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Building an Authentic Connection
“Whereas the best mentors tend to be smart about the more technical elements and nuances of whatever it is they do for a living, they also must show a different kind of intelligence…They must have emotional radar that senses what their protégé is feeling, and what they too are feeling during the guidance process.”
—Stephen E. Kohn and Vincent D. O'Connell, 9 Powerful Practices of Really Great Mentors: How to Inspire and Motivate Anyone
So, what's an authentic connection between two human beings? In my view, it's one in which both people feel truly seen, known, and respected. Such connections can grow organically through long acquaintance, for instance between family members, longtime friends, or colleagues who have worked together for years. Or they can be established quite quickly by people who have the skill, desire, and grace, to put energy into doing it. Barack and Michelle Obama, for instance, both excel at connecting almost instantly with people they talk with. Can you think of other leaders who have that apparently innate gift of charisma? Other politicians who are master communicators, such as John Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and Bill Clinton, come to mind, along with revered athletes such as Stephen Curry, Tom Brady, Magic Johnson, and David Ortiz, and media personalities such as Oprah Winfrey.
You recognize the people who have this ability. Whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, a fan of the Lakers or the Celtics, you can tell that some politicians have it and some athletes have it, while others just don't. They may be really smart, they may have great ideas, they may be very talented, but they aren't able to quickly win people's trust. For instance, having grown up in Boston, and obviously being a lifelong Celtics fan, I may not like the Lakers very much, but I cannot deny the brilliance of Magic Johnson, not only as a player and a man, but also as a charismatic leader. He's someone you instantly feel you know or would love to know. Magic gets it. People like Magic can both form authentic connections with other people and inspire people to want to follow them. Were they just born with this gift? No. It's a thing that can be studied and learned. How do people who have this power achieve it?
For one thing, they focus not on themselves but on the person they are speaking to. This takes some getting used to. When it comes to communicating, most of us naturally focus on ourselves as speakers. We slip into our Speaking Mode, absorbed in questions such as: what should I say? How should I say it? How well am I coming across? The last place we are is exactly where we should be—fully present in the moment with the person or people we're talking with. From the point of view of effective communication, we may be working very hard, but we are not working very smart. We are operating in the dark, making random guesses as to what may really be on the other person's mind, without any targeting whatsoever. To make matters worse, being in our own heads as we are, we are far more likely to miss whatever clues a person is actually sending us.
When we switch to the Listening Mode, everything changes. Now all our effort in communication goes into understanding where the other person is, what might be most helpful to him or her at that moment, and the terms in which he or she can best be reached. Now, when we finally decide to speak, we are more effective because whatever we say will be directed, concise, and to the point. Instead of operating in the dark, making random points that are of no interest to our listener, we are now working at maximum efficiency. Whatever carefully considered comments we choose to make have a far greater chance of hitting their mark and being heard.
The essence of effective coaching is great communication, and the core of great communication is not great speaking but great listening. The good news here is that it is so much easier to be a great listener than it is to be a great speaker. Listening Mode requires only making a commitment to developing the habits and basic skills of a listener. Many people do not think they can be successful communicators because they are not articulate speakers or because they may tend toward the shy, quiet, or introverted end of the spectrum. But when you communicate primarily through Listening Mode, these exact qualities that seem at odds with success for someone in Speaking Mode are your very strengths.
Anyone can be a great listener by simply determining to be one and by practicing a few basic active-listening skills. First seek to ask open-ended questions that don't lead to abrupt, closed yes-or-no answers. Toward this end take advantage of the five ws + h: who, what, where, when, why, and how. By following up on whatever someone says with simple questions that begin with one of these six words, we avoid overly elaborate and wordy statements and questions (really a disguised reversion to our Speaking Mode). We also stay focused on the person in front of us and his or her train of thought until we reach the point at which we have something meaningful to say.
With your Listening Mode in place, the key principles that contribute to building an authentic connection in a Coaching Up conversation are actually pretty simple:
- If possible, choose the setting for maximum comfort.
- Greet your player warmly and personally.
- Begin the conversation with a human connection, not a functional one.
- Keep your posture relaxed, and speak slowly, clearly, and thoughtfully.
