Chapter 3

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Boost confidence

These days we find that business owners and managers are increasingly recognising the potent power of self-confidence that exists in the members of their teams. Employees with higher self-belief and greater confidence can have a significant effect on business interactions and successful outcomes. In our work with clients who may be suffering with feeling anxious, stressed, burnt out and/or lacking satisfaction and meaning in their work, the issue of confidence (and usually the lack of it) arises time and time again. More and more individuals, as well as organisations, are recognising how the practice of mindfulness can play a fundamental role in helping to rebuild broken confidence at work and also to boost it in ways that can bring about greater business successes.

In this chapter we aim to provide you with a practical overview of the relationship between workplace confidence and mindfulness.

Specifically, we will take a look at:

• What confidence is and what it’s made up of.
• Why confidence is so fundamental to getting ahead in business.
• What psychological processes erode our confidence.
• What mindfulness has to offer in building up our confidence.

If you are hoping for the usual gamut of ‘confidence-boosting’ practical tips and tricks, we’re sorry to disappoint but you won’t find them listed here; instead we are offering you something different and far more effective. Repeating positive self-affirmations, ensuring that you are well versed and well prepared with a soothing, cool bottle of water (say, before you give that presentation to your manager) may all sound (and can be) helpful to some degree, but we find that ultimately on their own they are pretty overrated when it comes to cultivating a more stable and reliable sense of confidence at work. You have probably heard them all before anyway. So if you are willing to take a look at something completely different, then you’re in the right place; read on.

So what exactly is confidence?

Confidence often seems like some elusive part of the make-up of ‘other’ people: you know, the ones who keep their cool, are fazed by nothing, with the magazine looks and exuding a magnetic charm. Even if we tempor-arily feel like this, our self-assuredness can desert us in the most inopportune and inconvenient moments and leave us feeling exposed, ashamed and vulnerable. In essence, confidence is a quality that does not appear to be consistent and reliable (and HOLD THE FRONT PAGE! as, contrary to what you might believe, that actually goes for all of us), but it is still much prized and necessary for our own sense of self-worth, feelings of competence and the trust that this instils in others about our skills, products and/or services. Yes, even those who look like they are brimming over with self-assurance may well be feeling pretty uncertain about themselves and simply winging it – in fact, others might regard you as poised, cool and sure of yourself when the reality is that on the inside you are quite as much of a faint-hearted jelly as everyone else. In short, confidence is the fundamental sense of being acceptable, safe, assured and capable – a sense that so many of us seem to lack at work these days.

The Lion’s Roar

We have lost count of the number of CEOs and senior business leaders that have walked into our office looking lost and directionless, full of self-doubt, explaining that they often feel like a ’square peg in a round hole’, suffering from some kind of impostor syndrome and anxiously anticipating the day when they are no longer able to ’wing it’, exposed as an incompetent fake and lose their job. So, why do so many of us and even those that may be at the very top of their game seem to lack so much self-worth and self-confidence?

Well, most of us spend our time anticipating what’s about to happen, what’s about to go wrong. We have a sense that something terrible will occur; the good won’t last, and when that happens we won’t be able to cope, so we’d best be prepared: forewarned is forearmed, right? All this leaves us tense, our body full of adrenaline and we are primed ready for fight or flight. All well and good, and this sounds pretty sensible on the face of it, but ask yourself:

• What does your experience tell you about the usefulness of this protective tendency?
• How does it work out for you?
• Is it effective?
• Does it keep you feeling safe and assured as you navigate your way through your working day?
• And how about your efficiency and productivity: does it help you get the job done?
• Do you walk into work each day with a profound sense of capability?

Well, unless your office has just been moved into the deep Amazon jungle, leaving you to rough it with a host of wild tropical animals, we’d expect that most of this just gets in the way of any sense of self-assuredness, your performance, your ability to get ahead at work and also the enjoyment of what is actually right here and right now.

So what would it be like if we dropped this anxiety-fuelled protective suit of armour? What would be revealed and what sits behind it? Well, that would be your confidence, free to naturally flow as it always would. Within each of us there is the sense that everything will be OK; sometimes we can sneak a peek of it deep down inside of us, usually, however, only when we offer some advice to our colleagues, clients, friends or family members in response to their own predicaments. At other times, if we are lucky enough, we actually tell ourselves the same when we are faced with some of the daily stressors and even bigger sh*t that work throws at us from time to time. But all too often this sense of self-assuredness is far out of reach, often trampled over by another fearful part of us that we tend to reinforce unknowingly (we’ll return to this in a moment). This buried sense of confidence is within us all; it has sometimes been described as the ‘Lion’s Roar’:

‘It’s the confidence that allows us to say, ‘No matter what life presents me, I can work with it.’ When that confidence is there, we take incredible joy in the moments of our lives.’

(Brach, 2012, taken from: http://blog.tarabrach.com/2012/03/lions-roar.html)

This is the deepest sense of confidence that mindfulness can help us to uncover, reconnect with and cultivate more of. Mindfulness can help us to cease running from the next threat around the corner and to allow our inherent sense of confidence to naturally flow once again. There is a natural sense of stability and assuredness that arises when we make contact with the present moment in an open and accepting way. Much like a tree, rooted into the ground, we can stand firm and secure when we refocus our attention towards now.

Exercise 3.1: Mindful on the job

Holding your nerve

Try the following exercise as a quick method for holding your nerve and finding a little stability when you feel your confidence waning (you can repeat this exercise often and as regularly as you like to ensure that you continue to cultivate a deep sense of inner strength and confidence):

1. Whether sitting or standing, find your centre of gravity – through the feet, the hips or spine. Feel the centre of the body upright, dignified and open; adjust your posture if necessary to support this intention.
2. Repeat gently ‘I can work with this’, meaning that even if you are a bundle of nerves, you can both acknowledge your present state and cultivate further confidence.
3. Repeat gently ‘all will be OK, I’ve got this’, meaning that you can acknowledge your anxiety and put it in perspective.
4. Find your centre again physically. Breathe in, breathe out mindfully.
5. Continue to hold your nerve with kind attention, repeating ‘I can work with this’, ‘all will be okay’ and ‘I’ve got this’.

As many of us begin to practise mindfulness even in the absence of any particular panics, wobbliness or fear, we very quickly realise just how uncomfortable it is to simply be still, as if there is something weird and abnormal about just being rather than doing. In experiencing this common and natural discomfort, we soon notice that actually we aren’t very comfortable in our own skin after all. With more regular practice, however, we begin to recognise how we can in fact be more at ease with ourselves. By continuing to explore this discomfort, we begin to strengthen the natural confidence in being who we are, just as we are. This allows us to cultivate and transfer a greater sense of confidence to everything else that we do.

While there are definitely ways of helping our chances of tapping into and maintaining confidence using mindfulness, as with the exercise above, mindfulness can also help us to recover well when we inevitably do f*** up from time to time. Throughout the rest of this chapter we are going to turn your attention to how we can cultivate more confidence while at work and on the job. For now, here’s an interesting fact for you to consider . . .

The real confidence zapper

How often have you noticed that your confidence has suddenly plummeted to a non-existent level? Maybe just before you give a presentation, show up for a job interview or appraisal meeting with your manager? If not in these situations, then maybe you can think of your very own unique times at work when you’ve turned into a quivering, weeping wreck. The truth is that our confidence waxes and wanes (and more often the latter) when we do challenging stuff and more so when that stuff really matters to us; how about that daunting appraisal meeting that could lead to a fantastic promotion and a really exciting new role? Feeling confident? Nope. We thought not.

If you are anything like us, at such times your mind is probably full of all sorts of self-doubts, worries about what’s likely to go wrong and what ifs. ‘I’m not really skilled to do this job!’ ‘What if I don’t know the answer?’ ‘I’m going to totally mess this up!’ ‘What if I go blank?’ ‘What if they think’ ‘I’m incompetent, uninteresting and not good enough?’ Buying into all these thoughts is quite understandable as they’re designed to help us prepare and problem-solve any obstacles so that we can ensure we deliver the best performance possible and succeed, but in actuality they are circular and potentially never ending, and trying to answer them can be a proper pain in the arse. But also consider now, that while trying to problem-solve the worst-case scenarios, we are also simultaneously telling ourselves the worst about ourselves (continuously commenting on our failings and rejection).’ A few hours pondering over these sorts of worries and questions in our mind can often leave us feeling like we have been totally flattened by a high-speed juggernaut – splat!

