Introduction

What would change if you felt more confident? Would you have a better job with more responsibilities, making more money? Would your personal life look different? Would your conversations be more honest? Think about this for a minute.

If you said yes to any of these questions, let’s look at some of the reasons why you aren’t where you’d like to be. You probably want to address both external and internal factors. Externally, women face cultural prejudices that impede our advancement—we are confronted by gender inequities every day. We get frustrated because sometimes our goals have to take a backseat to navigating through this resistance.

But despite these obstacles, some women have been able to move up to the C-suite. So how did they do it? Do they, internally, have more confidence than the average woman? These questions intrigued me.

As an expert on women’s issues, I am often asked how to develop confidence. This question kept coming up, so I thought it was time to write about the important topic of women and confidence. I interviewed a number of successful women leaders to find out their thoughts, and after talking to them and reflecting on my own experiences in the workplace, I realized that Confidence with a capital C is a myth. No one has the confidence issue all sewn up, but there’s this pervasive misconception that some of us do.

Confidence is often understood to mean

• Being comfortable with oneself (true)

• Courageously taking action while not knowing the result (true)

• Practicing fearlessness (false)

Fear is actually an inherent part of stepping out in a new way. Too many of us wait until we feel comfortable that all of our skills line up before we make a move, and as a result, we miss out on the big breaks needed to advance our careers.

The goal of this book is to demonstrate that most women in positions of leadership who have achieved high levels of success felt shaky at times, but they took action anyway. If they hadn’t, they would have missed valuable opportunities to make a difference.

My story

Truth be told, my level of fearlessness varies on any given day, even now. Looking back on my career, I often had to act as if I believed in myself when I was doubtful. My list of achievements—television host, author, diversity consultant, and founder of a popular career women’s website— certainly did not come easily to me.

When I started my own business in the mid-’90s, “stressed out” was my natural state of being. My friends thought I was crazy for going out on my own during a recession. Money was of great concern as my husband (at the time) and I had a toddler to support. Despite those circumstances, I knew it was time to leap into action, time to take a smart and calculated risk.

I had a burning desire to empower women and girls by creating a multimedia company focused on the issues of working women. I was very motivated, but I did not know the first thing about producing for television or putting together a website. I had to learn everything from scratch: how to get a distributor, create a sales pitch for potential sponsors, manage a production budget, handle releases and get them executed—the list went on. I definitely did not feel like I had everything under control as I stepped out each day and bumped up against more obstacles.

At first I found it difficult to reach out for support (as a child I was taught to appear self-sufficient), but in time I learned to humble myself and accept help from others. I realized that if I wanted to make big changes, I could not do it on my own. Not everyone was supportive, but more than enough people offered me their time and expertise along the way. One colleague, Suzanne Altfeld, was incredibly generous. She became a mentor to me, offering priceless feedback, celebrating my successes, and motivating me to continue when I made mistakes.

What I know for sure—as a result of my experience and the experiences of other successful women—is that you can have lofty goals and achieve them without feeling like you are in complete command of what you’re tackling.

The importance of taking action anyway

Shari Levine, an executive vice president at Bravo Media, told me over lunch that she often interviewed for jobs she would need to grow into. She has used her confidence and straight-talking ability to land several of these positions.

In fact, most senior women leaders have had to take big risks to get bigger jobs. They may have felt shaky and unsure about their qualifications, but they took action anyway. In doing so, they moved closer to their goals. Their commitment to making a difference was greater than any gender prejudice or self-doubt they might have felt.

Reaching a higher level is often an uphill battle, but shying away from the challenge deprives others of our valuable insights. We can no longer wait on the sidelines. My call to action is not just for the leaders at the top but for all of us: if you are not making a difference and you know you can, step up. Shari advised jokingly, “Just wear a skirt long enough to cover the fact that your knees are shaking.”

I’m sure that men could benefit from some of the material presented in this book. However, I chose to focus on how the traditional concept of confidence relates to women because false perceptions—myths about what confidence is—harm women more than men.

In The Confidence Code, journalists Katty Kay and Claire Shipman sift through the research and explore the differences between male and female workers—from the way we process information to the physiology of our brains, to the overt and subtle ways our culture determines who will ascend to high-level positions. They observed that women are seen as underconfident, underestimating their own knowledge and skills. Men, on the other hand, tend to be overconfident,¹ more likely to have an inflated sense of who they are and what they can achieve.

Why shouldn’t women step into positions of more responsibility? Why not go for the bigger job, even if you don’t have all of the skills required? Why not reject the position you are overqualified for and counter with, “I want the job two levels higher”? Don’t listen to the negative voice that whispers, “You don’t have what it takes.” This attitude stems from prejudice, not truth.

