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Self-Defeating Habits of Otherwise Brilliant People®

“Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more
complex and more violent. It takes a touch of genius,
and a lot of courage, to move in the opposite direction.”

—Albert Einstein

When goals go awry, the temptation to blame others is a plucky con-artist that insidiously weaves itself into the fabric of our workplaces. Often, with the implicit support of our organizations, “us vs. them” mentalities walk out the front door with our most precious assets: trust, morale, talent, and productivity.

In the following pages, you will find step-by-step strategies for avoiding, or extracting yourself from, conflict-driven drama and hostility in the workplace.

We are painfully aware that positive energy is diminishing in our society and world, and loneliness is on the rise. The workplace is somewhat shielded by societal trends, but it is not immune, and many of us experience a steady erosion of good-natured camaraderie at work. As one client put it, “Relationships aren't what they used to be.”

Hostility, stress, and depression are on the rise

Whenever anxiety and stress dominate a society, self-righteous indignation, irritability, and blame beckon with the false promise of relief.

If we fail to stem the tide of disrespect, our collective future is frightening. Imagine a society that becomes more and more dominated by hostility, rage, incivility, and mistrust.

Many individuals are resigned to increased hostility in our world. Perhaps civility and respect is passé, old-fashioned, or a remnant of a more innocent time that we'll never see again. But no reasonable person wants this trend to continue.

With skill and courage, we can make our workplaces a haven from, rather than an extension of, escalated conflict, incivility, and disrespect.

If you adopt and practice the strategies in this book, you'll experience a decrease in anger and depression, benefit from better health and resiliency, hone your ability to painlessly resolve tough issues, preserve alliances that are critical to your career and well-being, and create a legacy of achievement, integrity, and respect.

What we will cover falls into three broad categories:

1. The necessity of positive energy at work, including how to:
   • Protect your health and well-being from the corrosive effects of incivility.
   • Lower your stress levels.
   • Create experiences of connectedness, which is an indispensable source of energy at a cellular level.
   • Win the performance and emotional lottery.
2. Insights into the causes and cures of the current hostility dilemma, including:
   • How to build life-long alliances rather than turning hurting, insecure colleagues into adversaries.
   • The benefits of being hard on the problem, soft on the people.
   • When we're most vulnerable to the bright lights of contempt.
   • Why people and personalities are usually not the root cause of conflicts and where to focus instead.
3. Specific strategies, including how to:
   • Transform ugly, toe-to-toe confrontation into a side-by-side search for solutions.
   • Avoid being drawn into adversarial factions.
   • Use reciprocity in your favor and turn Cycles of Contempt into Cycles of Courage.
   • Change the trajectory of blame-based conversations.
   • Open the dialogue with a 96 percent chance of a positive outcome.

The daily blitz of aggravations and frustrations is part and parcel of modern life. Our lives are so saturated with stress that if we do not consciously decide how to react, our nervous and cranky brains quietly determine who we become, and how we are seen by others.

The price of contempt

Although workplaces do not have a line item for the costs of contempt, the price tag is cold, hard cash. In one of the following chapters, we'll look at a case study in which the principles outlined in this book saved the organization millions of dollars.

When mistrust contaminates interactions between people or departments, collaboration stops, problem-solving becomes biased, information is distorted, conversations become malicious, and speculation slants to the negative. When teams becomes obsessed with building invisible walls, opportunities for improvement and growth are abandoned. Self-oriented behavior becomes the norm. Paranoia replaces passion, cynicism replaces commitment, fear dulls enthusiasm and pride. When being visible is too big of a risk, creativity and innovation suffer. Employees lay low and dig in.

To my knowledge there isn't a comprehensive index of hostility levels by industry, geography, or across time. However, you can review statistics on costs and causes of negativity in society and workplaces by skimming a list of discrete, but related, findings.

