9

During the seven years that Aliyah worked at a large global media company, she had six or seven different managers. “Honestly, I lost track at some point,” she told me. Most of those bosses were “just fine,” and a few were supportive of Aliyah and her aspirations to become a director of sales development. But there was one manager, Ted, who she found particularly difficult. She could tell from the start that Ted wasn’t entirely comfortable around her. “It was like he was always trying to choose his words carefully, which is ironic because he said a lot of stupid things,” she says.

One of Ted’s constant refrains was, “You should smile more.” When Aliyah pointed out that he probably didn’t say this to his male colleagues, Ted told her she was “hard to read.” She tried to ignore his remarks, but the more she let them slide, the more Ted dug in. He even said—in a mock confessional tone—that he was intimidated by her. “He tried to make it sound like this was because of my accomplishments, but it was obvious to me that he was also alluding to the fact that I’m a Black woman,” she told me.

Ted’s comments were biased. They caused Aliyah to question how others might be perceiving her. It was especially damaging when his prejudice emerged in front of others, and when it started to show up in her formal performance reviews.

Perhaps you’ve been in a situation like Aliyah’s. Your colleague says something that immediately makes you uncomfortable. Maybe they think they’re just being funny or paying a compliment, but the comment is inappropriate—maybe even sexist, transphobic, ageist, or racist.

We’re all guilty of exhibiting bias at times. We may not intend harm. But it doesn’t mean that behavior like Ted’s—which made Aliyah feel singled out, misunderstood, and stymied—is OK.

Here are some examples of biased statements you might have heard:

“You’re so articulate.”

“Everyone can make it here if they try hard enough and just do good work.”

“Do you know so-and-so?” (when so-and-so is the one other person from an underrepresented group in your workplace)

“I get confused by all of the different pronouns. There were just two genders when I grew up.”

“I don’t see color.”

“When I call something ‘gay,’ I’m not referring to sexual orientation.”

“Your hair looks different today. Is that your casual look?”

“Where are you from?”

“You don’t look old enough to be … [a professor, a manager, a doctor].”

“I don’t like using the singular ‘they’ because it sounds grammatically incorrect.”

Deciding if, when, and how to confront discrimination is complex, especially because you may be fearful that you’ll be penalized for how you handle it. This is what makes bias in the workplace particularly corrosive. And the responsibility for addressing bias shouldn’t fall to those, like Aliyah, who are on the receiving end. But delivering feedback can sometimes be the right thing, especially if you have to work with a biased coworker regularly.

What should you say or do if you find yourself in a situation like Aliyah’s, working with someone who is making insensitive or downright offensive comments? How should your approach differ if you’re the target of bias or an observer of it?

One note before we get into the background on biased behavior: my identity as a straight, white woman means that, while I have been subjected to inappropriate comments at work and sexism throughout my career, I don’t have firsthand experience with racism, homophobia, and other forms of oppression. Because of that I have relied on the expertise of scholars and practitioners who have direct experience with those injustices to inform my understanding and advice here. You’ll see their work reflected and quoted throughout this chapter.

The Background on Biased Behavior

Prejudice can be expressed in explicit and implicit ways. If Ted had said to Aliyah, “I don’t like working with you because you’re a Black woman,” that would’ve been an obvious example of bias (and likely a violation of company policy and possibly the law, depending on the country or state in which they worked). Instead, Ted indirectly signaled that he was uncomfortable working with Aliyah, and she was left to wonder whether it was because of her race or gender, both, or something unrelated.

In this chapter, I’m going to talk about the subtle forms of bias that often affect our interpersonal interactions at work. These can be particularly painful to experience and vexing to address because they may be ambiguous or disguised as seemingly positive remarks.