It’s got to be perfect

Anxiety-fuelled perfectionism often erodes our sense of self-confidence – an underlying fear of not being perfect, as if failure is an absolutely, unacceptable no-no. Our attempts to avoid feelings of failure, rejection and shame often hold us back in progressing in our work and career. Our fear of saying the wrong thing and others not liking us for it prevents us from speaking our mind and leaves us hesitant to share new ideas and answer questions. Unless we are 100 per cent certain that what we’ve got to say is right, interesting or inspiring, we may keep shtum in that very important business development meeting chaired by the CEO who has just flown in especially from the New York office to hear some new ideas, and then just beat ourselves up when Brian from the IT department says exactly the very same thing that was on our mind (smart-arse!). Unless we feel fully competent and qualified, we may shy away from going for that promotion, new role/job and generally taking risks at work/in our career/business. All this perfectionism just feeds back into undermining our confidence further, ironically, preventing us from getting much done at all. It also tends to drain all the satisfaction and fulfilment we could gain from our work and career at the same time.

When engaging with these perfectionist thoughts and worries, we can notice the anxiety rising in our body, and when this happens these stressful situations have just got a whole lot more stressful. We become a prisoner of our anxiety, fearing that others may see our weakness. We become anxious about being anxious and get locked into a battle with our anxiety. Now, along with delivering our top class performance, we also find ourselves preoccupied with trying desperately to push the anxiety aside, hide it away or even, better still, eliminate it completely, all at the same time; and by now we know all too well what the effects of multitasking are (if not, take another look at Chapter 2). All this struggling leads to a disconnection from ourselves and the actual moment we are in: we begin to talk louder, faster (wishing we had been born a chameleon, praying that the surroundings would just swallow us up), and we can make more mistakes and find ourselves bringing on our worst fears (i.e. failure, rejection and shame). What’s that saying again, oh yeah – what we try to resist persists! Fighting anxiety in this way is like fighting a losing battle; we are bound to fail, and that’s the greatest confidence zapper of all time – yep, that’s the real deal, folks. So how can we manage all this? Well, mindfulness training is the way to successful regulation of our emotions and a calmer, clearer and more confident mind. With mindfulness we can unveil, retain and boost our confidence even in the most stressful work situations.

The art of public speaking

‘There are two types of speakers: those that are nervous and those that are liars.’

Mark Twain

For most of us the idea of public speaking can leave us feeling pretty jittery, unsettled with a kaleidoscope of butterflies flittering around in the stomach. Whether that sounds a bit like you or even if you’re one of trillions of others who quite frankly would rather run naked across the office floor than get up to do any form of actual public speaking – whether to your closest teammates or to hundreds of delegates at a professional conference – either way there’s no need to panic anymore as there is hope for us all. Mindfulness has been shown to help sufferers of social anxiety disorder who typically fear the negative appraisal of others and who consequently find any form of social interaction (let alone addressing a crowd) absolutely debilitating.

In a study at Stanford University¹, researchers explored the impact that nine sessions of mindfulness training would have on the experience of people suffering with social anxiety disorder. Following the mindfulness intervention, participants were less anxious and also changed their beliefs about themselves, thinking of themselves in a more positive light. The mindfulness intervention helped people to reduce the amount of times that they thought of themselves as a ‘coward’, ‘weak’, insecure’ and ‘afraid’ and instead chose to describe themselves by terms such as ‘strong’, ‘able’, ‘admired’ and ‘loved’. The mindfulness training helped people to break old habits of thinking about themselves in a certain way. The researchers conclude that mindfulness ‘might make it easier for people to shift between ways of viewing themselves’. In summary, these findings demonstrate how mindfulness reduces emotional reactivity and enhances emotion regulation as well as reducing behaviours that function to avoid social anxiety (like running away to hide – the actual behaviours that really maintain and undermine our poor sense of self-confidence). So this is excellent news for those of us that would like to get a handle on our lack of confidence and associated anxiety about public speaking, especially if our attempts to avoid getting up there and presenting (like running to the toilet or taking a sickie!) are getting in the way of our progress at work. Well, you know the drill: in order to benefit from this stuff, you need to practise it. So next time you have the opportunity to speak up in a meeting or present to an audience, take it and try the following exercise.

Exercise 3.2: Mindful on the job

Finding confident ground

This goes out to anyone who is even a teeny bit anxious about speaking in public to an audience (or anyone that you want to impress). This could equally be speaking up in an interview, a meeting, pitching a new product or giving a lecture or presentation. We are going to assume you are well prepared and have a good knowledge of whatever it is you intend to present, whether that is a profit forecast or your feelings about the interpersonal dynamics in your team. Make sure you are well informed and well prepared with any facts and figures you need (i.e. do your homework first! But don’t go into perfectionist-overkill and feel like you need to remember everything you want to say word for word – trying to remember these words will just get in the way). Also prepare yourself physically: make time for a wee, a drink of water, avoid the coffee, try to get a good night’s sleep, eat something, take any necessary (legal!) medications and acknowledge that if any of these things aren’t or haven’t been possible, even though you might benefit more if you have done them, you will still be OK (you are not going out to fight a gladiator after all). You can practise this exercise anytime, but try it before your presentation, giving yourself time with each stage if you can (one to two minutes maybe). Then, during your presentation/meeting, you can use all or parts of the practice, even fleetingly, to help anchor yourself in the present and enhance your confidence.

1. First, find your feet. Feel the ground solid beneath you.
2. Feel the sense of solidity in your body, especially with the contact of your feet against the floor, in your calves, thighs, hips and pelvis.
3. Notice your body breathing. Ragged and short breaths are as fine as long slow ones.
4. Notice if your mind turns towards catastrophic thoughts, notions of failure, negative appraisals, or doom. Leave the thoughts alone, let them be, see them gently float away as you focus back on your feet/body/breath.
5. If you feel afraid, anxious, apprehensive or unsettled, let yourself know that it is OK; it’s just this one moment; this shall pass; even if this is hard, you are choosing to face the challenge. You are showing up in your life. This is courage, this is where confidence flows from. Here you are in this moment, confident, nervous, brave, confused … showing up.
6. Feel the sense of solidity in your body, especially with the contact of your feet against the floor, your calves, thighs, hips and pelvis.
7. Find your feet. Feel the ground solid beneath you.

‘Anchoring’ exercises like this are great to help us move out of our thinking (worrying) mode of mind and into more of a sensing mode of mind (as we direct our attention to the lower half of our body). The effect of this will usually automatically alter your physical, cognitive and emotional response (remember however that this is a fortunate by-product and not our intention or expected result) allowing you to feel more grounded and stable so you can act in a more reasoned and therefore productive way. You can do this kind of exercise with your eyes open or closed, while sitting or walking around, anywhere at all.

Remember, even if you do make a tit of yourself, (even with the great practice of mindfulness beside you), at least you showed up in your life and the ground is still right there beneath you. Well done fellow human. You might also like to remind yourself of these wise words:

‘Opportunities are like buses – there’s always another one coming.’

Richard Branson

Act confidently and do what matters anyway

‘May your choices reflect your hopes, not your fears.’

Nelson Mandela

We have yapped on now about how our anxiety and fear of failure keeps us behaving in unhelpful, protective ways. Recall, just for now how these habitual tendencies are likely to be outdated, reactive and confining, cramping to your confidence and well-being. You don’t initially need to do anything dramatic, or make any grand commitments or gestures; simply take a moment to reflect on Brené Brown’s questions:

• What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
• What’s worth doing even if you do fail?

