CHAPTER 3

Develop Your Gratitude Attitude

Say “Thank You” and Mean It

Recently, I heard of a bride who refused to open her gifts at the shower given by her friends at work because she “didn’t know what to say.” A busy executive sent each staff member a twenty-five pound turkey for Thanksgiving along with a personal note. He reports that he received thanks from about half of them.

In an age of perceived entitlement, saying “thank you” graciously seems to be on the back burner. We live in an era of increasingly demanding customers, coworkers, and clients. We have a general notion that we deserve to get what we want, when we want it. And to a certain extent, that’s fine—as long as this attitude doesn’t diminish our sense of gratitude when we should express thanks to those who are generous to us or serve us in any way.

When in Doubt

Saying thank you can take time and effort, and we’ve all probably had lapses in expressing gratitude. Sometimes we might even question whether a “thank you” is really necessary. Occasionally, it’s hard to know just what response is appropriate. Here are a few gratitude do’s and don’ts to consider when expressing thanks in public, professional, or personal situations.

Do

Concern yourself more with substance than form. The issue is not so much the form that the thank you takes as the spirit behind it. Of course, certain guidelines apply. Some situations demand a formal note; other times, a telephone call is sufficient. And a face-to-face thank you where the words are supported and reinforced by a sincere tone of voice and positive body language can be the most powerful of all.

Today, e-mail and voice mail are acceptable vehicles for thanking people, particularly for business-related intangibles such as covering for you at a meeting or referring a new client to you. Just remember that e-mail, for all its efficiency and relative informality, is still written communication. Make sure that you take the same pains with your e-mail thank you as you would with a note written on fine stationery to make it thoughtful and sincere. Remember also that e-mail is never truly private. Keep the tone and content professional.

If you have received a gift or have been to someone’s home for dinner, on the other hand, the handwritten note still wins. If you find yourself procrastinating because you find letter writing a hassle, make it easier by keeping stationery, pens, an address list, and stamps in a single place where you can sit down and get it done all at once. Or, if finding the right words is difficult for you, the stores are filled with lovely thank-you cards to which you can add a personal comment and signature.

Respond quickly and enthusiastically. Whatever form you use, two attributes are critical, whether thanking someone for a kindness, a business lunch, or an expensive gift: timeliness and enthusiasm. The two actually create a powerful synergy: the more quickly you respond, the more enthusiastic you will be. The one exception where you can cut yourself a little slack is with wedding gifts—most experts say it is acceptable to take up to three months to send a thank-you note. If you know that responding to all those gifts is going to take some time, devise a system for letting the giver know that you did receive it, and that a more formal thank you will follow.

When timeliness becomes an impossible goal, remember that late is better than never. Don’t say, “It’s been so long I’d be embarrassed to thank him now.” Apologize for the delay, if you feel that’s necessary, and then say thanks the same way you would have, had no delay occurred.

In some situations, use the one-two punch. Because a quick response is usually more effective—and appreciated, busy people often find it convenient to make a telephone call immediately (even if all you do is leave a message) and follow up with a note. The receiver benefits from the strengths of both channels of communication: the richness and spontaneity of the spoken message and the permanence and authority of the written form.

You can also follow up with an oral thank you after you’ve put it in writing. This response doesn’t have to be part of a formal process; you can simply do it when the occasion arises. For example, when you see the person next, you can reiterate your appreciation. A spontaneous comment makes people feel that your thanks are sincere and not just perfunctory adherence to protocol.

Learn to be a gracious receiver. You undoubtedly know that it’s important to be a gracious giver, but what about being a gracious receiver? You’ve probably encountered people who, instead of simply expressing a sincere thank you, are compelled to repay a kindness in equal—or greater—measure.

Let’s say, for example, that a coworker voluntarily stayed late more than once to help you finish a project with an impossible deadline. When you heard she was taking a weekend trip to celebrate her tenth anniversay, you volunteered to take care of her two cats that she hates to board at the vet. You told her that it was your “thank you” to her for helping you at work.

Upon her return, however, she presented you with a $100 gift certificate to the latest trendy restaurant, along with a huge bouquet of flowers. All of a sudden, you feel compelled to write a thank-you note for her thank you. Instead of being a willing giver, you are suddenly indebted to your friend for her generosity, and your act of gratitude got lost in the shuffle.

For some people, allowing others to do something for them threatens their sense of self-sufficiency or exposes an insecurity, so they respond in a way that they feel relieves them of any indebtedness. Don’t fall into this trap. When someone does something kind or generous for you, the best way to show your gratitude is to sincerely tell the person how appreciative you are. Don’t overshadow the kindness with your own magnanimity. It’s important to learn to accept graciously; people feel affirmed when their gesture evokes a positive reaction. Making the giver feel good is in itself a gift. Of course, when the opportunity arises, you can repay the kindness.

Don’t

Don’t “damn with faint praise.” Respond warmly and enthusiastically when someone does something special for you. Opening a gift box and remarking, “Oh, it’s a tie,” doesn’t qualify as an enthusiastic response. I’ll always remember the time I sent a friend in another state a poinsettia for the holidays, wiring the purchase through a local florist. When I asked her if she had received the plant, she responded, “Oh yes, and I was really amazed at how nice it was. Usually when you wire flowers, the florist at the destination sends the worst selection in the shop, since the buyer will never see it.” Somehow, that response didn’t have the same effect as “I loved the plant. It looks beautiful in my office.”

Don’t make the giver feel guilty. Some people, in saying thanks, actually end up making the giver feel as if he or she did something wrong or inappropriate. One I’ll never forget is: “Thanks for the cake. Although I’m allergic to chocolate, I took my medicine and hoped for the best.” Even something as “polite” as “Oh, you shouldn’t have done this,” or “I feel terrible that you went to so much trouble” can send a mixed message. It’s fine, however, to acknowledge that someone went to considerable effort. Just keep the focus on the positive. For example, instead of “Oh, you shouldn’t have,” say, “I know how hard you must have worked on this lovely afghan. It will always be special to me.”

What if you really hate the gift, or just have no use for it? For example, if a colleague presents you with a gift for the holiday, say a scarf, but the scarf is just not your style and you can’t imagine actually wearing it. Or you already have floral arrangements all perfectly arranged when someone shows up for your dinner party with a bouquet in hand? In such cases, try to concentrate on the motivation, and focus the thanks around the thoughtfulness of the gesture rather than the item itself. Don’t let the giver know that you are less than thrilled with the gift. Instead, focus on the act of giving and graciously thank the person for his or her thoughtfulness.

Even though we’re told that giving is more beneficial than receiving, the act of receiving graciously is an attribute that we should all cultivate. People feel rewarded for their effort, and the positive reinforcement makes them more amenable to doing things for others. The result is a more civilized, more pleasant, and more benevolent environment for all of us.

The Bottom Line

Saying thank you often takes time and effort.

It’s easy to rationalize that we don’t say thank you because we’re too busy or we don’t know what to say.

The form that the thank you takes is less important than the spirit behind it.

Timeliness and enthusiasm create a powerful synergy.

Making the giver feel good is a gift in itself.

Receiving graciously is an ability worth cultivating.

Action Plan:

Over the next thirty days,

I will stop ___________________________________________________

I will start ___________________________________________________

I will continue ________________________________________________