7

Strategies for Calming Others, Calming Self

“One kind word warms
three winter months.”

—Japanese proverb

The world can feel crowded, demanding, and impersonal. Consequently, strategies to refuel and calm our bodies are essential. In this chapter, we will cover specific techniques that replace reflexive reactions (blame others, blame self) with responses that are more useful and effective.

We have already covered the basics of why you should make this life-altering change. You have learned about First, Second, and Third Assumptions; baby in the back seat; the negativity bias of the brain; flooding; heart disease; the thinking pattern associated with depression; the conditions and biochemicals of connection; inflammatory thinking; the helper's high; post-traumatic growth; drama-venting; the nine stages of escalated conflict; adversarial factions; the hidden costs of contempt; and the link between cynicism, hostility, and low self-esteem,

Now let's turn our attention to some of the strategies that make change possible. First, we'll piggyback off the story of the chief and officer, and see how the chief could have bonded with his employee, maintained his integrity, and solved the problem. I will share a template (EASE) I've used dozens of times for calming down a flooded colleague, customer, or family member.

Second, we'll look at how we can stop flooding. There is an abundance of techniques, but I'm going to limit our focus to the ones I found most effective.

Third, we will address changes in our personal lives that support a shift from unhealthy to healthy patterns. Again, it does not work to just stop flooding. That strategy leaves us with no energy, and that is the condition we hate the most. To maintain our gains we must replace hostility with activities and people who sustain our growth.

There are two caveats before we jump into the next technique, EASE. This strategy isn't appropriate if you feel physically threatened. Then it is time to exit or call for help. However, except for extraordinary situations, the anger we face in the workplace isn't physical; it is verbal and emotional.

I also want to share one simple strategy that works if the other person understands the concept of flooding. In both my professional and personal life, I've said to someone who is flooding, “You are being a bit aggressive, and now I am starting to flood. Can you give me fifteen minutes to regain my equilibrium, and then we can try again? I want to give you an answer that is well thought through and works for both of us.” When I use this response and make it about me, not them, the other person apologizes!

In the beginning of your transition to Third Assumption and blame-free thinking, your cronies and colleagues may still invite you to join them in denigrating another person or group. If you have been prone to blaming others in the past, there will be moments when others will expect you to ridicule a well-worn scapegoat, and they may be surprised if you no longer join in.

You can tell people directly that you made a decision to stop engaging in labeling, inflammatory thinking, and targeting others. Tell them your cardiologist insisted!

Many attendees have told me that after attending the seminar they conducted mini-seminars with their family and colleagues, explained the three thinking patterns, baby in the back seat, and flooding. One attendee told me that soon after he shared the material with his children, they started saying, “Daddy, don't flood.”

If you prefer, you can make the transition so seamless and effortless that others won't even notice that you no longer join in when a group starts ridiculing a favorite target. Your supervisor, colleagues, and direct reports may be puzzled when you seem less reactive and more analytical, but most likely they will not be able to pinpoint the exact nature of your change.

EASE: empathy, appreciation, search for solutions, explore

We can quickly see the advantages of sidestepping an invitation to blame someone by returning to the situation of the police officer from the previous chapter. That scenario is a perfect example of a direct report setting up his supervisor to blame the boss's boss. How naughty, and yet simultaneously delicious!

A quick summary of the facts: three officers were paged out of a seminar to respond to a resident who had barricaded himself in an apartment with a small arsenal of guns. With great skill and courage, the officers convinced the gunman to surrender.

As we build on this story, we imagine one of the officers returning to his desk and finding an email from the mayor that denies the chief's request for upgraded bulletproof vests. The officer, who is still dealing with the after effects of a high-risk situation, sees the memo, floods again, and storms into his chief's office to blast the mayor.

In our original scenario, the chief does everything wrong. He surrenders to the temptation of attributing the department's problems to someone who is not in the room and targets the mayor, which results in an abundance of hidden costs. The chief reacted reflexively to his officer's frustration, and he paid a price for his behavior. It's in our best interests to have a plan for these situations.