Climate change, anxiety, depression, and anger

• The World Negative Experience Index compiled by Gallup and based on 1,000 interviews in 147 countries, tilted more negative in 2017 than in the last decade. The index tracks people's experiences of stress, anger, sadness, physical pain, and worry.
• Two hundred million individuals will be displaced due to climate change by 2050, in essence becoming “ecoimmigrants” (Fritze et al., 2008).
• G. Albrecht coined the term “ecoanxiety” to describe the chronic or acute reaction to climate-related loss of property, community, social ties, identity, and place.
• Worldwide, suicides are ranked as the second leading cause of death among young adults aged fifteen to twenty-nine, with 804,000 suicide deaths occurring worldwide in 2012, according to the 2018 World Health Organization report.
• 54 percent of respondents in forty nations believe climate change is a very serious problem, according to a Pew Research Center report published in April of 2016.
• As the world warms, frustration and aggression increases, which results in more anger and violent crimes (Ranson, 2012).

Loss of well-being in the United States

• Twenty-nine percent of Americans believe that an armed rebellion might be necessary in the near future to protect their liberties from government intrusion (Cassino, Jenkins, 2013).
• Nineteen percent of Americans suffer from anxiety disorder, and an estimated 31 percent of US adults experienced an anxiety disorder at some time during their lives according to a 2017 study by the National Institute of Mental Health (US).
• A 2017 Gallup poll found that 67 percent of lower-income Americans personally worry “a great deal” about hunger and homelessness. In middle-income and upper-income families, the figures are an astonishing 47 percent and 37 percent, respectively.
• Forty percent of American families reported that they struggled to meet at least one of their basic needs (health care, housing, utilities, or food) during the last year (Karpman, Zuckerman, and Gonzalez, Urban Institute, 2018).
• Approximately 40 percent of Americans are “perched on the edge” with vast numbers of middle-class Americans saying they would be unable to cover an unexpected $400 expense. Despite fears of idleness, Philip Alston, the author of the UN study, found that only 7 percent of benefits recipients (i.e., Medicaid) are not working. The majority receiving benefits are working full-time jobs, in school, or giving full-time care to others.
• The percent of elderly (aged sixty-five and older) filing for bankruptcy showed a two-fold increase, and an almost fivefold increase in the percent of older people in the bankruptcy system. Of all Americans filing for bankruptcy, older filers rose from 2 percent in 1991 to 12 percent in 2018 (Thorne, Lawless, and Foohey).
• According to a 2018 American Psychiatric Association study, 68 percent of Americans felt “anxious” or “extremely anxious” about “keeping myself or my family safe” and that 39 percent of Americans feel more anxious that they did a year ago.
• In the United States, suicides increased 28 percent between 1999 and 2014 and were the second leading cause of death for young people aged ten and thirty-four in 2016. There were more than twice as many suicides as homicides, according to data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
• Nearly half of Americans (47 percent) report feeling alone or left out, and 43 percent feel their relationships are not meaningful and feel isolated from others. Based on interciews with 20,000 US adults, the loneliest Americans are eighteen to twenty-two years old, according to the 2018 “Cigna US Loneliness Index.”
• The Southern Poverty Law Center found 954 hate groups operating in the United States, close to an all-time high since they started monitoring nearly thirty years ago, including a 22 percent increase in neo-Nazi groups from the previous year, as reported in their 2017 data.
• Hate crimes in general rose more than 17 percent in 2017, the third straight year that such attacks have increased, according to data released by the FBI. Law enforcement agencies reported it was the biggest increase in more than a decade.
• Road rage involving a firearm doubled between 2014 and 2016, from 214 incidences to 623 according to Trace, a nonprofit news organization (Biette-Timmons).
• Approximately two-thirds of driving fatalities involve aggressive driving (Goodwin et al., 2015, National Highway Traffic Safety Administration).
• More than 78 percent of US drivers admitted to aggressive driving in a 2014 study by AAA. In a survey of more than 2,700 drivers, almost 4 percent exited their vehicles to confront another driver, and 3 percent (57 million in the last year) admitted to bumping or ramming another vehicle on purpose.