- Stay focused on your player.
- Practice humor and humility.
If Possible, Choose the Setting for Maximum Comfort
You won't always have a choice about the setting for your Coaching Up Conversation. Sometimes the opportunity for this kind of conversation arises suddenly, and the conversation needs to happen then and there. No matter. Authentic connections are infinitely transportable. But when you have a choice, consider shifting the location for this important conversation away from the day-to-day setting in which you and your player work or live.
Even under the most seemingly hostile circumstances or conditions, it is always possible with just a word, glance, or gesture to signal to someone your intention to communicate with them in a special and personal way. Often that intention alone, rather than any lengthy content, is sufficient to achieve your end. One of my favorite examples of this occurs in one of the all-time classic sports movies, Hoosiers. This movie was based on the true (though heavily fictionalized) story of a boys' high school basketball team from the (fictional) rural Indiana town of Hickory, who overcame tremendous odds to win the 1952 state championship. They did it by playing as a team, led by transformational coach Norman Dale, played by Gene Hackman.
The moment of truth comes in a critical game near the end of their basketball season. The hugely overachieving Hickory team is trailing by one point with seconds left in the game. Because of a shortage of players, the team is forced to play with its equipment manager and least talented player, Ollie McLellan, who is sent to the free throw line to take two critical free throws, both of which he must make for the team to recover the lead.
The opposing team calls a time-out to “freeze” Ollie. Coach Dale starts addressing his players on the bench about what they are to do after Ollie makes both free throws—what kind of defense they will play and what various scenarios they might encounter in the final seconds of the biggest game of their lives. Ollie is sitting there listening to Coach Dale, a bundle of jittery nerves. This is a kid who hasn't played all year, and suddenly the entire fortunes of not just the team and the school but also the entire town depend on him. Clearly, this situation was not optimized for comfort. But in the middle of this intensely high-pressure situation, addressing his whole team, Coach Dale then says, “After Ollie makes both free throws,”—and turning to Ollie says, “and you will make them…” and then continues back into his strategy for the ensuing defensive possession.
Coach Dale doesn't lecture Ollie on how to shoot a free throw or try to hypnotize Ollie into believing he can make them. He just gives him a simple message of support at a time when confidence building is the central direction the coach needs to communicate. More important, it's a classic example of finding time, in the middle of a public venue, and in front of the entire team and thousands of fans in the arena, to create a private moment between a coach and a player.
Armed with increased confidence, and the belief of his coach, Ollie heads out of the time-out, confidently sinks both free throws, and becomes a champion, immortalized in the history books as a legend of Indiana basketball.
If you really pause to think about this scenario, you will very likely recognize the value of that one-on-one connection. With just a shift of your attention or energy, you can carve out a special moment of communication with anyone.
Of course, you can also make a larger gesture of connection. Think how it feels when a colleague suggests getting drinks, walking across the street for coffee, or meeting at his or her house for a cookout. Don't you immediately begin to relax? This is about forming a connection. This invitation shows that the person is recognizing you as a human being, not just a colleague, and wants to build a more personal relationship with you. Imagine if you reach out to a colleague and suggest getting together for breakfast, and your colleague responds with “I'm busy. Let's just meet in the office. I'll book a conference room for us.” How do you feel? You're probably left thinking something along the lines of “Hmm, I guess I'm just a function for this person, someone who can help him get his work done, and not of much value or use outside that role.” How will that perspective affect your conversation in the conference room, when the meeting happens? Will you be in the same state of mind entering the room as you would have been had your colleague responded with “Absolutely! Let's do it. Breakfast at 8:30 on Monday? Looking forward to catching up outside the office for once. It's about time!”
So, how can you do this in practice? Well, if you work together in an office, you could suggest grabbing breakfast or lunch, as in the example above, or simply getting a little air. Just walking together in harmony establishes a kind of connection. Maybe take a stroll to a nearby park or coffee shop for your conversation.
