5

There’s a certain type of pessimist that is common enough and vexing enough to warrant its own archetype: the victim. This is the colleague who feels like everyone is out to get them. They don’t take accountability for their actions and quickly point the finger at others when things go wrong. And when you try to give them constructive feedback, they respond with a “woe is me” attitude or a laundry list of excuses.

Like the pessimist, the victim believes that bad things are going to happen and that there’s little they can do to change that, but they also believe—and complain—that these negative events happen to them in particular. While the pessimist will insist that “the sky is falling,” the victim says, “The sky is falling on me.”

Take Gerald. He had been brought in to manage a retail store that was lagging behind the company’s other stores in the same area. The regional manager, Carlotta, was keen on hiring Gerald because, according to his résumé and references, he had engineered successful store turnarounds in the past. She imagined he’d be a “breath of fresh air” for the faltering store and its staff. But he turned out to be the opposite. “More like a wet blanket,” she told me.

Right from the beginning, Gerald pushed back on the targets Carlotta set, claiming they weren’t realistic, even though they were based on results that similar stores had been able to achieve. When she visited the store, she could see that he was bringing down the mood of the employees. “It was like a gray cloud whenever he walked in the room,” she says. When Carlotta tried to push him to be more upbeat or to embrace the challenge of turning around the store, Gerald said that he simply couldn’t do what was being asked of him. “He never took ownership or responsibility. Someone or something else was always to blame—the staff, the store location, the weather. You name it.”

Gerald saw himself as a victim of circumstances, powerless to direct his own fate. Perhaps you’ve worked with someone who has the same mentality. Here are some of the behaviors that are common to this archetype:

• Feeling sorry for themselves and expecting others to do the same (pity party, anyone?)
• Evading responsibility for things that go wrong and placing blame on other people or external factors
• Pushing back on constructive feedback with excuses about why they can’t be at fault
• Dragging others down with complaining and a “woe is me” attitude
• Wallowing in negative feelings
• Forecasting failure, particularly for themselves

Is it possible to help a colleague like Gerald change their mindset? Is there a way to get them to be more accountable? And how do you handle the emotional toll of working with someone who feels like they always have a target on their back?

In this chapter, I’ll talk about this particular type of pessimist, what fuels them, and how to handle them. Since many of the tactics for getting along with someone who plays the victim are similar to those for dealing with a pessimist, this chapter is shorter than the others. I recommend reading both chapters to achieve the best results.

Let’s start with what makes someone with a victim mentality tick.

The Background on Victim Behaviors

People who think of themselves as victims share several key traits with pessimists. They have the same negative outlook (“bad things will happen”) and lack of agency (“I can do little to change that”), but unlike pessimists, they believe that other people or circumstances are at fault for the disappointing or distressing outcomes. As you can see from the list of typical behaviors, a victim’s core beliefs and attitudes manifest in different ways than pessimists’ do. Rather than pointing out risks all the time, victims are often consumed by who is to blame, which never happens to be them.

A team of academics in Israel coined a term that sheds light on this trait: tendency for interpersonal victimhood or TIV. The researchers define TIV as “an ongoing feeling that the self is a victim” and it’s not just in one circumstance or relationship but across different kinds of relationships.1 Many people, when faced with unpleasant moments, say, being cut in line at the grocery store or interrupted in a meeting, brush them off or confront them head-on. Those with TIV see these incidents as evidence of their own victimhood—that they are uniquely and unduly vulnerable to bad luck and suffering.

Other experts use the term victim syndrome. Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries, a psychoanalyst and professor of leadership development and organizational change at INSEAD, has developed a checklist to help people identify whether they’re dealing with someone who suffers from this syndrome (see table 5-1).

TABLE 5-1

Victim syndrome checklist

Source: Adapted from Manfred F. R. Kets de Vries, “Are You a Victim of the Victim Syndrome?,” Organizational Dynamics 43, no. 2 (July 2012), https://www.researchgate.net/publication/256028208_Are_You_a_Victim_of_the_Victim_Syndrome.

Reviewing these questions can help you pinpoint which of your colleague’s behaviors are particularly problematic. You can then tailor your approach based on the ones you want to address.

Keep in mind that a victim’s habits are often rooted in real pain. Some people adopt a victim mentality as a response to trauma, manipulation, betrayal, or neglect. And it can have serious consequences such as loneliness, depression, and isolation.

Still, many people in this archetype maintain the attitude because it garners them certain benefits. Signaling suffering can be an effective way to get attention or sympathy. It can also justify seeking retribution. As de Vries points out, “It’s nice to be noticed and validated; it feels good when others pay us attention; and it’s pleasant to have our dependency needs gratified.”2

But when it comes to feeling like a victim or working with one, the costs outweigh the benefits.