Take this example from Stanford University professor Claude Steele. In a podcast interview, he shared two personal experiences with racism, which happened decades apart. First, he recalled a time from his childhood when employees at a golf course told him and his friends, using a racial slur, that they’d never get jobs as caddies there because they were Black. Later, as a graduate student, he never knew where he stood with his white colleagues and professors, whether their mistreatment was racially motivated or not. Steele explained that his response to the earlier incident was “righteous indignation,” but the more ambiguous bias he encountered in graduate school made him feel small and caused him to question himself.1

“Subtle acts of exclusion”

Instances of covert bias are often referred to as microaggressions, a word that has become commonly used over the last several years but was appearing in academic papers as early as 1970. Columbia University professor Derald Wing Sue wrote one of the defining books on this topic. He describes microaggressions as “the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.”2

Diversity, equity, and inclusion (DEI) experts Tiffany Jana and Michael Baran offer a different term to describe these actions: subtle acts of exclusion (which is also the title of their 2020 book).3 What I like about their phrase is that it focuses on the impact—exclusion—not the intention. Your biased coworker may not think they’re being aggressive or prejudiced when they ask, “Where are you really from?” but implicitly they’re communicating, “You don’t belong.” Also, the “micro” in microaggression implies that the comment isn’t really a big deal when, in most cases, it is. I use both terms in this chapter since microaggression is the more familiar term to most people.

Here are some of the most common forms these subtle acts of exclusion take (see table 9-1):

• Ascription of intelligence. Comments in this category, like the classic “he’s so articulate,” convey surprise when a person from a particular group possesses a—typically positive—skill or trait. These statements appear encouraging on the surface, but the implication is that you’ve exceeded expectations that were low because of your status as a woman, a religious minority, an immigrant, a second-language speaker, a person with disabilities, and so on. Many researchers, including Joan Williams, coauthor of Bias Interrupted, have shown that people from underestimated groups have to prove again and again that they are competent, whereas white men and other people with power do not.4
• Mislabeling. Williams also talks about the “tightrope” that many women and minorities have to walk because there is a narrower range of behaviors that are deemed acceptable for them. Take, for example, the notion that leaders should be assertive and confident, and yet women are often penalized for demonstrating these traits. Similarly, many Black professionals have talked about how their emotions are labeled as “angry” even when they’re expressing excitement or disappointment.
• “Benevolent” bias. This variety of bias involves someone “looking out for” you when they’re actually holding you back. Think about a boss who gives vague feedback to his female direct report because he doesn’t think she can stomach constructive criticism—or because he’s afraid of looking unsupportive of women of color. This benevolent bias is frequently directed at people with disabilities when a manager assumes they can’t handle certain demands of their job.

  When I was new to management consulting, a senior consultant told me, on an elevator to meet with a client, “I’ve realized that I’m taken more seriously when I wear makeup.” I looked at my plain face in the mirrored walls. At that point in my life, I’d worn makeup exactly once (to my senior prom). I don’t doubt that my colleague was trying to help me, but instead she eroded my confidence right before an important client meeting and conveyed that, in order to succeed, I’d need to adhere to a gender norm that I wasn’t comfortable with.

• Overfamiliarity. Sometimes, when addressing or describing a colleague, people use words that are either demeaning or connote a closeness that isn’t there. Calling a female colleague “sweetheart” or a Black colleague “bro” falls into this category. This overfamiliarity has been well documented. For example, research done by professors Ella Bell Smith and Stella Nkomo for their book, Our Separate Ways, showed that white women often felt closer to their Black colleagues than their Black colleagues felt to them.5 This assumed familiarity devalues true connection, allowing people to claim a closeness they haven’t earned.
• Assumptions (based on apparent identity). Comments in this category include misgendering a trans colleague, presuming an Asian colleague didn’t grow up speaking English or that a young-looking woman is an assistant—assumptions based on stereotypes that deny people their individual identity. I’ve committed these kinds of microaggressions, probably more times than I realize. For example, I recently asked a Latina colleague whether she came from a large family. As soon as I saw the subtle furrow in her brow, I realized that I’d made an offensive assumption based on her background. I probably wouldn’t have asked a white coworker the same question.
• Myth of meritocracy. The final category of microaggressions is the subtle denial that bias exists either in general or specifically in your organization or on your team. Maybe your colleague complains that people focus too much on race or gender or “identity politics.” Perhaps they defend the use of stereotypical or derogatory sports team names. They may also admit that discrimination happens elsewhere but not in your company, with remarks like, “I’m glad we work in a meritocracy” or “We’re lucky that things like that don’t happen here.”