Incivility at work

• In a Pan-European opinion poll, 59 percent of respondents report that one of top three workplace stressors was being “subject to unacceptable behaviors such as bullying or harassment” (European Agency for Safety at Work–EU-OSHA, 2013).
• Ninety-eight percent of individuals have reported experiencing rude behavior in 2011, and half said they were treated rudely at least once a week, up from a quarter in 1998. Eighty percent lost work time worrying about the incident, 66 percent said their performance declined, and 78 percent said their commitment to the organization declined (Porath, and Pearson in Harvard Business Review, 2013).

  Incivility usually arises not from malice but from ignorance.

  —Christine Porath

• The vast majority of workplace bullies are bosses (Workplace Bullying Institute, Williams, 2011).
• The impact of rudeness on performance is astonishing. Medical teams (one physician and two nurses) were given a cognitive task in a simulation of diagnosing a seriously ill infant. Half of the teams were interrupted twice by a rude doctor and half were interrupted but without disrespect. The teams that experienced the two rude interruptions had a 52 percent drop in performance compared to the other teams! The disrespected teams overlooked data that was right in front of them, struggled with comprehension, and accessing their working memory (Riskin et al., Pediatrics 2015).

  Even the mild incivility common in medical practice can have profound, if not devastating, effects on patient care. . . . Not only does rudeness harm diagnostic and procedural performance of practitioners, it also seems to adversely affect the very collaborative processes that might otherwise allow for teams to compensate for these effects.

  —Riskin et al., 2015

• In an experiment to assess the impact of incivility on customers, an employee was treated rudely by another worker. Twenty percent of the potential customers who witnessed the event said they would use the bank's services in the future, compared to 80 percent who had not witnessed the uncomfortable exchange (Porath, MacInnis, and Folkes).
• Both Millennials and Gen Ys (born after 1980) show signs of increased narcissism compared to previous generations. Citing multiple studies of empirical evidence, Twenge found that values have shifted toward extrinsic (fame, image, and money) and away from intrinsic (affiliation and community), which results in less empathy, less concern for others, and less civic engagement (Twenge, 2013).

We used to be friends

Anxiety and incivility is taking a toll. When we listen closely, we hear accounts of workplace conflict in almost any setting, including coffee shops, airports, family gatherings, book clubs, and gyms. These negative experiences spill into our personal lives and can permanently damage our view of human nature.

Tales of lost loyalty, mistrust, and fear occur so frequently that most people believe these negative experiences are inevitable. We become fearful and observant about who's “in,” who's “out,” who's in the closed-door meeting, and who's going out for drinks after work.

We care deeply about our work, reputations, and status within our teams and groups. Consequently, experiences of simmering conflict and workplace clashes are among the most distressing events of modern life. We have all listened to stories of workplace conflict with the accompanying themes of depression, self-doubt, anger, and despair.

As conflict and fear escalate, our reactions become more counterproductive and more destructive. Negative, blaming reactions are explosive and traumatizing because no one wants to be excluded from the group. I am often struck by the anxiety that borders on panic, when individuals sense their reputations, and therefore their inclusion in the group, are at risk. Our drive to belong to a clan, family, or workplace team is a powerful, ancient instinct. Behaviors that appears aggressive and unreasonable are often the anxious attempts of an unskilled person who is struggling to stay in their workplace community, struggling to be heard, and struggling to be included.

Most of us also have our own stories of workplace drama. Superficially, we might tell these stories because we want validation for our point of view. However, at a deeper level, we are grappling with questions about ourselves and human nature.

• We were friends for years, and we trusted each other. What happened?
• If disagreement could destroy our relationship, are all my alliances at risk?
• Should I pull back from other work relationships and become more aloof?
• What's wrong with me? Why couldn't I fix this?

We will explore answers to these questions. And we will look at the triggers of destructive conflict and mistrust, not only to resolve them, but to avoid them as well. By the end of this book, you will know how to keep disagreement from becoming a center-stage drama and fragmenting your team, department, organization, or family.

