Change your response
How to change the way that you respond to everything that happens
This is the chapter that explains the ABC Model.1 This is where you learn to change the way that you respond to the troublesome things that happen in your life. It is, quite simply, a life changer.
Both Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy (REBT) and its -better-known cousin Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) are used throughout the world to treat anxiety, depression, addiction, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) and a wide variety of personality disorders. Ours is a coaching model focussing on performance and self-improvement rather than the clinical version of the process.
A key aspect of both REBT and CBT is that they are time-limited. This means that you sign up for a short period, during which you learn how to be your own coach and build new patterns of behaviour into your daily routines. If, in the future, a problem arises, as it almost certainly will, you will know how to tackle it.
The philosophies behind REBT are ancient, dating back to Epictetus in the first century. He was a Stoic philosopher, quoted as saying, ‘Men are disturbed, not by things, but by the view they take of them.’ In other words, it’s not so much what happens to you but the way you respond that matters. A follower of Epictetus, the Roman Emperor Marcus Aurelius, said, ‘Very little is needed to make a happy life; it is all within yourself, in your way of thinking.’ Hundreds of years later, the great bard William Shakespeare writes in Hamlet, ‘There is nothing either good or bad but thinking makes it so.’
REBT and CBT
Modern psychotherapy reinvented this ancient thinking. In the mid 1950s, Albert Ellis, a New York based psychologist, developed REBT to help people to change their irrational thinking and behaviour by highlighting and challenging their unhelpful, rigid beliefs.
Aaron T. Beck, the creator of CBT, followed the same basic model, but focussed on cognitive distortions which are unhelpful types of thinking.
The REBT-based ABC Model is at the heart of this book and the Mind Fitness process. Once you learn to examine your deep-rooted beliefs and attitudes using this, everything changes. You will no longer be vulnerable to the storms of other people. You will stop giving consent to feeling inferior and you will be in control of your emotions. Almost everything else in the book supports this process of change.
The ABC Model
The ABC Model enables the reframing of issues that cause emotional disturbance. In other words it gets to the root of why we get disturbed, why we get upset.
ABC is an acronym:
A – Activating event or Adversity
B – Belief/s you hold about the Activating event or Adversity
C – Consequence of having the Belief about the Activating event or Adversity
Read through that a couple of times. It’s actually a lot simpler than it may at first seem. The best way to illustrate it is to go through the model using a fairly trivial example of day-to-day adversity that most of us experience at some time or other.
You know the sort of day you can have when everything seems to be conspiring against you? I don’t mean terrible things, just a succession of annoying situations that can cause us to feel stressed and agitated. It’s very easy for a situation that is by nature relatively trivial to become something that we manage to lose perspective of. We allow it to become a big issue. It upsets us, creating anxiety. That stresses us and results in a loss of temper or a lack of control of our emotions. We may snap at someone, even punch an inanimate object. Possibly swear loudly and liberally! You know the kind of day we’re referring to. We’ve all been there.
Let’s give a specific situation. You’d like to get to work earlier than usual for an important meeting. You’re late leaving the house because the document you need for the meeting wasn’t in your bag. You search the house, trying to locate it and waste far too much time. You think you may have left it at work, but you can’t be sure. It’s ok, you’ll print off another copy when you get in, although your plan was to prepare during the journey in. Why do you always leave things to the last minute?
Now you’re running really late. You race out of the house and sprint to the bus stop. It starts raining and you realise that you’ve forgotten your umbrella. You arrive at the stop just as your bus is heading off into the distance. There’s a 20-minute wait for the next bus and the indicator is showing a delay. You know that you’ll be late for the meeting. You won’t have time now to print off the document when you get in and you’ll have to busk it. That, on top of turning up late and drenched, will not show you in a good light. You’re really soaked now and getting colder. You’re also becoming seriously stressed. You’re berating yourself for being so stupid. You had to be at the meeting on time and up to speed with the supporting information. What an idiot you are for not preparing everything the night before. Why didn’t you at least read the document through when you had the chance last night, just in case there was a problem? Now you’ll have to take the walk of shame, arriving late at the meeting.
Your colleagues will think you’re incompetent and unprofessional. This is bound to affect your chances of promotion. It’s game over now. You don’t actually merit having a good job. It wouldn’t surprise you if they began a process to force you out.
Does that seem familiar? Can you recall a situation when you made an already unfortunate situation so much worse?
