by Amy Gallo, cohost of Women at Work
A few years ago, I almost hired someone to negotiate for me. My first book, the HBR Guide to Dealing with Conflict, had just come out, and I was starting to give talks and workshops based on it. But every time I spoke to a potential client—a conference organizer or the learning and development lead at a company—I would dread the point in the conversation where we’d discuss fees. I found it awkward and uncomfortable. I hated trying to figure out whether I should name a price or inquire what their budget was first. I hated feeling like my professional value was being debated. I hated knowing that, as a woman, I’d be judged more harshly for advocating for myself. I hated the sinking suspicion that other speakers—even those with a commensurate amount of experience—were getting paid more. And I especially hated finding out that men who were presenting at the same event were indeed commanding higher fees.
So I started talking to speaking agents. When they asked why I wanted someone to represent me, I was clear: I don’t want to negotiate. One of the potential agents laughed and responded, “I guess even conflict experts hate negotiating.”
That was when a light bulb went off. If my goal during my speaking engagements is to help people in the audience learn how to handle difficult conversations productively and professionally, shouldn’t I be able to take my own advice?!
I didn’t end up signing with a speaker’s bureau then. Instead, I decided to endure the awkwardness and the concern that I wasn’t doing it right, and I followed the advice I gave in my talks about being clear on what I wanted, keeping that goal in mind, advocating for myself, and establishing boundaries. Five years later, I no longer dread those conversations about fees, but with the publication of my second book, I signed with an agent when the volume of requests just became too much to handle on my own.
Do I approach these negotiations with 100% confidence? Sometimes. Self-doubt and discomfort still creep in on occasion. But now I know how to work through those feelings and even use them to my advantage. Getting better at these conversations has made me more confident and skilled in all negotiations, whether I’m requesting responsibility for a project, saying no to an assignment I don’t have bandwidth for, or trying to convince my teenage daughter to clean her room.
I remember hearing professor Ashleigh Shelby Rosette caution women to not “negotiate against themselves” on an episode of the Women at Work podcast in season 1 (that was back before I was a cohost, when I was a listener and a fan of the show). By that, she meant that it’s not our job to think of all the reasons that our counterparts will say no and downgrade our request or desires before we even get to the negotiation table (something I certainly had been guilty of). It was such valuable guidance, and I took it to heart. I had the privilege of interviewing Ashleigh later and was able to ask her more about the pitfalls to avoid and how to prepare for a negotiation. That interview is chapter 2 in this book.
There are lots of misconceptions about women and negotiation: We’re bad at it, we care too much about being empathetic or nice, we see it as a chore and avoid it at all costs. They simply aren’t true. These are sweeping generalizations that have been debunked by studies over the last 20-plus years. What is true, however, is that women are often penalized for negotiating, as research by Hannah Riley Bowles and Linda Babcock has shown. Advocating for ourselves doesn’t align with gender expectations that we will care about others and put their needs first; the threat of losing relationships or being disliked is a real risk.
While the reality that women face additional obstacles (yet again) is depressing, there is hope. By negotiating in a way that is creative and collaborative, we can reach resolutions that meet our needs and those of the other people involved. And we can deepen relationships with those we work with regularly, learning more about their context and goals and sharing our own.
Another misunderstanding about negotiations is that either you can get the results you want, whether that’s a higher salary, a better deal, a more manageable workload, or you can preserve your relationship with the other person—your manager, a client, or a friend. People assume there’s a choice to be made—drive a hard bargain or make a concession to preserve the relationship. But, in most negotiations, you can do both—stand firm and maintain your relationships. In fact, becoming a more confident, consistent, and effective negotiator can improve your connections with others at work, something I write about in my second book, Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People). Rather than harming your relationships with those you frequently interact or negotiate with, you’re likely to garner respect when people see you as someone who can make the case for a budget increase, close a deal with a customer, advocate for your own career development and pay, and resolve differences before they escalate into unhealthy conflicts.
One important note: This book is not a primer or a step-by-step guide that takes you from preparation to closing the deal. (If that’s what you need, I highly recommend checking out the HBR Guide to Negotiating.) Next-Level Negotiating is a collection of some of our best articles and advice, selected to help anyone who is interested in understanding more about negotiation through a gender lens and supporting themselves or others in improving their skills in this area. We know from the podcast that this is something many of our listeners and readers want—to feel less awkward and more self-assured in asking for and getting what they want, whether they’re resolving a conflict with a customer, convincing colleagues to change a policy, agreeing on a project budget, or settling on the specifics of a new job.
The articles and interviews in this collection outline tactics that work, offer advice for putting them in practice, and provide guidance on what to do when you’re struggling to get to a resolution, all while paying attention to the nuances of how gender affects how we’re perceived and treated. There’s also a specific section on negotiating jobs and raises, since that is one of the most common—and often most fraught—negotiations that we engage in.
I’m guessing that you picked up this book because this is a skill that you want to get better at—whether you already enjoy negotiating or dread it, like I used to. No matter where you stand now, putting in the time and effort to get better at tough conversations will hone your interpersonal skills, improve your creative reasoning abilities, and ensure that you and your career move forward, rather than stall out. I know this book will help—not just at work, but in your personal life as well.