(Brown, 2013, loc 501)

As we spend so much of our time thinking about what we are not, what we cannot do/achieve etc., we can lose sight of what is actually possible today or in this very moment. With mindfulness, we can free our minds up to notice the numerous possibilities open to us in each and every moment, possibilities that we might grab if only we had the confidence to do so. These may be tasks we put off working on or even larger goals that we have brushed aside or ignored. It may be that we would choose to relate to others or even ourselves differently if we had more confidence to do so. Try the following exercise to set your mind free and focus on building your confident self.

Exercise 3.3: Work in progress

Wake up to confidence!

Imagine that when you wake up tomorrow, as if by magic you find that you are as confident in your work/business as you possibly can be. With this confidence in mind, now reflect on your answers to the following questions:

If you had all the confidence you ever wanted (and imagining you would still choose to work) …

• What would your day ahead look like?
• How would you act differently at work (i.e. walk, talk)?
• How would you treat others?
• Who would notice this?
• What would they notice that was different about you that told them you were now totally confident? (i.e: in your demeanour, character, speech, behaviour, etc.)
• What other personal qualities would your confidence demonstrate (calm, assertive, generous, kind, etc.)?
• What would your confidence enable you to do that is meaningful to the larger picture of your work/career?
• How would you talk to yourself differently?
• What would you feel proud of at the end of the day?

Now, reflect on these further questions:

• What aspects, if any, of the answers to these questions above are already present in your life right now?
• What aspects, if any, might be (partially or potentially) possible for you to take action on now?
• Can you act in these ways that demonstrate your confidence tomorrow, today? How about right now?

Building your confidence with mindfulness is most certainly possible, but, make no mistake about it, it can be a challenging process and it can take some time. You can speed this process up by putting yourself into situations that might scare the pants off you (initially anyway), but be assured that the more you step into the feared unknown (time and time again) armed with the powerful practice of mindfulness, the more confident you will begin to feel. So, if you are someone who tends to say:

‘I’ll do that (presentation, talk with the boss, etc.) when I feel more confident/ready.’

It might be time to switch that around to:

‘I’ll do that (presentation, talk with the boss) now anyway, despite not yet feeling 100 per cent confident/ready.’

The truth is that we will never feel 100 per cent confident/ready and if we wait until then, well, we’ll never get anything that may present as challenging done, ever. If we act as if we are confident now (despite not yet feeling so), we are more likely to begin to experience confidence growing within us. It’s time to take a leap of faith, step into the unknown, breathe mindfully, use the practices in this chapter and watch your confidence grow (to learn more about how our willingness to feel vulnerability can lead to very great things for us, please watch the excellent TED Talk by Brené Brown, listed in the ‘Useful resources’ section at the end of this chapter).

‘You must do the thing you think you cannot do.’

Eleanor Roosevelt

Take note: stepping into feared situations mindfully is not about ignoring or pushing your vulnerability aside. On the contrary, it is about making room for it, allowing it to be there and being willing to feel that way as you strive forward with what is most important to you. Move into your feared situations with respectful attention and acceptance towards your vulnerability. You may find that repeating these few words can help:

‘I can do this (scary stuff) AND feel vulnerable/under-confident at the same time’

Also you might like to remember that when you fail (and know that there is no ‘if’; to err is to be human after all), you’re in good company. These products, by market giants, all bombed:

• The Ford Edsel (epic fail): overpromoted, too expensive – especially at the time of the late 50s recession. It did not meet expectations and was criticised to be just the same as any other Ford, apart from the bodywork of course which looked a lot like female genitalia! Ford finally ended the car’s production after losing $350 million on it!
• Sony Betamax (ouch!): killed off when Sony chose to take the moral high ground and refused to license its technology to the porno-graphy industry. With such a demand for porn, competitor JVC saw an opportunity and moved in with its own product (VHS). Also, Sony apparently misread the market and stuck to their guns, assuming that viewers wanted just an hour of tape to record stuff; again, competitor JVC saw the opportunity and created the four-hour tape so people could enjoy watching football games and films (including porn!), despite the lesser quality of the VHS product.
• Apple Newton (apparently not everything turns to gold): overpriced at $700 – $1,000 and it was too big and clunky. Despite its handwriting--recognition software being promoted as ‘unprecedented’, it was highly inaccurate and just plain annoying!
• McDonald’s Arch Deluxe (flop): $100 million was spent on advertising this product in an attempt to attract a more adult and classy customer with a refined palate. But nope, not even a processed piece of round bacon could ‘whet the appetite’ of this demographic; they were just not interested in this kind of fast food – duh!
• Microsoft Zune (please, really?): revenues declined by 54 per cent in one quarter while at the same time the iPod’s increased by 3 per cent. With poor quality design, it lacked the style and simplicity of its competitor products. Most importantly though, it was not compatible with the most dominant product in the market – Apple’s iTunes programme.
• Pepsi A.M (just wrong!): this new drink was rolled out in response to an apparent decrease in the amount of coffee drunk by consumers in the mornings while they were still keen for a caffeine kick. But Pepsi was unable to convince people that a cup of cola first thing was a better idea! The branding was prescriptive and therefore it restricted the market size.
• Frito-Lay Wow! Crisps (so very wrong!): sales exploded to $347 million but then dropped in just two years to $200 million. Olestra was the fat-free alternative, secret ingredient in these crisps that first really did wow the market but then consumers soon realised that it made them want to go to the loo (a lot!) much like a laxative – stomach cramps and diarrhoea prevailed!

Confidence leads to success

When it comes to business success, confidence may be just as important, if not more so, than competence. It would seem that studying and working hard, gaining knowledge and skills in the hope of moving onwards and upwards to excel in your career, is not the only talent needed: confidence really matters too.

In a series of studies at the University of California-Berkeley², researchers were keen to test how the social status of people was enhanced by their confidence. They found that overconfidence led to a higher social status and also certain behaviours that make people appear confident to others. They also found that the hunger and motivation from people to gain higher status promoted their overconfidence. Specifically, and most interestingly, these studies showed that people who are overconfident in incorrect information are actually more effective in building peers’ trust and respect than people showing less confidence in the correct information (so it would seem that acting confidently not only helps to boost confidence but it will also help you get ahead in your work – if getting ahead in your own work means gaining the support of others, that is). Although this does not necessarily mean that always assertively communicating false information will make you more confident and liked by others, it does demonstrate how having self-belief and confidence is a powerful tool in being noticed and influencing others. The researchers conclude that ‘people might so often believe they are better than others because it helps them achieve higher social status’.

From our experience, it would seem that organisations are recognising the integral role that confidence has in bringing about business successes. Psychometrics measuring confidence form part of the selection and recruitment process as well as regular performance reviews for staff in a growing number of organisations, who now, more so than ever, value the confidence as much as the competence of their key players. Mindfulness is gaining significant traction as a viable way to train confidence in managers and business leaders, and, taking a look at the research, it is easy to understand why.

In a recent study³, researchers at the University of Westminster in England were interested in the effects that a 12-week mindfulness training programme could have on the confidence and self-perception of skills among a group of CEOs and senior managers in the London area. The results of this study demonstrated how this mindfulness training significantly enhanced the overall confidence of this group of managers as well as some of their specific individual skills, such as inspiring a shared vision and demonstrating moral intelligence.

So it would seem that mindfulness really does help to promote self-confidence. Let us now look further into just what ‘being confident’ involves, so that you can deepen your understanding, making this whole topic all the more relevant and meaningful for you and your working life.

Do I believe in myself?

Confidence is not just the mysterious air we have about us, like a bottle of trendy aftershave or perfume. Confidence is, at least in part, something we believe about ourselves. Our self-beliefs are sometimes referred to as our personal narratives or stories and we are continually creating, re-telling, reinforcing and reinventing these. There are many ways in which we do this, such as how we describe our personality (‘I’m really driven/kind/supportive’), attribute certain habits to our history (‘I don’t do public speaking’, ‘I’ve never been good at presenting’), look for a persona we can ‘fix’ upon and wear ‘those’ clothes (‘I’m just like him/her/them’), talk ‘that’ way or listen to ‘that’ music, etc. The problem with all this arises when these stories have firmly fixed beliefs about ourselves which are at odds with the situation that we find ourselves in and/or what actually matters most to us, often culminating in a big dollop of dissatisfaction and more likely leaving us quivering in our boots. Most of us will recognise a certain personal journey through childhood hobbies and obsessions, teenage fashion disasters, early adulthood ambitions, and so on. Simply by seeing this history, and the stories we have tightly clung to and told about ourselves, we see that actually our sense of ourselves, and the confidence we feel as a result of this, has gone through many shifts and changes. The good news, therefore, is that even if you struggle with confidence, it is a mutable and malleable thing open to a certain degree of reconstruction if we dare. Are you ready to let go of your ‘Self Story’?

