3

Win with Honest Feedback

MYTH

When I feel criticized, I react defensively and I can’t be objective.

TRUTH

I have the ability to discriminate, take what fits, and leave the rest.

Many people don’t like confrontation, so telling you what you are doing right is easier for them than saying what you’re doing wrong. But if no one speaks honestly to you, how will you know what is getting in the way of your moving up?

Feedback tells us how we are really being perceived, so if we are not getting it, we need to ask for it. Although feedback may not be easy to seek out or hear, once we get it we can take what fits, make the necessary adjustments, and discard what doesn’t. In my interviews with women leaders, they all agreed that honest feedback is a must. What we don’t know will hurt us.

Jill Campbell, COO of Cox Communications, almost derailed her career because she didn’t realize the effect she was having on people. Thankfully she received some constructive criticism and was able to put it to use.

“Before I was COO, I was having some problems because I was very emotional. I’d get pissed off about things in front of groups and that would scare people. I had been with the company for thirty years, so I thought it was okay. But it wasn’t. My [career] coach told me, ‘They’re scared of you, and that’s killing you.’ When I heard it said that way, I thought, Wow, this is important. I need to change.

“In cable, people cuss a lot. I have really toned that down. It wasn’t hard to do, which surprised me. If it was going to block me in my career, I knew I needed to fix it. I would have never done that if I didn’t get that feedback.”

I have gotten similar feedback about how people read me when I am stressed and under a deadline or when an unexpected setback happens: I tense up and my voice gets firm. My staff reads this behavior as if they have done something wrong, even when they haven’t. That’s not how I want them to feel.

It was suggested to me that during those times I raise my voice instead of lowering it and keep my tone as neutral as possible. I don’t always succeed at doing this, but I do try. I believe my staff is as grateful for the feedback I received as I am!

Lisa Kudlacz, general manager of global interventional pain management at Halyard Health, shared how the honesty of a colleague helped her develop her public speaking skills:

“Early in my career I made a major presentation to the executive team, and I was quite nervous. I knew it didn’t go as smoothly as I would have liked. After people left the room, a coworker approached me and asked if I would like some feedback. I nodded. He mentioned that I had used the word um seventy-five times. I was unaware and practiced not doing that with my subsequent talks, making sure not to utter that word!”

Take the stigma out of feedback

Why do we take feedback personally? I believe the issue goes back to perfectionism, which I discussed in chapter 1. There is a stigma attached to being anything less than perfect, and we feel exposed when we find out through critiques that we aren’t.

Confidence is about showing up and moving forward as we are, not having it all together and never making mistakes. When we allow for mistakes, we are growing. The question then becomes, how do we deal with the discomfort of hearing constructive feedback so we can process it and move forward?

Time can take the sting out of criticism. One method recommended by a survey respondent is to “write about a misunderstood action, [and then] try to analyze it some days later.” Another suggested, “Continue to reflect on a track record [of good work]; know that mistakes are learning opportunities.”

Early in my career, I would react too quickly to unexpected feedback, and on several occasions I said things I later regretted. Here’s an example of how I could have sabotaged myself, but chose not to.

In 2000 I created the website WomenWorking.com as a companion to the television shows I hosted and produced about career women. Before the site was launched, I sent an e-mail to colleagues and friends asking them to preview the site. My team was exhausted—we had spent several intense days working to meet our deadline, and I really didn’t want to hear feedback that would require reworking the site. I wanted people to tell me the site was great and offer to refer their networks to it.

Most people gave great comments and offered to publicize the site. I was given very few suggestions. However, Ellen Griffith, a colleague of mine, listed multiple items that needed addressing. I got her response in the early evening when I was tired and hadn’t had dinner yet. I was about to send her a less than gracious e-mail defending each point (without really addressing her concerns), but I didn’t. Thank God! Instead, I went home, had dinner, and slept on it. In the morning I read the e-mail again and Ellen was right—I saw several things we needed to fix. I wrote back and thanked her for her feedback, and my staff made the appropriate changes. Fifteen years later our website is very successful, and Ellen is part of my inner circle, as I am of hers.

The moral of the story: don’t react, especially when you are hungry and tired! Process the feedback at a time when you can take an honest look at what is being said.