The Costs of Working with a Victim

One of the differences between pessimism and victimhood is that there are upsides to the former, but not so much to the latter. While a pessimist’s outlook can be helpful in identifying potential risks or pointing out pitfalls that others are missing, a victim’s attitude rarely does more than irritate and alienate their coworkers.

The primary cost of working with someone with a victim mentality is emotional contagion. Carlotta’s feeling that Gerald’s presence was like a “gray cloud” is a common experience. A victim’s insistence that things are bad and there’s no way to change them can be contagious—you might begin to wonder if people or circumstances are pitted against you. Carlotta told me that Gerald’s doubts had her focused on all the reasons the store couldn’t succeed rather than the actions they could take to mount a comeback.

It’s also exasperating working with someone who deflects responsibility. You might experience exhaustion from their constant negativity or burnout from trying to counter their influence on group morale. There’s also a good chance of becoming resentful if you’re having to do a victim’s work for them or taking on the emotional burden of constantly persuading them that they’re OK.

To improve your working relationship, start by asking yourself a few questions.

Questions to Ask Yourself

There are several questions about this woe-is-me behavior that you should consider as you develop a thoughtful response.

Are they truly a victim? Are they being targeted by colleagues, senior leaders, clients, or others?

Consider your coworker’s complaints. Is it possible that their claims of ill treatment are true? There’s a difference between being justifiably upset by ostracization or abuse in the workplace and unjustifiably feeling like the world is against you. There are many people who experience sexism, racism, ageism, and other inappropriate behavior at work whose complaints about unfair treatment are legitimate. Sometimes a statement like “she always plays the victim” can be used to dismiss egregious behavior from others and to even gaslight employees who are on the receiving end of mistreatment. That’s why it’s important that we carefully consider complaints and do our part to stop or remediate microaggressions, sexual harassment, and any other forms of discrimination and injustice. (There’s more about responding effectively to microaggressions in chapter 9.)

Be careful of outright dismissal of your coworker’s claims that they’ve been wronged and look closely at what’s going on. To find out, pay closer attention to dynamics in meetings or talk to a trusted colleague who has better insight into what your colleague is experiencing—perhaps a longtime collaborator or friend of the victim. If you do discover that their assertions are legitimate, or even if you suspect they are, consider what you can do to support them, such as referring them to someone internally who can take action.

What triggers your colleague’s victim attitude?

Some people, like Gerald, feel like a victim almost all the time. Others fall into the mindset only under certain circumstances. Does your colleague play the victim when they get tough feedback? Or when they are solely responsible for something consequential (perhaps because they buckle under pressure)? Are there particular people who seem to bring out the worst in them?

Observing their behavior will give you clues about which tactics to experiment with.

Tactics to Try

Many of the tactics that work with a pessimist, such as keeping the group positive to counteract their doom and gloom and providing a counternarrative to their “I never get what I want” complaints, will help with victims, too. (Refer to chapter 4 for more on these.) There are other strategies that are specific to this archetype, such as offering a different perspective and reminding a victim that they do have control over some outcomes. Let’s take a closer look.

Offer validation

Often a victim wants to be seen or heard, and they see complaining as the only way to get that validation. Offer some positive reinforcement and openly express appreciation for the value your colleague brings to the team. Of course, you don’t want them to feel like they only get compliments when they complain, so save your praise for a time when they’re not griping.

My daughter learned this lesson with a friend who was acting like a victim and once told her, “I feel like no one likes me.” Looking to make him feel better, my daughter started listing all of the things that their classmates appreciated about him—his wry sense of humor, how he was willing to push back on a teacher who was being unfair. The conversation seemingly cheered him. But he kept coming back to my daughter, repeating his belief that people didn’t like him. She would again list his positive attributes, adding to the list each time, but this exchange exhausted her, and she eventually started to resent him. So she changed tactics and found ways to compliment him before he came to her seeking validation, which disrupted the cycle. He seemed less needy overall, and she wasn’t getting sucked into a regular conversation where she was expected to shower him with flattery.

With your coworker, recognize their accomplishments, even if they’re small, or tell them what you most appreciate about them. The only rule is that whatever you say must be genuine. False compliments won’t work.

Help increase their sense of agency

If they say, “That’s out of my control,” and you say, “No, it’s not!” the conversation is likely to stall out quickly. Instead, say something like “I hear you. I don’t react well either when I feel powerless.” Then, ask what they would do if they had the authority or capability to take action and help them think of ways they can follow through with their ideas. For instance, you could say, “I understand that you feel like the leadership team hasn’t been willing to dedicate the resources you need to make this project a success. That’s frustrating. If you got to make the decisions, what would you do differently?” You can even offer to help make a list of steps they can take. If your coworker can’t get out of their own way, try a different tack with a question like “How would someone who was known for getting what they want act in this situation?” By taking someone else’s perspective, they may be able to brainstorm more effectively.