If you're planning a conversation with a friend or family member, think of a setting in which the other person is likely to feel relaxed and comfortable. Sometimes, if the conversation is on a deeply personal topic, you may want to talk in a room with a door that closes, for privacy. At other times, your office, your kitchen table, or a park bench overlooking a stretch of river or pond can feel just right. I generally prefer walking; if you are walking in the same direction with your player, you are instinctively working together—expanding similar energy and already making progress toward a mutual goal of arriving somewhere. You are therefore both in the right environment to have a positive conversation. Plus, being outside—in fresh air and (with luck) sunshine—combined with physical exercise, naturally puts us human beings in a better mood.
Greet Your Player Warmly and Personally
In any one-on-one situation between two people, the most essential principle is to be authentic. At the same time, it's incumbent on the person who holds more power or authority in the relationship to do the work of connecting, inviting the other person into the conversation, welcoming him or her, and making him or her comfortable. In How to Get People to Do Stuff, Susan Weinschenk cuts straight to the point: “you'll be more persuasive when you look directly at a person and use a slight smile.”
The Verbal Greeting
So when you greet your player, be sure to look directly into his or her eyes and say something like “Great to see you” or “So glad to have this chance to catch up with you.” Take this opportunity to reassure your player, right from the first moment, that you value him or her and are glad to be in his or her presence. By all means use casual, comfortable, incomplete sentences; they feel more natural and authentic than a tight-laced “Good morning, X. Thank you for taking the time to meet with me. I am very glad to see you today.” I mean, who talks like that any more? That sort of stiff formality would be off-putting to pretty much everyone in contemporary U.S. culture.
Here's another suggestion that may feel counterintuitive: In greeting your player warmly and personally, it's best not to call her or him by name. The use of someone's given name establishes a certain distance, even a level of formality. Nicknames are another matter. Nicknames, so long as they are friendly ones that the player enjoys, are badges of inclusion. Why are there always nicknames on teams? The nickname establishes a special relationship. If you know the person's generally used nickname, and it feels natural to use it, go ahead with a “Hey, Bomber, great to see you.” And note that little things matter—it's “Hey, Bomber” not “Hi, Bomber,” because even “Hi” can be perceived as relatively formal. You start a really formal letter with “Dear Mr./Ms. X,” a slightly less formal letter with “Hi John/Mary,” a more informal letter with “Hey J/M,” and a thoroughly informal note with a “Yo Buddy” or something similar, or just by jumping right into the message. If you want to signal that you respect and recognize the other person as an equal, as a friend, as an insider, take the overt formality out of your greeting.
In fact, I don't think I have a single friend who calls me by my full first name, Jordan. It's “J,” “Fliegel,” “Fleegs,” or any of an infinite number of variations on those themes, based on how well someone knows me. When I hear people say “Jordan,” my first thought is that these are people who don't know me very well or with whom I've failed to build an authentic connection. If they knew that I trusted them and valued their friendship, they would likely feel comfortable enough to keep it simple with a “J.”
Here's another way to think about this: when you send an e-mail message to a colleague with whom you have a long-standing, positive, and (we hope) authentic relationship, do you sign off with your full name or even your full first name? My experience suggests it's unlikely. I imagine you use an abbreviation, such as your nickname or first initial. Or perhaps you don't include your name at all—after all, he or she knows who you are from your e-mail address, and if you have a real relationship, he or she won't be offended by your not taking the extra seconds to type out your name.
Furthermore, it's really a sign of respect to keep your e-mail short by avoiding the formal greeting and formal conclusion; it sends a clear message that “you and I have an authentic connection so I don't need to observe all these formalities and can get straight to the point, the purpose of my e-mail, my concise direction.” As legendary University of California–Los Angeles basketball coach John Wooden once famously said when describing his success in reaching and motivating his players: “It's simple; there's a lot of love in my coaching.” Try to demonstrate that quality in every e-mail message you send, precisely by taking out any formality that indicates a lack of true warmth.
The Physical Greeting—or Not
In greeting your player, you may also want to make initial physical contact when and as appropriate. This is a tricky area. Physical contact nowadays is awash in hazards. In our culture, at least, adult men and women must be very careful not to make any physical contact with other adults or youths that could possibly be misinterpreted as overly familiar, intimate, or sexual. On the other hand, it's a natural impulse to reach out and touch someone in greeting, and it's a great way to connect on a person-to-person level. You just have to know the cultural rules.