Let’s put this event into the ABC Model:
A - Activating Event or Adversity
In other words, the thing that happens. The situation you find yourself in.
Being late for an important meeting through a wholly avoidable, self-inflicted delay.
Now, I’m going to jump straight to C – Consequences. That’s because it’s something we do without realising. It’s called A to C thinking. This thing happened and it made me feel like this and made me do this.
So, what are the Consequences of this situation? A consequence has several elements.
- Emotional – the emotions we feel about the situation
- Action tendency – this is what we feel like doing even if we don’t act on it
- Behavioural – the behaviour we display – how we react
- Physiological – the physical results (symptoms)
C - The Consequences of our story would look something like this:
Emotional
Clearly, you feel a strong sense of anxiety. And anger. You’re angry that you’ve been so stupid, that you’ve behaved irresponsibly, counter to your usually higher standards. You also feel a sense of shame for letting down your personal rules on professionalism and you’re pre-empting the shame you’ll undoubtedly feel when you eventually arrive late and underprepared at the meeting.
Action Tendency
You want just to go home and call in sick. It wouldn’t be a total lie – you’re feeling pretty bad.
Behavioural
The anger has provoked an aggressive attitude. Swearing under your breath. Mostly damning yourself but, quite possibly, a mistimed comment from someone at the bus stop could be met by a less than friendly response at this stage.
Physiological
Your symptoms include racing heart, not just from the exertion of the journey to the bus stop, but because your Fight and Flight Stress Response has kicked in. You’re upset and you’re dreading the meeting, so your stomach is turning. You’re flushed, again not just because you’ve run for the bus, but because of that stress response. Take a moment to think of a time when you’ve felt and exhibited at least some of these symptoms.
You’re stressed, angry, wet and dejected at the bus stop. You wait impatiently for a bus that may arrive late, making the situation and your stress levels worse as every minute ticks by. You would probably sum up the situation thus:
- I missed my bus because I didn’t prepare as I should have and now I’m going to be late for an important meeting.
- I’m now stressed, angry, upset and when I mess up in the meeting, I’m bound to lose my job.
There’s an important part of this situation missing. Here’s how we can check what that is. We’ll use something called the 100 person rule.
100 Person Rule
If 100 people were in exactly the same situation that you found yourself in, would they all react in the same way? Would everyone get stressed? Would everyone beat themselves up and condemn themselves? Would everyone envisage the worst outcome, regard their colleagues as hostile and uncaring? Think of 100 people in any situation, say 100 recent divorcees. You wouldn’t expect them all to be depressed. Some may be ecstatic, or at least see it as an opportunity to move on. Each person has a unique take in any given situation.
Something is missing from our A to C view of the scenario. It is the Belief. It’s the Beliefs that we hold that govern our response to the Adversity and so govern our response to any situation.
B - Beliefs
Let’s take a look at Beliefs. The first thing to make clear is that we want to challenge the irrational Beliefs that are leading to unhelpful emotions or behaviours. It’s not about overturning your value system or spiritual beliefs. The process works equally well for people with or without what might be considered ‘faith’.
The Beliefs to which we refer are based around our attitudes, the meaning we place on the things in our lives. Our Beliefs are drawn from the personal rules that we hold. As we’ve said before some of these were gained in childhood so are long held and deeply ingrained. They are our truths and they guide us and form the basis of who we think we are.
The Beliefs, these personal truths and values, can help us to be remarkable and to do amazing things. They allow us to be kind, thoughtful, compassionate and selfless. Our Beliefs enable us to uphold personally important values such as generosity, honesty or integrity. Clearly, our Beliefs can be very positive, empowering and beneficial. But what happens when they’re not?
For example what if we have carried, possibly from childhood, a Belief that we are fundamentally stupid? In fact, plenty of us carry this or a version of this negative Belief. We believe that we can’t possibly succeed because we’re not clever enough to do so. It’s likely that such a limiting Belief will lead to a lifetime of missed opportunities. The Beliefs that we hold, our truths, have a fundamental influence on the way we live, on our relationships, our successes and our ultimate happiness.
The word belief belies a complexity of components that can serve us well or trip us up. Our beliefs can limit our opportunities and make us get in our own way. They determine the way that we view ourselves, others and the wider world.