How do we calm someone who is flooded? In the following template, we'll see how the chief can calm and bond with his officer, preserve his pride in the organization, and move closer to his goal. This is Third Assumption at its best.

I named this strategy “EASE” because each letter stands for a step in the process. The technique utilizes the same principles that Michael and Julie Weisser used intuitively when they defused the anger of Larry Trapp, the KKK's grand dragon. In a sense, this is a hardheaded search for solutions combined with warmth and appreciation. As Larry discovered, even he was unable to resist this approach.

When you use this technique with someone who is flooded, he or she will drop the energy of negativity in a heartbeat for a chance to feel the calming energy of genuine appreciation.

There are four steps to EASE: empathy, appreciation, search for solutions, and explore.

First we'll apply EASE to the chief's situation, then we'll shift and give you an opportunity to respond to a situation you would like to improve.

1. Be empathic to the speaker's frustration

Empathy does not mean we have to agree with a frustrated speaker, although we may. Genuine empathy requires feeling another person's expressed and unexpressed emotions.

Let's return to Trevon, the officer from the previous chapter. The first step takes discipline because it requires that we pay attention to what he is saying. We cannot rehearse our pushback or our own grievances about the targeted person and expect to respond to Trevon's frustration effectively. We need to quickly size up the essence of his distress. The more we get in his shoes and accurately understand his perspective, the more he will calm down and listen when we summarize the reason for his anger. Connecting is calming.

Trevon will become more agitated and aggressive if he feels his concerns have been dismissed (“You don't have it so bad!”) or minimized (“It could be worse. The county is down two sheriffs. Quit complaining!”). Listening to the exact nature of Trevon's discomfort and seeking to understand his frustration bonds the speaker and the listener.

Imagine you are the chief of police and Trevon has returned from the dangerous assignment. He is justifiably frustrated about finding an email that denies the upgraded safety equipment. We can help him manage his anger if we acknowledge his frustration.

First, the chief should react to the reality of the officer's situation. He can acknowledge that returning from a dangerous run and finding the email is infuriating. The chief can understand that the officer's reaction makes sense. Trevon is having strong, negative reactions because he fears his safety is not a priority.

If you were the chief, what would be your opening statement?

2. State your appreciation for his or her commitment, expertise, and efforts

Helping a colleague or customer shift their physiology of anger to the energy of appreciation is one of the most effective ways to alleviate the discomfort that accompanies flooding. This approach requires both knowledge about the person's behavior and having an open heart. If we are not feeling empathy and appreciation for the human being seated before us, we will not be effective.

Often, when individuals flood, it is because they don't feel valued or acknowledged. In step two, speak directly to the heart of the issue and give Trevon what he craves: respect for the sacrifices he makes every day that are overlooked or taken for granted. The chief can shift the emotional tone of the conversation by acknowledging the depth of Trevon's commitment to the city, his skills, or courage in handling the dangerous situation to which he responded.

When I use this approach, individuals drop their hostility. They listen intently and start to relax. The key is skillfully recognizing their intentions, contributions, and perhaps disappointment or hurt that their commitment or skill is being overlooked. You may remember that Barbara Fredrickson in Love 2.0 calls connection “sustenance.”

The chief could ask for details about how they disarmed the resident or acknowledge and commend his officers' expertise in handling the incident. Trevon and his fellow officers convinced a resident to surrender—an act that took tremendous skill.

If you were Trevon's supervisor, how would you express your appreciation? What could he say that might motivate Trevon to drop his anger in exchange for the opportunity to hear someone pay tribute to his commitment, service, and professionalism?

3. Speculate about reasons

Trevon is starting to drop his hostility. His shift to Third Assumption will be complete if the chief starts speculating about the mayor or city council's rationale. What “baby” might they have in the back seat?

The chief can take this step even if he does not know the reason or agree with the city council's conclusion. At this juncture, it is important that the chief takes the focus off the mayor's personality and puts it solidly on the situation. The options are limitless. Perhaps the city council is facing a budget shortfall. Possibly they are misinformed about the efficacy of the existing vests. How would you segue the officer from thinking that the problem is incompetent leadership to brainstorming what was behind the mayor and city council's decision?