‘I am not what has happened to me. I am what I choose to become.’

Carl Jung

Try the following exercise to begin to reflect on the stories that you have told about yourself and the impact that these have had on your confidence and choices at work.

Exercise 3.4: Work in progress

How old is that story?

1. When you were at school/university/previous jobs, what was your role? Were you the clever one? The funny one? The popular one? The shy and quiet one? What tasks did you do well and not so well in? What tasks/personal qualities did you get praised/criticised for?
2. How have you reinforced this early image/assumption/belief of yourself over the years? What types of jobs have you put yourself up for? What roles have you taken? What types of tasks do you avoid doing? Do you wait for things to happen for you or do you make them happen?
3. Have you held beliefs and assumptions about yourself based on where you were born/grew up? Who your family is/what your family do? How your family related to you? Have your work-related choices, actions and reality been affected by these assumptions/early relationships in your life? Are you happy with these actions?
4. Do you ever change the image of yourself to please others around you? How has that worked out for you in your career?

Faking it to prove it

The temptation may be to build or rebuild our ‘self-belief’ to rhino-skin thickness (like, try the ‘in every day in every way I’m getting better and better’ mantra in the bathroom mirror ten times a day) and charge forth into the world of work trampling anything and anyone in our path (I’m NOT a failure! I AM a success and I WILL be recognised!). We ignore caution, advice, physical tension, headaches, teammates’ viewpoints, reviews or predictions and stick faithfully to our set path shielded by thick, impenetrable armour. This can work, to an extent, for some of us; however, it is rarely sustainable in any deeply satisfying way as we tend to disconnect from others and our authentic selves. The need to be connected with others, socially accepted and part of a community is a hardwired human condition (more on this in Chapters 5 and 7). There’s no way of getting out of it, we are social apes who love a good grooming from one another (remember to tell this to your next date). Therefore if we cut off from others as an attempt to protect our vulnerable, underconfident self, we actually end up feeling even more isolated and dejected. Take note: rhino suits are not the answer!

‘It may easily come to pass that a vain man may become proud and imagine himself pleasing to all when he is in reality a universal nuisance.’

Baruch Spinoza

The other component of this is because a ‘hard shell’ of simulated confidence is actually a way of masking our genuine inner feelings, which can feel too painful to bear, so we cut off from these too and instead turn to defining ourselves on tenuous and unpredictable external events (such as successes and positive feedback at work) and comparisons working in our favour (ignoring the rest). This is a bit like the gambler believing that he or she is on a lucky streak and piling more cash into a game of pure chance. We may, further, engage in behaviours which are bullying or perfectionist in an attempt to control others or our environment in order to sustain this precarious position and eliminate our vulnerability. But of course, when the wheel of fortune eventually turns, we may find that instead of our ego being puffed up like Toad of Toad Hall we feel more like something the cat dragged in (and maybe everybody sees it too, especially if you have a spectacular f***-up).

Hubris blinds us to an inner fear of being seen for ‘what we truly believe we are’ (read in this case: vulnerable, unlovable, not good enough) and sadly often makes most of us look and act like total prats. If you lack confidence, on the other hand (which, remember, is every one of us at some time or another), this can sometimes be expressed in ways which are judged by ourselves or others as a ‘weakness’, leaving us feeling very exposed and uncomfortable. We can feel as if, contrary to our rhino-friends, we ‘have no skin’. If this shows up for you, then the reaction is generally one of withdrawal of some kind, perhaps defensiveness, self-deprecation or just wanting to hide. We surely all have stories of our own crushing embarrassments, the inner hurts which we carry about and hope no one else will discover unless we are either very drunk or very trusting.

Underconfidence, either shown through pleasing others, arrogance or belittling yourself/others, does not inspire trust from others, certainly in the long term, and can be a cause of great stress. Let’s give some examples:

Alicia works at Coffee-Bean-Tastic in the accounts team and is about to have her annual appraisal. She has been working in the job for the past year, after completing her accountancy exams. She has worked hard, but still feels very junior when comparing herself with her more experienced co-workers. At her meeting she is actually up for a promotion, which she is not aware of. These are her possible answers to ‘how do you feel you are getting on at Coffee-Bean-Tastic?’ and the associated body language/ behaviours:

1. She speaks quietly, making poor eye contact. She says that she is well aware that she is not as good as the rest of her team and she is working really hard, but still feels she doesn’t know that much and she’s very sorry because she doesn’t want to be letting everyone down and taking up too much of your time. She stops talking and looks towards the door.
2. She is fidgeting and speaks very fast. She tells you that she has really liked working with her team and is learning loads of new things on the job and is getting very interested in the company. She then goes on to tell you that she has Googled the senior staff members and noticed that they have travelled frequently to Costa Rica and that the carbon footprint must be pretty large, and the coffee isn’t actually fair trade and she buys her coffee from Green Beans and actually she already had 17 cups of it before the appraisal and isn’t that funny?
3. She begins to talk, loudly, before you have finished asking the question. She tells you how passionate she is, that she will put in 110 per cent to any task given her. She is glad you are having this appraisal as she thinks she must be up for promotion after a year of, frankly, doing all the hard work. It is probably time they took on someone else to do the menial jobs and let her get on with something more important, because frankly, with results like hers she is simply wasted in her current role and everyone knows it. She is happy to step on anyone who gets in her way to achieving success.

Having read the above examples, consider your answers to the following questions:

• Which ‘Alicia’ would you give the promotion to?
• Maybe you can recognise some of your own qualities and expressions of underconfidence from these examples?
• Which of these do you think seems more or less like you?
• What messages are you transmitting at work by your own behaviours, body language, etc.?
• Perhaps you are drawn to traits similar or different from yours?
• Can you recognise your aversion to or desire for a particular way of being, or combination of contradictions?

It can be helpful to know how we are drawn into our own ‘self-stories’ and our narratives about ourselves (with no claim on what is right/wrong/true/untrue/real/fantasy) and how this can shape our decisions and behaviours. We are then able to begin to see the influence of these limited views upon our working envir-onment and how they continue to play out a particular ‘script’ we might have purposefully or accidentally set for ourselves of ‘how I must be’. This is usually with some intent of controlling life’s outcomes, protecting ourselves from feeling anxious, overwhelmed, ashamed or vulnerable. As we work with mindfulness further, we can begin to see that our way of being and our choices at work are not inevitable eventualities; we are actually free, at any time, to try something different and look at things afresh. The first step to this process is to make some careful observations.

The underconfidence trap

Our lack of faith, fear of disgrace and underconfidence in ourselves is transmitted and communicated to others via an array of behaviours such as:

• going blank or forgetting what we are saying;
• stuttering or stumbling over words (‘um, your err, umm’);
• failing to speak up for ourselves;
• blushing, sweating, shaking, etc.;
• saying ‘silly’, ‘inappropriate’ or ‘unkind’ things;
• talking too fast, too quietly or mumbling;
• openly denigrating or degrading ourselves/others, or letting others do this;
• participating in activities which go against our values or ethics;
• compensating for our lack of confidence by drinking, taking drugs, talking too loudly or talking over others;
• not listening properly;
• rigidly holding on to our views and having to prove that we are right;
• fiddling with things (pens, papers, hair, your...err...um);
• rushing through a task carelessly;
• checking (and re-checking) work for reassurance;
• taking on more and more work;
• showing off about ourselves;
• being overly apologetic;
• our own unique ways.