The myth of the highly confident individual without fear must give way to a more realistic assessment of what confidence involves. A confident woman has the whole package: talent, insight, excitement, courage, and fear. Confidence is not the absence of discomfort; rather, it is taking action while having conflicting thoughts and sensations. We need to align our definition of confidence with Nelson Mandela’s understanding of courage: “I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it.” Real confidence is acknowledging fear and moving forward anyway.

Book overview

My sincere hope for this book is to help women like you redefine confidence (with an acknowledgment that fear and courage are components just as much as talent and insight are) and to persuade you to reach for your next big goal.

I believe that each one of us is called to make an important contribution. This book is a practical tool kit to help you navigate through internal resistance in the service of making your own important contribution. The many qualities we bring to the table, including creativity, connectivity, and a unique perspective, are needed around the globe. Let me support you as you think, dream, and act boldly.

My team at WomenWorking.com conducted an online survey of 535 people, mostly women, covering confidence issues both at work and in our personal lives.² Insights and important results from this survey appear throughout the book, along with confidence myths that need to be busted, wisdom from high-level professional women, and Confidence Sparks (exercises, tips, and reflections) to help you move forward in spite of the uneasiness you may feel. A What Would You Do? exercise at the end of each chapter presents challenging scenarios and effective ways of dealing with them. A convenient Power Tools summary helps solidify the main takeaways from each chapter.

The results of the Women and Confidence Survey were clear and consistent, and they confirmed my initial thoughts on this important topic: a perceived lack of confidence holds most of us back, but it doesn’t have to. You will never feel 100 percent self-assured as you step out in a bigger way. Moving forward with fear is a skill you develop over time and with practice. And I can tell you from experience that now is the best time to test the waters.

Below are short summaries of what you will find in each chapter.

Chapter 1: Transform Fear by Stepping Up

Myth: I can’t tackle it now; I’m not ready.

Truth: I can do it. What I don’t know I will learn or delegate.

Chapter 1 sets the stage for looking fear in the face as you step out in a new way. Inspiring stories from the women I’ve interviewed will prepare you for identifying and committing to stretch goals.

Chapter 2: Lead with Presence

Myth: It’s not possible to learn how to be a dynamic leader.

Truth: Leadership presence can be cultivated and is available to me.

Leading with presence involves presenting yourself authentically, exhibiting poise during stressful times, reading the room, artfully listening, dressing the part, and, especially for women, using power language to assert yourself. Chapter 2 presents skill-building tips in these areas and more.

Chapter 3: Win with Honest Feedback

Myth: When I feel criticized, I react defensively and I can’t be objective.

Truth: I have the ability to discriminate, take what fits, and leave the rest.

In order to advance, you must understand how others see you. In our quest for excellence, our perfectionism can get in the way of our ability to accept feedback and grow from it. Chapter 3 provides examples and strategies for processing feedback constructively and determining what’s valuable. Useful ways of giving feedback are also offered.

Chapter 4: Create Power Parameters

Myth: If I don’t do it, no one else will.

Truth: If I say no, others will pick up the slack, and that will be just fine.

As women, demands on our time come from so many fronts that we can lose sight of our own needs. Our well-being and future success depend on our ability to set limits with people and prioritize what we need from day to day. In chapter 4, you will be given strategies for determining your “power parameters” and having the often difficult conversations necessary to create them.

Chapter 5: Stand Out and Attract Sponsors

Myth: The competition for sponsors is fierce—standing out and getting one is too difficult.

Truth: I can attract and build important power alliances.

Awareness has increased in the last several years about the importance of attracting sponsors, people who advocate for you when positions open up. Men have cultivated these powerful relationships for decades, and women can learn a lot from them. You can create these crucial alliances, and chapter 5 will give you the tools to do so.

Chapter 6: Trust Your Inner Compass

Myth: When I am under pressure, I can’t tap into my intuitive insight.

Truth: I always have access to my intuition and the ability to use it.

Tough choices are made every day in business, and often we have no precedent to guide our decision making, especially as women travel into uncharted workplace territory. Developing an inner compass can help you navigate the bumps along the way and bust the myths discussed in the previous chapters. Chapter 6 provides tools to help you connect with your inner wisdom and make intuition your professional edge.

Appendix A: Thirty Days of Confidence Sparks

Appendix A includes thirty additional Confidence Sparks. Each will boost your ability to take action and move forward in a positive way toward your next achievement. I encourage you to make reading and reflecting on them a daily practice.

Appendix B: The Women and Confidence Survey

Appendix B includes a discussion and presentation of The Women and Confidence Survey and the methodology used. It also presents the survey questions and results.