4. Explore next steps

When the chief addresses the situation in this manner, he has acknowledged that there is a problem and has bonded with his direct report without incriminating the mayor. Now, the chief can identify a specific, measurable next step.

The fourth step is reassuring to a direct report. It's clear the supervisor is more than talk. In most cases, direct reports have no choice but to rely on their supervisor's willingness to act on problems that are important to frontline employees.

The chief could make several suggestions. Perhaps they need to find research about the effectiveness of the existing vests. They could invite the mayor to their next staff meeting to discuss options and barriers or the chief could simply pick up his phone. The chief could invite the officer to a meeting with the mayor so she can hear firsthand how this issue affects morale. Or maybe the chief already knows why the situation is not worth pursuing with the city, and they need to start looking for alternative sources of funding.

Again, take a few minutes to imagine and note a reasonable next step for the chief and his officer.

If we want to eliminate the hazards of blame from our lives, our ability to connect with our colleagues and customers when they're frustrated is critical. I think this is the meaning of the latter half of Einstein's quote in Chapter One, “It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” Emotionally we cannot sit on the sidelines and expect to connect with our colleagues or direct reports at work. We have to step up, take a risk, and become vulnerable.

Calming a colleague or direct report

Following is an opportunity to apply these insights to a situation in your life. Identify an ongoing frustration for you, your direct reports, colleagues, or customers that often results in someone storming into your work area flooded and intent on “drama-venting.” Identify an ongoing frustration and the person or group who typically gets blamed.

1. Empathy

Imagine a colleague interrupts your morning to vent over a leader's behavior. What's a common complaint? How could you bond through the use of empathy—a stated understanding of the frustrations the other person is feeling?

Again, listen for the hurt and wounded pride under anger. Do this without agreeing that the cause of their frustration is a person, department, or group. Acknowledging the speaker's frustration with warmth and understanding is enough to bond.

2. Appreciation

Write a statement or two to appreciate the person and his or her efforts.

You might comment on the speaker's level of expertise, their desire to resolve the situation, the investment they have in work, or more specifically, the actions they have already taken to resolve the problem before coming to you. You may notice that underneath anger is concern about equity or fairness, or a desire for things to run more smoothly.

What words would you use to comment on their commitment, talent, or investment?

3. Search

What “babies” (constraints, demands, pressures) might be in the “back seat” of the leader's “car”? What constraints or pressures might the administrator be facing? Consider budget shortfalls; lack of time, resources, or staff; interruptions; illness; market pressures; safety constraints; shipping problems; poorly designed processes; lack of information; lack of insight into the pressures of the job; operation limitations; bottlenecks; misunderstandings; or lost data. We will cover the most common root causes of workplace frustrations in Chapter Nine.

At this step, I think of myself as the mythical Sherlock Holmes: dispassionate, analytical, and open to any possibility or surprise. The main goal in this step is to replace negative assumptions and judgments about personalities with curiosity about pressures or constraints of the setting. Assume that the boss is reasonable and invested in doing a good job.

Your assumption that there is a reason for the supervisor's behavior (Third Assumption) rather than he or she is a jerk (First Assumption) can be stated simply. It can be as commonplace as, “The boss isn't usually late. She's under a lot of pressure right now trying to finish up her yearend report and budget. Maybe she forgot. I'll text her.”

Brainstorm known or possible constraints and pressures of the other party in the situation you identified. It's amazing how quickly you will be able to think of possibilities once you shift to Third Assumption. Note possible situational reasons for the predicament you are addressing.

4. Explore

What actions might your direct report or colleague take to open the dialogue and problem solve? What might be a reasonable first step? A conversation? Arranging a cross-functional meeting? Identify three or four steps.

The alternatives to blame take skill and courage, but they are simple and effective; they are easily within reach, and just like flooding, they can become a default reaction to disagreement and frustration.

How to stop flooding: regret, awareness, choice

If we flood regularly in response to frustration, we will be sorely disappointed if we expect to never lose our tempers again. Like most habits, we can't flip a switch and make flooding go away. It takes time and effort to rewire the brain.