When you are face-to-face with someone and you get an unexpected critique, handling the feedback can be difficult. I have learned to pause and repeat what is being said—this gives me distance from the remark. I acknowledge the person, let her know I need time to digest it, and tell her I’ll get back to her shortly. I then assess what I’ve heard to determine what is true about it and what isn’t. If I feel the need, I talk it out with a trusted friend.

Here is the method Andrea Zintz, career coach and president of Strategic Leadership Resources, uses to deal with harsh advice: “When I receive feedback that is hard to hear, I retreat a little to manage my reaction. Taking a breath is the first step, and then I turn inward and ask myself: ‘Should I take this personally? How can I see this from the other person’s point of view?’ This calms me down. I can then go back and thank that person from a centered place and process what’s useful.”

No matter how high up on the totem pole you are, feedback can be difficult to take. Kim Lubel of CST Brands still finds it a challenge. “When I disappoint someone—that’s hard for me. I can probably count on one hand the number of times that has happened. But when it does, I try to understand why I did what I did and figure out what to do next,” she confided.

One of the people that Kim can count on for honest feedback is Bill Klesse, former CEO of Valero Energy, where Kim used to work. “Bill is judicious with his remarks. When he speaks, it is important to listen,” she said. And now that Kim is at the helm of CST Brands, she checks in with the store employees to hear what’s on their minds. “If I don’t ask for their candid observations, I’m not going to get them.”

Kathy Murphy of Fidelity Personal Investing also touches base with her staff on a regular basis. In addition to giving candid critiques, she asks her direct reports for feedback about herself. Kathy keeps a list of their comments, looking at them periodically to ensure she continues to improve her skills.

When unsolicited, criticism from your team can be the hardest to take—but it can also be the most valuable. Look at how Kathy Waller of Coca-Cola, moved through her defensiveness to really hear what her team needed: “I was talking with my team about a problem we were having. Afterward, one of my direct reports remarked that I didn’t smile once during the meeting. I felt myself getting defensive—it wasn’t a funny situation. But I didn’t react. Later I realized that they needed a sign that we would get through this challenge. I believe now that having a positive outlook when times are challenging is the responsibility of a leader.”

Confidence spark

Try this the next time you receive feedback and find yourself getting defensive. Take a few deep breaths and repeat back what has been said to show that you have understood. Doing this will give you a little distance from reacting in a way you might regret. Later on you can reflect on what fits and what doesn’t. If you need support, get input from a trusted colleague.

Debbie Storey of AT&T developed a thick skin through the years by seeing feedback as a way of expanding her skill set, and also by cultivating a group of trusted advisors that she could bounce the critique off of.

“I remember how devastated I was early on when I was told I was too competitive—I thought someone didn’t like me,” she shared. Her career coach suggested that she talk to other people to get their perceptions. In doing so, she was able to gain some perspective.

“Feedback is not personal; it’s just business,” Debbie advises. If she needs to, she consults with people she respects. “I sit down and ask them what they think. Do they see it that way? Should I work on it or let it go?”

Debbie also encourages her supervisors to talk candidly about areas she needs to develop. She asks for feedback directly if it is not being given. She tells them, “It’s nice to know that there are good things that I’m doing, but that doesn’t help me improve. Please share with me something that will give me an opportunity to grow.”

Think about feedback as your opportunity to grow. Knowing the behaviors that are holding you back from advancing is the first step to making the necessary adjustments. As Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg puts it, “The upside of painful knowledge is so much greater than the downside of blissful ignorance.” She suggests soliciting feedback from colleagues by asking them the following questions: “How can I do better?” “What am I doing that I don’t know?” “What am I not doing that I don’t see?”¹

Confidence spark

A disconnect may exist between how you are perceived and how you think you come across. To gain perspective, ask a colleague what she sees. For example, ask, “With my team, do I come across as passionate and caring?” Listen to what she says, and pause before responding. Be open to asking another question if appropriate.

Take in what’s useful; discard what isn’t

In the end, you are the one who has the final say on what you need to work on and what you should ignore. But determining which is which can become more difficult if you’re in an environment where you don’t trust the people giving you feedback or when the feedback is presented in an unhelpful way.

When you are unclear of the motivation of a person, Charisse Lillie of Comcast advises that you fall back on your intuition: “Maybe you decide, ‘I’m going to take this with a grain of salt.’ But ask yourself too, ‘Is there a nugget of truth here—is there something that I have to work on?’ I ask myself that even if I know the person does not have the best intentions in offering advice.”