What causes someone to fall into these patterns of discrimination?

TABLE 9-1

Subtle forms of exclusion

*Comments like these are often connected to what Williams calls the “maternal wall,” where women with children see their commitment and competence questioned or face disapproval for prioritizing their careers. See Joan C. Williams, “The Maternal Wall,” Harvard Business Review, October 2004, https://hbr.org/2004/10/the-maternal-wall.

Your biased colleague’s motivation

In other chapters, I’ve explored possible motivations behind your difficult colleague’s behavior. With this archetype, however, there are no easy explanations. As with other forms of bias, cognitive laziness is partly to blame. If I confuse one of my Indian colleagues for another, even though they don’t look anything alike, my brain has taken a mental shortcut to preserve energy. But it’s more complex than that—and not innocuous. The shortcut is informed by societal, sociological, and historical forces, including white supremacy and systemic racism. (If you’d like to learn more about racism at work, there are plenty of articles, books, and experts to follow, many of whom have influenced my own understanding; see a small sampling in the sidebar, “Reading about Racism at Work.”)

As overt bias has become (thankfully) more socially unacceptable in many workplaces, microaggressions and other forms of subtle bias have become the primary outlets for people’s prejudice. Psychology professor Lilia Cortina has posited that uncivil behaviors, such as interrupting a colleague or using a condescending tone, can be easily explained away. It’s easy for the bully to claim carelessness or attribute a slight to their “brusque” personality, rather than having anything to do with another person’s race, gender, or appearance. People often get away with covert discrimination while believing they’re unbiased.6

We may also see more biased behavior in remote work environments where people are rarely interacting face-to-face. While there are fewer casual interactions happening in hallways or cafeterias, there are plenty of spaces, such as Slack channels or group texts, where people can—and do—make inappropriate comments. Because of a phenomenon called the “online disinhibition effect,” people tend to be bolder when they can hide behind a keyboard.7 We feel less restrained when we’re interacting online and feel safer expressing things that we wouldn’t say to someone’s face.8

Sometimes, it’s hard to remember how thoroughly racist ideas—and other oppressive systems of thought—permeate our workplaces. Soon after George Floyd’s murder by Minneapolis police officer Derek Chauvin, the scholar Ibram X. Kendi offered a helpful metaphor. Living in the United States (though this applies elsewhere as well), we’re constantly being “rained on” by racist ideas. As Kendi explains, “You have no umbrella, and you don’t even know that you’re wet with those racist ideas, because the ideas themselves lead you to believe that you’re dry.”9 It’s not until someone hands you an umbrella—the awareness of your privilege—that you realize you’ve been drenched all along.10

I share this metaphor not to excuse your biased colleague’s behavior but rather to show how deeply entrenched the beliefs that shape those behaviors are likely to be. Everyone holds biases, and they are hard to recognize in ourselves, which makes it difficult to take steps to counteract them and may explain why your colleague struggles to see the harm they’re causing.

The Costs of Microaggressions

Research has shown that there are myriad psychological and physiological consequences to being on the receiving end of subtle acts of exclusion. As professors Ella Washington, Alison Hall Birch, and Laura Morgan Roberts write, “Microaggressions seem small; but compounded over time, they can have a deleterious impact on an employee’s experience, physical health, and psychological well-being.”11 There are numerous studies on the linkages between microaggressions and negative mental-health outcomes.12 People who experience discrimination at work are more likely to have symptoms of depression and anxiety, for example.13 Obesity and high blood pressure caused by stress are just a few of the documented physical ramifications.14