Anat’s colleague Sheila frequently complained about how she was left out of important meetings by their mutual boss, Noni. Initially, Anat told Sheila that he was sure it was just an oversight, and she shouldn’t take it personally. But those attempts to reassure her only made Sheila double down on her claim that she was being intentionally singled out. So he tried a different approach, asking her to express all the reasons she should be at those meetings. She had a ready list, to which Anat responded, “That all makes sense. Have you tried explaining that to Noni?” Sheila said she had, and Anat countered, “What if you tried again?” To his surprise, Sheila took his advice and, in her next one-on-one with Noni, mentioned the reasons why she should be on the invite list. Noni hadn’t realized that Sheila wanted in on the meetings but was happy to include her going forward.

Encourage them to take responsibility

A victim loves to deflect responsibility. Nothing ever seems to be their fault or in their control. When they resort to pointing fingers, try a direct approach: “I see this as your responsibility—let’s talk about why you don’t see it that way.” When you frame the issue clearly, they may have a tough time diverting blame. Or try a gentler way and see if offering to share responsibility—assuming that’s warranted—helps them ease up on the defensiveness a bit. You might say, “The entire team is on the hook for the success of this project, including you and me. While no single person will be blamed if we fail, we all need to take responsibility for pushing things forward.” Assuaging their fear about being blamed may help them take ownership.

This is what Carlotta did with Gerald. After his ninety-day employment trial, Carlotta was honest with Gerald about her concern that he may not work out. Not surprisingly, he became extremely defensive. Unwilling to give up on him, she tried to be clearer about the changes she wanted to see. She explained to Gerald that the staff was looking to him for inspiration and motivation and that his complaints had ripple effects. She also asked him to be more constructive. “I didn’t want to cut off his complaining completely because some of what he was unhappy about was valid, but I did ask that whenever he brought a problem to me in the future that he also present at least one potential solution,” she says. Carlotta laughed the first time Gerald did this because he quickly followed up his recommended solutions with “I’m not sure if this will work.” But over time, he got better at leaving out the caveats.

Turn their focus to helping others

This may seem counterintuitive, but when a victim (or anyone else, for that matter) feels stuck and unable to help themselves, you can sometimes nudge them out of a rut by encouraging them to help someone else. There’s lots of research that shows that giving to others—whether it’s in the form of time, money, or support—improves our own happiness.3 For a coworker with a victim mentality, suggesting they mentor a colleague, lend their expertise to another team, or even volunteer outside of work can deter wallowing and give them a greater sense of agency.

Protect yourself

It’s possible for one person who thinks that the world is against them to convert an entire team to their point of view. I’ve seen this happen in organizations where a particular department—often led by someone with a victim mentality—starts to act as if no one else in the organization understands or appreciates what they do. This becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because the more defensively people in the unit behave, the less trustworthy they appear, prompting their colleagues to doubt their capabilities or avoid collaborating altogether. All the more reason to set and stick to boundaries with a victim, especially if the person is your manager—you don’t want their paranoia, finger-pointing, or failure to be accountable to damage your team’s reputation.

One way to protect yourself from emotional contagion is to simply change the subject when they start complaining. If they don’t take the hint, you can always excuse yourself to refocus on your work. (There’s more on protecting yourself from the negative consequences of any of the archetypes in chapter 12.)

• • •

Carlotta accepted that she wasn’t going to change Gerald’s personality. “I don’t think he was a particularly happy person,” she says. “But the more I offered to co-own things with him, the less he acted like a victim.” This meant that Carlotta had to emphasize the fact that Gerald wouldn’t be the only one blamed if the store missed its targets. When she did that, he stopped pointing the finger at others, complained less, and proactively began trying to solve his own problems.

These changes were good for everyone: Gerald was able to stay on at the store and he helped the team to turn the underperforming location around. Curbing someone’s tendency to see themselves as a victim of fate is difficult, but Carlotta’s experience with Gerald shows that time, energy, and a strategic approach can help an ever-suffering colleague become a more productive member of the team.

TACTICS TO REMEMBER

The Victim

DO:

• Provide positive reinforcement and openly express appreciation for the value your colleague brings to the team.
• Ask what they would do if they had the authority or capability to take action and help them think of ways they can follow through with their ideas.
• Offer to help make a list of steps they can take to achieve their goals.
• Take a direct approach and say something like “I see this as your responsibility—let’s talk about why you don’t see it that way.”
• Boost their sense of agency by encouraging them to mentor a colleague, lend their expertise to another team, or even volunteer outside of work.

DON’T:

• Only give them validation when they complain (you’ll reward their bellyaching).
• Suffer through their griping sessions—it’s OK to excuse yourself or change the subject to something more neutral.