These behaviours and self-judgements tend to compound themselves into vicious cycles and may look a bit like this when they show up:

Of course, many of us also add to the joy induced by this delightful list of mishaps by imagining them all for hours/days/weeks or maybe even months beforehand, rehearsing all our potential disasters or our defining career moments (and as we know from Chapter 2 we do love a bit of drama) and totally upping the emotional ante. We have already discussed the adrenaline addiction and its poor partnership with rational decision-making, and here we see it in action again. Then we make a ballsup somehow and spend the next hours/days/weeks or maybe even months replaying the carnage in our minds and giving ourselves a bollocking for everything we should have done differently. Which then might look something like this:

Even if this is not our own particular brand of ‘messing up’, we can surely recognise plenty of times in our work where we have felt overwhelmed by a situation and unable to function well under the pressure. If we have enough resilience, we might be able to turn the lemons into lemonade; however, sometimes we just get mindlessly reactive to a situation and end up in fight (be arrogant, complain, bully or attack) or flight (withdraw, resign or self-sabotage) mode. Take the case of Peter, for example:

The critical defence

Berating ourselves and others for our/their failures and mishaps seems sensible on some level and may sound a bit like this: ‘I need to know what I/they did wrong, remind myself/them (over and over again) what a total pillock I’ve/they’ve been, to learn a lesson/know the worst so I can prevent the worst happening, especially if I don’t feel too confident to face the trauma of failing again’. Criticism in this sense can be viewed as a super-charged, problem-solving machine, activated and ready to protect our underconfident, vulnerable, gooey soft centre from any future pain (remember those cavemen/women in the previous chapter and how they needed a tool to protect themselves?). But chastising ourselves/others in this way is not always the answer, as it just continues to undermine our own self-confidence, further increasing our sense of vulner-ability and helplessness, giving rise to more attempts to protect ourselves. Although some of these slights and the attacks on others might not at first appear like personal attacks on the self, they will also penetrate our own self-confidence in the most detrimental way.

Attacks towards others are in fact ultimately highly self-critical also and therefore as confidence-zapping as the most obvious and explicit self-criticisms (such as ‘I’m a total loser’). Pointing the finger in blame (i.e. ‘you are a total loser’), criticising everyone else (and their mothers) only actually damns yourself as lacking any useful substance and as helpless and incompetent to independently change your own reality – so: he/she/they is/are useless effectively translates into I’M USELESS! All types of criticism can therefore be seen as both the cause and effect of underconfidence. This creates a perpetual cycle; it’s really not clever and leaves us stuck in an underconfidence trap (having to endure all the associated performance-hindering anxiety and frustration to boot) which looks a bit like this:

So if you are with us on this (which really we hope you are) you’ll probably agree that it’s time to start letting this critic know who actually is boss around here. Enough with this old blame game; it’s time to get wise to your critic before he/she/it batters your confidence down even further. You might like to try this next exercise to really begin to start noticing your inner critic, while lessening the negative impact that he/she/it is having on your confidence.

Exercise 3.5: Mindful on the job

Paper pusher – origami

This practice can actually be done with any task at all, not just one that involves folding paper. Anyway, for now go get a piece of paper and follow these instructions:

1. Take a square piece of paper.
2. Fold each corner into the centre.
3. Turn the paper over so that all the folded-in edges face down – you will have a smaller square now. (Did you fold that right? Are you doing this properly? What would your boss think? Or notice any other ways your inner critic is questioning you, hounding you or berating you right now.)
4. Fold the corners of this square into the centre (Is it good enough? Are you making a mess of things (again)? See if your critic is visiting and what it has to tell you.)
5. Fold the paper in half, both ways (Does your inner critic have a particular tone of voice, a gender or other characteristics? Maybe you can notice if you have internalised the voice of a parent, carer or teacher from your childhood? Maybe it’s your boss/competitive rival at work?)
6. Now pinch each of the corners by putting your fingers into the little squares underneath. (Very clumsily done? Or are you achieving perfection? Ridiculous exercise! What are they on about? This is stupid! Watch that critic as it attacks us now – that wasn’t very nice, was it?)
7. Squeeze the four outside corners together into and up to the middle. (See your critic for what he/she/it is: an outmoded, outdated, misguided mechanism for self-protection (armouring). You may wish to tell it to ‘shut up’, ‘no thanks’, ‘bye bye’. You really don’t need it anymore and look … )
8. You have made a fortune-teller. (If you are judging your fortune teller, criticising yourself, this exercise, the world, then OK.)
9. Now see what else you (with the help of your critic) have made along with this folded piece of paper …
   Fortune-teller + frustrated critic (waste of time) = bad world
   Fortune-teller + unhappy critic (misaligned corners) = cr*ppy exercise
   Fortune-teller + scared critic (strange looks from others) = unworthy person
   Fortune-teller + self-aggrandising critic (perfect construction) = smugness
   Fortune-teller + undermining critic (perfect construction) = doubt
   Fortune-teller + your own brand of critic (any paper creation) = anything essentially lacking in care, empathy, wholesomeness or connection to yourself/the world around you.

If you want to use this (no judgements from us!), you can also look on YouTube for further instructions. You can find a link to a tutorial video on how to make an origami fortune-teller listed in the ‘Useful resources’ section at the end of this chapter.

It’s likely that you will be familiar with your own internal critic; for many of us it has become an entrenched mental habit. The fact that it is a habit, common and familiar (in one form or another) among all us human beings speaks to the fact that at some point in time it has been useful (remember the tools needed by our cave-dwelling ancestors?) – as intelligent human beings we wouldn’t do something unless it made some sense to do it, now, would we? The truth is that our critic might be useful (as a motivator, say) at some points in time and in certain contexts. However, we do need to remain mindful of it (as in the exercise above), as otherwise it can go into overdrive and cause havoc with our sense of confidence, as described earlier. We need to do little more than to notice and become aware of our critic (more on this to come) to stop it in its tracks. In simply stopping to notice and observe it, we also remind ourselves of the fact that it is just a habit of the mind, and in that moment of observation we reconnect with our deeper sense of solidity, stability and assuredness, even in the most stressful moments on the job.

Confidence in the now

When we comprehend the intimate relationship we have struck up with our perfectionism, the way it is fuelled by anxiety to rid ourselves of the least desirable parts of, well, ourselves (which is actually impossible) and therefore the way it perpetuates dissatisfaction and even more failure, we can see how our confidence suffers. The key to developing confidence, in the face of our fear (real or imagined) is to understand that our anxieties are not present focused, they tend to have a flair for the dramatic and they are habitual. Using mindfulness, then, we first become aware of our own special brand of screwing up.

‘… without self-awareness, you would have little ability to moderate and direct your behaviour … You need this capacity to free yourself from the automatic flow of experience, and to choose where to direct your attention. Without a director you are a mere automaton, driven by greed, fear or habit.’

(Rock, 2009)

So let us see the inner critic as that which is driving us habitually by fear or greed. We first need to develop mindfulness to catch him or her ‘in the act’, just like we did in the origami exercise just now. Once we notice and recognise the voice inside ourselves so ready to undermine our confidence, we can use mindfulness to re-focus on our present experience, to see life as it is just in the moment instead. There is no need to make any attempt to engage with the voice which attacks and undermines us; we don’t need to struggle with it by attempting to think positively instead, or by trying harder or by berating ourselves further for even having an inner critic (that would be simply beating yourself up for beating yourself up!). When we get out from under the Monty Python-like foot of our critic, we can then start to see that we are actually OK.

Disengage and disarm

No, not a pitch for CND, but certainly a way of putting aside the biggest weapon of mass destruction – namely your inner critic. Beating ourselves and others up is familiar to so many of us. As we have seen, it is our attempt to eradicate and hide from our vulnerability and associated emotional pain. In this light we can see how our critical mind does actually really care and has our best interests at heart; it is motivated to help us feel better, safer and more assured; however, it is just making a total balls up of it all, so maybe we can let it off the hook, and, as we’ve said, not beat ourselves up for beating ourselves up. It is wise to notice how engaging with our critical mind is usually essentially an act of self-loathing; it is rejecting of ourselves, therefore exacerbating our sense of low self-worth and poor confidence. So instead of trying to fix our and others’ imperfections (including our self--criticism itself!), mindfulness offers us another, more productive way to manage our innate insecurities and to cultivate more confidence in the ever changing, highly competitive, and sometimes scary world in which we work.