There are also potential costs to your livelihood. As Ruchika Tulshyan, author of Inclusion on Purpose, told me, comments that exclude people “have impact beyond feelings. When stereotypes are reinforced and perpetuated, there’s an impact on your career—how well you’re paid, what your advancement opportunities are, who thinks you have leadership potential.”15

Research shows that subtle bias can cause more harm than blatant discrimination.16 There are several reasons why. First, processing an ambiguous statement like “You’re so articulate” takes up cognitive resources as you try to sort out whether or not it was a compliment or a dig at your identity. Second, microaggressions are much more common than blatant discrimination (in most workplaces), so you’re more likely to experience them. The impact of many small slights can build up over time. Third, there is usually little recourse at your disposal. It’s hard to report, let alone sue, someone over a microaggression, so you’re left to figure out how to handle the situation on your own.17

The costs are multiplied if you’re made to feel like the microaggression is a figment of your imagination. When dealing with a biased colleague, you may have been told things like:

“He doesn’t really mean it.”

“She’s from a different generation.”

He’s just obnoxious.”

“Can’t you take a joke?”

Characterizing victims of microaggression as overly sensitive or too politically correct furthers the harm, or results in “gaslighting,” causing people to question whether what they experienced actually happened or if their reaction is appropriate.

In addition to the potential consequences for you, your health, and your career, a colleague’s biased comments also negatively impact your organization by eroding a sense of belonging and psychological safety, and reinforcing exclusion. This, of course, leads to disengagement, decreased productivity, and lower employee retention.18 All of which means that leadership teams stay very white and very male, since the people who feel like they belong are more likely to rise through the ranks.

Knowing the damage that covert forms of bias can cause, it’s important to interrupt these acts when they happen. But confronting a coworker who falls into this archetype isn’t always straightforward. Let’s look at some of the questions you should ask as you decide if and how to respond.

Questions to Ask Yourself

Typically this section helps you examine the role you’re playing in the dynamic between you and your difficult coworker. But when it comes to issues like racism and sexism, you’re not doing anything to cause the problem. You’re actually doing your colleague a favor if you help them correct their biases. So here, I focus on questions that will inform which of the following tactics are appropriate for your situation.

Were you the target of discrimination? Or did you observe it?

The burden of noticing and calling out microaggressions typically falls on people from underrepresented groups. And it shouldn’t. As Aneeta Rattan, an expert on mindsets and bias at London Business School, explains, “What we see across a lot of research is that allies are not as quick or ready to recognize bias. They may miss or not notice it at all.”19 It’s important that we all be on the lookout for bias and that we believe people when they identify it.

If a microaggression is directed at you, it’s up to you whether it’s worth the risk of speaking up (more on making that calculation in the next section, “What are the risks?”). However, if you witness the incident, you have a greater responsibility to speak up. Rattan says, “Allies and advocates have to understand that whatever risk there is to you, it is compounded for the member of that group or the recipient of that comment.”

The research emphasizes why it’s so imperative for bystanders to speak up. If you share an identity marker with the offender, such as race, gender, or role at the company, you are more likely to be seen as persuasive and less likely to be dismissed. In one study, white people were more persuaded when the person speaking up about a racially biased remark was also white. They were also more likely to rate a Black person who addressed the comment as rude.20

Keep in mind that experiencing discomfort is not the same as feeling unsafe. As a bystander, you should only choose to ignore a biased comment when your safety—or the safety of the person who has been targeted—is at stake. We all have a moral obligation to speak up, especially if our identities confer privileges that aren’t enjoyed by the person or people under attack.

What are the risks?

There’s an interesting paradox in many organizations. With the increased recognition of systemic bias, companies are putting more resources than ever before into building diverse, inclusive workforces, and yet for many employees, it often feels dangerous to talk about racism, sexism, or other forms of prejudice. Such conversations can seem like minefields, making discrimination harder to call out than other forms of incivility.

It’s useful to think about what could go wrong if you confront your biased coworker as there are material risks involved. But I suggest you also consider the risks of not speaking up.