There are three phases to eliminate flooding. The first phase occurs after we have flooded. We relive the event in our minds and realize, “Shoot, I flooded.” Second is awareness as it is happening. This is great progress, because we can shift our thinking to regain control of our emotions. During the third phase, we realize we could flood and choose not to. The pause between event and reaction gives us tremendous freedom and confidence to handle life's irritations and disputes.

Unless we are in imminent physical danger, the reason we flood is not because of the event, but because of our thinking. We can drag ourselves back to neutral and ask again, “What could be rational reasons for the other person's behavior?” This assignment shifts brain activity to the cortex. Let's explore these three phases in detail.

1. Regret after the fact

Our first attempts to stop flooding may come too late to avoid a cascade of adrenaline, hormones, cortisol, and the forceful behaviors that result. Initially, insights will occur after the body has calmed enough to analyze behavior. This may not happen until several hours after the incident. Flooding is such a physiological hit that the rational, analytical part of the brain doesn't come back online immediately. We should not be discouraged. Even noticing our response and calling it by its medical term, flooding, is progress!

If we make a commitment to stop flooding and then become angry regardless, we should be very careful not to get caught in blame's stinky twin: harsh self-criticism. If we beat ourselves up for “losing control,” we will feel hopeless and stop trying. Flooding is a habit. Reprogramming our minds takes many, many repetitions.

I worked with a construction company on the West Coast that specializes in digging street trenches for utilities. For years the firm tolerated flooding across the company. However, they decided to take a stand on flooding after a passing driver threw trash at one of their crews, and the crew chief, Ricardo, jumped in his truck and chased the driver through city streets.

The company decided on a two-prong approach. They invited me to offer a seminar on the physiology of flooding and preventive strategies, and as a team we created the first draft of a policy on flooding at work.

During the seminar, the employees were thoughtful and reflective and started using the language immediately. A month after my visit I followed up with Ricardo. He told me that although he personally hadn't flooded in the last month, one of his crew flooded at the bank immediately after the seminar!

He said they all laughed about it the next day, and Ricardo reminded the employee that the elimination of flooding is not an overnight undertaking. I love this anecdote, because the crew chief was now coaching his employees. What a great way for Ricardo to embrace the techniques!

Flooding isn't always accompanied with a red face, bulging veins, and outbursts. Women don't flood as quickly and intensely as men. Women tend to have a long, long fuse. However, simmering resentment is just as harmful as the more aggressive forms of flooding. Heart disease is the number-one killer of men and women.

Remember: inflammatory venting doesn't help. Drama-venting makes it more likely that we will flood the next time we face a frustration. The solution is to get our arms around our thinking patterns and train our brain to use different pathways. If we make a commitment to stop, and flood regardless, we can use our regret as motivation

2. Awareness of feelings

Identify the earliest cues that you are losing control. How does your body manifest the emotional stress that is the hallmark of flooding? Is it shallow breathing, a tight gut, or tension in your neck and shoulders? Is it pulsing, pounding, tense, anxious, irritable, or frantic? Learn to identify the early physiological signals of flooding so you can short circuit the reflexive response.

Recognize that if you are flooding, it may be best to walk away to tamp down the cascade of emotions. Later in this chapter, we will look at specific techniques to use if you are actively flooding.

3. Realize there is a choice

In the third phase, we can consciously choose how to react. As the incident is occurring, we realize we can flood or not. Which choice is the most useful to achieve our goal?

Many individuals believe they cannot stop flooding once they lose their temper. However, when I trained to work with domestic abuse victims, police officers reported that the vast majority of aggressors stop their violence when the police ring their doorbell. In many ways, we do have control over our emotions.

Whom do you target at work?

Common workplace targets can include new hires, senior employees, colleagues, bosses, upper management, unions, temps, human resources, IT, other departments, a sister company, and so on.

If you work in a corporation, you or your colleagues might scapegoat engineering, purchasing, operations, sales, the executive team, the stockholders, your president, the CFO, the board, suppliers, customer services, shipping, operators, technicians, OSHA, quality control, your parent company, or another plant or shift.

