CHAPTER 28
Confronting with Courtesy
Preserving Relationships While Resolving Differences
Confrontation and conflict are natural phenomena that grow out of many kinds of competitive endeavors, and certainly a highly charged business environment provides fertile ground for honest disagreement. When properly managed, these forces can accelerate a company’s growth and performance. However, issues such as limited resources, contradictory interpretations of business strategies or plans, and differing methods to achieve goals all provide fertile ground for people to become proprietary, frustrated, and even confrontational and combative.
Few people actually relish a confrontation, whether it occurs with a recalcitrant colleague, an angry boss, or an unhappy customer. Although some people seem to actually thrive on adversarial situations, most of us, when faced with conflict, run for cover, give in immediately, jump to a no-win compromise, or generally handle it poorly.
Further, conflict presents the potential for undesirable long-term consequences. If we typically win all of our disputes, we develop a reputation as a bully. If we give in too easily, we’re viewed as wimpy. If we just avoid the issue, nothing gets resolved, or the problem morphs into something worse.
Levels and Sources of Conflict
Conflict appears in the workplace at various levels. Peg Pickering, author of How to Manage Conflict: Turn All Conflicts into Win-Win Outcomes, refers to three stages of conflict that range from everyday irritations, to more serious challenges with higher consequences, to harmful situations where the desire to win is surpassed by the desire to punish. What stage of conflict we encounter depends on a variety of factors: the importance of the issue, pride and ego, values, personalities, and even our skill (or lack thereof) at handling disagreements and confrontations.
Conflict in the workplace results from a number of factors. It can grow out of a scarcity of resources. For example, two people need one available copier for a big job, or the secretarial pool has gotten too shallow for everyone’s project, or, on a more personal level, there is one available promotion and two candidates. Conflict may also arise out of differing values: Some people in an organization may take great pleasure in making themselves look good—at other people’s expense.
Conflict often grows out of incorrect assumptions or incomplete or invalid information. For example, you get angry because when Sheila needs to talk to you, she always has her administrative assistant get you on the phone and put you on hold. You assume that in placing phone calls this way, she considers her time more valuable than yours.
Interestingly, conflict also grows out of open communication. The more everyone feels comfortable speaking freely, the more likely that disagreements will arise. In these situations, we should remember that confrontations are neither good nor bad. It’s all in how we deal with them. Handled poorly, workplace conflicts will shut down the open flow of communication, negatively affecting trust, productivity, and morale.
Avoiding the High Cost of Unresolved Conflict
Left unresolved, conflict can paralyze relationships. At work, when team members or departments stop working together, duplication of efforts and resources develops, and important results are diminished, blocked, or altered.
In many cases, benefits can arise from the successful collaboration and resolution of opposing views, in the form of better problem solving, unconstrained creativity, and greater organizational unity. The challenge, then, is how to handle conflict in a way that can be tough on the issues and soft on the people. Here are some generally accepted suggestions.
Deal with the issue quickly. When I was a child, my mother taught me not to go to bed angry. The old adage, “Don’t let the sun go down on your anger,” makes a similar point: When we let unpleasant situations fester, we may end up with a problem that started out as trivial but has grown more intense as we stewed over it.
Resolving conflicts quickly, however, doesn’t mean that you should blurt out your displeasure or disagreement the moment you perceive the disturbance. Reflect on the situation long enough to plan how you want to position your remarks, and decide when and where you want to discuss the issue. Confrontations in front of an audience are rarely successful. Few situations put people on the defensive faster than being embarrassed publicly.
If the situation is a mild disagreement that you can settle immediately, such as differing views in a problem-solving meeting, make sure that you approach the subject in a nonthreatening way that preserves the dignity and reputation of the other person. You might say something like, “I have a slightly different perspective on this that I’d like to share with you.”
The way you bring up your side of an argument can make a world of difference. I was once in a meeting where a junior executive brought up a point that he obviously thought was a great concept. He was greeted with the response: “You’re about two years too late with that idea!” He didn’t say another word for the rest of the discussion, and the possibilities for exploring variations of his suggestion went by the wayside.
Ask questions to gain perspective. Information is a great deterrent to destructive conflict. The more you know about the person’s reasons for behaving a certain way, the better chance you both have of resolving things to mutual satisfaction. Further, getting the straight story, if possible, keeps you from assigning motives to someone’s behavior. Taking it upon yourself to determine why someone behaved in a particular way is usually a quick way to escalate anger.
If you’re curious about the reason for someone’s behavior, by all means ask, but in a nonthreatening way. One way to avoid being adversarial in your questioning is to avoid questions that begin with “why.” In a situation where no conflict is present, employing “why” questions can be very illuminating. But when you add a touch of conflict to the issue, questions that begin with “why” can put people on the defensive immediately.
Finding out the underlying reasons for observable behavior can also help you in resolving the conflict. Perhaps Allan became agitated and irritable when you asked him how the Marston deal was progressing. His response might be something like, “You’re always checking up on me like I can’t handle myself in a sales situation.” The real problem might lie in the fact that Allan has just gotten word that one of his current customers has reduced its orders for this quarter, and he is looking at a poor quarterly performance if he can’t close the Marston deal. He’s already putting pressure on himself; the added pressure that he is now feeling from you, either real or imagined, is creating stress, and he’s reacting accordingly.
The more you can find out about both the position that someone takes and the underlying reason for that position the better your chances for bringing the situation to a positive end for everyone.