What are the risks of speaking up? Addressing bias openly challenges the status quo and may impact your relationships and standing with your coworkers or boss, your performance reviews, job assignments, or even whether you keep your job. As a result, you might feel social pressure to be polite and not respond.21

Think specifically about how your biased coworker might react. Will they be dismissive (“You’re overreacting. It was just a joke.”) or get defensive (“What are you accusing me of?”)? Ask yourself: How does this person normally respond to being challenged? Are they generally self-aware? Open to feedback? Do they have the authority to affect decisions about your raises, promotions, or bonuses? Are they likely to bad-mouth you to influential leaders? Can they block your ideas or hold up your project? How might they hurt your career prospects or reputation? It’s important to develop a realistic picture of the danger you’re facing.

What are the risks of not speaking up? At the same time, ask yourself about the consequences of staying silent. Perhaps not addressing a biased statement would violate your personal values. You might inadvertently condone the behavior if you let it pass unremarked. Or miss an opportunity to educate your coworker. Research has shown that direct confrontation of offensive comments can be effective in preventing them in the future.22

Are you in a position of influence? If so, the risks of silence are greater. Leaders bear the ultimate responsibility (in some cases, a legal one) for making sure no one feels threatened at work. Tulshyan says those who are “in a position to create a better, more inclusive work environment, where people can bring their whole selves to work, should use their power whenever possible.”23 If people come to you angry or upset about a comment directed at them or someone else, don’t dismiss them. Listen. And then figure out the best way to confront the situation.

Ultimately, if you’re on the receiving end, the decision to say something or let it go is yours and you should decide what’s best for you in every unique circumstance.

Is it important that I respond immediately?

Timing is another important consideration. Is the offense something you need to address right away? A good rule of thumb is to prioritize your safety and well-being. Tulshyan told me about an experience she had with an Uber driver who was making inappropriate comments about her looks. She wanted to tell him to stop, but she considered the fact that she was trapped in a car with him and at the end of the ride, he’d know where she lived, so she decided to ignore the comments to preserve her safety. She only took action by offering feedback on the app after she was safely out of his car.

As Washington et al. put it: “Do not feel pressured to respond to every incident; rather, feel empowered to do so when you decide you should…. You control what this incident will mean for your life and your work—what you will take from the interaction and what you will allow it to take from you.”24

When you witness a microaggression, addressing it sooner rather than later is important. You don’t want to tacitly permit the behavior. Confronting the offender after the fact is still worthwhile, but it’s not ideal; people who overheard the initial interaction may be unaware of your response and feel unsafe as a result.

Does my company culture encourage speaking up?

Of course, it’s far easier to frankly address a colleague’s biased behavior if you work in a place where people are encouraged to speak up. Many organizations, especially in 2020 in the wake of George Floyd’s murder, made public commitments to anti-racism. A company statement doesn’t necessarily make everyone safe, but consider whether company leaders are actively and consistently supporting diversity and inclusion. Have you seen people challenge bias before?

One powerful benefit of speaking up is that you’ll be helping to establish healthy, inclusive norms, signaling that calling out prejudice is acceptable and preferable and making it safer and more comfortable for others to point out bias in the future.

Should I report the incident?

Unfortunately, many workplaces don’t recognize microaggressions as violations of their harassment or DEI policies. Still, it may be helpful to report the incident to your manager or HR, depending on its severity and whether you feel that escalating the issue will result in productive action.

Before reporting discrimination, Dolly Chugh, NYU professor and author of The Person You Mean to Be: How Good People Fight Bias, suggests considering questions like: Is this an isolated incident or a pattern of behavior? Will escalating make things better or worse? Is the behavior preventing you from doing your job—or someone else from doing theirs? “If it’s making you more likely to check out job sites and update your résumé, then there’s something at stake and it’s probably worth bringing it up with your manager,” Chugh says.25 Can you make the argument that your coworker is contributing to a hostile work environment? If so, there may be legal ramifications, particularly in the United States.