Mindfulness has been shown to not only enhance our self-esteem and confidence but also cultivate more confidence irrespective of our successes, and even in comparison to those around us, no matter how rampant our self-critical thoughts about our failures might be. Researchers in a series of two studies⁴ carried out at Griffiths University in Australia firstly found that, among a group of student participants, mindfulness skills strongly correlated to high self-esteem. Specifically, the four components of mindfulness practice that predicted higher self-esteem in this study were:

• labelling internal experiences with words, which prevented people from getting consumed by self-critical thoughts and emotions;
• bringing a non-judgemental attitude toward thoughts and emotions, which helped individuals have a neutral, accepting attitude toward themselves;
• sustaining attention on the present moment, which helped people avoid becoming caught up in self-critical thoughts that relate to events from the past or future;
• letting thoughts and emotions enter and leave awareness without reacting to them.

In order to be certain whether mindfulness practice was actually the cause of higher self-esteem or down to some other factor/s, the researchers divided participants into two groups where one engaged in a 15-minute mindfulness practice while the other read a story about the Venus Fly Trap for 15 minutes. Both groups were given questionnaires to complete that measured their level of mindfulness and self-esteem before and after the 15-minute tasks. Those that participated in the mindfulness intervention group showed significantly higher levels of mindfulness and self-esteem after their practice while there was no change in the scores of these measures for the group that only read the Venus Fly Trap story. Although further research is necessary to ensure that mindfulness training can have longer-term effects on self-esteem, the researchers conclude that ‘mindfulness may be a useful way to address the underlying processes associated with low self-esteem, without temporarily bolstering positive views of oneself by focusing on achievement or other transient factors. In brief, mindfulness may assist individuals to experience a more secure form of high self-esteem.’ This study confirms that we don’t need to do any more than to notice our self-critical thoughts with mindful attention (read here: attending to them in the moment with openness and acceptance, while not trying to change them, thinking positively or beating ourselves up for having them), allowing them to come and go naturally. This is how we can lessen the impact that our self-criticism has on our self-confidence.

Unworkable persistent positive optimism

Many therapies, tools and techniques encourage us to try relaxing, thinking positively (i.e. challenge and reappraise that critical voice) and setting ourselves goals to attain. This can work fantastically for a time, but then, if it all goes tits up (which it inevitably will again), our inner critic is reactivated. The shame of failing at what everyone else has been touting as the next great thing (and yes, mindfulness, if not taught clearly, can fall into this trap too) either causes us to give up, or if you have strong perfectionist tendencies, to try again. This can lead to a tyrannical pattern of endless rejection of ourselves, our community, our world: ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘you’re not good enough’, ‘work’s not good enough’, ‘life’s not good enough’. Brené Brown calls this the culture of ‘scarcity’, and in her research she asks her participants to fill in the blank in the phrase: ‘never … enough.’ Examples include: interesting, smart, nice, safe, perfect, thin, powerful, good. How many can you come up with?

Exercise 3.6: Work in progress

Nothing is ever enough!

Have a think about what your critic might happily insert into the following blanks (if your critic is anything like ours, you might find that you have more than one for each sentence, which is fine!). This is a useful exercise to continue your work on noticing your critic’s voice and disarming its power:

• I’m never … enough
• He is never … enough
• She is never … enough
• It is never … enough
• They are never … enough
• This book is not … enough

Sometimes, in fact perhaps often, we can clearly see the merit in loosening our habitual, narrow and restricted views of ourselves and the world as we think we/it should be, and how we/it fall/s short of that. Like ‘yeah, it would be great if I stopped buying into the belief that “I am never confident enough”’, because we know that this feels bad and actually undermines our confidence further. Nevertheless, it can be very challenging to relinquish our grip on these views, even if we know they are not beneficial, as we also do not trust in or even know any alternatives. So we ask ourselves ‘what does it look like in this moment not to buy into the belief that “I am never confident enough”’? and come up with: ‘I don’t know’, ‘scary’, ‘too difficult to imagine’, etc. So, if you are able and this type of response shows up for you, then just let this insight be enough for now. Rob Burbea, a Buddhist teacher, writes about ‘the confidence to let go’. He states:

‘… There may be times, for example, when we know it would be best to let go of an unhelpful attachment but somehow we just can’t. Perhaps at a certain level we feel desperate, and unable to imagine that we could be okay without this thing that we are clinging to. Perhaps even unconsciously we worry that letting it go would render us bereft of what we believe we need for our survival. If, however, we can have access to, and develop, a reservoir of profound inner well-being, it makes letting go of what is not helpful much easier. We feel that we have enough, so letting go is not so scary.

Over the long term, repeated and regular immersion in such well-being supports the emergence of a genuine confidence.’

(Burbea, 2014, loc 922)

Exercise 3.7: Mindful on the job

Developing a reservoir of profound inner well-being

Well, you heard the man (see above; no, not the sky, above in the text!), we need to repeat this one regularly. This practice will help you find space in times when the inner critic is on a rampage, and enhance and deepen groundedness and trust in yourself at work. Take time to allow this skill to develop, to broaden the reservoir so that any work struggles have somewhere soft and spacious to land. With time, you will see that this practice is another significant key to unlocking your genuine, authentic confidence in yourself (without relying on a shortage of positive self-affirmations or looking to transient work--related successes/achievements) and unhooking from the tyrannical struggle of your critic.

1. Find a spot to sit; somewhere restful helps, but is not essential. If you have a few minutes alone at your desk, in the park at lunchtime, or even in the loo cubicle (don’t forget to flush!), use it for this. If you don’t have time for that, then that sounds like a challenging place to be in, so don’t sweat trying to do this ‘perfectly’ and just do what you can when you can.
2. Feel the contact of your feet with the floor or surface they are resting on, or notice the absence of contact (for those high fliers out there).
3. Feel the sit bones on the chair or loo seat. Notice your body.
4. Take a breath and notice the journey of that in and out of your body. This is you, and this is you noticing your breath.
5. Check in with your mental state; it may be busy, still, engaged, distracted or something else. Whatever is there, just let it linger for a while. Just notice and perhaps say to yourself ‘I am noticing the busyness (or other quality) of my mind right now’.
6. Check in with your emotional state; it may be open, angry, indifferent, anxious or something else. Whatever is there, just let it linger for a while. Just notice and perhaps say to yourself ‘I am noticing the openness (or other quality) of my emotions right now’.
7. This is you, as you are right now, no more, no less.
8. Now say to yourself, ‘Hello (your name), I wish you well’ (no one can hear you!). You might feel silly at first; just notice this too. You might also want to say, ‘Hello silliness, welcome’. You may feel stuck, unsure, like you don’t get the point of this, calm, or anything else; just welcome them each in.
9. If you lose focus, that’s OK; welcome that too. You can return to step 2 at any point.
10. Whatever arises, continue to wish yourself well, just in this moment, just for now.

The relentless critic

Despite all the detrimental effects of engaging in criticism (whether directed towards ourselves or others), many of our clients continue to question how they could possibly manage without it. Many of us are so utterly used to having an inner bully, and attributing that to anything we achieve at work that the thought of quitting this self-deprecating habit leaves us feeling at a loss, scared and vulnerable. What would we do/be without our critic? How on earth are we supposed to motivate ourselves to improve? How would we get ahead without telling ourselves that we should do better?

You might like to take a moment for your own reflection.

Exercise 3.8: Work in progress

Critical reflection

• What does my inner critic say about how I have to be right now?
  Example: Josie: You need to be smarter, clearer and cleverer. You need to work harder and impress everyone. If you fail, you will feel crushing, burning shame and everyone will know what a stupid, bumbling fool you really are.
• What do I notice when I don’t look to my inner critic to define myself right now?
  Example: Josie: I feel calm, spacious and still in my body. I am not sure what will happen, but that feels OK right now. Actually without all the stress of beating myself up, I feel free and more energised to get stuff done.

