8

Impact Your Child’s Social Development and Peer Influence

You are the most important influence in your child’s life. Your influence goes to the core of who your child is, and the person he or she is becoming. You may not see the full effects of your influence for a number of years, as friendships eventually take center stage, but, rest assured, it’s critical.

You can instill positive qualities in your child that spur social development.

A child’s social development—the process of learning the knowledge, values, and skills that enable him to relate to peers and adults in a socially acceptable way—impacts his behavior. You play a vital role in that development, first as the gatekeeper of your child’s social relationships, then as the facilitator, and at times even as the arbitrator. There are numerous ways in which you can instill positive qualities in your child that spur social development.

When it comes to behavior, it’s important to consider the impact of peer influence—the pressure on your child to conform to the actions and/or values of her peer group. This influence includes the reinforcing roles of her social group and the beginnings of peer pressure. From the friendships you facilitate in her early years through those she chooses in a school setting, the children your child hangs around with will influence her greatly.

Even sibling rivalry, the competition between children for their parents’ attention, can have an influence on their social development. Setting a solid social foundation can help your kids feel happier, more connected, and less vulnerable to those negative influences they will encounter in the years to come. While you can have a huge impact on their social development, it’s important to act early, because your influence will be nudged out temporarily during adolescence and replaced by peer influence.

In this chapter, we discuss the positive aspects of your child’s development of social skills in relating to other children, and examine the role of peer influence. (We’ve heavily covered the aspect of your child’s social development with you in the sections dealing with the Universal Strategy of cultivating a positive parent–child relationship.) We connect the dots between peer-pressure behaviors in adolescence and healthy peer-group choices in the 3-to-11-year-old age range. From the origins of sibling rivalry behavior to the steps you can take if your child has a hard time fitting into a peer group, there are many ways in which you can shape your child’s behavior for positive social interactions.

Promote Positive Social Relationships with Peers

Don’t underestimate the impact that relationships with peers have on your child’s social development. Having friendships is a need, not just a want, and it’s essential for healthy development. This doesn’t mean that every child has to have a huge social network or be a social butterfly; it’s okay for an introverted child to have fewer friends than an extrovert. The point is that kids need to be fulfilled by having some social relationships with friends.

Kids need to be fulfilled by having some social relationships with friends.

It’s well established in psychological research that preschool-aged children who have positive peer relationships are likely to maintain these positive interactions in grade school. On the other hand, children who don’t have the skills to play constructively and develop friendships with other children their age can be excluded later on and lose the opportunity to develop additional and more complex social skills that are essential for future peer interaction.

Positive social development comes partly from innate social competence—some of us are more naturally “social” than others—and partly from social practice. With exposure to more opportunities to try different social behaviors, your child will be able to hone and refine his skills through natural feedback from those with whom he’s interacting.

There are some very easy, proactive ways you can enhance your child’s social skills and help him make the most of his social opportunities using our Universal Strategies.

First, give your child many chances to play with other children and to negotiate, share, and deal with problems that arise. Join a playgroup, find kids on the block, or connect through your faith-based organization. This is the Universal Strategy of practice sessions, built right into the neighborhood playground. Pair it with the coaching strategy and use plenty of praise for the behaviors you see that you like. Don’t try to control every interaction; let minor squabbles play out a little before deciding to get involved. These natural opportunities for conflict resolution are invaluable in helping kids develop social skills.

Natural opportunities for conflict resolution are invaluable in helping kids develop social skills.

Second, use the Universal Strategy of cultivating a positive relationship and take some time to play with your child as a peer would play. Children are able to learn a great deal through play with a parent, even though it can be difficult to drop the “parent” persona. Your child’s social competence will be enhanced every time you laugh and every time you’re responsive to her ideas on what to play.

Resist the urge to direct these play periods. Let your child take the lead while you’re in the supporting role of playmate. Do offer constructive feedback, however. When she has trouble waiting her turn, let her know that other kids might not like that and may not want to keep playing with her as a result. As they get older, you can continue with playtime on the basketball court or with board games, either of which provide the perfect setup for practicing important social skills, such as turn-taking, dealing with disputes, and winning or losing with grace.

Third, whether watching your own child or people watching at a public place, use the Universal Strategy of positive reinforcement and name the social behaviors that you want your child to repeat or emulate. It’s very important to specifically comment on those behaviors and attributes that you want to reinforce in your child’s social development. Here are a few examples:

• “I saw you share your new doll with Cassidy today. I know your doll’s special, and you probably were worried she might get dirty or her hair might get messed up, but you could see how much Cassidy wanted to play with her. That was very nice. And you know what? Cassidy was really careful, wasn’t she? She really knows how to take care of her friends’ toys.”
• “Wow, do you see that little boy just coming off of the field? His team lost, but he smiled as he was shaking hands with the other team’s players and kept telling them it was a great game. Some of his teammates seemed like they were pouting, but he had a great attitude.”
• “You know, Benjamin’s mom called me today to ask if you were still mad at him. I guess you guys got upset with each other the other day when you were at his house? She told me Benjamin was yelling but you kept calm, and I was glad to hear that you behaved yourself even though you were mad. So what happened?”