Also ask: Do you have a sympathetic ear? Is there someone in a senior position who will want to help and has the power to do so? You could also vet the situation with someone you trust and get their advice on the pros and cons of escalation.

After reflecting on these questions, if you do decide to speak up, the tactics in the next section will help you navigate those conversations.

Tactics to Try

The antibias strategies you use will differ if you are on the receiving end of prejudice or observing it. Throughout this section, I’ll point out the scenario to which each tactic applies.

Foster a growth mindset

It would be completely natural, in response to bias, to think, “This woman clearly hates queer people,” or “I can’t believe I have to work with such a racist.” Thinking in absolutes—that people are fundamentally bigoted, rather than that they have biased views that could be altered—is an understandable response when we feel dehumanized. However, Aneeta Rattan’s research shows that having a growth mindset, or believing in people’s capacity to learn and change, increases our motivation to confront discrimination. In her studies, women and minorities who had a growth mindset and called out bias also had a less negative outlook and thus were better able to retain a sense of workplace satisfaction and belonging than those who had a fixed mindset and didn’t speak out. One way to remind yourself that everyone is capable of growth, Rattan suggests, is to stay curious by telling yourself: I want to understand why they think it’s OK to say this, or I want to understand how they came to believe this.26 Curiosity helps us to reserve judgment until we’ve gathered more information.

This is the mindset that Daniel, the co-owner of an executive search firm, eventually took with his client Carol, the founder of a youth education organization. He was frequently taken aback by Carol’s comments and requests. She once asked Daniel’s team to find photos of job candidates so she could see what they looked like. She also requested the age of an applicant, commented that another interviewee “dressed like she was Amish,” and expressed concern that the color of a Black woman’s skin might prevent people from taking her seriously as a leader. Daniel and his team were upset by these remarks. But rather than assume Carol was a lost cause, he tried to focus on the fact that she needed to learn and could change. “I didn’t want to make assumptions about her intentions or moral character…. My parents make similar comments sometimes, so I’ve been exposed to good people who say inappropriate things,” he told me. He used that mindset when calling attention to the inappropriateness of her comments (more on that later).

Accept your emotional response

It’s normal to feel upset or confused when you are the target of an offensive act or remark. “When someone does something that violates your identity or denies your humanity, getting angry is a natural response,” says Tina Opie, a professor at Babson College and coauthor of Shared Sisterhood. She advises slowing down and thinking through what happened. Give yourself time to investigate your emotional response before deciding what to do.27 And don’t beat yourself up. As Washington et al. write, “Allow yourself to feel what you feel, whether it’s anger, disappointment, frustration, aggravation, confusion, embarrassment, exhaustion, or something else. Any emotion is legitimate and should factor into your decision about whether, how, and when to respond.”28

Have set responses at the ready

Most of us assume that we will speak up when we encounter bias. But research shows that’s not always the case. It’s easy, in the moment, to feel unable to respond or to find plenty of reasons not to say something: “I don’t want to cause a stir.” “It’s not a big deal.” “They’re usually a nice person.” To counter those self-protective instincts, it helps to rehearse what you’ll say ahead of time and to have a few phrases in your back pocket—such as “I’m not sure you really mean to say that” or “That’s an unfair stereotype.” Having responses at the ready can make the difference between speaking up and staying silent.

Ask a question

It can be effective to respond with a question, like “What did you mean by that?” or “What information are you basing that on?” You might even ask a biased colleague to simply repeat what they said, which may prompt them to think through what they meant and how their words might sound to others. This should help you discern their true intentions.

Dolly Chugh calls asking such questions “being clueless” and says this approach encourages people to explain themselves, making it harder to hide behind veiled biases.29 For example, if a new client introduces themselves to your team and one of your colleagues comments on their last name, “Escobar, like the drug lord!” you can ask, “What made you associate her name with a drug dealer?” If he says, “Because it’s the same last name,” you can point out that many people have that last name. Chugh suggests asking questions with genuine curiosity and starting with “what” instead of “why,” which sounds less challenging. “What led you to say that?” is easier to hear than “Why did you say that?” which can sound like an accusation. Keep your inquiry short. “The more words you include, the more it starts to sound like a statement or attack than a question,” she says.