Targeted groups in government or social services include politicians, clients, citizens, families, youth, corporations, commissioners, legislators, the mayor, PACs, lobbyists, city council, or the governor.

If you work in a college or university, targets are often deans, commissioners, students, faculty, unions, tenured professors, parents, teaching assistants, K–12 education, disciplines, or departments.

The lists are endless. When do you get energy from self-righteous indignation and contempt? When do you and your colleagues use attacks on others as a form of entertainment and stimulation? Again, if no person or group comes to mind, think about your emotions. What people or groups are on your list of pet peeves? When you flood, who is on the receiving end? Whom do you resent? Who makes you mad?

Be honest; this thinking is almost universal. Write down the groups or people that come to mind. You will use this list in Chapter Eight.

Flooding at home

Sometimes we save our worst behavior for the people we love. Many of my clients report that they manage their anger and irritability quite well at work; however, their behavior at home is an entirely different story.

For many, emotional meltdowns occur at the end of the working day, when we face the second wave of daily demands—the drain of maintaining a home and attending to the needs and idiosyncrasies of partners, pets, children, meals, laundry, bills, and errands at a time when our physical and emotional stamina is depleted.

If we flood with children, we damage ties to family members who are a source of pride and intimacy. Children are masterminds at both passive and aggressive responses to adult flooding. They can act out in ways that demand our attention, including depression, truancy, running away, suicide attempts, panic attacks, eating disorders, sexual promiscuity, and chemical dependency. Children create paybacks for emotional attacks and outbursts from their parents. I've worked with more than one CEO who was struggling with this situation.

Flooding at home has serious consequences on the intellectual and physical development of children. If you cannot consistently be a calm and reliable parent, please seek professional help. Look for resources with your doctor, your employee assistance program, a local mental health clinic, loved ones, or your faith community.

Settings or issues that set us off

Some of us do not target specific individuals or groups. We are more vulnerable to flooding and negativity when we face specific situations. We might have a difficult time when we fly, prepare taxes or pay bills, drive in rush hour, attend a sporting event, wait in line, check the stock market, or watch the news. We may have a particular weakness for flooding when technology fails.

Some individuals are prone to overreacting in areas of their lives where they have the least self-confidence. I have fairly strong confidence in my ability to solve conflict, so it takes quite a bit to knock me off center. However, I am relatively inept with technology, and I become frustrated very quickly over what others might consider a minor snafu.

Jot down the situations or places during which you frequently feel irritation or start to flood. See if there's a relationship between a tendency to flood and feeling insecure about your skills in that area.

Techniques that stop flooding

Many people have contributed to the research on cognitive therapy and negative self-talk. Among the most well-known psychologists are Kenneth Burns and Martin Seligman. Their books helped me develop my early insights into the relationship between thinking, mood, and behavior.

As you start to become conscious of your patterns, you can derail the flooding response by paying attention to how you think. If you feel yourself starting to flood, use any of the following techniques.

In Chapter Two, I shared one of my favorite techniques, “Walnut brain.” Here are six more.

1. Ask, “What am I saying to myself? Is it helping me?” We don't have to believe everything we think. When you start feeling tense ask, “Is what I'm saying to myself helping me? Is it strengthening my relationships and helping me reach my goals?” If the answer is no, ask your brain for additional ways to frame the situation.

2. Review the facts. Is there a “baby in the back seat”? Why might this problem exist? We can give ourselves the assignment of generating multiple scenarios of why reasonable people might behave in the manner we are witnessing. As I mentioned earlier, this technique requires that we utilize the cortex.

3. Ask, “Is what I'm saying to myself reasonable and realistic?” It's not necessary to adopt a habit of forced optimism; in some studies, optimism was found to be a less useful coping mechanism than pessimism.

But what about realism? What is reasonable? This question will counter the negativity bias of the brain and our tendency to catastrophize or inflame a stressor. Catastrophizing is defined as the mental rehearsal of everything that can go wrong following a particular event. It is a surefire way to crank up anxiety and dread. Instead, we can ask ourselves, “What's reasonable and realistic?”