In France, Belgium, and Italy, for instance, it's completely normal for adults to actively embrace an acquaintance of either gender in greeting, not only with hugs but also with kisses on both cheeks. In fact, in some situations, the failure to embrace in this way would be considered rude. In the United States, however, people may greet friends that way when they meet up outside of work situations but would not normally do so in the office. Here, businesspeople in many professions still habitually employ the formal handshake. There's nothing wrong with a handshake if the culture of your organization endorses that form of greeting. And you can humanize a handshake by accompanying it with a sincere smile and verbal greeting or by placing your other hand over the clasped hands of the handshake to emphasize the warmth of your welcome.
Still, in less formal cultures—the startup community comes to mind, as do sporting events and social events—a handshake can be off-putting. In fact, it can do damage. It signals: “we are not close; I am relating to you formally, not personally.” Options for physical contact with acquaintances in those situations may include, depending on your gender, age, and relationship with the other person, hugs, cheek kissing, fist bumping, high fives, pounding each other's shoulders, and so on. Some informal offices (CoachUp's office, for instance) tend to see a lot of fist bumps and high fives. These have the advantage of being informal, casual, peer-to-peer connections. They serve to reinforce warm connections that have already been established. And, perhaps most important, they mimic the behavior used on sports teams, where chemistry and teamwork are often much stronger than in the corporate world.
But remember that your physical greetings, much like your posture, must at all times demonstrate not only warmth and vulnerability but also confidence. “People are more likely to do what you want them to do when they consider you to be a leader. To be seen as a leader, you must show confidence via your body posture and stance,” Susan Weinchenk adds.
A Brilliant Casual Greeting
One of the best examples in my experience of a culturally relevant greeting—and a true example of deploying the Coaching Up Model with very few words—came from David Ortiz, the phenomenal baseball slugger known to thousands of adoring Red Sox fans as “Big Papi.” I had been trying to meet him for ages, as I wanted to discuss projects that I thought would be mutually interesting, but our schedules never coincided. Then one night I attended the big charity fundraiser in Boston for his Children's Fund—raising money for pediatric services for kids in need in both New England and the Dominican Republic—and there he was. He was with a mutual acquaintance, who signaled me over to introduce us.
The place was packed and jumping, the noise overwhelming, and, of course, the focus was on the important work his charity was doing. Clearly this was no place for an actual conversation. But Ortiz looked me right in the eye, grinned, walked over to me, reached out that powerful right arm to engage me in a dap (the quick, less formal version of a handshake), and said to me: “You good?”
To which I grinned back and said, “I'm great. Awesome event.”
And he nodded, and I told him how much I was looking forward to sitting down with him soon, and he said “Likewise.” We bumped fists and nodded again, he posed for a photo with my date (which made her night), and that was that. No more than 30 seconds, start to finish.
Why was this so inspiring to me? After all, hadn't he just come over to say hi? Why did it feel like so much more than that?
The answer is that it felt like a complete conversation, as though all the important things had been sorted out, which they had. He signaled that he recognized me in an authentic connection. He went out of his way to greet me as a peer, which I am not. He skipped any formalities that would have suggested, “I don't know you, Mr. Random Business Guy” and skipped over the “Hi” and went right to the kind of peer greeting that he would have given to a longtime friend. He then delighted my date by offering a quick pic with her, again genuinely supporting me by signaling that he values the new connection. My date may have left thinking, “Wow, David Ortiz actually cares about J for some reason,” which, David being the huge star that he is, certainly makes me look good, right? And I came away feeling that we would talk again, under different circumstances, when it made sense. That was David's concise direction to me; it could have been translated as “I am obviously busy right now, but I know who you are, and I'm open to considering doing something with you, so I'm going to go out of my way to quickly make you realize that.”
That casual, peer-to-peer greeting has stayed with me ever since as a fine model for interactions with others in the startup world, sports world, or other casual settings, not to mention in more traditional corporate settings, where very often a leader can stand out just by acting like a genuine human being. In my view, that kind of greeting should be used in just about every setting in the United States, and in cultures similar to ours, by any leader who wants to build authentic connections. I like to think of it as “The Ortiz.”