With hope, desire for connection overrides fear

Individuals are often skeptical that groups can sustain positive energy over time, but the other two options (hostility or disengagement) are so miserable that most clients are conscientious about preserving positive gains. In the 300 conflicts I've worked through, only once did we fail to achieve a resolution that lasted. There is tremendous relief in connection.

When teams have confidence in a conflict resolution process and facilitator, the speed at which emotions shift surprises everyone. Even in highly adversarial settings, when the journey toward resolution begins, employees and leaders join the process with relief. When projects are announced, there is inevitable grousing, but once we start, individuals pitch in. If confidential interviews are the first step, everyone arrives on time and ready to share. If we offer a seminar, everyone not only attends, they also participate and become energized. Leaders and employees are typically gobsmacked over the group's sudden energy and enthusiasm. When teams believe that the process could work they pull together, suspend self-oriented behaviors, and arrive at meetings with sleeves rolled up, ready to engage.

In later chapters, you'll learn that the drive to be connected in healthy, productive communities runs deep in our psyches. Anthropologists tell us that cooperation is an ancient practice and critical to adaptation—the cornerstone of life itself. We realize that healthy communities are the only way to achieve goals that none of us can accomplish alone. The motivation to reconcile exists, we need only remove barriers to its unfolding. When we transform negative cultures into climates of respect and appreciation, we win the energy lottery.

Hoodwinked by the bright lights of contempt

Dignified individuals with MBAs, astronomical IQs, and PhDs make the mistake of retreating into contempt. How does this happen?

There's an obvious temptation that accompanies cutting sarcasm and ridicule. The “payoffs” are so much fun. A good zinger draws a crowd and a guffaw. It is aggressive, it is adrenaline, and it is a kick. However, indignation and aggressive reactions are attractive only if we observe the situation for the short-term.

Unfortunately, the negative repercussions of denigrating others (which we will cover in subsequent chapters) are hidden and delayed. However, when we become aware of the invisible costs of contempt we are deeply motivated to sidestep the attraction.

We'll see in later pages that despite our fears, blame and aggression are not human nature. Darwin's findings were overwhelmingly focused on the ability of our species to adapt to changing environments, not survival of the fittest. We don't have to roll over and allow negativity to roll over us. We'll see how the tide can be turned.

Does this material stick?

When I return to a client site for a new project or to conduct another seminar, attendees from previous years proudly lead me to their work areas where materials from the class still hang on their walls.

Individuals are drawn to these techniques because they offer a less aggressive way of handling frustration. Competent reactions resonate with our desires to be appreciated and to appreciate. They appeal to our better nature and confirm that we can make permanent gains in our efficacy. The habits we'll explore help us build tenacious friendships and sweeten the workplace with warmth.

The only thing we have to let go of is the vindictive jolt of energy that comes from blame and self-righteous indignation. It's a small loss compared to the ocean of achievement and positive energy that we can create and embrace.

Three cultures at work

When I arrive for a conflict resolution project, teams are typically in high negative energy. In one executive team the twelve members couldn't make it through a meeting without someone storming out. However, as we worked to resolve the core issues of their anger, their energy dropped. Previously they had been energized by hostility, and now they had nothing holding them together. I realized there is another source of energy that we tap at work: the energy of connection and appreciation.

Figure 1.1. Three cultures at work.

I think about these three common workplace cultures—hostile, indifferent, and connected—on a continuum shown in Figure 1.1. On the left are the negative emotions, in the middle is depression and isolation, and on the right end are cultures of commitment and collaboration.

The vertical scale measures the amount of energy these emotions create; energy increases as we move upward. We can see two peaks of energy, at the negative and positive ends, and the loss of energy in middle.

The type of energy in which we live and work has a tremendous bearing on our well-being. Think of different groups to which you belong, such as your current place of work, past jobs, your high school, family gatherings, faith communities, political parties, special interest groups, sports teams, and so on.

You might describe highly negative groups as tense, frightening, irrational, destructive, foolish, wasteful, and tragic. Individuals don't feel safe, they avoid interactions, they skip meetings, and often dread coming to work. Team members experience “Sunday night insomnia.” The energy at the left end of the continuum can be dramatic, loud, and manic. High tension is covered up in meetings and explodes later in mean-spirited analysis of another individual's behavior. Anger can be a rush, but feelings of hostility are toxic to our bodies, and incivility and rudeness take a negative toll on performance.