Call it what it is

Oftentimes, people have no clue they’ve misstepped, so you can make it clear that their comment was inappropriate by either explaining why or sharing the effect it had on you. Use statements that start with “I,” which tell your colleague how you feel and invite them to consider your perspective, or “it,” which can establish a boundary that’s not OK to cross. For example, “It’s disrespectful to call a grown woman a girl” or “That comment was offensive to Muslims.” Avoid “you” statements that accuse the person of being a bigot. When people feel ashamed, attacked, or mislabeled, they’re less likely to hear you or change their behavior.

This is how Aliyah approached her boss, Ted, who kept encouraging her to smile more. She said to him, “When you tell me that, it makes me feel like I need to fake a persona to make you comfortable.” She was convinced that he was being racist or sexist (or both), but she knew that if she used those terms, he would shut down.

Be explicit about your intentions. For example, you might say, “I’m raising this because I feel comfortable doing so with you and I want us to be able to communicate, even about sensitive issues.” It can also help to acknowledge that some microaggressions are committed unintentionally, giving your colleague the benefit of the doubt. This reduces the amount of shame they feel, which, in turn, should reduce their defensiveness.

Planning ahead increases the chances of tactfully getting your message across. The situation-behavior-impact feedback model provides a useful framework:

• Point out when and where a specific behavior occurred (the situation): “During our Zoom meeting on Monday, when we were getting ready to sign off …”
• Then, explain in detail what you observed, being as specific as possible (the behavior): “I heard you say that you were concerned our new client wouldn’t take Alan seriously …”
• Describe the consequences of the behavior (the impact): “… and it made me uncomfortable because I assumed you were implying that because Alan is older, he will be perceived as out of touch.”

Share information

If a colleague doesn’t understand how they’ve caused offense, offer information that challenges their assumptions. For example, if they suggest that a female colleague is slacking off by leaving work early, you might say something like: “I read an interesting study the other day that found that when working moms leave the office, we assume they’re taking care of their kids. But when working dads leave the office, we don’t even notice. Do you think that could be the case here?” (That’s a real study, by the way.) It’s important to avoid coming off as passive-aggressive. The more genuine you are about sharing information—rather than trying to trap someone in an act of bias—the more likely they are to question their rationale.

This is what Daniel did with Carol. “I felt the need to tread carefully since she was a client, but I also couldn’t let her insensitivity slide,” he said. Instead, he was direct and honest with her and focused on explaining why her behavior was problematic. For instance, when she asked for inappropriate information about candidates, he replied, “We don’t request that information because we won’t make a decision based on that. We focus on competencies.” And, at times, he responded more firmly. When she asked for applicants’ photos, he said, “Please don’t ask us to do this again. It’s not OK.”

Anticipate defensiveness

The best-case scenario is that your colleague hears you and thanks you for your feedback. In my experience, it’s more likely they get defensive, at least at first. That was the reaction Carol had when Daniel called her out. Sometimes she denied she’d been offensive and said, “You must’ve heard me wrong.”

Your biased coworker might respond similarly, dismissing what you’re saying or claiming that you misunderstood them and their intentions. But if pain is caused, it doesn’t matter whether the perpetrator had good intentions or not.

If they accuse you of being overly sensitive or defend themselves by saying they didn’t mean any harm, make clear how their statement or question landed with you. For example, you might say, “Your comment, however you meant it, made me feel like you don’t value me as a colleague.”

If the behavior you’re calling out isn’t directed at you, it’s especially important to persist even if a biased colleague responds defensively. Daniel said that his interactions with Carol were uncomfortable, particularly when she denied any wrongdoing. But over time, his input seemed to help. “She says fewer offensive things now,” he told me. “It’s gotten a lot better.”

