3

Tantrums

When your child throws a temper tantrum, it can cut right to your core. What goes through your mind can run the gamut from bewilderment at the cause of the tantrum, to embarrassment if the tantrum takes place in public, to frustration if you cannot make it stop.

Let’s begin by examining the causes of a tantrum. When a tantrum occurs, it typically stems from your child’s sense of frustration or anger. There is something she wants but cannot have, or something he sees but cannot touch. Sometimes, your child is watching other children do something that he cannot do, either because he’s not allowed to do it or he can’t yet manage it physically.

Anger is a natural emotion we all experience.

Anger is a natural emotion we all experience. Anger can be adaptive, because it alerts us that something may not be right or that we might be in danger. We communicate our anger through actions, behaviors, and language. Some of our responses to anger are simply a matter of nature; human beings have physiologic responses that can include increased heart rate, faster breathing, blushing, and so on. In children, the anger response can often manifest as a tantrum.

In this chapter, we take a look at the source of temper tantrums, again offering that peek inside your child’s brain. We talk about typical triggers of tantrums and how to manage them. Tips for how to handle a tantrum, and a step-by-step example of using the coaching and practice session strategies at the grocery store will follow. Toward the end, we take you through what to do if your child’s tantrum becomes violent and give you some ideas for resetting your relationship if you feel like it’s turned negative.

Understand the Source of Tantrums by Age

Tantrums can occur at any age; we’ve even seen some terrible adult tantrums. However, it’s often that time frame aptly called the “Terrible Twos” that launch them in children. At the age of two, children do not have the words or the understanding of how to use the words they know to describe their feelings, so it’s up to you to help them through it. The third year can be similar, as their words can’t keep up with the pace of their exploration of the world around them. There are plenty of parents who find that the threes are even worse than the twos they thought were so terrible.

From the ages of four until about six, the tantrums are morphing into a bit less of a self-centered tirade, but your child is still learning how to use words and to regulate his emotions. Tantrums may become a little more strategic in nature. As mentioned in Chapter 1, kids at this age are trying to figure out how they can leverage relationships to their advantage and testing boundaries to see how they can assert themselves. They are also very much still learning how to express their feelings in appropriate ways.

Some of us are just hardwired to fly off the handle more easily than others.

Between the ages seven and nine, a tantrum may be more a first foray into rebellion, and certainly may contain a bit more anger than frustration. Children at this age have words, but still may not be able to translate their feelings into words. They are under a great deal more pressure as they get older, and for some children, just like for some people of any age, there is a need to occasionally blow their stack to release that pressure. Some of us are just hardwired to fly off the handle more easily than others, so consider your child’s personality in determining why his tantrums persist.

At 10 and 11, kids are approaching the tween years and often want to separate themselves from their parents as much as possible. You may find attitude to be constant, and they can be dismissive of your parental protection or knowledge. Social and academic pressures are higher at this age. They look outward to friends and social groups to gather information about the world around them. For some, puberty has already started or is coming soon, and with that comes hormones that can play havoc with emotions. Children at this age may understand what they are feeling but can be confused as to why they are feeling that way.

Manage Contributing Factors

Many tantrums are simple and impulsive. Your child has a want, a limit is set, and the child expresses frustration and anger by way of a tantrum. In many instances, it really is no more complicated than that. So managing the “wants” is an antecedent management strategy.

The first question you need to ask yourself when you see a tantrum begin is: “Is my child hungry or tired?” Those triggers alone will account for many tantrums in children of all ages. Keeping an emergency snack on hand can go a long way toward preventing, or at least reducing, a tantrum. (Sara has a hidden granola bar in every purse, every car, and in nearly every bag for this express purpose.)

There’s no hiding a nap in a purse, though. If your child falls asleep in the aftermath of a tantrum, then you’ll know what induced it. The only cure for being overtired is sleep. Any time your child is off his or her sleep schedule because of a busy day, try to make the time spent in your car as conducive to a nap as possible. Also, try to make sure the following day adheres to your child’s usual sleep schedule.

What are you doing with these snacks and naps? You’re trying to manage the factors that contribute to a tantrum—those things that make it more likely for a behavior to occur. By minimizing them, you can remove, or at least reduce, the likelihood of a full-blown tantrum. While hunger and being tired are two common triggers, there are plenty of others.

