, 61

Minuchin, Salvador, 219

motivational focus, 70–71

Murthy, Vivek, 22

naive realism, 206

narcissism, 101, 118–119

Neff, Kristen, 247–248

negative outlook, 69–70, 74, 89. See also pessimist

negativity, 67, 68, 76, 81, 83, 91. See also pessimist

negativity bias, 35–36

Nelson, Shasta, 3

Nkomo, Stella, 162

office politics, 184–190

avoiding getting dragged into, 192–193

corporate culture and, 191

engaging in, 191–192

good versus bad, 186–187

gossip and, 190

underrepresented groups and, 188–189

in virtual work environments, 189

See also political operator

online disinhibition effect, 165

Opie, Tina, 173

optimists, 74, 81, 83

organizational culture, 103, 148–149, 170, 191, 238

overconfidence bias, 119–120

overfamiliarity, 162, 163

overt bias, 164–165

passive-aggressive peer, 99–116

avoiding labeling, 107

background on behavior of, 101–104

characteristics of, 99–101, 254–255

conflict avoidance and, 103

costs of working with, 104–105

fear of failure or rejection and, 102–103

phrases to use with, 112–113

questions to ask yourself about, 105–107

tactics to try with, 107–116

peer pressure, 80–81, 111

people of color

promotions and, 73

self-doubt and, 53

social identity threat and, 142

See also underrepresented groups

Perel, Esther, 3

performance, impact of negative relationships on, 24–25

performance reviews, 23, 36, 54–55, 158, 246

perspectives

respecting others’, 205–207, 220

viewing from another’s, 211–213

pessimist, 67–85

background on behavior of, 69–74

behaviors of, 68, 69, 77

boundary setting with, 224–225

challenging assumptions of, 79–80

characteristics of, 67–68, 254

costs of working with, 74–75

legitimate concerns of, 76

looking at in positive light, 77–78

motivational focus of, 70–71

phrases to use with, 82

power and, 72–73

questions to ask yourself about, 75–77

tactics to try with, 77–85

underlying reasons of, 75–76

See also victim

political operator, 183–201

addressing directly, 195–196

asking for advice, 194–195

background on behavior of, 185–190

characteristics of, 183–185, 256

offering help to, 194, 198

phrases to use with, 198–199

questions to ask yourself about, 190–192

strategies used by, 196–200

tactics to try with, 192–201

Porath, Christine, 24–25, 27, 34, 245

positivity, 83

cult of, 76

leaning into, 80–81

power

changing balance of, 152–153

desire for, 72–73, 188

prejudice, 159, 165, 208. See also bias

premature cognitive commitment, 37–38

Pressner, Kristen, 125

prevention-focused people, 70–71

Priesemuth, Manuela, 148–149

principles for getting along

avoiding gossip, 214–216, 220

avoiding “me against them” mentality, 210–211, 220

awareness of own biases, 208–210, 220

being curious, 217–218, 220

experimenting with tactics, 216–217, 220

focusing on what you can control, 204–205, 220

identifying goals, 213–214, 220

respecting others’ perspectives, 205–207, 220

using empathy, 211–213, 220

problem-solving pondering, 44

promotion-focused people, 70–71

psychological safety, 106, 167

psychopaths, 52

public accountability, 111–114

“queen bee” trope, 144–146, 150

quitting, 2, 229–231, 237–238

racism, 91, 127, 139, 160, 164, 165

Rattan, Aneeta, 168, 172

reactions, observing your, 38–39

rejection, fear of, 102–103

relationships

ambivalent, 27–28

interpersonal (see interpersonal relationships)

negative, 24–28

remote work

biased behavior and, 165

disconnection and, 4

friendships and, 22–23

office politics in, 189

resilience, 9, 22, 23, 204, 245–247

retaliation, 235–236

Roberts, Laura Morgan, 166

ruminations, 33–34, 44

rumors, 216. See also gossip

sacrifices, 138, 140, 150, 154, 155

self-care, 241–251

self-compassion, 213, 247–248

self-doubt, 51–54, 56, 63

self-promotion, 193–194, 226–227

sexism, 91, 127, 146

shame, 236–237

Sheppard, Leah, 144

situation-behavior-impact feedback model, 175

Smith, Ella Bell, 162

social identity threat, 142–143

Steele, Claude, 159–160

stress

brain and, 42

health impacts of, 26

impact on cognitive abilities, 5–6

microaggressions and, 166

monitoring your, 40–42

from negative interactions, 9, 20

Su, Amy Jen, 244, 245

Sue, Derald Wing, 160

Sutton, Bob, 228, 229–230, 237, 238

Tawwab, Nedra Glover, 224

tendency for interpersonal victimhood (TIV), 89

text-based communication

misunderstandings with, 4

not taking bait in, 109–110

therapy, 246–247

tormentor, 137–156

addressing directly, 153, 154

avoiding unhealthy competition with, 151–152

background on behavior of, 139–143

changing balance of power with, 152–153

characteristics of, 137–139, 255

costs of working with, 143, 147

organizational culture and, 148–149

phrases to use with, 154

questions to ask yourself about, 147–149

tactics to try with, 150–156

transgressions, documenting, 226–227

Tulshyan, Ruchika, 53, 166

“two-minute drill,” 224

underrepresented groups, 142

biased coworkers and, 157–181

microaggressions and, 160–163

office politics and, 188–189

unhealthy relationships, consequences of, 24–28

universal values, 236

unproductive approaches, 233–239

values, universal, 236

venting, 243–244

victim, 87–98

background on behavior of, 89–90

characteristics of, 87–88, 254

costs of working with, 90–91

encouraging to take responsibility, 94–95

increasing agency of, 93–94

offering validation to, 93, 96

phrases to use with, 96

questions to ask yourself about, 91–92

tactics to try with, 92–98

validity of complaints of, 91–92

victim mentality, 70, 89–90, 97

victim syndrome, 89, 90

virtual work environments. See remote work

Washington, Ella, 166

Wasserman, Noam, 27

Webb, Caroline, 235

well-being, as priority, 241–251

Williams, Joan, 146, 161

women

know-it-alls and, 133–134

mistreatment of, by other women, 144–146

office politics and, 188–189

overconfidence bias and, 120

“queen bee” trope, 144–146, 150

social identity threat and, 142

work friends, benefits of, 22–24

work from home. See remote work

workplace gossip, 111, 190, 197, 199, 214–216

work-related stress, 21. See also stress