Let's move further to the right on the continuum toward groups that are disengaged. You have probably experienced a job environment with low energy. The culture is dominated by apathy, malaise, or boredom. Solitude and isolation are so uncomfortable that they are used as a punishment in prison. Cultures in the middle of our mental model feel the worst.

One of the most heartbreaking costs of this energy is team members stop thanking and acknowledging each other's contributions. Without this critical feedback, no one knows where they stand or if their efforts are appreciated. In Chapter Three we'll see that without connection, individuals truly suffer.

Employees who work in isolation, or low-stimulus jobs, are especially vulnerable to misbehaving. Employees will do almost anything to escape tedium. This has been borne out in studies of security guards. To avoid a night of mind-numbing boredom, security workers create energy by playing practical jokes, gossiping, and committing minor acts of sabotage.

Anger is toxic to our bodies, but at least we have energy to get out of bed. With indifference (which can gravitate into depression), we feel lousy and we lack energy. Consequently, if your team is struggling with escalated conflict we can't simply move away from hostility, reduce tension, and consider the job done. We have to continue our work until team members once again experience the energy of connection. You'll discover that once team members reconnect within a culture of safety and camaraderie, they start to identify solutions that were unattainable just days ago. For many individuals, identifying and implementing solutions is their biggest source of positive workplace energy, hence when achievement diminishes, many employees feel adrift.

Let's move toward good news and the right end of the continuum to cultures based on connectedness and appreciation. Once again energy increases, and we find groups that are pulling together in phenomenal ways. In these cultures, pitching in and going above and beyond one's job description are everyday norms. These environments are productive, fun, energizing, creative, surprising, respectful, and affirming. The atmosphere is loaded with personal and professional advantages. Later, we will explore how this orientation increases effectiveness, prolongs our lives, and decreases our risk for developing deadly diseases. We will also look at data that suggests we are hardwired to connect to each other. We do our best work when we are energized by camaraderie and achievement.

What's the barrier?

If positive energy has so many advantages, why aren't more workplaces driven by camaraderie and trust? My first theory was that the type of energy groups create at work are driven by money. Perhaps groups at the hostile left end of the continuum experience layoffs or budget cuts, and groups at the positive end are successful with no financial worries.

However, my theory didn't pan out. I worked at prestigious law firms that were flush with cash, but had extremely hostile cultures. And I consulted at a small manufacturing company that was laying people off, and they were one of the most bonded groups I'd witnessed in thirty years. I watched as Mikhail, the human resource manager, spoke to the group of employees that were leaving, and tears were running down his face.

He told them this was the worst day of his life. When he finished his presentation several individuals came up to comfort Mikhail and give him a hug. Despite their financial hardships, this group was connected!

Clearly it wasn't money that was making the difference. I started wondering if it had something to do with how employees and leaders respond to frustration.

Thirty heart hassles a day

In QR: The Quieting Reflex, Charles Stroebel, MD, found that we experience an average of thirty “heart hassles” a day. He describes these as moments of “irritating, frustrating, or distressing mini-crises.” If you multiple thirty a day by 365 days in a year, that's more than 10,000 a year! Then multiply that number by every employee, leader, client, customer, supplier, and family member. No wonder many of us struggle to feel on top of our game!

Becoming aware of how you react to frustration will change your life because every one of our responses creates positive or negative repercussions (reciprocity) that accumulate throughout our lives.

Frustrations accumulate and amplify

Frustrations can be caused by an acute crisis or the minutia of day-to-day activities. Frustration is a constant, and if we fail to maintain our composure, the residue of each individual annoyance accrues and mounts.

