INTRODUCTION
The Case for Courtesy
Today’s workplace is a more complex environment than it was just a couple of decades ago. Organizations have benefited from the richness of diversity and reduced hierarchy, but the resulting cultural complexity and diminished structure have created considerable confusion about accepted conventions of conduct and interpersonal relationships.
Customs vary, and language and social differences can make effective interaction in the workplace, as challenging as it already is, even more daunting. The old rules don’t seem to work anymore; we need new practical guidelines to avoid confusion, or even chaotic behavior.
Unfortunately, since the late sixties and early seventies, many people have considered courtesy old fashioned and good manners elitist. At the same time, many of us are increasingly frustrated with rudeness or social ineptness among employees, customers, coworkers, and strangers. Yet most of us will readily admit that our parents’ concepts of good manners don’t always work in the twenty-first century.
The Value of Courtesy to Your Career
Many factors contribute to a person’s professional success. Knowledge, skill, work ethic, integrity, ambition—all of these factors are essential to achieving our goals. However, we make a serious mistake if we ignore the importance of effective communication and appropriate behavior, social savvy and commonsense etiquette. Failing to recognize how one can seize a competitive advantage by leveraging good manners and courtesy in the workplace can undermine our good efforts on the job.
When asked the secret of his success, the vice president of a major technology company once answered, “It’s quite simple, really. I learned to anticipate all the possibilities so that I could take action instead of merely responding. And, I remembered the things my mother taught me.” The point he wanted to make was that these early lessons had taught him the importance of treating others well, whether we call this behavior etiquette, good manners, courtesy, civility, or social savvy.
Without question, if you aspire to a management or leadership position, treating others with courtesy and respect is critical to building trust and credibility. And being a credible, trustworthy leader is a key factor in inspiring others to follow you. However, courtesy should not be viewed as a management tool implemented simply to manipulate others. True courtesy has as its source a genuine ability to value other people and to see their worth, regardless of their status.
Treating people courteously, either out of guilt or because we feel that a particular person is important or can help our career, is an inauthentic reason for courteous behavior, and other people will soon recognize the insincerity. On the other hand, you can learn to be genuinely courteous, and usually the effect on others and their subsequent behavior is the best reinforcement for adopting a habit of courtesy. In most cases, when we extend genuine courtesy to others, they respond positively to us. And having people respond positively to us is a great confidence booster. In turn, as we become more secure about ourselves, we become increasingly comfortable treating others well, and courtesy becomes an integral element of our character.
Who Can Use This Book?
This book will provide guidelines for handling some common workplace situations in which knowing the right behavior can make the difference in how others see us and respond to us.
Whether you are an established manager, are in a new job, or are entering or re-entering the work force, a quick review of how to behave in a variety of workplace situations will help you establish yourself as a socially mature, valuable colleague whom people trust, admire, and want to be around.
Interpersonal communication is always unpredictable because we are each as unique as our fingerprints. Therefore, you need to judge the ideas presented here against the requirements of your own personality and those of your audience. Choose what works for you, and put your own spin on those that do in order to increase the chances of making your relationships with others solid and mutually beneficial. As you read the chapters, consider how you can apply some of these principles to your current or future work situations.
How to Get the Most from This Book
Think about the interpersonal skills you want to develop. Are you uncomfortable in social situations with strangers? Do you struggle with building an effective network for when you need specific resources? Do you want to make a better first impression? Do you want to increase your authority and influence among coworkers? Do working lunches give you heartburn? Are you unsure about how to interpret nonverbal signals?
Pick out the topics or chapters that seem to address your particular needs, and focus on those sections. You’ll notice that each chapter ends with a bulleted summary entitled “The Bottom Line,” which highlights the major messages of that section.
At the end of each chapter, you also will have the opportunity to create your own action plan for behaviors you would like to adopt, as well as for those you would like to change. For example, after reading a particular chapter, you may decide that you want to stop interrupting others or that you would like to develop the habit of saying thank you more often. Once you create an action plan, you may choose to share your goals with another person, who can become your goal champion and reinforce your progress in an area that you have defined.
Although our complex world doesn’t provide simple answers, we can always find ways to make interacting with our fellow human beings more rewarding and interesting. We’re all on this often exciting, frustrating, perplexing, exhilarating—and rarely ever boring—journey.
If we work together, we can all enjoy the trip.
Test Your Courtesy Quotient (CQ)
To get started on developing courteous behaviors, take this quiz to check your CQ. The answer key at the end will give you an indication of your understanding of key issues of courtesy and interpersonal savvy and your proficiency in handling them. Some situations may depend more on good judgment than on a widely accepted rule. When there seems to be more than one right answer, choose the one with which you would feel most comfortable. You may wish to retake the quiz after reading the book to see if you have changed your mind about any of your answers.
1. You are in the office on the telephone, and another call comes in. You should:
(a) Ask the person if you can put him or her on hold while you answer the call.
(b) Let voice mail take it.
2. You call a colleague and put your phone on speakerphone. Another coworker is in the room. You should:
(a) Mention neither the speaker phone nor the other person in the room.
