14

I’m a fan of mantras. I have them written on sticky notes on my desk. I say them out loud to myself when I’m about to tackle a difficult project or write a tricky email. And it’s not uncommon for me to text a friend asking, “Can I borrow a mantra for today?” when I’m struggling to find the right one.

Technically, a mantra is a word, a phrase, or a sentence that is repeated during meditation to aid concentration and awareness. I use them a little differently. Repeating to myself that this will pass or everything that has a beginning, has an end or you can only control what you can control reminds me to stay calm and maintain perspective when I’m in the midst of a tense interaction. We could all use more nudges like these to remind us of what matters and keep us out of amygdala hijack, especially when dealing with a passive-aggressive coworker or a boss who seems determined to undermine you.

The road is rarely easy when dealing with conflict at work. There will be times when colleagues won’t reciprocate your good-faith efforts at reconciliation. Or you’ll wonder why you always have to be the “adult in the room.” Or you’ll see glimmers of progress and you and a coworker will be getting along, only to have some organizational change or intense project prompt them to revert to their old ways.

That’s why it’s critical to take care of yourself along the way. Whether you’re just starting to address the negativity or you’ve been trying to change things for years, your health and well-being should always be a priority.

In this chapter, I’ll share tactics—including a few mantras—for preserving your mental health. My hope is that the advice here will buffer you from the damage that can result from unhealthy relationships.

Control the “Controllables”

No one likes to feel trapped in a bad situation. So take steps to increase feelings of control, even when you can’t change everything. Focus on the things that you do have the power to affect, no matter how insignificant they seem.

What’s controllable might be fairly basic. Maybe you can’t dictate how your coworker treats you, but you can build up your defenses by getting a good night’s sleep, eating well, exercising, and spending time outside. I know that achieving this list of fundamentals can feel overwhelming at times; there are never enough hours in the day. Start small, focusing on progress in one area, whether it’s increasing quality sleep or committing to a more consistent exercise routine.

The more freedom you have over how you spend your time and energy, the less stuck you will feel. A friend of mine was working at a health-care nonprofit for an insecure boss who micromanaged everything she did. She was able to tolerate her manager’s behavior because they worked remotely and she could more or less control when and how they interacted. Her boss would never walk by her desk unannounced.

Plus she felt like her manager’s foibles were worth enduring because she enjoyed the work and the job afforded her the flexibility she craved when her two boys were young. But as the kids got older, it got harder to put up with her manager. As the breadwinner in her family, she couldn’t quit, and her attempts to find a position that would give her all of the benefits and flexibility she wanted yielded no alternatives at first.

Rather than throwing up her hands, she started small, with what she dubbed the “coffee date offensive.” She began inviting friends and acquaintances out for coffee—virtually or in person. She didn’t know exactly where these conversations would lead and she didn’t have a specific new job or company in mind, but taking this step gave her a sense of control. She’d end every conversation with the same question: “Is there anyone else you think I should meet with?” She tracked these exchanges in a spreadsheet along with notes about each meeting and to whom she’d been referred. A year into this experiment, and after thirty-seven coffee dates(!), one of the people she met with early on reached out about an opening at his company. She landed the job. She was incredibly relieved to get away from her insecure manager, but she told me she was happy she didn’t rush into a new gig right away.

When it comes to restoring my own sense of control, I have a sticky note I keep by my desk with a mantra borrowed from my friend Katherine’s daughter’s school. At the beginning of each day, they all recite this together:

On days when I’m struggling with a nasty email or gearing up for a difficult conversation, I’ll read it out loud to myself. It’s a good reminder that even when it feels like I’m lost in a tornado of chaos, I still have agency over some things.

Vent Productively

In chapter 11, I talked about why spreading gossip about a difficult coworker is usually best avoided. However, I’m not suggesting you refrain from discussing conflict altogether. Venting can be a healthy way of relieving stress. Sharing your feelings in confidence (with someone you trust) will help prevent negative emotions from leaking into interactions with your colleague or into other parts of your life.