Let's review what David Ortiz did and how it worked. He is a superstar; I am not. It was his charity's big night. He could have shown superiority in how he greeted me, or in choosing not to greet me. But he chose a very different path that left me inspired and excited about finding ways to work together. David Ortiz has it—that charisma thing. The rest of us can learn from what he does and why it works so well. In less than a minute, and by saying only “You good?” and “Likewise,” he (1) built an authentic connection with me, (2) gave me genuine support, and (3) offered me concise direction.
Are we reading too much into this? Was he just coming over to say hi? If you asked someone like David Ortiz, or Barack Obama, to break down how they build so many strong relationships and leave everyone they touch inspired and fully in their camps, they would likely not be able to analyze precisely how they do it or to label it as we are doing here. But they definitely have the gift of being able to make it happen. It's like an elite athlete who reacts in an instant when making a dazzling play but can't describe afterward how he or she knew to do it, or a writer banging away at a keyboard typing 100 words a minute, who couldn't tell you where the W key is but never has to look for it. There's a lot of muscle memory contributing to a fundamental system that works.
The bottom line: If you are uncertain about employing any of these forms of physical contact in greeting the person you're having a Coaching Up Conversation with, then play it safe and pack the warmth of your welcome into your verbal greeting and facial expression.
Begin the Conversation with a Human Connection, Not a Functional One
Be sure that you don't launch right into the issue at hand. Take the time to check in with your player person to person, not coach to player, leader to employee, or parent to child. Ask open-ended questions (not yes/no questions) that invite him or her to connect with you: “so, how's it going?” “How are things with you?” “How're you doing?” “What's new?” “How was your weekend?”
You are asking these questions because you really want to elevate this conversation above a strictly functional, coach-to-player, leader-to-employee, parent-to-child conversation. This is between two human beings, full stop. It gives you a chance to let the player take the conversation in a direction that will be more intimate—a direction that will strengthen your peer-to-peer relationship, providing an opening for authenticity. On the basis of your player's response to the question, see whether you can either find an opportunity to go deeper into the connection or move on to providing support.
You probably are doing this already, but subconsciously. Ever asked, “How was your weekend?” and the other person says that he or she took the family fishing, or to the beach, or whatever? Very likely you naturally followed up with support along the lines of “Oh, nice. Beautiful weather last weekend, must have been great out there on the lake.” Why do you feel a need to say that? Well, because intrinsically, you want to connect and support this person. You want him or her to know that you care about, respect, and value him or her as a person. If he or she told you what he or she did over the weekend, and you didn't say anything positive, you could be signaling that you think those weekend plans were questionable, or even worse, that you don't really care and were just asking the question to make small talk—an impression someone might gather if you didn't respond at all to his or her answer.
By the way, the classic office water cooler or coffee station is exactly where conversations around the weekend, the family, or vacation plans come up and where authentic connections are attempted and genuine support is often provided. We all do it. We just don't tend to put much thought into it. The great thing about bringing it to our attention is that we can then act deliberately to form human connections rather than conducting functional conversations.
A key element of maintaining an authentic connection throughout any Coaching Up Conversation is actively noticing how both you and the other person are feeling. Another mental model for this kind of relationship is mentoring. As Stephen E. Kohn and Vincent D. O'Connell say in their book, 9 Powerful Practices of Really Great Mentors: How to Inspire and Motivate Anyone, “Effective mentors gauge emotional reactions from protégés to certain stimuli, such as a prodding question or discussion of a prior troublesome event. Mentors need to be comfortable reflecting the feelings of their protégés and owning up to their own while mentoring is underway.”
If nothing else, I hope this book helps you recognize when you do act to form authentic connections in your everyday life. I hope it makes you more conscious of the process—including noticing how the other person feels when you practice it and how good it makes you feel, too.
Keep Your Posture Relaxed, and Speak Slowly, Clearly, and Thoughtfully
As your player responds to your greeting, and as the conversation continues, note his or her body language. Is he or she tense, nervous, anxious? Many people feel anxious in one-on-one conversations with people in positions of authority, even if they already know and like the other person. You can help your player relax by deliberately relaxing your own body. A vastly underappreciated form of human connection is the way we unconsciously pick up cues from other people's body language. By some estimates, 80 percent of communication is nonverbal. So, be aware of what you are communicating nonverbally. Throughout the conversation, keep your posture relaxed. (Of course, you want to be respectful, too; no feet on desks!) It's hard to stay tense in the presence of someone who is relaxed, comfortable, attentive, and pleased to be in the conversation.
