10

Manage Situations That Increase Family Stress

At different times in our lives, circumstances conspire to put more stress on us and our families. During these times, our coping mechanisms, and consequently our parenting skills, may need a boost—or a break. It’s only natural: The human mind and body can take only so much stress before maximum capacity is reached, at which point we start to shut down or collapse.

Let’s return to the metaphor with which we opened the book—that of a garden, where you’ve tilled the soil, planted the seeds, added fertilizer, and watered regularly. But now, just when you think your garden is taking shape, bam! Along comes a big storm that damages or, in some cases, devastates it. When you come up for air, you look around and see that your carefully planted rows are in disarray; plants have been pulled up completely, their roots exposed; and other plants have been crushed by the wind and rain.

When a serious situation rolls in like a storm hitting a garden, your family may feel similarly. A separation or divorce, the necessity for long-distance parenting, a grave illness or death, or even a financial issue like a home foreclosure can make you and your family feel as if you’ve been caught up in a tornado. In the aftermath, severe stress can occur. To children, even life events like a move or a new baby can make them feel as if their world has been turned upside down. A divorce can make a child feel as if his roots have been forcefully pulled out of the ground. An illness may crush your child’s spirit. Feelings such as these can befall any family member, regardless of age, during and after a calamity.

In this chapter, we take you through a number of these kinds of situations that increase your family’s stress and offer some tips on ways you can help either ease the burden from your children’s shoulders or maintain some semblance of normalcy that allows them to feel secure while dealing with it. This chapter also underscores the need for you to take care of yourself; it may seem selfish, but it’s really an investment in your child. To begin, you need to know what stress can look like and the behaviors you might see in your child that would indicate he or she is having trouble handling a situation.

Recognize the Symptoms of Stress

In a sense, stress is a state of mind for children and adults alike because it stems from an individual’s unique perspective. Two people experiencing the same situation may cope differently; one may feel intense mental or emotional tension while the other experiences a slight bump in the road.

The very fact that a situation is unfamiliar or new, even if it’s positive, can create anxiety and stress in your child. Sometimes this stems from an uncertainty as to what’s going to happen. The reasons for your child’s anxiety may feel irrational to you, but only when you find out what’s going through her mind can you help her cope with the situation more capably.

If you’ve ever had an outgoing child who was suddenly reluctant to participate in a birthday party, you may have seen this firsthand. Typically, your child might have run straight over to check out the presents and the cake, but that time he hung at the door, holding onto your leg in a manner you thought had disappeared when he was younger. Perhaps the group was larger than usual, or the home at which the party took place was unfamiliar to him, so while you may have been surprised at his reaction, it was easier to figure out what was worrying him.

You may have experienced a more serious situation if you’ve ever gone through a divorce. Perhaps your daughter began to worry about whether Daddy would be going away forever because her best friend never saw her dad after her parents’ divorce. It might have seemed illogical, because you had a schedule of visitation and co-parenting all worked out and had even explained it to her, but until she truly understood how it would work for your family, she was going to be really stressed.

Recognizing the symptoms of stress and then identifying the stressor is extremely important. Remember that children often express emotion through their behavior. A change in behavior is most often a key indicator of stress, and it should cause you to examine what’s going on with your child to create this change.

A change in behavior is most often a key indicator of stress.

If you notice changes in your child’s typical behavior patterns along the lines of the following common symptoms, he or she may be experiencing stress. Any of these symptoms can occur during any type of stressful situation; there’s not necessarily any rhyme or reason as to how children physically react to a stressor:

• Recurring physical discomfort, such as a tummy-ache on a school morning or a body-ache every day before practice, without presence of a health reason
• Avoidance behaviors, like saying they don’t want to participate in something that they used to do frequently
• Emotional changes, such as an outgoing kid withdrawing, a normally happy child seeming sad all the time, or a mild-mannered child becoming irritable or developing an explosive temper
• School performance changes, such as plummeting grades or acting out in class
• Increased fears or anxiety
• Sleep changes, either trouble sleeping or sleeping much more than usual

It’s critical to remain vigilant to unfolding and developing stresses. If your family is going, or has recently gone, through something that you know is difficult, such as any of the situations we present later in this chapter, these behaviors should be a red flag for you.

Your children may seem to have got over it in the short term, but for the big stressors it’s not unusual for there to be residual effects and stress that reemerges. For some kids, that can occur over weeks, months, or even years. Sometimes, it may come back up at various developmental stages later in life, and the stress is reexperienced. Continuing to be open to questions and really listening to your children when they share their thoughts is imperative. Stressful situations are not a one-time conversation. And sometimes, there’s one simple detail about a stressor that is affecting your child more than you might have thought and it’s only when you listen to her concerns that you realize what that is.