A Belief can be:
Unusual or Commonplace
An unusual belief could be that as I love a drink, I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t. A commonplace belief might be that people must thank me for holding a door open for them. If they don’t show me that common courtesy and sail straight through without acknowledging me in any way, it annoys me, and I react negatively.
True or False
A true belief is that the sun will rise tomorrow (it depends on universal rather than man-made laws).
A false belief is that we must always appear happy, that despite everything, we must always be cheerful.
Realistic or Unrealistic
A realistic belief could be that not everyone likes me. There will always be people who will be indifferent.
An unrealistic belief is that absolutely everyone, without exception, hates me.
Rigid or Flexible
A rigid belief could also be described as absolutist or dogmatic. This must happen. I have to be perfect when I present to the board.
A flexible belief is about preferences. I would prefer to be perfect when I present to the board, but I accept that excellence is the most I can achieve.
Helpful or Unhelpful
Helpful beliefs are those that are beneficial to you – I understand that I cannot possibly be excellent in everything I do all of the time, but I can try my best and aim to be the best I can be.
Unhelpful beliefs tend to fit in around the rigid, unrealistic or false. I must be perfect 100 per cent of the time, and failure to comply with this demand makes me a wholly bad person.
Exercise 4.1: Example Beliefs
Let’s have a quick practice at identifying these. You can use your own beliefs, but if in any section you cannot think of one for you, think of a close friend and see if you can select one for him or her.
A commonplace belief
An unusual belief
A true belief
A false belief
A realistic belief
An unrealistic belief
A rigid belief
A flexible belief
A helpful belief
An unhelpful belief
The beliefs that we hold are formed of our attitudes (how things should or must be), our expectations (how we must behave, how others must behave or how the world must treat us) and our personal rules (our own hard-wired laws of the universe that we hold and defend as though they were real laws). We apply these rules doggedly when judging ourselves (often harshly), others and the world.
Many of us feel that our beliefs make us who we are, from our disposition or nature to our political stance or lack of. It’s because our beliefs are so closely aligned to our sense of identity that we will often defend them even if they are wholly unhelpful. We can only say that the benefits you will reap by taking the road to reframing them will give you a renewed sense of self that is far stronger and more authentic.
Back to the situation
Let’s now look again at our scenario – we’re running late, we’ve missed the bus and we now have the spectre of not arriving at our important meeting on time. Everything seems to be conspiring against us!
Remember we said that, if 100 people were placed in an identical situation, each person would have a different view. That’s how we can discount the A to C scenario that we originally used, the assumption that the activating event leads directly to the consequences. If it did we would all react the same. It doesn’t! It’s the beliefs that we hold that determine the consequences.
Let’s now add the B for Beliefs into the ABC Model.
A – A Being late for an important meeting through an avoidable, self-inflicted delay.
B – Belief/s held about the activating event or adversity (the situation).
I must never be late
It is awful and totally unacceptable to be late
I can’t bear being seen negatively by my colleagues
I am totally stupid. It proves what an idiot I am
C – Consequence of the activating event?
Emotional – Anxiety, anger, shame
Action tendency – To run away
Behavioural – Aggression, swearing
Physiological – Heart racing, stomach churning, flushed, fighting back tears
This illustration demonstrates that it isn’t the event itself that causes the unpleasant consequences, but the unhelpful, rigid and irrational beliefs that we hold. It is these that disturb us. Let’s spend a moment looking at the beliefs that are tripping us up.
- I must never be late. This belief is a rigid, dogmatic, all or nothing personal rule applied as if it was a law. But how rational or reasonable is it to hold such a rigid demand about something that we cannot always control? Sure, in this scenario, we could have left home earlier, so we can take some responsibility for our predicament. But to never ever be late? Is that feasible? Achievable? What is bound to happen at some point? We’re going to be late through no fault of our own and this rigid belief will result in our experiencing the inevitable emotional disturbance. We’re lining ourselves up for a fall. It’s not a matter of if, but when.
- It is awful and totally unacceptable to be late. Of course, being late for anything is not ideal. It can be annoying for others who are kept waiting and can be seen as rudeness. Is it really, truly awful though? We’ll look in more detail at our tendency to ‘awfulise’ or ‘catastrophise’ in Chapter 6.
- I cannot bear to be seen negatively by my colleagues. ‘I cannot bear it’ or ‘I cannot stand it’ are examples of low frustration tolerance which we will look at in Chapter 6. Although the experience is highly unpleasant you can bear it. (We all can bear far more than we instinctively think.)
