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Lead with Presence

MYTH

It’s not possible to learn how to be a dynamic leader.

TRUTH

Leadership presence can be cultivated and is available to me.

Leading with presence is all about the signals you send out. It is how you portray yourself—through your words, actions, and appearance—as someone whom others trust and want to follow.

Many men and women buy into the myth that the presence exhibited by prominent leaders is something they were born with. In reality, leading with presence is a skill like any other; it can be cultivated with awareness and dedicated practice. Leading with presence involves being authentic, owning our strengths as well as our weaknesses, and speaking up on issues with integrity and passion.

As you might have imagined, the rules for leading with presence are much more complicated and nuanced for women than for men. As women, we face the double-edged sword of gender stereotypes. The lines between being assertive or being aggressive, taking charge or being overly ambitious, and being nice or being ineffective are so blurred (by both sexes) that hitting the right note can feel impossible. In Executive Presence: The Missing Link between Merit and Success, author and CEO of the Center for Talent Innovation, Sylvia Ann Hewlett, sums up the situation: “If you’re tough, you’re a bitch and no one wants to work for you, but if you’re not tough, you’re not perceived as leadership material and you won’t be given anyone to work for you. It’s a high-wire act that every capable woman has had to perform, and the higher she goes, the more perilous the act.”¹

In this precarious work climate, we women must pick our battles. We need to speak up if we think we can make a difference and it will strengthen our position. But if we think we will be judged poorly for making a point—one that is not high on our agenda—letting someone else pick up the slack might be best. Awareness is key, and we need to apply our best judgment and intuition to each situation.

This chapter offers concrete advice on how to build presence as well as inspiring stories from women leaders who have experienced firsthand the trials and tribulations of being visible and leading the pack. These leaders felt shaky at times, but they continued on. If they had retreated, they would have missed out on opportunities to advance up the career ladder and make a difference. The biggest takeaway from them is that you can act with presence even when you don’t feel 100 percent sure of yourself.

Being poised under pressure

In the middle of a challenging time, feeling anxious is normal. Nonetheless, to instill trust and engage others, you must project strength and decisiveness. Of course, you need to be authentic as well, which is where acting like you have everything under control when you don’t feel like you do can get tricky. What helps you rise above, says Kim Lubel, CEO of CST Brands, is realizing that you are no different from any other leader. “Everyone is a little uncertain as well,” she explained.

During a crisis, women leaders are often tasked with showing empathy as well as demonstrating competence. According to Sylvia Hewlett, “For women in particular, winning more latitude in the public’s eye depends on showcasing activities that demonstrate you care about the disenfranchised.”²

Take Jill Campbell of Cox Communications: A few years ago, she had to consolidate some of Cox’s units as the company underwent some changes. “It was hard for our leaders to get through this time,” she told me.

Jill led the initiative with the intention of treating everyone with dignity and integrity. She tried to consider how the people who lost their jobs would feel as well as how the “survivors” would respond. The controlled yet empathetic manner in which she handled the layoffs earned her the respect of not only the affected employees but also the department heads under her. Following her lead gave them a compassionate yet effective way to deal with a stressful and difficult situation.

Leadership presence involves humility. As Andrea Zintz, career coach and president of Strategic Leadership Resources, clarifies, humility is not about diminishing your stature but rather involves benevolence, consideration, generosity, and graciousness. By keeping humility in mind, you rise above the challenges to build trust.

Deborah DeHaas, chief inclusion officer for Deloitte, has created “Lessons in Leadership: My Rules to Live By,” which help her remain poised under pressure while acting with humility. They were inspired by her mother, who was a strong role model. Deb wrote the rules early in her career as core values to guide her through good and bad times. They help her maintain her composure during the challenges she faces in her leadership roles at Deloitte. The rules were also tested when her previous employer scaled back its operations and later closed its doors in the early 2000s. Deb told me that during this dark time she woke up several mornings at three a.m. wondering what the day would bring. Guided by these core beliefs, she was able to lead with compassion.³

Deb generously shares her rules below.

Lessons in Leadership: My Rules to Live By^©

• Be true to yourself

• Do the right thing

• Remember that actions speak louder than words

• Put first things first

• Just do it

• Don’t forget that there’s no I in team

• Never underestimate the power of mentors, networks, and sponsors

• Embrace lifelong learning

• Follow the Golden Rule

• Leave a legacy

Confidence spark

To keep poised in the face of a challenge, give yourself time to explore your reaction to the situation and what choices you have moving forward. If you are not in touch with your feelings about what is happening, you are less likely to act in your best interest or in the best interests of the others involved. Take a moment to pinpoint your emotions, thoughts, and beliefs about the crisis. Then make a list of strategic actions you can take and the results you think they may yield—including how the people affected might respond.