Or consider venting in writing. Over the years, my friend and leadership expert Amy Jen Su has shared how journaling has helped her sort through her thoughts. It’s a habit I’ve now picked up. Open a notebook or a blank document on your computer or phone and spend a preset amount of time, say four or five minutes, describing your feelings about a tough situation. Don’t overthink what you’re putting down; just document whatever comes to mind—the good, the bad, and the ugly. It might be helpful to refer to what you’ve written later. Noting how your emotions have evolved about the relationship can provide a sense of progress. Conversely, it might feel good to delete or get rid of your notes in a symbolic gesture of putting the situation behind you and moving on.

Build a Microculture

Even one negative relationship can cast a shadow over your work life. But if you look, you can often find like-minded people who are interested in positive interactions. Emotional intelligence expert Annie McKee calls this creating a “microculture.” Rather than allowing toxic relationships to dominate your work experience, determine what you need to be effective and happy in your job and then build a coalition of people who are committed to similar goals and values. As McKee writes, “You’re probably not going to be able to single-handedly change the culture of your entire organization. What you can do, however, is to take matters into your own hands and create a resonant microculture where you have the greatest chance of succeeding: on your team. And while it may be easier to do this when you are the team leader, it’s not critical that you be in a position of power.”1 Having a posse of people who support—and won’t undermine—you can counteract the influence of a trying coworker.

When one person I interviewed realized that her dynamic with an insecure boss was unlikely to change, she made a commitment to herself to foster a more functional and supportive work environment for those who she interacted with. “I vowed that I was going to protect the people who reported to me and asked myself: How can I create a safe space for them to do productive work?” she explained. This made all the difference for her: “I wanted to create a place where other people would be happy to come to work, and it had the same effect on me. Rather than dreading my interactions with my boss, I looked forward to going to work and seeing my team.”

Have a Life outside of Work

When work is dragging you down, for whatever reason, it’s always good to have somewhere else to focus your attention and find fulfillment. Georgetown professor Christine Porath’s research shows that thriving outside of work is strongly correlated to thriving at work. “Take control over your personal life. Find hobbies, build communities, invest in relationships with friends and family, and you bring a stronger, more resilient self to work. The negative people and interactions won’t pull you off track as much,” she explains. In a study she did of people who experienced incivility in the workplace, those who reported thriving in nonwork activities also reported 80 percent better health, 89 percent greater thriving at work, and 38 percent more satisfaction with their handling of mistreatment from their colleagues.2

Amy Jen Su concurs: “Surround yourself with good people. Healthy and supportive relationships are a critical part of self-care…. Don’t let work cause you to neglect the most important people in your life. Use breaks during the day, or perhaps your commute time, to call friends and loved ones, and carve out plenty of time outside of work to nurture relationships.”3 These connections will bolster you when you’re feeling dragged down by a difficult coworker.

Cultivate Interpersonal Resilience

Because the road to getting along is often bumpy, you’ll need the strength to bounce back when you encounter obstacles. Tapping into your emotional reserves when a pessimistic colleague turns your meeting into a gripe session or a know-it-all makes you feel small in front of your boss will help you persevere.

One way to do this is to think about your past. There have almost certainly been times in your life when you failed, faced setbacks, or worried that you didn’t have what it takes to succeed. What did you do to get through? What steps did you follow? Who supported you? Remind yourself that you have overcome challenges, even when it felt like the odds were against you.

If your coworker makes you feel like you’re not good at your job, recall a moment when you felt valued. Dig up positive performance reviews or revisit your compliments folder (see chapter 3). With some effort, you may even be able to find silver linings to the unhealthy dynamic itself. Perhaps you’ve learned something useful from it, or it’s honed your skills to navigate future tricky relationships. This process is called “benefit finding,” and research has shown that uncovering positive meaning in negative events builds resilience, improving well-being and health, and the ability to deal with setbacks.4

For me, keeping the big picture in mind—with the help of a few mantras (of course)—replenishes my reserves. These are a few of my favorites:

• I don’t see the world in exactly the same way as the people around me and that’s OK.
• Everyone is going through something, and we all have different ways of coping with uncertainty, grief, and stress.
• People are under pressures that I don’t always see and can’t fully understand (and probably aren’t entirely my business).
• It’s not helpful to me or to anyone to compare our challenges and suffering.
• We are all doing the best we can at this moment. And we can all do better.

