Introduction

“I've kept your materials in the top drawer of my
desk for seven years and three promotions.”

—Graham Holden

The behaviors that destroy trust and connectedness are found in every workplace. When toxic behaviors, such as gossip and mean-spirited speculation rise, we can respond in one of three ways. We can join in and add to the downward spiral of negativity, assume change is not possible and ignore the undercurrent of tension, or we can gather up our courage, raise our collective awareness, and move in the opposite direction. This book is testimony to the third choice.

In the process of resolving more than 300 workplace conflicts, I saw time and again that the human longing for respect and dignity is deep and pervasive. Yet I have met thousands of individuals struggling with hostility and mistrust.

We deserve and desire climates of respect, and by reading this book, you will discover why connectedness and trust slips through our fingers, despite our yearnings for relationships grounded in respect and success. You will learn to avoid the common but devastating missteps that 100 percent of my clients have made.

By adopting the strategies in this book you can eliminate workplace drama, boost your career, enhance your health, and increase your well-being. In the stories that follow, you will discover how to transform tension and hostility into connectedness and build relationships that enhance your life and success.

You will see that when we disagree, two disparate reactions, reflective or reflexive, wrestle for our allegiance. The negativity bias of the brain, which is deep-seated and constantly scanning for threat, tilts us toward irritability and annoyance. However, we can become sensitized to this well-intended but troublesome bias, and consciously choose to react with curiosity and concern instead.

I stumbled across the importance of these insights only because I had the privilege of working with relationships on the razor's edge of permanently dissolving, and helping untangle and heal escalated conflicts.

I found the same handful of missteps in every situation, and I was so taken by the significance, yet little known nature, of these seemingly innocent behaviors that I created a seminar to help employees and leaders avoid the common errors that destroy trust. The classes were an immediate hit and have remained so for twenty years. I've turned the essence of our seminars into this script.

This book is broad enough to take in the current landscape of hostility, yet specific enough that you will learn exactly what to do when you face blame, anger, avoidance, and adversarial factions.

Having the ability to convert conflict into connection affects the outcome of every challenge, interaction, and opportunity. Being able to turn irritability into curiosity and concern will enhance your career, relationships, and well-being.

These solutions are compelling answers to universal dilemmas, and you will discover why my clients have often lamented, “Why didn't someone tell me this before?!”