Reading the room

Leading with presence necessitates self-awareness—the ability to own all of yourself and project your strengths in an authentic way. It is also about being keenly aware of the people around you and how they are feeling.

Understanding the mood of your audience, whether you are talking to a few people in your office or a group of over one hundred in an auditorium, is crucial. To command the room you must first read the room, as Sylvia Hewlett writes, which includes, “sensing the mood, absorbing the cultural cues, and adjusting your language, content, and presentation style accordingly.”⁴

Jill Campbell’s experiences growing up helped her respect diversity and learn to listen closely, skills she has used throughout her career. Her dad was a psychologist and a professor; his specialty was alcoholism and drug abuse. Her mom was a real estate agent and very independent. Over Christmas and Thanksgiving, lots of different people were in their home, including graduate students and recovering alcoholics. “I learned that you need to spend time with folks and hear their stories to know about them,” she told me. Those of us who did not have the exposure Jill had can develop our people skills and emotional intelligence through training and observation.

The most charismatic leaders don’t seem to be as concerned with the material they’re presenting as they are with getting to know their audiences. Jill, for one, wows her listeners because she’s focused on them—what they want and need to know. I was at a talk she gave to Women in Cable Telecommunications, and seeing her in action was a pleasure—her authenticity gives her grace and power!

“I’m not going to give the same speech to a group of women in cable, as I would to a group of male executives,” Jill explained, adding that time of day enters into it as well. “If it’s right before lunch and you see people flipping through your presentation in their meeting materials, you’re not going to cover all of it point by point.

“You have to adjust to what they are feeling and what’s happening in the room. Are they rolling their eyes? It drives me crazy when a speaker doesn’t look at body language and sticks to a canned speech, not aware of what’s going on around them.”

Kathy Murphy, president of Fidelity Personal Investing, gave this example of how she carefully read the room at a difficult juncture earlier in her career. Her business had just been acquired by ING, a multinational Dutch firm of 150,000 people worldwide. ING’s top two hundred leaders were getting together as they do each year, and Kathy was one of only seven women in the leadership group. Not only did she have to deal with being in the minority, she was also learning the international rules of the road. Oh—and she was seven months pregnant.

“One of my guideposts is that it’s often a mistake to try too hard too early,” Kathy shared. “So I sit back for a time, learn about the culture and what value I can provide, and watch things develop. I think that served me well with Europeans because I’m not perceived as self-promoting or too aggressive (the ugly American). People play into that stereotype because they try to impress too quickly.”

Kathy was promoted several times because she was able to read what was important to the board and deliver on it. She realized that ING’s board was no different than an American board—the members wanted to see results. And so she focused on producing measurable results.

Speaking with presence

Being able to read the room sets the stage for speaking with presence. Public speaking can be challenging—for many of us it is one of our greatest fears. But the only way to lessen the fear is to get out and speak. And the more you do, the better you’ll get.

Your ability to read and command a room can be learned. And the best way to learn is to practice. Kim Lubel is a prime example: “I used to be terrified of speaking in front of a large group. Several years ago at Valero Energy, I was given an assignment that involved the philanthropic side of the business. This project entailed giving speeches to different groups—it was my first exposure to being groomed for leadership. I actually reached out to a coach for help, which made a huge difference.

“I’d write my remarks down—then rewrite them—and would put my notes in front of me when it was time to speak. With practice, I learned that I really didn’t have to use them. I try to look at the audience and see how they’re reacting, and if I need to redirect my remarks, I do. Nowadays that drives my speech writers crazy.”

For Jackie Hernández of Telemundo, envisioning a positive outcome has helped her speak with presence. For her first staff meeting at her former position as publisher of People en Español, Jackie envisioned herself passionately speaking to the group. An image of a successful meeting primed her to make it happen.

I am a powerful and passionate keynote speaker, but I wasn’t always—I learned by experience and also with the help of a coach, making many mistakes along the way.

Over a decade ago, I delivered a speech at a conference— and I bombed spectacularly. I was speaking at the evening session, right after dinner, and people wanted something light and anecdotal. Instead I gave them a PowerPoint presentation. I totally lost the audience and I felt bad about it. I felt like I had truly let down the person who brought me in to speak.

This experience drove me to get a coach and really hone my speaking skills. I realized how important it was to be authentic, to not show PowerPoint slides when people are expecting something different but instead to tell stories— personal stories, some of which I had told only to my best friends. And if I shared a weakness to get my point across, which I was afraid to do for a very long time, the audience connected with me even more. If someone like me, with my flaws, could be successful, so could they. My story inspired them.