Incidences of frustration are not isolated. A poorly handled frustration in the morning sets us up physiologically for increasingly negative reactions as the day unfolds. When we don't handle aggravations well, it not only makes the next irritation more difficult to manage, but we can become estranged from our personal and professional networks. We lose access to warmth, laughter, joking, light-hearted chatter, compassionate advice, and friendly sounding boards. Life feels lonely and barren.

Having a skill set that allows you to maintain mood and momentum during periods of high stress is a critical life proficiency. Even though frustration is one of the most predictably disruptive aspects of modern life, your ability to manage it is seldom addressed.

Two sources of energy

While at a conference, I stumbled on the work of HeartMath, a nonprofit research organization in Boulder Creek, California, that does research into the physiology of energy. HeartMath uses biofeedback data to understand and manage the energy of emotions. Although our organizations do very different work, we came to the same conclusion: there are two primary sources of energy.

Figure 1.2. Heart-rhythm patterns. Courtesy of HeartMath Institute, Heartmath.org.

Figure 1.2 is an electrocardiogram (ECG) of heart frequencies that HeartMath observed while monitoring biofeedback data. In the energy of frustration, there are extreme variations in heart rhythms. The body is working hard, but it is not in sync. HeartMath calls this rhythm “incoherent.” It's like a hardworking engine in need of a tune-up.

In contrast, heart variations during periods of connectedness indicate coherence in the body. In this state, the cardiovascular, immune, hormonal, and nervous systems function efficiently. We experience greater mental clarity and creativity. In Chapter Three, we'll discover that our bodies ache for the energy of connectedness.

Assumption, emotion, behavior

Every time we face frustration—the way we think about it, not the event itself—determines our level of irritation and how effectively we respond. Most of us continuously and unconsciously ask ourselves, “What is the barrier to my goal?”

You can see this in the middle column of Figure 1.3, assumptions trigger emotions, which influence how we behave. Becoming aware of this rapid sequence and being able to recalibrate our thoughts and reactions gives us tremendous leverage over how we respond.

Figure 1.3. Frustration triggers assumptions, emotions, and behaviors.

First, Second, and Third Assumptions

We go down one of three mental pathways when we are frustrated. First Assumption, or blame others, is reflexive and inflammatory, and it targets people and personalities as the source of a problem. This response is a version of “I'm suffering! Who's fault is it?” This assumption results in feelings of indignation. We may start “flooding,” which is the biofeedback word for anger. We'll dive into the physiology of flooding in Chapter Two.

Negative emotions set us up to either attack the person (or group) or avoid them. In the workplace it is often a verbal (not physical) attack and typically it's a criticism of people's competence and character. In the short-term, this reaction triggers a reliable jolt of energy and adrenaline, but it cinches long-term failure, and often we lose the relationship with the person or group we blame. In Chapter Two we'll examine the health risks and consequences of anger.

The other behavior option in First Assumption is avoidance, which is passive and seems like a low-risk behavior. Later, we'll peel this back and see that because work is interdependent, avoidance is a disaster in the workplace.

Second Assumption is a form of harsh self-criticism, and it typically begins to dominate thinking after the adrenaline response fades. This reaction turns the power of contempt inward. This response is similar to, “This is my fault! Why didn't I see this coming?!” It might cause us to feel shameful, depressed, and incompetent. We might withdraw or close down. Self-loathing results in the loss of energy and an increase in hopelessness.

In scholarly studies, First and Second Assumptions are called Personality Attribution. We attribute the cause of the problem to people and personalities (“You're a jerk!” or “I'm the loser!”). Although these reactions are widespread and growing in many forms of society, they don't serve us well. Not only are we not able to solve problems in First and Second Assumption, the emotions are debilitating. When we are psychologically aroused it is similar to being in a cognitive fog.

In Chapter Two, we'll explore how First and Second Assumption are linked. The more we blame others, the more likely we are to turn the arrow of contempt on ourselves when we make a mistake.

The pathway that saves our sanity and productivity

Third Assumption, or Situational Attribution, is a reflective, analytical response, and when problems occur, this thinking pattern focuses on situations, not people. This response keeps us calm and makes us curious. Third Assumption is the only mental pathway that primes us to open the dialogue and solve the problem.

