Abrahams, Robin, 230
abusive supervisor. See tormentor
acceptance, of situation, 249–250
accomplishments, highlighting your, 193–194
Adams, Gabrielle, 101, 106, 109, 212
advice, asking for, 150, 194–195
agency
pessimistic behavior and, 69–70, 79
aggression, 52. See also microaggressions; passive-aggressive peer
ambivalent relationships, 27–28
amplification strategy, 177
appreciation, expressing, 60–61
Aquino, Karl, 144
identifying, in coworkers, 253–256
passive-aggressive peer, 99–116, 254–255
political operator, 183–201, 256
artificial harmony, 114
assumptions
implicit, 209
making untrue, 207
Baran, Michael, 160
Barrett, Lisa Feldman, 41
benefit finding, 246
background on behavior of, 159–163
characteristics of, 157–158, 255
costs of working with, 166–167
defensive reactions by, 176
questions to ask yourself about, 167–171
See also microaggressions
bias(es), 8
about underestimated groups, 124–125
being aware of own, 208–210, 220
confirmation, 106, 208, 209, 217
subtle forms of, 159–160, 166–167
Birch, Alison Hall, 166
boss
escalating conflicts to, 227–229
taking credit for others’ work, 54
See also leaders
brain
Brown, Brené, 237
Burey, Jodi-Ann, 53
Burris, Ethan, 52
Chamorro-Premuzic, Tomas, 119–120, 123
Chen, Serena, 52
Chicken Little, 69
cognitive abilities, stress and, 5–6
cognitive overload, 41
“command and control” approach, 143, 238
complainers, 67–68, 69. See also pessimist
compliments folder, 63, 246, 249
confidence, 119, 120, 124, 125, 153–154
confirmation bias, 106, 208, 209, 217
conflict
acknowledging own part in, 47–48
addressing directly, 114
escalating to higher ups, 227–229
See also difficult people
conflict avoidance, 103
control
focusing on what you can, 204–205, 220
increasing feeling of, 242–243
Cooper, Marianne, 146
Cortina, Lilia, 165
creativity, impact of negative relationships on, 24–25
credit-stealing, 54, 196, 197–198, 199
cult of positivity, 76
cynicism, 77–78, 80. See also pessimist
“Debbie Downer,” 68
decision-making, 61, 78, 81, 121
defensive pessimism, 70
Derks, Belle, 150
difficult people
approaches to avoid with, 233–239
archetypes of (see archetypes)
documenting transgressions of, 226–227
direct approach
to microaggressions, 169, 170, 175–176
with passive-aggressive peers, 109, 110
with political operators, 195–196
disengagement, 223–226, 248–249
Duffy, Michelle, 140
ego defensiveness, 52
emotional contagion, 74, 91, 97, 235
emotional disengagement, 248–249
emotions
labeling, 107
empathy
using, to see differently, 211–213, 220
exclusion, subtle acts of, 160–163, 166–167. See also microaggressions
favoritism threat, 143
fight-or-flight reaction, 35, 39
“flip it to test it,” 125, 210
Frankl, Viktor, 38
frenemies, 28
friendships
with coworkers, 3–4, 20, 22–24
fundamental attribution error, 206–207
gaslighting, 167
gender, 120, 121, 127, 133–134, 142, 150
gender bias, 133–134, 139, 144–146
gender norms, 161
generational differences, 138, 139, 141
generational envy, 140
Gielan, Michelle, 69, 224, 249
goals
helping boss to achieve, 58–59
identifying your, 213–214, 220
Goldman-Wetzler, Jennifer, 217
Goleman, Daniel, 35
gossip, 111, 190, 197, 199, 214–216, 220, 243
Grant, Adam, 205
Grant, Heidi, 70, 77, 79, 81, 109
Groysberg, Boris, 230
Heaphy, Emily, 21
Hendriksen, Ellen, 51
human resources (HR), taking problems to, 228
hypercompetitive colleagues. See political operator
illegitimate tasks, 138
incivility, 24–25, 27, 144, 165, 245
incompetence, 52, 53, 55, 122, 187–188
information sharing, 61, 63, 175–176
background on behavior of, 51–54
being nonthreatening to, 59–60
characteristics of, 49–50, 254
complimenting, 60
expressing gratitude and appreciation for, 60–61
helping to achieve goals, 58–59
phrases to use with, 62
questions to ask yourself about, 55–57
restoring sense of control to, 60, 63
insecurities, 122–123, 124, 151, 187–188
intelligence, ascription of, 160–161, 163
interpersonal conflict. See conflict
interpersonal relationships
interpersonal resilience, 9, 204, 245–247
interruptions
tactfully addressing, 128–129, 132
Jana, Tiffany, 160
journaling, 244
Kendi, Ibram X., 165
Kets de Vries, Manfred F. R., 89, 90
addressing interruption from, 128–129, 132
appreciating contributions of, 126
asking for facts and data from, 130, 133
background on behavior of, 118–123
characteristics of, 117–118, 255
costs of working with, 123–124
modeling humility for, 130–131, 133
preempting interruptions from, 126–128, 132
questions to ask yourself about, 124–126
leaders
See also boss
Lencioni, Patrick, 114
liars, confronting, 196–197, 198
Maner, Jon, 188