Lee Glickstein, founder of Speaking Circles International, is the transformational speaking coach who worked with me. He underscored the importance of listening to your audience before, during, and after you speak in order to create nonverbal connections. I learned from him that the spark between audience and speaker is ignited as you give the audience your full attention. He also advised me that it’s okay to feel your fear but remember that most people want you to succeed.

Nowadays I speak at a lot of events, and I try to find out as much as possible about my audience beforehand. I always get to the venue an hour early so I can greet people as they come into the room. I don’t have to connect with everyone verbally, but I can acknowledge them with a glance. My intuition is at play and I trust its guidance. When I am actually on stage, I take a few deep breaths before I begin to speak, and I listen to the sounds in the room—this gets me focused and really present with my audience.

I once spoke with a group of about two hundred women whose company was being reorganized. Thousands of people were going to be laid off. I could feel the tension in the room and the stress these employees were facing. I adjusted my opening remarks accordingly and shared a time when I went through something similar. I acknowledged the discomfort of change and let them know that the decisions I made at the time actually catapulted my career. I shared with them how I took a transitional job, developed new skills, and ultimately left the company to open my own business. They really connected with me.

Confidence spark

If public speaking is a great fear of yours, try practicing first with a few people you are comfortable with, people who you know will be an encouraging audience. Allow for nervousness, but focus on your listeners and their supportive presence. Take a few deep breaths and share something personal that’s meaningful for you. Authenticity and vulnerability help create a connection with your audience. A few sessions with a coach might be helpful if you feel the need.

Practicing artful listening

Are you a good listener? When someone is talking, do you really hear what is being said? Or are you just wanting to respond? When someone is withholding, do you make an effort to bring him out? Or are you thinking about your own agenda and filtering his remarks accordingly? I know I’m guilty of not really listening well at times. If I have a personal agenda, it colors the way I hear what people are saying.

A strong leader knows that you don’t learn anything if you do all the talking. Jill Campbell’s father’s favorite saying was, “God gave you one mouth and two ears. There’s a reason for that.” Executive coach Alan Allard told me, “Listening shows respect, even if you don’t agree with what the person is saying.”

Listening is an area where the gender stereotype works in our favor. According to Jill, “Women are so much better at listening. I see it in the boardroom; men just keep talking over each other—they enjoy hearing themselves speak.”

Sandra Dewey of Turner Entertainment and Cartoon Network is very serious about the key role listening has played in her success. “It didn’t come about because I am so brilliant. If I didn’t listen to people and take their expertise seriously, I would not have been able to make the best decisions.”

To communicate effectively and make the best decisions, you need to know what people are thinking about. Make it a practice to ask them. When Kim Lubel became CEO of CST Brands, she did roundtable after roundtable with her employees, taking copious notes about what they thought was needed. “I reread and organized them into issues to pursue. Now we’re executing some of those items.”

Artful listening goes beyond hearing the words a person is saying. It is about picking up on other cues, such as tone of voice and demeanor. In addition, it’s about tuning in to who is not speaking and what is not being said.

Debbie Storey of AT&T makes it a point to solicit comments from those who are not forthcoming. She told me, “It’s not always the vocal people at the table you need to worry about. In many cases, it’s the people who aren’t saying anything—or are being uncharacteristically silent. You need to hear from the quiet dissenters as well.

“It’s easy for the better choice to be overlooked by letting the vocal folks lead the way and not hear from people who sit back. You have to get them talking to bring out every perspective. That’s how you get a better solution. And you’ve gotten them on board when the time comes to move forward.”

Similarly, Kathy Waller of Coca-Cola makes it her responsibility to decipher what her team members are not saying. Artful listening is important to her leadership: “I have a great team and they work really hard, putting in lots of hours, particularly during quarter closes, year-end closes, and special projects. I have to pay attention to the toll it takes on them. I guarantee you, if I go and say, ‘How are you doing?’ they will say, ‘Fine.’ I know better. I know when they are not fine.”

Confidence spark

One of the best ways to listen to someone is to tune in to the sound of his voice. He may be saying one thing but meaning something else. Focus on the quality of his tone—does he sound stressed or confident? What do you know about him that can help you figure out what he is really saying? If thoughts come up that distract you, just keep focusing on his voice to heighten your awareness of his real motivation and mental state.

A colleague shared a story with me about how she took artful listening a step further. By focusing on her two managers’ distinct styles and language when they spoke to her, she learned how to communicate more effectively with each of them.

Originally she had been dealing with a manager whose style was straightforward. He liked information delivered succinctly and appreciated bottom-line results, so that’s what she gave him. When he moved on to a different job, a new manager came in who had a totally different style.

At first she spoke in the same way to the new manager, but she quickly realized that he wasn’t responding well. She observed his interactions with other people and noticed that he enjoyed hearing stories. She also paid close attention to his language and the words and phrases he often used. The next time she presented to him she started with an anecdote and incorporated some of his lingo into her pitch. This immediately caught his attention and got his buy-in.