In addition to caring attentively for your child during a troubled period, it’s also important to be cognizant of the feelings you’re experiencing. You—and any adult parenting your child—need to take care of yourself on a regular basis. When a stressful situation occurs, this is especially crucial. While it may seem selfish to focus on your own needs, this can make you more resistant to the negative effects of chronic stress. It’s really an investment in your child, because taking care of yourself will make you a more effective parent. This includes making sure you are eating properly, exercising regularly, getting plenty of rest, taking some time for yourself, and having an emotional outlet.

Taking care of yourself will make you a more effective parent.

If you’re feeling emotionally overwhelmed, we urge you to seek out support. This becomes critically necessary if you’re involved in the situation that is stressful, such as becoming ill or going through a divorce. During these times, you’ll have your hands full with your own stress and reactions to the situation, and it’s a monumental task to be a healthy parent as well. If you don’t have a trusted friend or family member in whom you can confide, reach out to a religious leader or a support group where you can express your feelings. Additionally, you may decide to find professional help, and you can read more about that in Chapter 11.

Maintain Normalcy

During times of difficulty, even small routines can give comfort to your family. Maintaining normalcy means trying to stay as close as you can to your established routines, rules, and limits despite a change in circumstances. If your family is displaced from its normal quarters at home or at school, then adapting your routines to the situation is necessary, and sticking to an adjusted schedule is helpful. Kids thrive on predictability because it gives them something to count on, so even in circumstances that blow life as they know it out of the water, having some semblance of the old routine gives them a familiar foothold as they navigate this new territory.

Within reason, your children need to know that keeping up with schoolwork is still important, that your expectations for behavior are still in place, and that if they cross your lines they will still be held responsible and negative consequences may result. While being sensitive to their hardship and flexible in your reactions, maintaining healthy and appropriate limits communicates to your children that life will go on despite the changes your family is undergoing at that moment.

During this difficult time, it’s particularly wise to avoid the urge to overindulge your children. Whether due to guilt, pity, or shame, some parents let all routines and requirements for their children fall away. It may be tempting, because none of us likes to see our children suffer, and alleviating anything that we can control that causes pain or hardship may seem like the right thing to do. But this approach communicates only messages of fragility, incompetence, or doubt about their ability to get through this difficult situation. While kids may outwardly enjoy not having limits or rules, they’ll pick up on these unconscious messages we send and internalize them.

Communicate messages of resilience, because you’re parenting for the long run.

You want to parent your children with the expectation that both they and you will come out of your current situation just fine—you’ll all make it through together. You want to communicate messages of resilience, because you’re not just parenting for this situation but for the long run. You will all come out of this and learn important lessons that will serve you well.

Let’s take a closer look at some specific stressful situations.

Separation or Divorce

As difficult as separation or divorce is on parents, it can be even more difficult for children. A breakup is extremely stressful for all involved and there’s no getting around that. However, you can set the stage for your children’s longer term adjustment to this life event. Here are some tips for telling your children about a separation or divorce:

• Choose a public part of the home—not in their bedroom, which is often their safest place.
• Tell your children at the same time to maintain a sense of unity.
• Build in some time for them to prepare for the separation, but not so much that they can stew over it or start to think it won’t happen.
• Try hard to keep your own emotions in check, even though this is easier said than done.
• Be direct and honest; don’t hem-and-haw, trying to find a way to break it to them gently.
• Explain that it’s not their fault. If they’ve recently been in trouble, you may need to call that out and make sure they don’t connect the two events.
• Understand that even older children can be scared and blame themselves.
• Reassure your children that both parents will continue to love them.
• Answer any and all questions, even those that may seem to be inconsequential.

As difficult as breaking the news can be, managing your children’s behavior during and after a separation or divorce can be extremely challenging. Of utmost importance is remaining on civil terms with your ex-spouse, because ongoing parental conflict following a divorce is one of the strongest predictors of negative outcomes for kids. This is emblematic of the Universal Strategy of role-modeling good behavior to your child.

From your child’s perspective, he now has to navigate your two separate lives and deal with new and uncomfortable circumstances. For example, if your child is expected to live primarily with and love Mom, but see Dad on weekends and love him as well, if each of you says horrible things about the other, your child is then caught in the middle of an impossible situation. That child is liable to be left feeling vulnerable and unstable in both homes, and this will affect his behavior, his emotions, his grades—everything.

