Envy

How to Tame the Green-Eyed Monster

Kristan Hoffman

They say envy is a green-eyed monster. We’ve all felt the bite of its fangs and the seep of its poison. That mix of resentment, frustration, and longing can be toxic.

But there’s good news: Envy does have an antidote, and over time we can build up immunity. In my experience, it’s even possible to transform envy into a positive influence. Getting to that point is a practice and a process—one I’m constantly working on—but I believe that the rewards are well worth the effort.

PUT AWAY THE MEASURING STICK

They say comparison is the thief of joy. I know this to be true because I have spent far too much time stealing happiness from myself.

Like most modern writers, I rely on the Internet for information, camaraderie, and outreach. It’s an amazing resource and basically serves as the industry watercooler. However, the Internet also feeds my doubts and insecurities. Every week, new deals are announced. Starred reviews are awarded. Bestseller rankings and film options are shouted from the rooftops—as well they should be. But if your accomplishments are of the quieter sort, all that noise can make you feel inadequate.

How do you stop measuring your worth against other people’s high points? I have unfollowed blogs; unfriended authors, agents, and editors that I didn’t know personally; and given myself permission to be less informed and connected. The result is that I have more positive energy to focus on my writing. And whenever I do poke my head into the publishing den, I find that little has changed. My absence does not plunge me into ignorance or obscurity.

We face a million distractions, a million drains on our time, enthusiasm, and well-being. Envy doesn’t have to be one of them. Keep your eyes on your own path. Guard against thieves—especially the sneakiest thief of all: yourself.

SAIL WITH THE TIDE

They say a rising tide lifts all ships. Envy wants you to believe the opposite: that when another writer floats to the top, you sink to the bottom. But publishing is not a zero-sum game, so don’t let envy’s lies become your truth.

The next time a book hits big—like Orphan Girl with a Da Vinci Secret: The Life-Changing Memoir of a Reality TV Star—remind yourself that it will bring thousands of readers to the shelves. People are hungry for great storytelling, but with television, movies, apps, and everything else competing for their attention, books often fall to the wayside. Anything that generates excitement for the written word benefits us all.

When you hear about an author snagging a seven-figure multibook deal at auction, remember that she wrote her manuscript the same way you write yours: one word at a time. And she probably did so in between loads of laundry, maybe bleary-eyed at the break of dawn, possibly even with a baby crying in the background. It’s impossible to know every writer and the trials they face—but it is possible to remember that no writer succeeds without putting in effort and facing occasional setbacks. Not a single one.

It’s normal to wonder, “Why not me?” when you see your dream coming true for someone else. But the real question is: “Why not me?” There is no reason at all why it can’t be you. You’re a boat, they’re a boat, we’re all just boats, bobbing on the same waters. So embrace the tide, and keep sailing toward your vision of success.

BORROW LIGHT FROM OTHERS

They say it is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness. Though envy tries to blind us by casting deep and bitter shadows, I’ve found that wanting what someone else has can actually serve as a flame of inspiration to light the way forward.

When someone I care about works hard and does well, I feel joy and admiration. I celebrate her wins and try to learn from them. Knowing that she has gotten to a place I want to go makes it feel more doable. I am encouraged, motivated, reinvigorated. I don’t want to take anything away from her; I just want to create a version of it for myself.

Why should that be any different for someone I don’t know? Envy and admiration are two sides of the same coin, so whenever I start to feel jealousy, I flip it around and look for things to respect and emulate. Maybe I can integrate something from that person’s process into my own. Maybe her editor is someone I should submit to in the future. Maybe it’s as simple as soaking up her wonder and gratitude, and using that as fuel for faith in my own journey.

Rather than begrudge the successes of others, we can choose to celebrate and learn. If they catch fire, we don’t have to burn with resentment. We can use their light to illuminate our paths.

WALK AWAY FROM THE MONSTER IN THE MIRROR

They say envy is a green-eyed monster. But it doesn’t jump out at you from cobwebbed corners. Envy is a monster that lives in the mirror. It is the ugliest reflection of ourselves.

With all this talk about what other people are getting or achieving, it’s easy to think of envy as an external issue. But it’s not really. Envy is about us. It’s about the distance between where we are and where we want to be. So the best way to undermine envy is to take a step, no matter how small, in the direction of our dreams. One step at a time. That’s how we close the gap. That’s how we get away from the monster. That’s how we get anywhere worth going.