And if your player brings up a particularly important or sensitive point, lean in. Get closer. Maybe take off your glasses, if you're wearing them. Use your posture to communicate your sincere interest in what this person is saying to you.
In the same vein, as the conversation proceeds, remember to speak slowly, clearly, and thoughtfully. Relaxed leaders allow space for reflection, rather than rattling off long strings of words. When you listen to experts discussing a topic, they often pause before answering a question, to give it their full consideration. And then they boil down their response to as concise a formulation as possible. Finally, they know when to stop. They don't keep blathering on just to fill the silence. Silence is okay! In The Extraordinary Coach, John Zenger and Kathleen Stinnett articulate this final point well by encouraging leaders to practice the acronym W.A.I.T.—“W.A.I.T.” as in “Why Am I Talking?” The authors go on to point out that when we are truly trying to understand our coachee's current state of mind, we would do well to keep this handy acronym in mind—and that the person being coached should be talking at least 75 percent of the time.
Stay Focused on Your Player
This is the core of the authentic connection you want to establish (or reinforce, if you've already established it). You want to stay focused on your player both physically and mentally. Remember: this meeting is not about you. This meeting is all about your player.
The first rule of staying focused on your player is maintaining eye contact. This means exactly what it says. Look your player in the eye continuously. Of course, you don't want to take this to silly extremes; you're allowed to blink as needed. You can also occasionally glance away when deep in thought, as you mull over something the other person has asked you, to give it your full, thoughtful attention before responding. But in general, maintain eye contact, full stop.
And when you do speak, feel free to use hand gestures to illustrate your point. As Susan Weinschenk notes, “Using no hand gestures at all conveys a lack of interest. Make sure the people you are talking to can see your hands. If they can't see your hands, it will be hard for them to trust you.”
The second rule of staying focused is this: don't do anything else! Above all, do not multitask. Don't play around with your pencil or peek at your cell phone, don't doodle, and certainly don't read, let alone answer, e-mail messages. When you multitask, you are damaging your connection with the other person. Think about the cost in those terms. It's not just that you might miss or misconstrue what he or she is saying: there is a real expense to damaging the connection. You're almost better off not having the meeting at all.
When I was first launching CoachUp, I was really bad at this. I was so busy running around putting out fires that I never felt I had the time just to sit and listen to someone for half an hour. But unless you give the person you are talking with your entire, focused attention, you are actively communicating that you don't value what he or she is saying. You are claiming that you have priorities way above your connection with him or her. Moreover, you are revealing that you are disorganized, that you don't even know your own priorities, because very likely you set this meeting. If you've ever made a presentation, or just raised a point of view, in a meeting in which other people were on their phones or computers, I'm sure you will recall how it made you feel. And conversely, if you've been in the presence of someone who gave you his or her undivided attention, you will surely remember how great that felt.
The more you can focus on the person you are talking with, the more respected he or she will feel. If you know anyone who is close with Tom Brady, the first thing he or she will say about Tom is that when you are in his presence, you have the feeling that you have his entire attention. He looks you right in the eye, and he listens. And he's Tom Brady! If there is anyone alive who might feel entitled not to treat regular mortals this way, it's Tom. So the fact that he does look at you, and he does listen, makes that much stronger an impact.
And the third rule—possibly the hardest to follow for some of us—is this: avoid the first-person singular. If you feel tempted to utter a sentence that begins with I, think it over. Does it truly enrich the conversation? Will it be helpful to the person you're with? Or is it purely about you?
This is not a hard-and-fast rule. It's okay to talk about yourself a little from time to time, when it feels directly relevant to the conversation. But in general, in a Coaching Up Conversation, keep your focus on the person you're talking to.
Practice Humor and Humility
These are the two most important qualities you can bring to a Coaching Up Conversation. Although humor and humility are two very different things, they stem from a common core: both are grounded in vulnerability. When a leader shows himself or herself as vulnerable, that leader becomes real. The real leader is someone followers can relate to. He or she provides a green field for authentic connections.