4. Finish the following phrase three times. “At least it's not . . .” is the opposite of inflammatory thinking and finishing the phrase multiple times is soothing to the nervous system.

I witnessed an RN use this technique after a driver clipped the rear corner of her car on a freeway. There was considerable damage to her vehicle, and the other driver didn't stop. She was astute enough to know her heart was racing and her blood pressure was soaring. She worked to calm her body by using various versions of “At least it's not . . .” Her dialogue included, “At least I have really good insurance.” “At least when the other car bumped me I stayed in my lane.” “At least no one was hurt.” She was a pro at using this technique to calm her body.

5. Whatever we focus on expands in our minds. During rush-hour traffic, people often tailgate and abruptly change lanes. Many times, when I am in this situation, I start to get tense. Shifting my attention to the people who do not drive that way is an effective antidote. There are lots of people who drive with caution and courtesy. I do not lose track of what the hotheads are doing, but I can lower my stress by not obsessing about their behavior.

6. Say, “I can be effective or self-righteous—pick one.” This is one sentence that I found particularly effective when I was breaking my flooding habit. I still use this phrase frequently while on hold, waiting an endless amount of time for someone to pick up my call. I know that if I become irritable and indignant while I wait, when the service technician finally gets to my call, I will not be able to problem solve.

Before you move on, pick one or two of these techniques, and post it where you will see it frequently. Once it becomes a habit, return to this chapter, and add another skill to your anti-flooding arsenal.

Raise the positivity quotient in your life

Let's look at changes we can make to support positive energy in our lives. The more connectedness and success are within reach, the less we'll be vulnerable to anger and denigrating others.

1. Change channels. In a study by HeartMath, just fifteen minutes of listening to grunge rock resulted in increased feelings of hostility, fatigue, sadness, and tension, and led to significant reductions in mental clarity. If you tune in to music, radio, or TV programs that use inflammatory thinking to draw an audience, consider limiting your time or stop completely. Why allow toxic, negative energy into your life? It will strengthen the neurons that fire reactions of contempt. Are you in a better mood, more effective, or more fun to be around after listening to an hour of hate radio? Inflammatory programs tap reflexive responses. Hate DJs are on a mission to increase ratings and revenues, and they are willing to do it at your expense. Inflammatory programing is not interested in your health or well-being, your ability to parent, or your career.

If we listen to inflammatory radio on the way to work, we will already be irritated when we walk into the office: hormones, adrenaline, and blood pressure will be elevated; and we will be less equipped to handle our daily allotment of frustrations.

2. Exercise! While watching television is one of the least effective activities, it is also one of the most frequently used activities for combating a negative mood. Exercise is one of the most effective. Walk with neighbors, get a pet, hike, hunt, camp in the woods, start a yard project, garden, paint, tinker in the garage and create something to donate, bike, or take the kids for a walk around a lake (a favorite Twin Cities activity) and watch the moon rise.

3. Pay attention to what you eat. High sugar consumption impairs cognitive abilities according to a 2012 study by UCLA authors R. Agrawal and F. Gomes-Pinilla. If breakfast consists of a doughnut and supersized Mountain Dew, our bodies don't have the nutrients they need to sustain calming energy. Foods that are saturated with fat and sugar can upset equilibrium and wreak havoc with mood.

4. Avoid harsh self-criticism. We can make a commitment to identify and eliminate self-blame, as it leads to depression, lack of energy, and the desire to blame others as a means of escaping feelings of hopelessness. In Chapter Eight, we'll look at a technique that helps eliminate harsh, negative feelings about ourselves.

In her groundbreaking book Self-Compassion, Kristina Neff presents research that shows self-compassion results in more personal growth than harsh self-criticism.

5. Take advantage of the helper's high. We deserve the feelings of bliss that are associated with compassion and offering a helping hand. We can find volunteer work that fits our schedules, interests, and talents. We can go out of our way to befriend someone at work. Remember: even small acts of kindness release endorphins.