- I am totally stupid. It proves what an idiot I am. One minor transgression and you’re liable to damn yourself as being totally stupid? All of us can do less than perfect things from time to time. That’s all part of being human. But totally stupid? That’s another huge leap of logic. Does it prove you’re an idiot? Are you actually an idiot? No!
We can now begin to understand how easy it has been to turn an unfortunate, though relatively trivial, situation into an awful one. It hasn’t been the situation itself that has caused us the upset. It’s the beliefs we hold about the situation.
This knowledge is power! We can change the way we think and powerfully and positively alter the consequences of difficult situations. We can use the ABC Model as a mechanism to evaluate a situation, identify our irrational beliefs and adopt the process to change to a more flexible, realistic alternative. In terms of our journey towards confidence and happiness and achieving the potential that is buried inside us, this is gold!
Irrational Beliefs
Before we look closely at the process of change, we should spend a moment understanding more about irrational beliefs.
Irrational Beliefs are:
- Rigid or extreme
- Inconsistent with reality
- Illogical
- Unhelpful to us in pursuing our goals
Exercise 4.2: Identify Those Irrational Beliefs
Using the story example, we are now more easily able to identify the types of irrational beliefs from these lists. So, from the four beliefs that we identified in our being late story, allocate the types of irrational belief to each statement that you think is applicable.
Types of Irrational Beliefs:
- Demands
- Awfulising
- Low frustration tolerance
- Self/other/life depreciating
Jot down a note by each to say why:
- I must never be late
- It is awful and totally unacceptable to be late
- I cannot bear being thought of negatively by my colleagues
- I am totally stupid; it proves what an idiot I am
Disputing
With your new-found knowledge, you’ll get increasingly used to identifying your own and other people’s irrational, unhelpful beliefs. This self/other awareness is a major step in changing the unhelpful ways you think, feel and behave. To do this and effect lasting change, we’ll add another letter to the ABC Model. D – Disputing.
The purpose of the Disputing process is to recognise and then test for the validity of your beliefs that may be influencing situations. At the outset, you’ll probably find it easiest to use the ABCD process in a fairly formal way, writing each step down, but in no time you’ll be able to run through the process in your head to determine a more helpful viewpoint.
There are four disputing questions to ask yourself regarding a belief you hold. Let’s use as an example the belief that ‘I must always be perfect 100 per cent of the time in everything I do’.
- Is it true?
Is your belief true? No. The use of the word must tells us that this statement is a rigid demand. Is perfection possible? And having to always be perfect? This is an irrational perfectionist-based belief that could cause upset to yourself and possibly others. We’ll have a look at perfectionism in more detail in Chapter 6. - Is it logical?
Is it logical to expect that because you demand perfection 100 per cent of the time, this will happen? Does it make sense? No. What happens when inevitably it doesn’t? How does that make you feel and behave? - Is it helpful? It is sometimes easier to think ‘How does it help me?’
It’s likely that holding this belief is not helpful. It can create the tendency to procrastinate, to put off the task for fear of not living up to your irrational demand. That can lead to real and damaging feelings of failure. You’re setting yourself up to fail. It’s a self-defeating strategy. It may also have wider implications if you demand perfection of others. - Would you teach the belief to others?
Based on the answers to the previous two questions, it’s highly unlikely that you would recommend such a belief to others, such as friends or perhaps your children. This we find is the killer question. When coaching using the ABCD Model, this is the point where even the longest held and most guarded belief is finally questioned. The process of change can now begin.
The process of change – changing Demands to Preferences
We saw in Chapter 3 that, thanks to Neuroplasticity, we’re able to change the way we feel, think and behave if we really want to. We can change even the things we have held most dear, beliefs and attitudes that we have long assumed to be part of our character. Many times on our courses we’ve been told, ‘Well of course I’ve always been a worrier and my mother was a worrier. I didn’t stand a chance!’ Worry is not an inherited trait! If you’d prefer not to consider yourself a congenital ‘worrier’, then you have the ability to be something else. You have the power to change.
We know that rigid demands are unhelpful, so if we are seriously intending to make changes these need to be reframed. Is there an alternative to a demand? There is. A preference! Why is a preference better? Because a demand gives us just one option. A demand is dogmatic, rigid. I must. They should. We have to. You either do or don’t meet the terms of a demand. A preference, however, gives two or more options.