When you try to be funny, you take a risk that your joke will fail, or even worse, that you will be ridiculed. The very act of telling a joke signals to the group “I am a leader, I can take the risk of failing to be funny, because I am strong—my strength is rooted in being comfortable with my flaws, my vulnerability. Even if this joke fails, I'll still be a leader.” In addition, telling a joke demonstrates confidence. A confident person can take risks. A confident person believes in his or her own abilities. You have to take a risk and believe in yourself to tell a joke in front of a crowd. You aren't authentic because your joke succeeded; you are authentic because you thought you had something funny to put forward and were brave enough to let it out.
As for humility, it's beneficial if it's real and detrimental if it's fake. I've experienced both in my working life. What may be surprising is that a genuinely humble leader can get excited about doing something really well and say something ostensibly boastful, such as, “Holy cow, this thing is working now! I actually fixed it! I'm the man!” and his or her followers will laugh and know that this guy or gal is as humble as they come.
In contrast, the falsely humble leader would never say anything remotely self-indulgent. He or she may be dedicated to appearing humble, using all the right buzzwords, never using the word I, and always talking about we. And yet, each of this person's followers, if pressed, would confess to knowing that this leader is merely trying to extract value from appearing humble, rather than being the real thing.
So yes, there are things you can do to appear humble. But if you really think you are God's gift to humanity, and are unwilling to open up and be vulnerable in front of your team, faking it won't work.
How CoachUp Coaches Feel about Building Connections with Their Athletes
Among the coaches responding to our CoachUp coaches survey, 100 percent of them feel that having personal relationships with the athletes they coach is important—and most of them (86 percent) feel that it is extremely important. At the beginning of each training session, 94 percent of them greet their athletes with a variety of verbal and physical connections: shaking hands, bumping fists, asking them how it's going, talking about the weather, telling jokes, asking whether there's anything in particular they'd like to work on, and so on.
Eighty-nine percent of CoachUp coaches believe that using humor in their training sessions is either “very effective” or “extremely effective” in connecting with and motivating their athletes to achieve excellence. Interestingly, our coaches find humor just as effective as praise in their training sessions—90 percent of our coaches find tremendous value in using praise liberally to motivate their players. And it's not just private, one-on-one praise that works. In fact, our coaches find it even more valuable to praise their athletes in front of each athlete's parents or in front of other athletes. The most common forms of praise are, in order:
- Praise the athlete's recent performance in a game or training session
- Praise the progress he or she has made
- Acknowledge new skills as he or she masters them, in real time
- Praise how he or she looks (strong, in good shape, well rested)
- Relay some good thing the coach has heard about the athlete from another person
And what of criticism? You know—pointing out all the countless mistakes that athletes make in their training sessions? Well, our coaches don't find it all that effective in building connections with their players, with only 50 percent finding it effective in some situations in private settings, and only 27 percent finding it at least somewhat effective in public settings. And when CoachUp coaches do feel a need to offer constructive criticism, the majority do so by:
- Pointing out exactly what the athlete is doing wrong
- Explaining and demonstrating how to correct the problem
- Offering encouraging words
In Coaching with Heart, Jerry Lynch sums up what you could characterize as the overwhelming sentiment expressed by top CoachUp coaches from their work with athletes of all levels and abilities: “extraordinary heart-directed coaching begins with one word: relationships, the single most vital aspect to successful coaching.”
In each interaction with a player, does your coaching strengthen or weaken that relationship? Are you coaching him or her up, or coaching him or her down? And note, too, that there are times when hard messages—constructive criticism—must be offered through concise direction. But in these situations, does your message hearten or harm your player? How is it delivered? Is the connection strengthened through the honesty and transparency of the message, or does it come off as an attack, the means by which a Showboat coach demonstrates his or her frustration?
Lynch goes on to say: “we are all spiritual beings having an athletic experience, as opposed to athletes and coaches having a spiritual experience. The more I include the whole person in my coaching, the more effective, satisfied, and successful I am.”
I think we can all agree that this is the type of coach we would want to play for, whether on the court or in the office.