By minimizing the antecedents, you can remove, or reduce, the likelihood of a tantrum.

The second question you need to ask yourself is, “Am I taking my child into a situation that may be likely to provoke a tantrum?” If so, see if there’s a way you can help your child avoid that situation: Skip the third birthday party of the weekend, or go to the grocery store later when your child isn’t in tow. Advance thought will help you to either avoid a potential tantrum or be prepared for its occurrence. If you still must go into a provocative situation, using the Universal Strategies of redirection and coaching discussed in Chapter 2 will be most helpful.

The beginnings of an illness can also be the cause of a behavioral problem that seems to come out of nowhere. A fever or sore throat the following day can clue you into the reasons behind the previous day’s bad behavior.

That simple act of validating her emotional state can sometimes be enough.

Sometimes, you can see your child start to get upset. If you can catch your child before the tantrum takes hold and name the feelings she may be having, that simple act of validating her emotional state can sometimes be enough to head off the tantrum. The anger a child shows can often be connected to the perception that no one understands what they are feeling. If you express understanding of her point of view, it may help take the wind out of the sails of a stormy tantrum.

There are situational influences that can cause a tantrum as well. Perhaps your child is not getting enough exercise or is reacting to something bad happening at school. Traveling or sitting in a waiting room for long periods of time can also trigger fussiness and tantrums. Having a bag of tricks, such as crayons or a little game, in your purse or car can be helpful, but what you really need is to be watchful and mindful of the effect of these influences on your child. Allowing your child to stretch his legs as often as you can will help. Using some of their weekly limit of screen time on a mobile device during the wait may also be worth it. Getting a hint of a specific trigger will go a long way toward helping you prevent your child’s tantrums.

Consider whether you can reduce the demands on your child. Try to keep the child’s environment calm and not overly competitive. If your child appears tense, a little extra attention may prevent an eventual angry outburst.

Prepare your child in advance for changes in activity by explaining why a play schedule must be interrupted or why a request is being denied. Use the coaching strategy after your explanation, being very explicit in describing the tantrum behavior you do not want to see: “Sometimes, when we’re leaving the playground where you’ve been having fun, you scream and yell and cry that you don’t want to leave. Do you think today you can come with me without doing that?”

If your child agrees, then you go to the playground and give her ample warnings as you approach the end of your time there. Remind her of your agreement, and tell her that the consequences of breaking it will mean no playground time the next day. If, however, your child says no when you ask if she can avoid the tantrum when leaving, then you just simply stay home.

As your child gets older, you can build in positive reinforcement for not having a tantrum. For example, you can offer praise after a high-risk episode in which your child did not have a tantrum. Specific praise, such as “I know you were getting really frustrated and angry back there, but you did such a good job of using your words! I’m so proud of you!” shows your child that you don’t take his effort at regulating his emotions for granted.

Finally, sometimes you simply may not recognize that there are patterns to your child’s tantrums. In other words, there may be contributing factors that are controllable or consequences that are reinforcing the tantrums, but you don’t initially see them.

Deal with Tantrums

But what if you don’t catch wind of the oncoming storm? Sometimes a tantrum can really come out of nowhere. Children don’t yet know the words to describe their emotions when these frustrating or maddening situations arise, so they act them out instead. That acting out can range from a thunderstorm to a full-on hurricane, depending on the situation and your child’s personality.

Your goal is to let your child know this behavior will get her nowhere.

Once a tantrum starts, it is maintained by attention. Despite the severity of the tantrum, your goal in handling it is to let your child know that this kind of behavior will get him or her absolutely nowhere. Children need to talk about their feelings of anger rather than lashing out verbally or physically. Your job is to teach them how to do that, with the understanding that the process of their learning this skill is a gradual one that occurs over time, and through constant repetition. Using the Universal Strategy of role-modeling will lay a foundation for dealing with your child’s tantrums. While a tantrum may be a physiologic response to anger, kids learn how to manage this emotion by watching how adults (starting with Mom and Dad) deal with it. So before you start in with any attempts to teach your child how to express his or her feelings with words instead of anger, take a hard look in the mirror and, if necessary, do some adjusting on your end.