Keep the limits and rules at each home as similar as possible, though they don’t need to be exactly the same. Kids can get used to different rules at different places as long as they are consistent in each. Use the Universal Strategies of giving good directions and enforcing limits and rules at your own home and, if needed, use coaching to help your children adjust to the rules when they are with their other parent.

Further, don’t take actions that undermine the other parent. If the other parent is actively undermining you, and you don’t have a civil relationship where you can compromise, then just focus on your own home’s stability and rules. Resist the urge to retaliate or complain to your children about the situation. You can be a good role model for behavior regardless of whether your ex-spouse is doing so.

It’s important not to share with your children how distressed, frustrated, or depressed you are about the situation. These are feelings that you must deal with using your own support system. You can’t expect your children to handle that burden. Don’t grill your children about your ex-spouse and his or her activities, either.

Children need both parents in their lives whenever possible.

Children need both parents in their lives whenever possible. It’s important that your kids have regular contact with you both and that each of you faithfully be there when scheduled. Also, give your children privacy and space to freely interact with their other parent without feeling like you’re monitoring them.

All of these tips for breaking the news of a separation or divorce, remaining on at least civil terms with your ex, and keeping rules and limits intact will help you avoid some behavioral problems. Unfortunately, it’s usually not possible to completely escape negative reactions to the breakup of the family. For this reason, redouble your efforts at the Universal Strategy of cultivating a positive relationship with your child, which will underscore the security and solid foundation of this changed family unit.

Even though divorce can be difficult, children can make it through resiliently and can even thrive in homes where each parent is happier and potentially more fulfilled in their own personal life. If your family life has already become acrimonious, it’s not too late to take steps to turn that around. It will take time, but it can be accomplished. An amicable relationship between divorced parties is best for all involved, but if that cannot be managed, civility and avoidance of conflict between the adults will foster the best outcomes for the children.

Long-Distance Parenting

Divorce or separation is not the only instance in which a parent may be far from his or her children. Other situations can include military deployment or frequent or extended business trips. Regardless of the circumstances, when one parent is away for a long period, the child and the entire family can feel a great deal of stress. Long-distance parenting is not an easy task and requires focus, energy, and a commitment to maintain an active role in your child’s upbringing. In short, you have to work much harder on the Universal Strategy of cultivating a positive relationship. Here are some ways to do that:

• Maintain regular and predictable contact with your child. Be faithful to your promises for calls and visits in order to be a source of predictability and security.
• Keep up with day-to-day details of your child’s life, such as homework assignments, grades, and extracurricular activities, and know teachers’ and friends’ names.
• Find a shared activity to facilitate bonding, despite the distance. This can include interest in a sport, hobby, or favorite TV show.
• Use technology such as online video chats and playing online games together, or simply email or text, to help your child feel grounded, knowing you’re easily accessible.

If your children start to show symptoms of stress during a period in which you are parenting long distance, you may need to be innovative with online versions of the Universal Strategies of coaching or practice sessions. Start a video diary of your day to show your children what you do when you’re not with them. Let them know you’re thinking of them constantly; you might even try turning the tables and ask for their ideas to help you get through the day without them.

If you’re the parent left at home, you may choose to reevaluate what types of behaviors you choose to ignore. While you can’t ignore everything, consider giving the kids a bit of a break on behaviors that may be annoying to you but can be prioritized low in the scheme of things. Use the Universal Strategies of praise and positive reinforcement more often. As stated earlier, don’t forgo negative consequences or punishments for behaviors out of guilt or pity; stay consistent and your children will be able to get back on track faster.

Illness

Whether the illness you’re dealing with is of a parent or a child in the family, this type of situation is extraordinarily stressful and delicate to address. In this book, we cannot begin to encompass all the potential aspects of such a situation. However, we do want to share some important advice for maintaining your child’s emotional health and good behavior during this time.

First and foremost, maintenance of normalcy, as discussed earlier in the chapter, is absolutely crucial in the face of a serious illness. It is also extraordinarily difficult. Choose a few areas where you believe you can keep things the way they were before the onset of the illness. Perhaps it’s only dinnertime. If your family always ate dinner together at 6 p.m., then make every attempt to maintain your routine, even if you have to eat off hospital trays and delay your meal until the completion of nurse’s rounds. Children’s hospitals typically understand the importance of these kinds of routines and have special amenities that families can utilize. If you’re in an adult hospital, speaking to the nurse or physician about your child’s needs can garner you an ally.

Overprotecting your children sends a message that they can’t handle whatever they are facing.

