It is often said that the words we speak only account for a small percentage of what we communicate. Important aspects of what we communicate are tone of voice and non-verbal communication and this becomes even more important when the words spoken are at variance with body language. It is therefore vital that a mediator is alert to the non-verbal signals and takes into account this important element of what is being communicated.
I am sure that everyone can relate to situations where the words spoken by someone are totally at odds with their body language or tone of voice, for example, when someone says "yes" but their body language shows that what they really mean is very clearly "no." Examples that I have come across are where facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language (crossed arms, hunched shoulders) and lack of eye contact suggested hurt, anger, and lack of belief in what was being said, namely, that they were in disagreement to what was being proposed.
Where this is the case, it is important to establish what is going on underneath the words. If you feel that there is a variance between what one person is saying and the non-verbal communication, then the best advice is to ask for clarification. For example, pose a question such as "My observation is that whilst you have said "yes" you have not really accepted what X has said, can you clarify that for me?". Also as a mediator, you need to be aware of your own non-verbal communication and ensure that this does not indicate a lack of interest, understanding, or impartiality. The best way to do this is to deeply listen, suspend any judgment, and maintain neutrality (see the upcoming section). If you fail to do so, this will eventually leak out in your non-verbal communication, and if you feel that this might be happening, take a break.
Non-verbal communication includes the following:
- Facial expressions.
- Gestures such as hand movements, waving, and pointing.
- Tone of voice, loudness, inflection, and pitch.
- Body language and posture, intonation, and pace of speech.
- Eye contact: Looking, staring, and blinking, or lack of eye contact. These all display different emotions.
- Haptics: This is communication via touch, for example, touching someone lightly on the arm can convey affection or sympathy.
- Proxemics: This is personal space. Depending on context and preferences, individuals will have differing levels of comfort with the amount of personal space they have.
- Appearance: Choices of colors, clothing, and hairstyles communicate something about us all. We are all guilty of making judgments and assumptions based on people's appearance, and as a mediator, you need to work hard to suspend such judgments and not allow them to influence your views of a party.
Here is an exercise that you can do in order to practice your listening skills:
- Find two other people to work with; ideally others who also want to practice and improve their listening skills.
- Each choose a topic to talk about for 3-5 minutes. Choose a subject that you have strong feelings about, for example, it could be something that you feel angry, sad, or happy about. Examples could be your proudest moments (or your children's), biggest disappointments, best holiday ever, sporting prowess, favorite film, and so on. Don't name the emotion as the listener will be listening for this.
- Decide who the speaker is, who the listener is, and who the observer is.
- For 3-5 minutes, the speaker tells their story and the listener listens. The observer observes using the upcoming checklist.
- For 1-2 minutes, the listener relays back what they have heard, identifying the emotion underneath the words.
- The speaker corrects any detail and gives feedback to the listener.
- The observer gives feedback with reference to the checklist.
- Swap around and repeat this task so that each party has the opportunity to listen, speak, and observe.
The following checklist is useful as a guideline on what to look for to demonstrate that a person is listening deeply and effectively:
List
Appeared to be involved: Good body language, eye contact, focused on the speaker
List
Listened with empathy: Gave appropriate verbal or nonverbal responses
List
Checked understanding: Asked questions for clarification
List
Demonstrated listening: Made comments/gestures to show listening
List
Understood correctly: Articulated what the speaker was thinking and feeling
List
Could repeat accurately what the speaker said
Make a note
Comments/observations
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