Tantrums are perfectly normal behavior for a child, but of course that doesn’t make it easier for you to handle. Try to deal with it without anger and without submission. Here are our tips:

• Remain calm. It helps if you remind yourself that a tantrum is natural and not a bad reaction to frustration and anger. Use the Universal Strategy of ignoring from Chapter 2 to deal with the noise; go about your business if you can and wait for the storm to pass. If you’re in a public setting, move your child to as secluded a spot as possible and simply stay with him or her until the tantrum subsides.
• Don’t show anger or disgust. Your child is already going through quite an ordeal. Don’t make it worse, because you will not be able to shame her into stopping.
• Don’t give in. Don’t let her do or get whatever caused the tantrum. Placating your child or giving in only reinforces the behavior and makes it more likely it’ll happen again.
• Don’t try to reason with your child during the outburst. Your child is a boiling sea of emotions and is in no frame of mind to listen to logic or reason.
• Don’t threaten punishment. Saying something like “Stop it or I’ll really give you something to cry about” is like pouring gasoline on a fire.
• Name and validate your child’s emotion. When your child gets angry and loses control, say something like, “I understand you’re really mad.” Such a simple empathic acknowledgment teaches kids to communicate what they are feeling and lets them know that anger is not bad. They just need to learn better ways to express it.
• Let the tantrum run its course. Use the disengaging and ignoring strategies as they suit you best. If your child is really young, sitting down next to her, remaining calm but nearby, will be enough. For an older child, you might say something like, “I know you’re angry, but you’ll need to go to your room to finish crying.” Or you can simply say firmly, “Go to your room to cool down.”
• Minimize physical interaction. If it looks like a tantrum is turning physical, take your child to a place where he will do less harm. You can also use or create barriers to prevent him from lashing out. Don’t let your child attack you or anyone else, or hurt himself, or destroy his or others’ property. (See “Handle the Violent Tantrum” on page 73.)
• Remember that your child is not an enemy. Keep in mind that your child needs your help in learning mature ways of behaving. She needs to know that when she has lost control, you are there for her and will help her regain it. If you respond to her outburst with yelling or spanking, you lose the opportunity to be a role model for how to deal with upsetting feelings.

When the tantrum is over and your child calms down, it is time to begin rebuilding and positively reengaging. Wash her face and offer a drink of water. Let bygones be bygones and return to the positive relationship.

A quick conversation to reaffirm that there is nothing wrong or bad about feeling angry and a short request that the child talk about these feelings instead of having a tantrum, is appropriate. Don’t drag your child back through the entire experience just when she has calmed down from it. Later on you can utilize the coaching and practice session strategies and refer back to this situation.

With older children, you might discuss what caused the outburst and how to resolve that specific issue. If together you can get to the root of the problem, you can help your child to find ways of expressing her anger more productively in the future. But again this should be a very short conversation that doesn’t dwell on the incident.

Your key goals during your child’s tantrum should be to avoid reinforcing the behavior; name her emotions for her; and offer up an acceptable alternative behavior, but leave the burden of calming down to her. You have to step in to educate your child and help her through the tantrum, but you shouldn’t take responsibility for resolving her upset feelings every time she has them. Children need to experience the cycle of calm-upset-calm in order to learn how to manage themselves and their feelings. Be consistent with your child so that she knows what to expect from you during these episodes, which can be confusing to a child.

Children need to experience the cycle of calm-upset-calm.

Note that the Universal Strategy of rewards is not one to implement if your child is having a tantrum. Any type of a reward, while it may stop the tantrum, will reinforce the behavior and you’ll have more of them on your hands before long. Instead, use praise as soon as you see your child start calming down. You can even do this when he stops crying or screaming to take a breath. Use that lull in the noise to say, in a soft voice, “Oh, good, you’re starting to calm down.” This suggestive technique may deflate the tantrum right then and there. Afterward, praise the eventual return to calm. Finally, let go of any anger about the tantrum once your child starts to settle down, regardless of how upset it made you, so you don’t make it start up again.

Use Coaching and Practice Session Strategies at the Grocery Store

What practically every parent immediately thinks of when it comes to his or her child having a temper tantrum is the grocery store. Rows and rows of every kind of food imaginable to a kid are arranged in extremely attractive ways by grocery marketing geniuses. And then there are the checkout lines with candy and gum close to arm’s reach. There is so much that a child wants at a grocery store, and limit after limit must be set. All of this becomes kindling for that dreaded tantrum.

There is so much that a child wants at a grocery store.