Manage Access to Peer Influencers

While you can’t choose your child’s friends, you certainly can control access to those peers with whom your child plays. Especially when kids are younger, you can choose your child’s playdates and decide whether to accept invitations. Kids should always be exposed to a great diversity of peers, but it’s okay to steer clear of one whom you feel is objectionable, like the aggressive kid in the playgroup or the foul-mouthed one at daycare.

It’s important to play a central role early on in facilitating social development for your child. Numerous factors, including parent role-modeling and early friendships, give children a basis for selecting the characteristics they like in others. So being thoughtful now means you have the opportunity to impact the types of characteristics your child will find desirable in friends later on.

As your child gets older, you necessarily must relinquish some of the control and trust that your positive influence will hold, even when your child is away from you, because of the foundation you’ve built of open and honest communication, appropriate limit setting, and modeling of good social values and characteristics. Within this environment, the negative influence of a peer is much more likely to be seen as undesirable by your child, and the relationship is more likely to be short lived.

The occasional bad influence from a peer is inevitable.

But the occasional bad influence from a peer is inevitable. When this happens, try to understand the underlying reason. For example, your child may need a boost of self-confidence in order to stand up to the negative influence, or she may be worried that if she stands up to this kid, she may not find another friend. It may be that she’s just attracted to the short-term excitement or rebelliousness this child offers, or she may not know the right words to tell this child to stop. It could be even as simple as the fact that this child lives nearby and is always available to play at the same time as your child.

Regardless of the reason for this friendship, it’s important not to criticize your child’s choice of friends. Often, children will become defensive and may continue to interact with these friends out of a sense of loyalty or to rebel against parents. Instead, focus on the specific behaviors you observe and be certain your child understands that there will be consequences for any negative behaviors.

For example, if your child engages in a bad behavior when he’s with a friend, a natural consequence of this would be to restrict access to that friend temporarily. If the bad behavior resulted in damages to property or someone’s feelings, you can use the Universal Strategy of having your child make apologies and restitution (and if you can swing it with the other child’s parents, the friend should do the same). Additionally, you can use the Universal Strategy of negative consequences in the form of restricting privileges.

It’s also important that your child see your willingness to discipline his friend when they’re at your home. It’s appropriate for a parent to set clear house rules for any visitors, as well as to have clear consequences for breaking those house rules: “It is not okay that you guys were throwing your sister’s Teddy bear into the garbage can, so you two need to say ‘sorry’ and then clean the bear off.”

Later on, you can use an if/then statement from the Universal Strategy of giving good directions and say privately to your child, “I notice that you tend to misbehave more when you hang out with Michael. Every family has different rules, and I don’t know what his are, but I need for you to remember our rules and let your friends know what they are when they’re here. If you can behave responsibly when Michael’s here, then we can keep setting up playdates with him.”

Combat Negative Peer-Group Behaviors

Peer pressure can be both positive and negative.

We’re all subject to peer pressure—the drive we feel either directly or indirectly to conform to the norm set by our social group. Adopting characteristics of those around us can give us a sense of belonging and acceptance. Peer pressure can be both positive and negative. But as we said in the beginning of this chapter, children who have a solid social foundation and a generally positive peer network are less likely to be influenced by negative peers.

To use an example well trod in the media about peer pressure leading to drug usage in teens, it’s true that some children can be taken in by that kind of negative peer pressure. But, as we learned in physics, for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. An example of positive peer pressure is the high achiever whose peer group consists of other high achievers, and who as a result is more likely to shun the drug culture at school because it’s inconsistent with his peer group.

In children ages 3 to 11, you’re more likely to see tagalong behavior or group behavior. Typically, something looks like fun, a bunch of kids are doing it, and your kid wants to do it, too.

Positive group behavior can spur achievement, attention to manners, and healthy choices. But it’s when a group reinforces negative behavior that our blood pressure rises. One of the best ways to help your child resist negative peer pressure is by helping her develop a positive self-esteem and a positive sense of self-worth. This can help her stand up in the face of negative peer pressure so she won’t be so vulnerable to the need to fit in. In other words, a happy child whose social and emotional needs are met and one who thinks well of herself is much less likely to feel the need to give in to negative peer pressure.