Additionally, try to refrain from overprotecting your children. You’ll need to find that delicate, age-appropriate balance between the harsh reality of the situation and what they can or should know. Overprotecting your children sends a message that they can’t handle whatever they are facing. Kids can sense when something is going on, and if they don’t get answers from you, they’ll fill in the gaps in their knowledge with ideas that can be worse than the reality. While you may be deeply concerned about their ability to handle a serious health problem—either their own health issue, or that of a sibling, or even in yourself or your spouse—you must answer their questions and convey you’re confident they can handle it.

If one child is ill, it can be extremely confusing and difficult for his sibling as well. Once you’re back home and the initial emergency has hopefully turned to recovery, you’ll want to get back to normalcy as much as possible. When you have to relax standards for an ill child, it’s not unusual for sibling rivalry, and even jealousy, to creep in. If the situation allows, stick to the previous way you’d implemented the Universal Strategy of enforcing limits and rules. Keep to your family’s chore schedule, amended as necessary, and supplement any changes with help from the giving good directions Universal Strategy. One child may have fewer or less difficult chores to complete, but chores should still be assigned to all, according to their capability: “Yes, Kendall has a different chore, but everyone takes a part in making our family work, and all of these chores are important.” Or, “Jamal may not be able to go outside and play right now, but that doesn’t mean the TV is going to stay on all the time; let’s pick out some new books today.”

Maintaining normalcy also means continuing the fun stuff: outings as possible, jokes, favorite foods, and even planned vacations if you can manage it. If you’re concerned about the safety or health aspects of any of these kinds of things, discuss them with your doctor or nurse, and ask for assistance in amending them appropriately so that they can still be enjoyed by your family without any health setbacks.

It can be extremely gratifying to both children and adults to take part in advocacy activities that further their understanding of the situation. If a family member is in the hospital due to a car accident, learning about traffic safety and taking part in helping prevent other tragedies can be therapeutic for all of you. Similarly, if one of you is facing a disease or other kind of health issue, taking part in a walk or fundraiser can give you a sense of making a difference on behalf of your family. Sometimes, just being able to do something, anything, can positively affect your mindset by giving a sense of purpose and a feeling of empowerment. Often, participation in these kinds of events will also introduce you to other families in similar situations as well as support groups that are available to help.

Particularly in the event of a serious or terminal illness of a parent or child, we recommend that your family seek professional help. You can read more about this in the next chapter, but a professional who has experience in these types of circumstances can provide guidance and advice specific to helping each member of your family cope.

Financial Problems

Financial burdens or uncertainty can place a great deal of strain on a family. Kids pick up on cues from their parents, so the emotions you have (either overtly or covertly) are the ones that they possibly have. This is likely a situation for which they have zero context, and it’s very common to see stress manifest in the types of behavioral changes we outlined at the beginning of this chapter: recurring stomachaches, withdrawal or aggression, avoidance, or sleep problems.

Look often for opportunities to praise and reinforce the good things they do.

You may need to double-down on the Universal Strategies of giving good directions and enforcing limits and rules. Pair both of those with specific praise and reinforcement for any positive behaviors you can find. Make sure you look often for opportunities to praise and reinforce the good things they do.

Remember especially the Universal Strategy of being a role model for your children, showing them how to handle life’s stresses. It’s important to speak with a calm voice and demeanor, letting your children know what you’re going through to the extent that they need to know and can understand. Here are some tips for coping with life changes due to financial hardship:

• Reassure your kids that you’re taking care of them and taking charge of the situation.
• Explain what any changes in standard of living will mean as it relates to their lives.
• Alleviate misinterpretations that can lead to stress by answering their questions truthfully and age appropriately.
• Some changes, such as moving, may be unavoidable, but try to keep other major life changes to a minimum during this time.
• Hold a family discussion to address finances. Allow your children to share their ideas of where to cut back on family spending.
• Spend family time together doing low-cost or no-cost activities. Visit parks, go bike riding, play board games at home, and so on. Staying active helps keep excessive worry and feelings of depression at bay.
• Talk about the silver linings and help your family see the opportunities of change, such as perhaps pursuing a new job or living in a different part of town or the country. At the same time, keep the role of money in perspective.

Moving to a New Home or School

While the reasons for moving your family to a new home can be either happy or sad, the ramifications for a child are often similar: new school, new neighborhood, and (seemingly) no friends. The most important action you can take as a parent is to recognize that this transition can be tough and give your child as many coping skills as possible. Some kids adapt without a problem; other kids take months to adapt. Some of that is temperament, some of it is the age, and some of it is the situation.