Confidence spark

Try this with someone you don’t know well who is in a position of authority: The next time you have a meeting with her, pay close attention to how she expresses herself. How does she start the meeting—does she get right into it or does she prefer sharing personal information first? Does she seem relaxed or formal? What words and expressions does she commonly use? When you need to get an important point across, try using the same language and a similar style of speaking and notice how she responds.

Be attentive to the words, style, and expressions that people are using. Use common language to build a bridge with a person to establish greater rapport and understanding. Being a strong leader means inspiring those around you. A person who identifies with the language used is more likely to identify with your message. You may already be familiar with a training program that explores the differences in communication styles (there are quite a few), but if not, you may want to check one out.

Dressing the part

Being at the helm means you are always on stage, and that means you always have to look the part of a leader. This is especially true for women. “You may think you’re like everybody else, but you’re not. Women are held to a higher standard about how they look,” Jill Campbell warned.

A woman Jill coached was showing up for work dressed like the Woody Allen character Annie Hall—very bohemian. Because of her appearance, she was being discounted by her colleagues and superiors. When Jill pointed out what was happening to her, this woman began to dress differently. Sure enough, both men and women changed their perspectives about her ability to lead.

Research from the Center for Talent Innovation backs up Jill’s story. Reflecting on the data, Sylvia Hewlett remarks, “Our survey respondents generated a list of appearance blunders for women that’s literally twice as long as the list they generated for men. It would appear that women are judged, and found wanting, on many more visual attributes than men. . . . In addition to the length of the list, women tend to be judged more harshly than men.”⁵

Charisse Lillie, vice president of community investment of Comcast Corporation and president of the Comcast Foundation, recommends dressing up rather than dressing down. For her, it’s about conveying the image of where you want to be, not where you are. “At Comcast, if you’re a leader with credibility, you’re not going to come to work in khakis or jeans,” Charisse explains.

At the same time, Debbie Storey thinks it’s important not to subjugate your individuality: “I always dressed professionally, but it didn’t stop me from being a little quirky and on the edge.”

Navigating the territory can be tricky, but dressing the part can also give you a boost—that’s what Kathy Waller found during an important meeting. When she was promoted to chief of internal audit, Kathy was invited to a meeting with the top 150 leaders at the company. Not only was this the first time she participated in this meeting, it was her first meeting with company leaders and the new chairman.

“I always try to avoid overthinking things and focus on being authentic. But this meeting was special, and I wanted to get it right. So, as I normally do, I talked with my sister Audrey about it. Obviously she couldn’t tell me what to expect at the meeting—I sought the advice of others for that—but her suggestion was great: ‘Figure out how to feel good about yourself while you’re there, and make sure what you wear is appropriate to the setting.’ In preparation, everything I owned was pretty much on my bed. My color is red, so I wore red.”

Wearing red gives Kathy a lift, so she wears the color whenever she needs to sharpen her game. It gives her a confidence boost.

Confidence spark

Think of yourself in a job two levels higher than the one you have now. Imagine what you’d be doing. What do you look like—how are you dressed? Do you seem poised and in command? Reflect on some of the women leaders who are actually at that level now. How do they carry themselves? How do they dress? In preparing for what you will wear to work tomorrow, keep these images in mind. Pick your clothes accordingly. Also, practice carrying yourself as a leader—shoulders relaxed and back with your head held high as you walk.

What would you do?

Challenge	Hold yourself back	Lead with presence
You need to share some bad news with your team.	You tell them what’s going on in a low tone and make little eye contact.	You are direct and to the point. Your tone is firm but empathetic and you occasionally offer a smile.
A conflict between people you supervise has come to your attention. It’s been going on for days.	These are two adults. Letting them deal with it themselves is better than your getting caught in the crossfire.	You get both parties together and hear both sides. You acknowledge where each is coming from and find a compromise.
You have been asked to step in for your boss, who is out ill, and give a speech to shareholders this evening. You have never done anything like that before.	You doubt that you will be able to do a good job because you’re not a public speaker. You try to get someone to cover for you.	You get on the phone and set up a coaching session. You go over the speech a few times with your coach. You feel a bit nervous but know you can deliver.

Power tools

• Be people sensitive. Know your audience (whether one or many) and understand how you need to communicate in order to bring about change.

• Learn to artfully listen. Go beyond the words people are saying to know what they are really feeling.

• Observe powerful women and note the way they dress. What makes them look like leaders? Can you see yourself dressing in a similar way? If not, how would you dress differently?

• Become more self-aware. When you have to handle a stressful situation, own how you feel before you take action. When you are being authentic, you’ll more easily be able to maintain your poise.