A child whose social and emotional needs are met is less likely to give in to peer pressure.

Teach your child to be assertive. Children who are afraid to stand up for themselves tend to have difficulty handling stressful situations. Use the Universal Strategy of practice sessions to teach specific “turn-down” comments. By developing and practicing possible scenarios, you can help him come up with ways to say no. These allow him to stand up for himself in an appropriate, nonaggressive manner.

Here are some age-appropriate examples of topics for turndown comments you can use with your child to combat negative group behavior:

• “Has anyone you know ever looked at your answers on a test and tried to copy them? That happened to me a few times when I was your age. Cheating isn’t right, and it’s against the school rules. If that ever does happen to you, just tell the other kid to stop and if he or she doesn’t, let the teacher know.”
• “I heard a story the other day about kids your age, but they were from another state. The story was about how much trouble they all got in for lying. They told a bunch of lies and it kept causing more and more problems. We always tell the truth in our family, and you can say that to anyone who ever asks you to lie, okay?”

It’s important to realize that as your child develops, the negative pressures will change. Therefore, practice of these turndown comments must be ongoing and topical rather than a onetime thing. Eventually, you’ll start using more serious scenarios to practice, like drugs, alcohol, and other risky behaviors. Keep the practice sessions short and to the point, and only offer them up on a sporadic basis so your child doesn’t tune you out. If he’s used to the idea that it’s okay to say no from earlier situations, he’ll be more empowered to do so when he’s a teen and the ramifications of his choices are much greater.

Use Strategies When Your Child Has Peer-Group Problems

Some children experience trouble fitting in with a peer group for a variety of reasons. In some cases, a dynamic changes in a group and members drift off, leaving your child left out. In other cases, your child may just not be as naturally gifted in social circles and struggles to fit in. Occasionally, a child is targeted for ostracism and bullying.

It feels more comfortable to fit in with any group, as opposed to not fitting in at all.

It’s important to take action to help your child with peer-group problems because children who have trouble fitting into social groups are more likely to be vulnerable to negative peer pressure. From a child’s perspective, it often feels more comfortable to fit in with any group, even a negative one, as opposed to not fitting in at all. Remember that friendships are a need, essential to just about every individual. So when a child gravitates toward playmates who tend to be aggressive or manipulative, or who otherwise exhibit social behaviors that we don’t agree with, it’s often the case that the child is having trouble getting her social needs met in a more positive way.

A child who reaches adolescence and is not having his or her social needs met by socially competent and secure peers but is instead hanging out with others on the social fringe may be more willing to engage in negative behaviors, negative relationships, and risk-taking behaviors in order to gain social acceptance. While this can be a little ways off from the 3-to-11-year-old age range of this book, the seeds of positive social development are sown in these early years.

If your child is having peer-group problems, regardless of whether this is a temporary or chronic situation, there are some steps you can take to help your child improve socialization skills and foster the identification and growth of potential positive friendships:

• Play to his strengths by signing him up for lessons, a team, or a club where there will be access to other children with similar interests.
• Host regular movie nights or pizza parties for the whole team or club in which your child is involved. Make sure it’s something that will be enticing enough for these acquaintances to want to attend. This provides the opportunity for you to observe your child’s social behavior and provide feedback. Additionally, an acquaintance has more of a possibility of turning into a friend in this kind of a fun social setting.
• If your child gets along and is more comfortable with other children who are a couple of years younger but doesn’t seem to connect well with kids her age, then facilitate playtime with those younger ones so that she gets as much social practice time in as possible. Allowing her to stay within her comfort zone helps her learn more in a safe space than if you pushed her to only associate with peers her own age.
• Consult your child’s teacher or school guidance counselor to get some context as to what’s going on. A teacher may be able to identify a child with whom your child is friendly in class and you can then help cultivate that relationship.
• Seek out a social skills group for your child. This is a relatively new type of support group, specifically intended to generate positive social interactions, that is becoming increasingly common in cities and towns across the United States.

Throughout these action steps, you’ll need to use the coaching and praising Universal Strategies liberally. Have a discussion with your child just before he enters the club meeting or team practice or right before all the kids from those groups come over for pizza. Be very specific in terms of naming the behavioral tendencies you want him to show. You can even practice what he’ll say to the other kids with simple interactions like basic greetings and asking to join in play.

For example, if your child tends to be very blunt with other kids, thereby turning them off, you need to be proactive and say exactly that: “When your teammates arrive, you need to remember how to be polite. Think about your words carefully, and how the other person will feel when you say them. I heard you tell Xavier that his clothes didn’t match last week, and that hurt his feelings. While you may have been right, it really shouldn’t matter to you what he wears, so just don’t say things like that. Instead, you can offer everyone something to drink and show them your playroom. Do you understand?”