Because we are so used to turning to what we believe is a voice of authority (which we have internalised as our inner critic and made super-tyrannical) to keep us on the straight and narrow and keep us ‘safe’ from failure, most of us feel a little uncertain about trusting our deeper, more centred sense of self and can feel quite vulnerable, certainly at first. In our often cut-throat, demanding, highly critical and competitive work environments, it is perfectly understandable to hide our sense of not-knowing and being unsure from others – for fear we may be eaten alive! So, hanging on to these beliefs for as long as you may have or continue to do so, is also OK too, as after all, you are only (an imperfect) human. And it is really difficult to be an imperfect human where the culture demands 100 per cent perfection. We are forever told that our best just isn’t good enough, so, with a little help from our inner tyrant, we end up working in a perpetual state of anxiety, fearing our mistakes and failures and constantly striving to do better. Oh, if only we could be good enough, wouldn’t it then all be OK? But, the truth is that no matter how much we try, we will mess up, fail and fall out of line, at least some of the time. Because we fear this failure so much, because it feels painful, our critic tries to help us to avoid it – but, dear friends, this is such hard, hard and futile work, simply eroding confidence faster than we can defend against it; we are caught in trying harder and harder still. Since our inner critic is so pervasive and convincing, let’s help you reflect further. Here are our top two facts to keep in mind.

Why criticism leads to failure (not success) …

1. If you really think about it, the main reason that we procrastinate or avoid new challenges at work is due to our fear of messing up. When there is even a distant whiff of failure, the self-critic is let loose (‘I’m so useless at this!’). We know this about ourselves all too well. Also, when we beat ourselves up in this way, well, that feels really very sh*t! So to prevent that occurring, we continue to beat ourselves up (‘I’m useless at that,’ ‘I can’t do that!’) to protect ourselves from ever going there – we know, ironic, right? This can also look something like:
2. ‘Cr*p, I did a really poor job of that, but I mustn’t think negatively, I must stop berating myself, it is only making me worse, I must try harder to be more positive, I’m really bad at that, why am I no good at being positive? What’s wrong with me?’
3. But that’s the truth here: the driving force behind our self-criticism is an attempt to avoid further failure. All sounds like a vicious cycle, doesn’t it? Well, that’s because it is. And it kind of makes sense: what better way to avoid any sudden feeling of failure than to have your critic keep that feeling alive for you all the while; you’ll certainly never be shocked by that feeling of failure again, now, will you (just the ticket if you tend to lack confidence)?
4. Getting caught up in a critical mind is a messy affair, which clouds our vision, and amongst all the feelings of stress and low self-worth that it induces, we can find it hard to take a really good look at ourselves and where we might actually be able to make a change for the better, even if we wanted to. So our critic really isn’t the best aid in our attempts to motivate or improve ourselves so that we can reach our desired targets and goals; it just keeps us in a constant state of intense negative emotions, feeling as if we are not good enough and failing, undermining our confidence and motivation.

In essence, engaging in this critical mind, although on the surface may look like the smart thing to do, isn’t actually the most useful strategy for bettering our performance and helping us get the results we want in our work. Self-criticism is actually performance-hindering as it triggers our stress response (fight or flight). Our self-critic alerts us to a threat (read here: our own imperfections) and we then begin to attack that threat (which in this case is actually ourselves!) with more self-criticism and eventually we then shut down in a defensive position, and become depressed – which we’re sure you’d agree is not the most motivational mental state to find yourself in. You may think that arguing with your critic is the answer but you needn’t do that either (that sounds like being critical of your critic again) – the truth is that your critic is basically a total smart-arse and will always try and convince you of its righteousness. You will totally recognise this if you’ve ever tried to engage in a debate with someone who is convinced they are right (no matter what logic, facts or convincing counter-arguments you may provide).

So what are we supposed to do without criticism? How will we better ourselves, improve, excel and strive towards achieving more of what we want and what matters to us in our work? The fact that we don’t really know how to operate without a bully whipping our backs and making constant demands, is NOT evidence that we couldn’t actualise all our desires without it. No. We can do all these things, but we must recognise the obstacle that criticism actually is to achieving them and instead cultivate a new, more viable and productive way of operating.

So what is this alternative way? Well, just for a second, let’s suppose that it is wiser to accept the fallibility of being human. What do you think that might be like? However scary this may sound, just for a moment, let’s consider it as, let’s face it folks, despite our very best efforts we are not, nor will we ever be, 100 per cent perfect. Owning up to our limitations and flaws and responding to our, and others’, mess ups and mistakes with genuine kindness and compassion rather than punitive criticism is the way that we can continue to retain the confidence to move on the things that are most important to us in our work and which lead us to greater work success.

Is self-compassion really the new self-criticism?

‘Don’t be embarrassed by your failures, learn from them and start again.’

Richard Branson

Reminding ourselves of our gains, successes, and wins as a way to promote our confidence and self-esteem, as we strive through our working day and our career, means that we are going to need a constant stream of external validation to feel good about ourselves. Yes, this false sense of self-esteem comes with a proviso and creates a boom or bust cycle. Of course it all works extremely well when we succeed as our self-esteem rockets sky high but when we inevitably fail again, our critic is set loose, damning us as a failure, or not good enough, and our self-worth, confidence and motivation then plummets. However, by adopting a more self-compassionate approach on the other hand, our self-worth, confidence and motivation remain more stable and secure.

With self-compassion we are warm, caring and kind to ourselves, particularly in times of failure, stress or hardship, in the same way that we might be toward a close colleague, friend or loved one. For example, when you’d usually berate yourself endlessly for mistakes you might make at work or damn yourself as a failure for setbacks or any flaws or inadequacy you notice in yourself, with self-compassion you might instead warmly acknowledge the upset you feel, talk kindly to yourself, remind yourself that you are only human and then coach yourself in a more supportive way and wish yourself well. Self-compassion is not about judging ourselves negatively or positively but more about taking a realistic and more helpful perspective on the situation we find ourselves in and choosing to relate to ourselves with kindness and acceptance; it’s about being truly accepting of ourselves, warts, flaws and all.

Kristin Neff, PhD is a leading researcher in the field of self-compassion and has outlined three components of self-compassion:

1. Self-kindness: Instead of self-criticism, we choose to talk to ourselves with kindness, patience and empathy, much like we would speak to a close colleague or friend.
2. Common humanity: Recognising the natural common ‘imperfection’ in being human. Rather than comparing ourselves to others we notice the similarities (i.e. weaknesses, flaws, inadequacies) between us and others.
3. Mindfulness: Simply noticing and practising acceptance of our unwanted and unpleasant experiences (i.e. failure) rather than trying to eliminate or suppress them. We need to accept our suffering before we can be compassionate to ourselves.

When we bring compassion (read here: mindful attention of acceptance and kindness) to ourselves (the bad as well as the good parts) at work, there is nothing to fear, as deep down we know that we are only human, and as a human we will make mistakes, and that there are some factors that we simply cannot control. So, although in hindsight I know that my behaviour wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be, I can still be assured that I am still all that I am meant to be! So self-compassion gives us the tools, strength, motivation and confidence to take risks at work and tackle new challenges as we feel better prepared to face difficult feelings, like failure, as and when they may arise. In being self-compassionate, we recognise that suffering and inadequacy are part of our shared human experience; we are all in the same boat in that way. So when we are confronted with personal failings, we respond with more understanding, acceptance and self-care. Mindfulness practice helps us to practise and cultivate self-compassion, as we repeatedly meet our busy mind, and any difficult thoughts and feelings, without judgement, in an accepting way.

In not beating ourselves up when we fail, but instead offering ourselves expressions of kindness and acceptance, we retain visibility on where and how we can make a change and also, as importantly, we remain confident to take wiser actions even if they feel difficult to do. We will return to this topic later (in Chapter 5) where we will see the transformational power that mindful compassion can have, not only upon ourselves and our own confidence in the workplace, but also upon our wider working community. We’d really encourage you to take a look at the excellent TED Talk by Kristin Neff, listed in the ‘Useful resources’ section at the end of this chapter to find out more about self-compassion and how it compares to self-esteem and especially how self-compassion is a much more effective motivator than self-criticism to help us get ahead at work.