A combination of the coaching and practice session strategies will help if your child is susceptible to tantrums at the grocery store. You can amend these to use in any other kind of public place that provokes your child, as well.

What follows are six steps for using the coaching and practice session strategies:

1. Choose a time for a practice session that is one in which you do not actually need groceries. You should not have any focus other than your child in order for these sessions to be effective.
2. Coach your child about what is expected, naming the kinds of behaviors the child has struggled with in the past. Include a discussion of what will happen if the child has trouble behaving (such as running off, tantrums caused by wanting something at checkout, etc.).
3. Take the actual trip. Go through the motions of a regular trip, all the while focusing on your child. Continue to provide coaching and intermittent reinforcement of appropriate behavior by giving specific praise such as, “I like the way you’re walking right next to the cart instead of running off down the aisle!”
4. Be completely willing to go to a negative consequence, as discussed in Chapter 2, if things go south. This is the dreaded Time-Out in the store or leaving the store altogether despite a full grocery cart. (We’ve been there; it’s totally effective but no fun at all.) This is why it’s so important that this trip be only about practice and that you don’t have any pressure to actually bring home groceries.
5. Be as polite as you can to the workers in the store, because they will be more likely to assist you if needed.
6. Afterward, make any adjustments required for the next practice session. Alternatively, it’s okay to decide that your child really isn’t ready and simply decide not to bring him to the store with you for the foreseeable future.

It’s a cliché, but the tantrum at the grocery store is still as embarrassing and cringe-worthy for every parent to go through as it was for all the other shoppers in the store who had to go through it when their children were younger. Dr. Pete still recalls sitting on the floor in the aisle at the Tom Thumb grocery store, using the strategies outlined above and holding his tantrumming son, sweating and totally embarrassed.

Dr. Pete says, “What kept going through my mind was that if I follow through, then I’ll have very few episodes like this, and if I don’t, this will happen all the time. So I decided that if I was going to be this embarrassed, I’d better see a benefit to it.”

Dr. Pete stuck to his guns, and the tantrums were few and far between. (Now his son is a college student who can control his temper very well.) Use your ignoring strategy with all the other shoppers in the store if you need to, and concentrate on helping your child through this tantrum.

Use Disengaging Strategy

If you have an emotional child, teetering on a tantrum, a short, empathic response to validate his feelings is worth a try. Simply saying, “I understand how you are feeling right now,” in a nice, calm voice might just work. If it doesn’t, move on to the disengagement strategy.

For children who are just trying to test you—perhaps she is stamping her feet or creating a fuss over something for which she knows better—the disengagement strategy will be especially helpful. When you’re at home and your child has a meltdown, this option may also be your choice, as it can be relatively time-intensive. Since consistency throughout all of these strategies is necessary, make sure you don’t have a schedule to keep to for the next hour or so.

You can disengage during a tantrum using the following approaches:

• Offer bland, automatic responses such as, “I understand that.” This will allow you to reply to any tantrum verbalizations without reinforcing the behavior. Your child may test you for a while, but if you stick to it, most kids will get the hint.
• Don’t feel that you have to justify the limits you are setting to your child or that you have to explain your reasons for whatever set off the tantrum. Those exchanges can be reinforcing to the tantrum.
• Give conditions under which you will discuss the situation with more than just an automatic response. For example: “When you’ve calmed down, then we can talk about why you don’t like this rule.”
• The less said, the better.
• Begin to busy yourself in a mundane task (like housework). This gives you a focus while your child calms down. Anything you say during a tantrum should be stated in a low, calm voice, which role-models what you want your child to do.

Understand the Violent Tantrums

There are some children whose tempers become violent during a tantrum. Sometimes kids will resort to hitting and kicking as they escalate the tantrum to gain parental attention. This can happen when you appropriately ignore your tantrumming child, and the child raises the stakes to get you to engage. This is fairly normal behavior, but that doesn’t mean you have to allow it. If hitting is one of your Absolutes, and we’d encourage that it be on your list, do not under any circumstances allow your child to hit you or anyone during a tantrum. If you can physically control your child, then going straight to a Time-Out is appropriate for hitting. State, in a firm voice, “No hitting, time out!” and then institute a Time-Out immediately.