Here are tips for helping your children deal with a move and for potentially avoiding many problem behaviors:

• Prepare them as far in advance as you can.
• Build their self-esteem by letting them make some decisions about the move: which items they will take and which they will donate, what color to paint their new room, and so on.
• Provide opportunities for open communication. Ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered with just a yes or no, such as, “What do you think about that?” and “How does that make you feel?”
• Use role-modeling to show them how to adapt, but also let your children know that you’re a little nervous about the move, too. After all, you’ll have to start out in an unfamiliar place and make new friends.
• Put them in charge of the GPS/map and have them teach you how to navigate through town. Allow them to seek out their favorite chain restaurant or involve them in the quest to find the best ice-cream shop in the new town. This reframes a stressful situation into one that’s fun and exciting.

In the situation of moving, consider creating a new normal.

Many of the same Universal Strategies suggestions for other life changes—maintaining normalcy and a routine—apply here, as well, but in the situation of moving to an entirely new place you may want to consider creating a new normal. Perhaps some of your routines or rules are a bit outdated, but you stuck with them simply because they were routine.

This could be a perfect time to update these choices or even advance them because your children are a little older. If you do decide to update, make sure you use the strategies of giving good directions and coaching and perhaps even practice sessions with the new rules so that this new normal is as successful as possible from the start.

This is also an opportunity to break out of a shell by starting a new tradition or activity. Try to budget some extra time and funds to allow your kids the luxury of something special or trying more extracurricular events than they might usually (without overscheduling yourselves, of course).

Some children, especially those who may be introverted or extremely set in their ways, may continue to have a hard time adjusting to life in a new location. Watch for signs that the stress of the move is not abating, specifically symptoms like withdrawal, irritability, aggression, excessive sensitivity, changes in eating habits, changes in school performance, and general changes in behavior that persist. If your child exhibits these behaviors and he continues after the rest of the family has transitioned to this new normal, then it may be worthwhile to talk with a professional. A list of the types of professionals available is in Chapter 11.

New Baby

Toddlers are famous for thinking that the new baby is an interloper, an invader into their territory, but it’s not uncommon for older children to react this way as well. For these children, the baby throws a wrench into things and makes the circumstances of their life and place in the family very different. Even though you and your spouse may be overjoyed at your new addition, try to remember a time when you were thrown off by change and then keep that experience in your mind when dealing with your child.

In addition to maintaining as much normalcy as you can, pay special attention to making sure your older child’s emotional needs are met. Use the Universal Strategy of cultivating a positive relationship with your older child by making sure there’s a balance of individual time with parents and family time. Safeguard the extracurricular activities she enjoys, even if it’s hard for you to handle them with a newborn. Utilize your support network of family and friends to make this happen. When your child feels secure in your love, a certain amount of sibling rivalry or deep-rooted jealousy can be prevented.

Allow your child to vent and listen carefully to her frustrations.

Acknowledging and validating your older child’s sometimes ambivalent feelings and being ready to discuss her frustrations can make all the difference in her attitude. Instead of saying, “You should love your baby brother. How can you say such mean things?” allow your child to vent and listen carefully to her frustrations. Sometimes, the simple act of being heard has a healing effect. “Yeah, babies are loud and smelly; they are a lot of hard work.”

This also lets you hear the root of her feelings, part of which may stem from not having her own emotional needs met. When you understand her feelings, you’ll then know the specific steps to take to make her feel more secure. Continuing to follow up with validation will help: “You’re already a fantastic big sister, the baby smiles at you more than at anyone in the family.”

It can smooth the transition for an older sibling to participate in the baby’s care in a supervised manner. This offers many opportunities for the positive reinforcement of his role as the older one.” Give very good directions and coach your older child through this, making sure to use plenty of praise. This can be an incredibly empowering experience for your child.

But be careful in making your older children responsible for the baby, even if they are physically able to hold or change diapers. If they aren’t comfortable or interested in doing this, you may create some resentment, which can build up. Instead, talk about how older kids can do so many things that the baby won’t be able to do for a long time, and then brainstorm together about all the awesome things they will be able to teach the baby in the next few years.

• • •

When the stress of a change in life’s circumstances hits your family, it’s important to be the shelter in the storm for your children. Cover them during the hard rain, assess the damage after the storm, and then give them the tools to rebuild themselves and help them along the way. Allow them ways to see any silver linings in those storm clouds. Identify the symptoms and investigate the root cause of stress. Role-model how to handle it appropriately. Use and adapt all of our Universal Strategies to benefit your child and the entire family during difficulties such as those we’ve outlined in this chapter. The stress of a situation like any of these can be managed, and in some cases ameliorated, so that the long-term effects are that your children grow stronger and more resilient. When handled well, the experience can teach them a great deal, because there’s one thing for sure: There will be other stressful circumstances that will come along later in their lives.