In an interesting conflict-resolution exercise, two people are charged with negotiating for possession of a particular fruit (usually an orange or a grapefruit) that has amazing proprieties to cure a variety of diseases. At first, things look as though it is an all-or-nothing situation; one or the other must end up in the dominant position. However, as the two sides talk and reveal their reasons for wanting the fruit, they discover that one needs the juice and the other the rind. So, in actuality, no conflict exists.
Obviously, getting to this kind of win-win outcome requires a fairly high level of trust, which is difficult to build instantly once you find yourself in conflict with another person. If you have a reputation for treating people courteously and fairly and valuing them as individuals, when conflicts occur, you will have a much better chance of getting through them unscathed.
Discuss only the here and now. Often when we get into an argument with another person, all the problems we have ever had with that person come surging back into our minds. In some cases, the behaviors that prompted the current conflict have caused conflicts in the past. However, when addressing a conflict, it’s important to focus the discussion only on the issue that created the current conflict. For example, say you are dealing with a coworker who was late for a meeting with an important customer. Worse, your colleague had information that kept the meeting from starting on time, and this latest event wasn’t the first time you and others had suffered inconvenience and frustration because of this person’s tardiness. Regardless of the history, you should focus on the current situation, and get the person to concentrate on this particular circumstance and why his or her behavior caused a problem. If you need to have a talk about habitual lateness, do it separately.
Don’t overreact; respond appropriately to the situation. Often, in our frustration and anger, we let our own emotions escalate to a fever pitch before we actually engage the other person or group. If you react to coffee stirrer sticks and used sweetener packets left on the break room counter with the same intensity that you respond to discovering that the CFO has embezzled the pension fund, then your credibility starts to suffer and you lose the perspective necessary to resolving the issue effectively.
Even if the situation is serious, assess the relationship and decide how much anger or energy it will bear. You may have to back off a bit because of the consequences that might result if you reveal the full extent of your feelings.
In any case, be sure to maintain a courteous demeanor with restrained body language during the discussion or disagreement. Remember that you want the relationship to survive this specific situation. You should be able to walk away from a conflict without regrets.
Know also that some people use explosive anger to intimidate others and create a protective wall around them. If you are in conflict with someone who deploys this tactic, call that person on the behavior. Say, very calmly, that you will be happy to discuss the matter when his or her emotions are under control.
Focus on solutions, not on blame. Conflict often occurs when someone has made a mistake that has negative effects on others, perhaps even an entire organization. The natural tendency is to find a scapegoat and dump all our frustrations on the offender. We may be hurt, or angry, or discouraged by the situation, and frankly, dwelling on the negative is easier than picking up and starting over.
In a great scene from Apollo 13, when the character played by Ed Harris realizes that the mission has failed and the astronauts’ lives are in extreme danger, he says, “Let’s work the problem, people.” Rather than trying to find out who did what and begin a finger-pointing ritual that wastes precious minutes, the team shifts its focus immediately to finding a way to overcome incredible obstacles and avert doom.
If we can adopt the same attitude when issues arise in our own workplaces, we not only will avoid the backbiting and blaming but also will unleash a new level of creativity that finds better answers to challenging situations and ultimately benefits both individuals and organizations.
Preempt the conflict if possible. Although finding ways to resolve conflict is critical, whenever possible, work to keep conflicts from occurring. Assumptions often lead to discord, and if you can replace assumptions with certainty, you can avoid expending energy in resolving disputes.
One way to bypass conflict is to formulate clear agreements up front. Use the journalist’s who, what, and when, tenets along with answering the questions “What if?” and “What’s next?” Having answers to these vital questions and verifying that all parties approve the answers can prevent later disagreements about expectations and responsibilities. Let’s say that Kendra and Judy decide to give a baby shower for their coworker Martine, who is going on maternity leave next month. The shower will be at the office in the employee lounge in two weeks. While on lunch break with Colleen, Kendra spies some great decorations for a baby shower, including plates, napkins, and paper tablecloths. Colleen encourages her to buy them.
Together, they return to the office and proudly show Judy the purchase, at which time Judy reacts negatively and angrily at being left out of the shower planning activities. The argument quickly escalates.
How could Kendra and Judy have avoided this conflict? What agreements could they have formulated about the baby shower that would have kept a pleasant event from turning sour? Certainly, they needed to answer questions about roles and responsibilities. What would they decide together, what would they do jointly, and what parts of the event would each person handle?
Get over it. As adults, most of us realize that we’re going to be wrong from time to time, and we learned long ago that we aren’t always going to get our way. Similarly, people are going to make mistakes that cause us to suffer consequences—and we will, conversely do the same. If we handle our disagreements in a courteous, nonthreatening, non-blaming manner, we may find that the outcomes are surprisingly positive and beneficial and that relationships thrive in a stimulating, accepting, and responsive atmosphere.
The Bottom Line
Most of us, when faced with conflict, run for cover, give in immediately, jump to a no-win compromise, or generally handle it poorly.
Often, benefits arise from the successful collaboration and resolution of opposing views.
Whenever possible, resolve a disagreement quickly.
Confrontation and conflict are natural phenomena that grow out of many kinds of competitive endeavors, and certainly a highly charged business environment provides fertile ground for honest disagreement.
Replacing assumptions with clear and accurate information is a major step toward resolving conflict.
Focus on finding solutions rather than on assigning blame.
Preempt conflict by formulating clear agreements.
The challenge, then, is how do we handle conflict in a way that we can be tough on the issues and soft on the people?
Action Plan:
Over the next thirty days,
I will stop ___________________________________________________
I will start ___________________________________________________
I will continue ________________________________________________