Confidence spark

If you suspect that someone is not sincere with the feedback he gives, trust your gut—you are probably right. The best way to deal with him is to be professional. Don’t argue or engage; make a note of anything that rings true, and move on.

Why is it hard to give feedback?

We know that receiving feedback is difficult, but giving it can be just as awkward. A number of reasons exist why people are nervous about offering feedback, especially to women. The litigious environment in this country and the threat of being accused of discrimination or harassment is a major reason. Charisse Lillie gives an example from her own experience: “I’m a labor and employment lawyer. I’ve observed in my practice that some supervisors were afraid to speak with their supervisees candidly. They got nervous, particularly since they were afraid of being accused of sexism or racism by a ‘diverse’ employee. But they were not doing anybody a favor by holding back and not giving clear and honest feedback.”

I have heard that some male managers have a difficult time giving feedback to women because they think we will break down and cry. That’s unfortunate because managers who withhold feedback are doing both themselves and their employees a major disservice. Help them (and yourself) by being open to honest feedback and inviting it when it is not given.

Offering negative feedback can be difficult for both sexes. For women in particular, the notion of playing nice can get in the way of being truthful about what we see and saying what needs to be done for someone to improve. We need to get over this mindset and learn how to provide honest feedback concretely and directly.

Sandra Dewey of Turner Entertainment and Cartoon Network learned the value of being direct during serious conversations when she first started managing people: “I made the classic rookie error—the harder the conversation, the more I tried to soft pedal it. When I had to fire someone, I would start off by saying, ‘You know, you’re great at many things, and, by the way, you’re terrible at others, so I’m letting you go.’ People walked out very confused. They were wondering, ‘What just happened?’

“What I came to realize is it’s more of a gift to say it directly. My mantra is ‘direct and kind.’ So if I have to fire someone, I’ll say, ‘As much as it pains me to tell you this, you’re not right for this job, and we’ve reached that conclusion. I know you will do well at other things. If you want me to be more specific about why we feel this way, I can.’”

Kathy Murphy believes that candor is a sign of respect. If her group is circling around an uncomfortable issue, not being direct and honest, she will insist they be candid with each other and get the issues on the table: “If there’s a concern about an employee, and that individual doesn’t know what he is doing wrong, it won’t be possible for him to work on that behavior and potentially progress in his career,” she shared.

Kathy thinks skirting the issue is just as bad as not giving feedback at all. “You don’t want to create an environment where people think they can only give good news or say, ‘We are all doing great,’ and behind the scenes negative information is disclosed.”

Jill Campbell distinguishes between feedback that might lead to an employee exiting the company or being let go, and feedback on behavior that needs to be tweaked. In the first case, which has more serious consequences, she explains, “People tend to get defensive, or they don’t believe you. That’s when you need to be much more direct.”

Kathy Waller believes that more managers need to be candid. If they aren’t, employees will continue to act in ways that could derail their careers. She gives an example of being direct and to the point with an associate whose job was on the line: “It was a very difficult conversation. I needed to get this person’s attention and I did. I said, ‘Look, we need to talk about your future here and whether you have a future here.’”

While it’s especially important in serious encounters, being direct is a good tactic for lower-stakes, day-to-day interactions as well. Giving a concise example of how someone can improve his performance is also helpful. But most importantly, don’t let problems pile up. A laundry list of what someone is doing wrong is enough to put any person in a closed, unreceptive state.

Table 1 on the next page offers some pointers to help you deliver honest feedback in a direct way.

Table 1. Honest Feedback Pointers

One last point to keep in mind is that not all situations can be improved, no matter how well-founded your comments are. Sometimes women may experience backlash from those unwilling to hear or accept their suggestions or managers who don’t agree with their take on the issue. While you should make a point of giving (and asking for) feedback, trust your intuition to determine whether a situation warrants putting yourself in a precarious position.

Confidence spark

When giving feedback, be calm, clear, and direct. If you’re trying to help someone improve, be specific about what he could do better and give an example. Use positive language—for example, say “Try doing this . . .” not, “Stop doing that . . .” Be compassionate. Think about how he will likely feel.

What would you do?

Power tools

• Practice detachment. Don’t take feedback personally. It’s how we find out what’s in the way of our advancement.

• Use your intuition to distinguish which advice is useful and which is not. If you need help telling the difference, reach out to a trusted colleague.

• Be direct and determine what is important to address when giving feedback. Use an example to illustrate your point.