Form a coalition

Many experts suggest working with others to combat biased behavior. Join forces with people on your team or in your company and make an explicit pact to respond to microaggressions. When something troubling but ambiguous happens, everyone in the group has a sounding board to help determine whether it warrants action.

This is a tactic that several women working in the Obama White House used when they were outnumbered by men in meetings. In an effort to make sure their ideas weren’t drowned out or ignored (or co-opted by men), they agreed to use an amplification strategy. When one woman made an important point, another would repeat it and attribute it to the woman who had originally suggested the idea. This forced everyone in the room to recognize the contribution and prevented others from stealing credit.30

Research has shown that speaking up about injustice as a group is more effective because those in charge can’t dismiss the complaints as coming from “one disgruntled employee.”31 You might also feel safer raising an issue if others have your back. So reach out to people who may be similarly upset by your colleague’s actions. If you aren’t the target of biased comments, you can still offer to form a coalition with those who are. This allows coworkers from underestimated backgrounds to turn to you when they notice bias that you might’ve missed.

Call out bias even in private

Some microaggressions and other acts of bias happen behind people’s backs. It might be a sexist side comment from another man, or a backhanded compliment during a performance discussion with a fellow manager. Don’t let these incidents slide just because they’re private. It’s equally important to address bias when the person who is being targeted isn’t present or didn’t hear the offensive remarks. If, in a meeting, someone says, “We’re lucky to have an older woman on the team to keep us in line,” you could counter by highlighting her accomplishments and skills: “Well, her age and gender don’t seem relevant, but I do know that since she’s been leading them, her product lines have increased profits by 20 percent.”

It’s up to each of us to create a more inclusive, supportive work environment at every opportunity, not just when the people potentially harmed are there to witness injustice.

• • •

Aliyah finally got through to her boss, Ted, but it wasn’t until he crossed yet another line. In a meeting where their team was discussing how to respond to complaints from customers, Ted felt like people were overreacting and, in a moment of frustration, said, “What are we worried about? A public lynching?” There was an awkward pause and Aliyah quickly exchanged glances with the only other Black person in the room. She told me she was trying to figure out what to say when Ted just carried on as if nothing happened. Fortunately, one of her other colleagues spoke up: “I’m feeling uncomfortable, and I think we need to talk about what just happened.”

Initially, Ted tried to explain that he hadn’t meant anything by his comment. But after Aliyah’s team members explained why it was upsetting, Ted took a deep breath and apologized for what he said. He also apologized for trying to gloss over it. They ended the meeting there, and several of Aliyah’s colleagues emailed or stopped by her desk to check on her. Ted steered clear of her for a few days but eventually asked to meet. He told her that he now saw how his comments about her being tough to read and not smiling could be hurtful. He asked her to continue to point out times when he was being biased and said he was committed to learning.

Aliyah was surprised. “I had all but given up on him,” she told me. She admits that she’s not sure he would’ve changed had their white colleagues not pointed out his transgression, but she’s not sure it matters what caused his shift in perspective. “He got out of my way and that’s what I cared most about,” she said. Another round of organizational changes meant that Ted was soon moved to another division and Aliyah had yet another new boss. But Ted reached out to her regularly and even recommended her for a promotion, which she got.

TACTICS TO REMEMBER

The Biased Coworker

DO:

• Think carefully about whether you want to speak up, weighing the costs and benefits of doing so.
• Recognize that if you are in a position of power or privilege, you have a responsibility to address offensive comments and create a safe, inclusive work environment.
• Ask questions that encourage a biased coworker to reflect on what they said and clear up any misunderstandings.
• Have a few phrases ready that you can use if you are caught off guard by a microaggression.

DON’T:

• Presume that your colleague is incapable of change.
• Neglect to think through the political costs of calling out a microaggression, especially if you’re the target.
• Assume the person knows they’re being offensive; it’s possible they have no idea.
• Level accusations of racism, sexism, or any other form of prejudice; that will put most people on the defensive and it’s unlikely to change their behavior over the long term.