(b) Tell the person on the phone that you wish to use the speakerphone. Mention the other person in the room, and ask the person on the phone if this is okay.
(c) Tell the person on the phone that you are using the speakerphone, but don’t mention the other person in the room.
3. You have exchanged a couple of angry e-mails with a coworker who, in your opinion, is being unreasonable. It’s getting out of hand. You should:
(a) Stop the communication and let things cool off.
(b) Send one more blistering e-mail, summarizing the situation and how upset you are with that person’s behavior, and cc the recipient’s boss.
(c) Change the medium. Call the person on the telephone or go sit down face-to-face.
4. You’re presenting to a potential client. Suddenly his/her body language turns very negative. You should:
(a) Try to engage the person in some interaction.
(b) Stop in the middle of the presentation and ask that person what is wrong.
(c) Ask questions to determine what you said that was upsetting and attempt to rectify the situation.
(d) Ignore the reaction and finish your presentation as planned.
5. You’re delivering an important presentation that you don’t want interrupted with questions. You should:
(a) Refuse to answer the first question that someone asks. The rest of the audience will get the message.
(b) Tell the audience beforehand that you prefer to answer all questions at the end of the presentation.
(c) Answer questions as they are asked, even though you prefer not to.
6. When communicating across language barriers, putting things in writing:
(a) Should be avoided; it can insult the international visitor’s intelligence.
(b) Can be helpful; it is usually easier to read English than to hear it.
(c) Can be confusing; it is usually easier to hear English than to read it.
7. Learning to speak a few words of the language of clients, customers, or coworkers whose first language is different from yours is:
(a) Generally a good idea, as the effort communicates respect for the other culture.
(b) Generally not a good idea because they may feel patronized.
(c) Generally not a good idea, because they might be offended if you make a mistake in vocabulary or pronunciation.
8. If you meet someone whose body language is much more outgoing and expressive than yours, you should:
(a) Attempt to match it.
(b) Not attempt to match it.
9. If you meet someone whose body language is much more restrained than yours, you should:
(a) Attempt to match it.
(b) Not attempt to match it.
10. True or false: A smile is an almost universal way of communicating goodwill and cheerfulness.
11. When answering a business phone, always answer:
(a) With a simple hello. It sounds more approachable and less pretentious.
(b) With your name.
(c) With your name, department, title, and a greeting.
12. When others are close by, for example in an elevator or on the subway, it’s okay to use your cellular telephone:
(a) For extremely private conversations, because, after all, it’s your business.
(b) For lengthy conversations, so you don’t get tied up at the office.
(c) For short conversations of a nonsensitive or nonconfidential nature.
13. When you reach a doorway at the same time as a person of the opposite sex, the following rules apply:
(a) Whoever arrives first should open it and hold it for those who are following.
(b) Men should still open doors for women.
(c) Women should open doors for men to prove they are no longer oppressed.
(d) Always open and hold the door for someone of either sex if that person has his or her hands full.
14. When exiting an elevator and a more senior person is toward the back, always:
(a) Step aside to let that person exit first.
(b) Exit first if you are closest to the door.
15. When writing a business letter, the inside address should:
(a) Always contain a courtesy title (Mr., Ms., Dr.).
(b) Never use a courtesy title. That’s passé.
16. When having a business lunch, who pays?
(a) A business lunch is always “Dutch Treat.”
(b) You always pay for a client’s lunch.
(c) You never pay for a client’s lunch. It’s insulting.
(d) Whoever invited the other person to lunch pays.
17. On a dress-down day, which item(s) of clothing is (are) generally considered inappropriate?
(a) Khaki slacks.
(b) Solid T-shirts.
(c) Sweatpants.
(e) Polo-type shirts.
(f) Loafers without socks.
(g) Thong sandals.
(h) Jeans.
18. You are in a meeting with a client and several of your colleagues, and you realize your boss’s fly is unzipped. You should:
(a) Make a joke about it, and put everyone at ease.
(b) Tell him immediately, even if you don’t know him well.
(c) Ask someone who knows him better to mention it.
19. You have just heard a coworker in the cubicle next to yours speak rudely to a client on the telephone. You should:
(a) Wait until the call is finished, then tell the person that the behavior is unacceptable.
(b) Tell your boss.
(c) Respect your coworker’s privacy and refrain from commenting.
20. If you are managing a meeting when an adversarial relationship is present, try to make sure that:
(a) People sit with those with whom they agree.
(b) The seating is mixed to encourage open dialogue and discourage an adversarial environment.
Answers
1. |
b |
2. |
b |
3. |
c |
4. |
a, c |
5. |
b |
6. |
b |
7. |
a |
8. |
b |
9. |
a |
10. |
true |
b |
|
12. |
c |
13. |
a, d |
14. |
b |
15. |
a |
16. |
d |
17. |
c, d, g, h |
18. |
c |
19. |
c (except in extreme situations, in which case “a” would apply) |
20. |
b |
Interpreting Your Score
Number of correct responses |
Your CQ |
18–20 |
You could write this book. |
15–17 |
You usually know how to handle yourself. |
12–14 |
Wouldn’t hurt to brush up |
Below 12 |
You may need to do some damage control. |