mansplaining, 120–121, 127, 132, 133–134
McKee, Annie, 244
“me against them” mentality, 210–211, 220
mental health, maintaining your, 241–251
Merchant, Nilofer, 78
addressing directly, 169, 175–176, 179
coalition building to address, 176–177
defensiveness about, 176
emotional response to, 173
questions to ask yourself about, 167–171
reporting, 171
responding with question to, 173–174, 178
sharing information about, 175–176
See also biased coworker
Minuchin, Salvador, 219
Murthy, Vivek, 22
naive realism, 206
negative outlook, 69–70, 74, 89. See also pessimist
negativity, 67, 68, 76, 81, 83, 91. See also pessimist
Nelson, Shasta, 3
Nkomo, Stella, 162
avoiding getting dragged into, 192–193
corporate culture and, 191
gossip and, 190
underrepresented groups and, 188–189
in virtual work environments, 189
See also political operator
online disinhibition effect, 165
Opie, Tina, 173
organizational culture, 103, 148–149, 170, 191, 238
passive-aggressive peer, 99–116
avoiding labeling, 107
background on behavior of, 101–104
characteristics of, 99–101, 254–255
conflict avoidance and, 103
costs of working with, 104–105
fear of failure or rejection and, 102–103
questions to ask yourself about, 105–107
people of color
promotions and, 73
self-doubt and, 53
social identity threat and, 142
See also underrepresented groups
Perel, Esther, 3
performance, impact of negative relationships on, 24–25
performance reviews, 23, 36, 54–55, 158, 246
perspectives
respecting others’, 205–207, 220
viewing from another’s, 211–213
background on behavior of, 69–74
boundary setting with, 224–225
challenging assumptions of, 79–80
characteristics of, 67–68, 254
legitimate concerns of, 76
looking at in positive light, 77–78
phrases to use with, 82
questions to ask yourself about, 75–77
See also victim
background on behavior of, 185–190
characteristics of, 183–185, 256
questions to ask yourself about, 190–192
Porath, Christine, 24–25, 27, 34, 245
positivity, 83
cult of, 76
power
prejudice, 159, 165, 208. See also bias
premature cognitive commitment, 37–38
Pressner, Kristen, 125
prevention-focused people, 70–71
principles for getting along
avoiding “me against them” mentality, 210–211, 220
awareness of own biases, 208–210, 220
experimenting with tactics, 216–217, 220
focusing on what you can control, 204–205, 220
identifying goals, 213–214, 220
respecting others’ perspectives, 205–207, 220
problem-solving pondering, 44
promotion-focused people, 70–71
psychological safety, 106, 167
psychopaths, 52
public accountability, 111–114
“queen bee” trope, 144–146, 150
racism, 91, 127, 139, 160, 164, 165
reactions, observing your, 38–39
relationships
interpersonal (see interpersonal relationships)
remote work
biased behavior and, 165
disconnection and, 4
office politics in, 189
resilience, 9, 22, 23, 204, 245–247
Roberts, Laura Morgan, 166
rumors, 216. See also gossip
sacrifices, 138, 140, 150, 154, 155
self-promotion, 193–194, 226–227
Sheppard, Leah, 144
situation-behavior-impact feedback model, 175
Smith, Ella Bell, 162
social identity threat, 142–143
stress
brain and, 42
health impacts of, 26
impact on cognitive abilities, 5–6
microaggressions and, 166
from negative interactions, 9, 20
Sue, Derald Wing, 160
Sutton, Bob, 228, 229–230, 237, 238
Tawwab, Nedra Glover, 224
tendency for interpersonal victimhood (TIV), 89
text-based communication
misunderstandings with, 4
avoiding unhealthy competition with, 151–152
background on behavior of, 139–143
changing balance of power with, 152–153
characteristics of, 137–139, 255
costs of working with, 143, 147
organizational culture and, 148–149
phrases to use with, 154
questions to ask yourself about, 147–149
transgressions, documenting, 226–227
“two-minute drill,” 224
underrepresented groups, 142
unhealthy relationships, consequences of, 24–28
universal values, 236
unproductive approaches, 233–239
values, universal, 236
background on behavior of, 89–90
characteristics of, 87–88, 254
encouraging to take responsibility, 94–95
offering validation to, 93, 96
phrases to use with, 96
questions to ask yourself about, 91–92
validity of complaints of, 91–92
victim mentality, 70, 89–90, 97
virtual work environments. See remote work
Washington, Ella, 166
Wasserman, Noam, 27
Webb, Caroline, 235
well-being, as priority, 241–251
women
mistreatment of, by other women, 144–146
overconfidence bias and, 120
“queen bee” trope, 144–146, 150
social identity threat and, 142
work friends, benefits of, 22–24
work from home. See remote work
workplace gossip, 111, 190, 197, 199, 214–216
work-related stress, 21. See also stress