As your child gets bigger and stronger, however, this can be much more difficult. Even some 4-year-olds are too strong for their parents to control safely during a tantrum. Unfortunately, this situation presents a conundrum: You can’t allow hitting, but it’s really difficult to institute a punishment in the midst of a tantrum. It becomes a very messy situation.

So, your strategy needs to become one of damage control. Remove any other children from the area, and do what you can to not get hit: Use barriers, a couch, pillows, or whatever you can. Walk away if you have to; do it quietly so as not to add drama to the situation, but also quickly enough so that your child cannot chase you down. Remember, the tantrum is all about attention. You must separate yourself from your child, whether that means relocating the child or yourself. Once a situation escalates to this level, with a tantrum of this force, there is little you can do to stop it. You just need to let it run its course without letting your child hurt you, himself, or anyone else.

Remember, the tantrum is all about attention.

After it’s over, it is appropriate to institute some negative consequences for hitting, especially if your child is older. Don’t rehash the episode with your child in too much detail, but you and your spouse, or any other adult involved in the situation, need to examine the ABCs of what happened. Your goal is to control any contributing factors in the future to reduce the likelihood of similar events. Sometimes, the violent tantrums will happen again, even without the same triggers. This will be a learning process for you and your spouse, and you should start to see the occurrence of this level of tantrum decrease. If it doesn’t, or you just feel out of your depth with these tantrums, Chapter 11 takes you through some indicators that may lead you to consider seeking professional help.

Reset a Negative Relationship

Too many escalated discipline problems, like violent behavior, can lead to feeling that you and your child have a negative relationship. If you feel that your relationship with your child has become a bit troubled, we’d like to suggest a reset before you move on to any other behavior shaping strategies in this book. These are strategies you can do from home. Wipe the slate clean, start from scratch, or at least flip the page to a blank one.

You can reset your relationship with your child using the following approaches:

Commit to Special Time together one-on-one.

• Make a list of your child’s positive attributes—those characteristics that you enjoy about her. Actually write them down, and have your spouse or co-parent do the same.
• Think back to times when your child has been particularly helpful or displayed really good behavior. These don’t need to be actions toward you, but include the way he treats his friends, teachers, other family members, or even pets. Add them to the list.
• Write down your child’s top few traits that you find to be the most difficult to deal with, and then find a positive spin to put on each. For example, for a particularly stubborn kid, you might write down that she is confident in her opinions and shows strength in asserting herself. Learning to harness that passion and bring it under her own control will serve her well in the future.
• Commit to some Special Time together. This is actually a common clinical recommendation to help parents improve their relationship with their children. As often as daily or at least several times per week for 15 to 20 minutes, commit to being with your child and doing at-home activities together that are chosen by the child. Special Time is one-on-one: one parent at a time with one child at a time. Suspend judgment during this Special Time, and let your child direct the activity entirely. Special Time can be playing a game, going for a bike ride, or snuggling together before bedtime. Do not share any of your opinions about the activities chosen or the way the child is acting. The idea is to create a regular time when your child is not worrying that he is going to get in trouble, and there is only positive interaction happening between you and your child. Do not break your promise about committing to Special Time, and do not allow this time to dissolve into yet another argument or you’ll have put yourself so much farther behind in this process.
• Share the thoughts you wrote down about your child using the Universal Strategy of praise. Do this not all at once, but generally, and during conversations. Use those listed items via the praise strategy, even if the examples aren’t necessarily recent. Find other reasons to praise your child as often as you can.

This reset is not automatic. It will take time. While you may have setbacks, continue adding to your list as often as you can. Make sure that both you and your spouse or co-partner acknowledges the fact that none of us is perfect: We all get mad and fly off the handle from time to time. Putting the time in with your child now will pay dividends in the long run.

• • •

Tantrums can mean a storm of arms and legs and screaming and crying, but if through it all you hold onto the fact that your child is expressing emotion in the only way he or she knows how, you’ll be able to be more understanding of the spectacle. Knowing why this happens allows you to handle it in a stress-free manner, which in itself will help your child learn how to deal with these emotions in more positive ways.

Often the first foray into behavioral issues, tantrums are certainly dramatic but if you can approach them in the right ways, using our Universal Strategies and the tips outlined in this chapter, they should start to decline and be relatively short lived. Teaching your child how to more appropriately handle his or her emotions will help you avoid other behavior issues in the coming years and set the stage for continuing to build that positive parent–child relationship that is the basis for you both.