What do we mean by a preference in this context? We can express a preference as: ‘I would prefer to always produce perfect work, but I accept that perfection is impossible and so striving for excellence, which is achievable, makes far more sense. In future that’s what I’ll aim for.’
When I (BW) first began working with the ABC Model it was this that I found most liberating. I worked hard to coach myself into thinking of preferences rather than demands and it really does make the world seem a different place. For a few months I had to do it consciously. When a difficult situation arose, I talked myself through the process:
- I would prefer that the arts centre where my group of disabled actors rehearse had not used the set of their play to make into Santa’s Grotto but I accept that this has happened and we can probably come to a compromise.
- I would prefer that I could still drive (I have glaucoma) but I accept that this is not possible and there’s a bus stop outside my house.
I’ve done it for so long that it’s now my go-to response, my most used pathway. I literally think in terms of preferences, and the reduction in stress is huge. I think it’s also made me appreciate other people more, and probably myself too. If I catch myself thinking a rigid demand, I know I must be tired and make sure I find the time to rest.
Exercise 4.3: Preferences
Write out three demands that you hold or have held in the past. Now change them into preferences. ‘I would prefer that … but … .’
ABC Thinking
This is the exciting bit. We’re ready now to start using the ABC Model. Try to be as honest as you can when you are identifying your beliefs and the issues that are worrying you.
Exercise 4.4: Using the ABC Model
We’re going to map out the first stage of the ABC process, identifying a Belief about an Activating Event and the resulting Consequence, including the emotion, behaviour and physiological symptom.
Take a few minutes to think of an issue or problem that you’re currently having. It may be an ongoing adversity or a current worry or challenge.
A – Adversity. What is the problem or issue? Capture it as succinctly as possible.
B – Belief. What is or are the beliefs that you hold about the A? Is the belief rigid? A demand? Can you identify a personal rule? Remember must, have to, need to.
C – Consequence.
Emotional – notice how it makes you feel. We’ll look in detail at emotions and the ways to address Unhealthy Negative Emotions in Chapter 11.
Action Tendency – what does it make you want to do?
Behavioural – note your behaviour regarding the adversity.
Physiological (symptoms) – headache? Raised heartrate?
Let’s dispute the Belief that you have selected:
- Is it true?
- Is it logical?
- Is it helpful?
- Would you teach this belief to others?
How could you reframe the belief so that it is more helpful? For example, changing it to a preference if it is based around a rigid demand.
If you did this, what might your new, more helpful belief look like?
Write it down. (We always find it helpful to say it out loud.)
Now close your eyes and imagine how this new more helpful belief might change the consequences.
Remember the Activating event or Adversity is still the same – it is the way that you respond to this that changes.
At the end of this chapter is a simple Disputing Form to use when in the future you challenge unhelpful beliefs. If you don’t use it before, you will use this as part of the six-week follow-up programme at the back of the book.
Questions and Answers
- If I move from my rigid beliefs to preferences won’t I become less effective?
You can uphold extremely high standards and rigorous aspirations with flexible, realistic beliefs and achievable goals. We can have a preference for the highest standards in others, but we cannot demand them as we do not have full control over other people. We can disturb ourselves significantly by making demands of ourselves and others that simply will never be met. - What happens if a truly awful event occurs? How does the ABC Model help with that?
Sadly, dreadful things do happen. REBT from which the ABC Model derives is very effective for helping people who have experienced trauma. As we’ve said, PTSD is treated widely through the use of cognitive therapies. It’s not about trying to change the event, it’s about how we view it. People who experience trauma may go on to suffer consequences such as feelings of guilt or anger. REBT and the ABC Model are very effective in helping people to reframe their view of the trauma in order to enhance the healing process.
Conclusion
Learning the ABC Model and integrating it into your daily life and habitual mental process is a key part of Mind Fitness. When you are consciously determining how you respond to a situation and choosing a response that benefits rather than disturbs or damages you, you regain an enormous amount of control over your life.
We’re not saying that life will instantly become easy and filled with joy; this isn’t fantasy land. But you’ll be able to reduce the unnecessary worry about what will or might happen, and to manage your emotions in a way that minimises upset and conflict. Stopping our unhelpful beliefs tripping us up is a big step in the journey towards a you that is calmer, happier and significantly more able to cope with the challenges of life.