If you are anything like us, you’re probably thinking that this all sounds great but is any of this actually backed up by science? Does a more compassionate approach really help with our confidence and consequentially our motivation to face challenges and therefore excel? Will self-compassion really help you to succeed in your work? Well, yes. Take a look at this:

So we can see that self-compassionate, mindful people still set high standards for themselves, they retain confidence and are motivated to take action towards their desired goals. The difference between them and those that rely on a critical mind for motivation is that they are not as thwarted, despairing or clouded by a fog of stress, negative feelings and anguish or feeling quite as underconfident when they don’t meet their goals, leaving them more motivated to try again. Self-compassionate people have a more stable sense of confidence and motivation in their work as their drive to work hard is based on their desire to learn and flourish and not because they need to prove anything to themselves or avoid the negative appraisal from others (i.e. eliminate feelings of failure). In short, self-compassion is not about taking the easy way out, increasing the chances that we never step up to responsibility or take productive action towards making any improvements. In fact it’s a tried and tested way of ensuring that we excel and reach our fullest potential in our work.

So if you are with us on this, and to ensure that you cultivate a more self-compassionate mindset (rather than habitually relying on self-criticism) to enhance your confidence and motivate yourself at work, you might like to begin increasing your awareness of your self-compassionate attitude. You can start to do this with the following exercise (which has been adapted from the ‘ACT with Compassion’ work [www.actwithcompassion.com] of Jason Luoma et al. at the Portland Therapy Center in Oregon USA and based on the ‘Self-Compassion Scale’ by Kristin Neff, which you may also choose to complete online to see how self-compassionate you actually are; see ‘Useful resources’).

Exercise 3.9: Work in progress

Noticing self-compassion in your work

• To really start to build a more self-compassionate attitude we would suggest that you work through this exercise regularly (at least 3–5 days per week).
• Before you finish up your work for the day, or maybe on your way home, take a few minutes to work through this exercise to increase awareness of how you treated yourself throughout the working day. Reflect on any moment(s) when you were struggling, upset, underperforming or feeling highly self-critical.
• Over time, you can monitor your progress and see how your scores may change (the higher your scores the more self-compassionate you are).
• Carefully read each statement before answering.
• Rate how often you behaved in the following ways over the working day:
  1 = not at all, 2 = a bit, 3 = sometimes, 4 = mostly, 5 = all the time

1. When things went badly for me today, I saw the difficulties as part of normal working life that everyone experiences.
2. I tried to be kind towards myself when I was feeling upset at work.
3. When I was feeling down or upset today, I reminded myself that there are lots of other people at work feeling just like I am.
4. When things were difficult at work today, I tried not to be self-critical and tough on myself.
5. I was caring towards myself at work today.
6. I saw my failings as part of the human condition.
7. When I felt painful feelings today, I tried to be mindful and approach my feelings with curiosity, acceptance and openness.
8. When I struggled at work today, I was not disapproving and judgemental about my flaws and inadequacies.
9. I was tolerant and patient towards those aspects of my personality I don’t like.
10. I was able to acknowledge the importance of self-compassion.

We are now going to look at another mindful way of building confidence through self-compassion. This is not, as you might imagine, by trying to think positively instead and conjure up a sure-fire solution to the shortcomings and failures of ourselves and the people we work with. Rather than yet again unleashing your ferocious, snarling critic in the hope of chasing all your vulnerabilities away, why not try holding your discomfort and soft spots with mindful attention and some unconditional kindness and compassion; after all, you do seem to really care. Why not try this radically different approach now and practise it regularly to boost your self-confidence:

Exercise 3.10: Mindful on the job

Enough is enough

For the following exercise recall the phrase of scarcity – ‘never . . . enough’ – a favourite of our inner tyrant, which you considered earlier in this chapter.

• Close your eyes or allow them to rest softly on a still object in front of you.
• Repeat the phrase, ‘I’m never . . . (insert your own word) ... enough’ (or whatever expression resonates as your self-critical voice more); be gentle in your tone to yourself.
• Scan your body to see where you can locate any feelings and sensations (i.e. of anxiety, frustration, sadness, etc.) arising as you say this. Notice what is alive in your body right now.
• Allow these feelings to linger for a while.
• Allow yourself to feel this and breathe: no stories, no dramas, just stay with the physical sensations in your body. See this with your attention and allow yourself to comprehend the experience at hand.
• Let go of the phrasing now, leave any compulsion to embellish a story, resist sensations, distract away from your experience alone as much as possible. If this feels impossible, just see if you can observe the habitual hanging on and simply notice this.
• Use the breath and the bodily sensations as your point of reference to the here and now.
• Can you allow yourself to experience just this?
• Now, hold your hand up, palm facing towards the discomfort in your body (is it at your chest, stomach, some other place?).
• As your hand gently rests against your body where this discomfort resides, hold this pain gently (as you might support the head of a baby) and breathe consciously.
• Repeat the words (silently if you wish), ‘I care about this pain/suffering/imperfection/vulnerability. This is part of my experience, this makes me human’.
• Can you allow yourself to have this?
• Continue to breathe mindfully while you support this vulnerable part of you: no need to avoid, escape or eliminate it – just allow it to be.
• Continue to breathe mindfully and repeat the words to yourself, ‘I am sorry that you are experiencing this pain, I am here for you’.
• Take a few more mindful breaths.
• When you are ready, begin to open your eyes again and continue your day with a rejuvenated sense of confidence in being who you are, the full you, supported by YOU.

Through this exercise we learn to simply allow ourselves to feel (through emotions and physical sensations) the experience that we usually attempt to divert from when we are questioning our belief in ourselves and engaged in self-criticism. If we cease to engage with reactiveness (criticising yourself and everyone else) around the vulnerabilities we experience, in the hope of eliminating them once and for all, we can instead start to gently examine and allow ourselves to know our ‘soft spots’. We don’t need to talk about them or share them, although this can really help sometimes, but instead we allow them to be seen by our own careful, gentle gaze of mindful/compassionate attention. If it is hard to find a ‘gentle gaze’, kindness towards your struggles, a sense of allowing or ‘anything much’ in relation to this exercise, don’t worry. Merely paying this quality of attention (mindfulness) to ourselves is enough. The rest (including our natural sense of confidence) will unfold anyway, if we just give it the space. Essentially, in an exercise of self-compassion such as this, we can recognise but not challenge, embellish or celebrate our inner bully as we might usually do, and in doing so our self-criticism tends to quieten down; we begin to doubt ourselves less, allowing us to create a more stable source of self-confidence and self-worth in our work.

Here are our top summary tips for you to take away from this chapter:

As we end this chapter, we do encourage you to remember the amazing discovery of neuroplasticity (if you need a recap, go back a few pages to the previous chapter and take another look). In short, the more we choose to think, do and experience stuff a certain way, the more we can think, do and experience that stuff again. This is just as relevant to building up confidence at work (by using the exercises in this chapter) as anything else. Confidence can be learned, enhanced and rejuvenated (even after a mighty crash!) – don’t forget that. We hope that this chapter has helped to provide valuable insight as well as practical tips about how you might continue to build your confidence at work with mindfulness. Next, we are keen to turn your attention to creativity and how mindfulness can help us to ensure that we remain as fresh, open and innovative as we can while on the job.

• Brown, B. (2010, June). The power of vulnerability [video file]. Retrieved from: http:///www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability
• Neff, K. [Tedx Talks]. (2013, February 6). The space between self-esteem and self compassion: Kristin Neff at TEDxCentennialParkWomen [video file]. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IvtZBUSplr4
• Neff, K. (2015). Test how self-compassionate you are [www.self-compassion.org]. Retrieved from: http://self-compassion.org/test-how-self-compassionate-you-are/
• Strubickmubie. (2008, May 14). How to make a paper/origami fortune teller [video file]. Retrieved from: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BYarlKnetRs