I learned several of these through therapy over the years. Kelly Greenwood, an expert on mental health in the workplace, says that when people are dealing with tricky relationships at work, they often see talking with a therapist as a last resort, but she believes it’s “something that should happen further upstream.” It’s especially important to notice if you’re feeling distracted, sluggish, angry, or irritable; not sleeping well or sleeping excessively; relying on alcohol or food to comfort yourself; or withdrawing from friends and activities you enjoy as a result of your interactions with a difficult coworker. These could be signs of a mental health condition such as depression or anxiety, which can be triggered by workplace factors. But, says Greenwood, “you don’t need to have a diagnosable disorder to benefit from therapy—the bar should simply be whether you’re satisfied with your mental health.”5 A trained psychologist can help you develop strategies for resolving conflict and coping mechanisms for maintaining your well-being.

Have Self-Compassion

I’ve talked a lot in this book about having empathy for a difficult colleague. But focusing on another person can sometimes distract from tending to your own needs. Make sure you’re directing empathy inward, too. You might say to yourself: It’s OK to feel hurt or Who I am is not shaped by this person’s beliefs. Self-compassion in these moments will help you stay centered.

Instead of ruminating on your failure to improve a relationship or chastising yourself for not having thicker skin, be kind to yourself. Research has established a myriad of benefits from self-compassion, including a stronger desire to grow and improve, higher emotional intelligence, and deeper resilience. It also makes you more compassionate toward others.6

Kristen Neff, a professor at the University of Texas and one of the leading researchers on self-compassion, defines it as having three elements.7 First is awareness of your negative emotions. To acknowledge them, you might tell yourself, This is hard right now or I’m feeling tense. Second is a sense of common humanity, or that others face similar obstacles. Remind yourself, I’m not the only one who has to deal with challenging relationships. I’m not alone. Third is being kind to yourself, and there are many ways to accomplish this. Ask, What do I need right now? or What’s the kind thing to do here—for me?

If this is new to you, it may take practice. Use a short meditation, even just five minutes, at the start of your day or during a break, when you take three deep breaths and reflect on each of the three elements of self-compassion in turn. Or write a letter to yourself. We tend to be kinder to others than to ourselves, so imagine that you’re writing to comfort a friend or family member who is facing a similar challenge. Reread the letter when you’re done and come back to it a few days later or whenever you need another dose of self-compassion.

Emotionally Disengage

In chapter 13, I talked about how suppressing your emotions isn’t a smart coping mechanism, because your feelings are likely to leak out anyway. However, there is a form of emotional disengagement that is productive: caring less. If the pattern of dysfunction is deeply ingrained, doing this will take some effort. But mantras can help. Find a phrase that reminds you not to ruminate about your challenging relationship at work. Maybe you tell yourself, This isn’t about me; This will pass; or Stay focused on what matters, and this doesn’t matter.

You might also try to put the situation in perspective. In the heat of the moment, a challenging dynamic with a colleague can feel all-consuming, but ask yourself how you will feel about the situation in a week, in a year, or in five years. Will it still feel as critical as it does now? Or will it feel like a distant memory?

If you find it difficult to emotionally distance yourself from conflict and you tend to replay troubling encounters over and over in your head, give yourself a time limit. Set a timer for ten or fifteen minutes and allow yourself to go over the situation in your mind until the alarm goes off; then shift your focus to something else. Don’t give your coworker permission to take up space in your mind. That’s valuable real estate!