In Chapter Three, we'll explore the benefits of this response to our careers and well-being. However, because of the negativity bias of the brain, this response requires awareness, self-reflection, practice, and discipline.

Our thinking is self-fulfilling

Each of these three choices (hostility, disengagement, and connection) are validated by the people around us and our life experiences.

The seeds for these orientations are set in our family of origin. Fortunately, at any age we can seize control of our energy patterns by paying attention to how we think. Not only can we heighten our awareness of our choices, we also have built-in mentors; later in the book we'll look at how we can use our emotions to get ongoing feedback about the effectiveness of our thinking.

When we get energy from hostility and contempt, blame people for problems, trust only a few select individuals, and view others as adversaries, then our hostile, paranoid feelings and interactions will confirm our beliefs.

Similarly, when we believe that we are essentially alone, that life is meaningless, that effort is unrewarded, that relationships will disappoint, and missed opportunities abound, then our isolation and lack of recognition will confirm our beliefs.

In contrast, when we work hard to build and earn respect, do what it takes to achieve our goals, get a thrill from learning and problem-solving, and reach out to others in times of need, then our social and professional advancements confirm our beliefs.

A senior state agency director who has worked under many different commissioners summarized the differences between these approaches.

Some of our commissioners come out to the field during a crisis, and their goal is to punish people. They immediately create climates of fear and tension. When these commissioners arrive, everyone scatters.

Other commissioners seek to understand how the problem occurred. They express appreciation for people's efforts and invite staff to join in problem-solving. When they arrive, everyone pitches in to get at the root cause of the difficulty. My direct reports love working for the latter, and hate working for the former.

Outside of work, our worldviews are further reinforced by the kind of entertainment, music, friends, and colleagues to which we gravitate. There are so many opportunities to tap into these different perspectives that we unconsciously begin to narrow where we focus our attention.

Where do you and your team fall on the continuum?

You might wonder which of the three categories you and your team could land: hostile, indifferent, or positive. Groups and individuals move to the left (hostility) and right (positive energy) depending on how stressed, exhausted, relaxed, or threatened they feel. However, most teams have a set point that is a fairly good average.

If it's not immediately obvious where you fall on this continuum as an individual, imagine where you would put your closest friends. It is likely your orientations are similar.

If we scan radio and TV stations, we'll find lots of programs that cater to the reflexive, inflammatory energy of contempt. We also can find programs that provide listeners with a more reflective approach. In these broadcasts, the producers seek to uncover the underlying reasons for world and domestic events. These programs are driven to reveal root causes of social ills, create connections, and propose solutions.

These differences reflect unique thinking patterns that we'll look at closely in the following pages. The impact of these reactions on our effectiveness, relationships, mood, and health cannot be overstated as the following parable illustrates with humor and simplicity.

What do we find in the village ahead?

A traveler, walking along a dusty road, sees an elderly man sitting by the roadside. Abruptly he shouts, “Hey! Old man! What kind of people live in the village ahead?”

The elder asks, “What did you find in the village you just left?”

“Scoundrels,” the traveler grumbles, “we drank and gambled, and in the middle of the night I was robbed!”

“Ah,” the elder says wisely, “that's what you'll find in the village ahead.”

A short time later, another traveler on the same route sees the elderly man.

“Tell me,” the second traveler asks kindly, “what kind of people will I find in the village ahead?”

The old man responds with the same question, “What did you find in the village you just left?”

“Oh,” responds the traveler, with obvious merriment, “I really enjoyed the people I met! They were intelligent and generous. We told stories about our journeys and shared our simple meals.”

“Ah,” the elder replied, “That's what you'll find in the village ahead.”

The sage understood that we create our realities through subtle, ongoing choices that reinforce our worldviews. These choices lead us to experiences that we unconsciously anticipate, and find again.

Later in this book you'll learn why the negativity bias of the brain tilts us toward fear-based reactions, how to compensate for this tendency, and consciously make choices that optimize your well-being, happiness, and effectiveness. Jackpot!