You’re soliciting your child’s agreement that he’ll work to manage his social behavior, and you’ve given him a specific example. Prompt him again just as he’s entering, and even during, the event once or twice if necessary. The idea is that he’ll then be more likely to self-manage that behavior.

In the event that your child becomes an active target or other children are seeking out your child for repeated negative interactions, immediately speak with your child’s school principal, team coach, or club director. Bullying and rejection can cut a child like a knife and have lasting effects. School and extracurricular activities should be safe places, but if your child is a target, he is anything but safe. Find out how long the behavior has been going on; this will help you make a determination as to whether to speak with a counselor or mental health professional. Chapter 11 has additional information on how to know when you need to seek professional input.

Bullying and rejection can cut a child like a knife.

Handle Sibling Rivalry

As children develop, they use the social group of their family and their siblings as a natural test market for the wider world of social behavior. While it’s not exactly the same as with peers due to the circumstances of living together, from sharing to turn-taking to conflict resolution, you have a natural setup for observing, reinforcing, practicing, and coaching social behaviors in your kids. Of course, sibling rivalry often rears its ugly head, and this can cause us to lose sight of the social aspects of sibling interaction. Regardless, it’s important to recognize all the opportunities you have to encourage social behavior by focusing on sibling interactions, even in the face of jealousy and rivalry.

Like many of the behaviors we’ve discussed in this book, sibling rivalry is completely natural. In the science of biology, when you have more than one organism vying for finite resources of basic needs, there’s a natural competition that develops. This is akin to the hypothesis of “survival of the fittest.” Those organisms that can get the most resources survive. In a family with more than one child, these basic instincts for survival come to the surface in sibling rivalry. Today, in our society, two or more children aren’t vying for actual survival, but they are competing for the limited resources of a parent: time and attention.

Siblings are competing for the limited resources of a parent: time and attention.

Additionally, you have contributing factors such as the dynamics of individual relationships between each member of the family, and the individual characteristics of each person, with which to contend. You can do everything right as a parent and still never be able to eliminate sibling rivalry, but that shouldn’t necessarily be your goal. Maintaining civility, so you don’t have kids who are at each other’s throats all the time, is a fine goal when you have protracted sibling rivalry. Often, in time the rivalry fades and the relationship between siblings grows into one of tolerance and sometimes actual friendship when they’re older. You do want them to be able to get along when they’re grownups, but you can’t make a kid like his brother or sister. Civility toward one another is important and can be expected, enforced, and reinforced.

Sometimes the wisest course is to see whether your kids can work it out on their own.

Many aspects of civil behavior between siblings revolve around attitude. All of the ways to use our Universal Strategies explained in Chapter 7 for attitude behaviors can also apply to sibling rivalry behaviors. Remember that you need to pick your battles wisely, determine those behaviors you’ll prioritize as requiring action, and apply them equitably to both, or all, of your children. Always keep in mind that sometimes the wisest course is to let a conflict play out to see whether your kids can work it out on their own. If they can, it’s time for lots of praise that calls attention to how they reached this achievement.

Sibling rivalry offers a perfect use of the Universal Strategy of redirecting focus by changing the attention from the problem to finding ways to get along. Redirecting your children’s focus negates the myriad of triggers that siblings use to get into it with each other. When you sense that they’re headed down the path of competition or jealousy or frustration with each other, assign them a task, invite them to start a new game, or separate them.

Some parents insist on implementing consequences to both siblings involved, to underscore the idea that it takes them both (or all) to work together to get along. That’s a subjective decision best made by you based on either your priorities or what’s going on at that moment. We advocate for equitable parenting, which is being fair but adapting your strategies to each child as necessary.

Rivalry aside, however, some aspects of peer influences can be mimicked by siblings. Group dynamics begin in the earliest years, and the first group your child is a part of is your family. Our Universal Strategy of cultivating a positive relationship with your child can play a huge role in dealing with both sibling and peer influence. Like many concepts in parenting, this one has many layers, but the foundation is self-esteem, self-worth, and a sense of belonging. When we parent each of our children from the very beginning equitably and with respect, positive communication, nurturance, and clear boundaries, we help foster that solid foundation.

• • •

From sibling rivalry to peer-influence groups to outright peer pressure, the social development of your children is yet another place where behavior plays an important part, and you can use specific strategies to shape positive behavior. Understanding the need of children to have interactions and close ties to a social group will help you build on the foundation of social development you’ve already established within your own family. That very foundation will be what your children rely on when they’re facing peer pressure and choosing friends, and while they may make mistakes from time to time, they’ll come back to their parents, their core influencers, for guidance and support when needed. You’re the most important people in their lives whether they admit it or not.