When you have to interact, be mindful of what you do before and after. For example, if you know you’re going to be spending a lot of time with a tormentor, you might start your morning doing something that reliably lifts your spirits. Michelle Gielan, author of Broadcasting Happiness, keeps a compliments folder similar to the one I described in chapter 3 and she’ll look through nice notes or even pictures of her kids to get herself in the “right headspace” before dealing with a chronic complainer, for example.

Similarly, do something to help you decompress after tough interactions. Text a friend, go for a quick walk, or listen to music. Choose something that you know will improve your mood and can help counteract the negative impact of dealing with your coworker. This practice will help you recover and make you “battle ready,” as Gielan calls it, when you have to engage next time.

There’s one other tactic I use to emotionally disengage, and I’ll admit, it’s not the nicest approach, but I find it helpful in the most distressing cases. I remind myself that every morning my challenging coworker has to wake up as themselves—the unpleasant, likely unhappy, person who has made our interactions so fraught. And I get to wake up as me.

Accept the Situation

Part of interpersonal resilience is accepting that we can’t always have the relationships we want. And we can’t get along with everyone. Even when you try to say what’s on your mind with empathy and kindness, people won’t necessarily be happy about it. And while you assume the best of someone, they may not reciprocate. I have one final mantra I’ll share that helps me when I’m still at odds with a colleague, despite my best efforts.

This mantra came to me from an old friend named Geeno. A few summers ago, my family hosted a talent show, an annual tradition where kids (and some adults) show off their skills, whether that’s playing ukulele, juggling, reading a poem, or doing a darn good impression of a cheetah. Geeno and his partner performed a song. They explained that they had learned it from an old friend of theirs, a member of the Radical Faeries, a loosely affiliated group of queer activists committed to challenging the status quo and celebrating the eccentric.

The song, it turned out, was more like a mantra. It was simple, just a few lines. Geeno and his partner sang it once and then led us all in singing it with them. We sang the final line over and over.

Whether you are asking a know-it-all colleague to stop interrupting you or explaining to someone why their comment was offensive and not just an innocent remark, you may upset, and even anger, people. And that’s OK. Disagreements are an inevitable, normal, and healthy part of relating to other people. The goal isn’t to feel comfortable every step of the way; it’s to strengthen your relationship and take care of yourself in the process.

I repeat the words from that song Geeno taught me pretty much every day. Because that’s the point of a mantra—even when we know something deeply, we can all use a little reminder.

Remember: It’s All about Our Relationships

I’ve been lucky. The list of people I’ve enjoyed working with—and have had meaningful relationships with—is long. And the list of people with whom I’ve had difficult relationships is, thankfully, short. Of course, those in the latter category loom large in my mind, especially when I am in the thick of it. But I feel better, have more confidence, do better work, and thrive on and off the job when I remind myself that a given interpersonal disaster represents only a fraction of my workplace interactions.

Ideally, with the advice in this book, you’ll be able to turn a colleague who has felt like a thorn in your side into a collaborator or perhaps even a friend. But the more realistic goal is simply to shift the dynamic—improve it—so that it causes you less strife and you have the energy to do your best work. You can achieve this by first acknowledging the importance of relationships at work, understanding why tricky ones weigh so heavily on your mind, and then taking a close look at yourself, cleaning up your side of the street. By exploring your colleague’s motivations and experimenting with tactics to move the needle, you can come up with an approach that feels authentic to you. Of course, you’ll also need determination, creativity, and acceptance, especially if things don’t work out the way you hope.

Through it all, don’t lose sight of the need to prioritize yourself, your health, and your career. It’s easy to get swept up in conflict with a coworker and spend your time focused on them. But your well-being is always critically important.

The ability to confidently and calmly navigate friction with other people isn’t just a work skill; it’s a life skill. We often disagree, and that’s OK. As long as we do it with respect, compassion, and kindness, it can lead to new ideas, stronger bonds, and a refreshing level of candor. Isn’t that what we all want?

It’s not always easy, but we can have better relationships at work and beyond—and we deserve them.