Improved mental health was more closely linked to giving than receiving help, according to a study of more than 2,000 individuals by behavioral scientist C. Schwartz and colleagues. Don't stop because you think you have nothing to offer. It takes very little to make a difference in another person's life.

In a study of high-risk youth from impoverished neighborhoods and struggling families, Jennifer Crocker of Ohio State University found that the minority of adolescents who did not end up in the juvenile correction system, who resisted crime and drugs, and who finished high school had one consistent trait in common. They answered the following question in the affirmative: “Do you have someone to talk to about the things that trouble you?” One link to a caring individual allowed them to thrive in an environment that overwhelmed their peers. Consider programs similar to Big Brothers Big Sisters, or find individuals in your extended family who would thrive with a bit of extra attention and encouragement.

6. We can surround ourselves with positive people who know how to build and maintain lasting relationships. Every human aches for positive companionship, laughter, and vitality. It's what nature intends. We must do what it takes to replace sources of negative energy with warmth and affection.

We can find positive people who are worthy of our investment at work, in clubs, in faith communities, and in our neighborhood, and we can volunteer at hospitals, food pantries, and youth programs.

People with strong support systems are more likely to avoid disease and maintain higher levels of health. Social support is a natural antidote to tension and stress.

We can find and associate with people who laugh, invest in others, are effective at problem-solving, enjoy long-term intimate relationships, and don't overreact to life's inevitable irritations. These people aren't naïve. As Einstein noted, a harmonious, positive life requires skill. “Any intelligent fool can move in the opposite direction.”

7. Start rituals of appreciation. We can express our gratitude before meals; make a mental list of all the things for which we are grateful before we fall asleep; and write notes, emails, and letters to loved ones. Martin Seligman found that individuals who wrote and delivered a letter of appreciation had long-lasting increases in happiness—on the person who sent the note!

8. Develop a meditation practice or join a faith community. Find a community that increases a sense of compassion and positive energy. People who had open-heart surgery were ten times more likely to survive if they had a network of support and spiritual faith.

9. Find mentors. Like the parable at the end of the first chapter, we can find the people in our “village” who sustain and support our growth. We can spend time with them and watch how they handle tough situations and events. Through observation and conversation, they can teach us about their approaches, philosophy, and skills. They don't have fewer challenges and frustrations than the rest of the world; however, they think about life differently than people who are cynical and hostile, and therefore their lives are dramatically more positive and satisfying.

When my son was a toddler, I often talked to his daycare provider about situations that perplexed me. She taught me very effective techniques for putting him to sleep, avoiding power struggles, and managing temper tantrums. I didn't have these skills beforehand, but I learned I could seek out people who did and learn from them.

10. Use crisis as an opportunity for solidarity. Once we remove blame from our emotional repertoire, problems become opportunities for teams, leaders, and organizations to bond. Situations that once seemed insurmountable become occasions to build new relationships and deepen existing ones.

Without blame, a crisis becomes an occasion to develop new skills and discover previously hidden facets of other people's experiences, training, and capacities. The resulting feelings of achievement and camaraderie reinforce the belief that our colleagues are good people and committed to a worthy cause.

The opportunity and ability to accomplish a task that no one could achieve alone is an ancient, powerful motivator. It is an intrinsic high that makes work meaningful.

Once blame is banished, errors and glitches become opportunities to experience the endorphins associated with the helper's high.

Despite our fears about human nature, multiple studies of natural disasters reveal that unless a population is already distressed, crime rates actually drop during catastrophes. The British called this innate reaction “the blitz spirit,” a self-organized movement of cooperation that developed during the intense and prolonged bombing of England during World War II.

When I visited St. Paul's Cathedral in London, I was touched by the photographs of very young and very old men and women, grandparents, and mothers forming bucket brigades and rescue crews to assist the wounded and save London's most treasured buildings from burning. This ability to create order out of chaos occurred at a time when the municipal government and police departments were barely functioning. This intrinsic instinct to react collectively in groups helps the human race pull together, adapt, and survive.

We can become sensitive to the energy around us and, as much as possible, gravitate toward individuals and groups that support and nurture us.