Have you ever been delayed on the road by an impossibly slow driver? Maybe the following story feels familiar: You have timed it almost perfectly to arrive at work in time for your first meeting when you get stuck behind an incredibly slow car. It’s a single-lane road and you do not get the chance to pass and so you remain stuck, frustration rising every minute. Ten minutes later you’re able to overtake, glaring at the oblivious human responsible for this infuriating start to your day. Sound familiar?

Imagine by some magical intervention, the kind that is possible in books when authors are trying to make a point, you are suddenly given knowledge of this driver’s story. Having lost his partner in a terrible accident three months ago, the driver, Ric, is battling driving the same route today. While he’s finally mustered the courage to start driving again, he is really struggling today. He’s using every ounce of courage he can muster.

It’s incredible how differently we behave when we understand someone, when we’re willing to see the person and their story. If we were driving with the above context, we’d likely be far more tolerant of the driver. In turn, they will not feel the pressure of someone sitting on their bumper or swerving to overtake, and who knows . . . they may even relax a little.

If we are able to connect with someone, we are more forgiving and compassionate and in turn, the other person is more likely to feel safe enough to be themselves. From the SCARF model we learned the importance of relatedness to the brain.²⁰ As social beings, we perceive the way in which we are being seen and respond accordingly and so our behavior is deeply influenced by the way we are seen by another person. This is beautifully articulated in the book Leadership and Self-Deception:

It is evident that we are our most authentic self when we are understood by those around us. So if meeting outcomes depend on people being at their peak performance, their most authentic self, how do we create the conditions which foster this kind of connection in remote meetings?

Remote work can be particularly challenging when it comes to creating connection and understanding. In-person interactions often accidentally result in connection: we’re exposed to tons of data points that can result in connection and in turn, feeling understood. For example, maybe you like someone’s shirt and the l ittle compliment you pass makes that person feel slightly more connected to you. We see each other’s desks, when we arrive and leave, what online purchases we get delivered to work, and many more things that slowly build connections between people. All of this becomes invisible in a remote space when the only data points one has are those available via a camera.

Creating connection requires intentional effort in remote meetings. There are numerous strategies for doing so, both within a meeting and outside of the meeting space. This chapter will focus specifically on “in-meeting” strategies for both fully remote and hybrid meetings. We will discuss how to foster connection when the call ends in a coming chapter.

At the very start of the meeting, there exists an opportunity to create an initial moment of connection and set the tone for the rest of the time together. If our goal is to help people to see each other as human beings—which, as discussed above, is directly related to our ability to perform at our best—a seemingly innocuous check-in can be a lightweight yet impactful way of improving meeting outcomes.

Depending on what is asked, the question at the start of a meeting can serve multiple purposes. We learned about check-in questions from Esther Derby and Diana Larsen. Something they said has stuck with us:

In a remote space it is too easy to remain silent. As Esther and Diana said above, a check- in question can be the first step toward encouraging people to speak. It is also a quick, light way for you, the facilitator, to check if anyone is experiencing technical difficulties in hearing, being heard, or interacting with the tool.

Let’s consider a few examples of how these questions might look. Imagine everyone dialing on to the call and the facilitator beginning by saying something to the effect of, “Before we get into the content today, let’s take a few minutes to pause and arrive in this space. If you’ll humor me, today’s check-in question is":

• “What are you hoping for from today’s meeting?” This brings everyone into the “room,” anchoring them in the present, as well as giving people a chance to state their expectations—useful information for the facilitator and group to be aware of. This is also a very nonthreatening, easy question to answer for teams that are not that familiar with one another.

• “What is something we wouldn’t expect to see on your desk?” or “Paste an image of yourself doing something you love.” There are lots of light, fun questions that give people the opportunity to share something personal. Although subtle, this can create genuine moments of connection for people on the call, as well as surface things to discuss offline. It also provides a slight reprieve from “seriousness,” which we hope goes toward creating a lighter, more effective meeting space. We would, however, like to caution that you use these playful questions with care. Sometimes the conditions surrounding the call (such as high conflict in the team) mean that these questions are inappropriate. Sometimes these questions can be misinterpreted as silly or meaningless, which might have the opposite effect to that intended. We find the more trust we have with the attendee group, the more playful we can be.

• “What is your current energy level? Five is bouncing off the walls and one is ’I could climb into bed right now.’” This question allows for everyone to quickly gauge how everyone else is doing. If we know Shannon is feeling really low, we’re far more likely to extend compassion to her throughout the meeting. There is now also an opportunity for someone to reach out to her after the meeting to maintain that connection. If you have a role in this team beyond the meeting, this data also provides the opportunity for you to reach out after the meeting to determine if there are other factors contributing to her low energy. If a few participants are feeling the same, it may be an opportunity for the facilitator to look at the time of the meeting or whether there are other things going on.

For some, speaking in a large group is intimidating. It is also difficult to create a sense of connection in a big group. Depending on the size of the meeting it may be impractical to hear from every person in the given time. A simple way to lower the perceived barrier to contribution and to harness more opinions in a shorter time is to break into smaller groups and then bring the combined ideas back into the bigger group.

There is something comforting about the sound of murmuring that makes it feel easier to speak up. During in-person meetings, murmur groups—in which people are given a topic to discuss in smaller groups and then relay the summary of their conversation back to the group—break the silence and make it feel easier to speak. While remote spaces cannot capture the murmuring aspect of murmur groups, they can use the smaller-thinking- groups technique to create a less intimidating environment and increase engagement. Many remote conferencing tools allow you to send attendees into breakout rooms or separate calls. If the instructions for these spaces are sufficiently clear, this is a great way to allow people to connect in smaller groups, have deeper conversations, and be heard.

We have spoken in previous chapters about the subtle power that facilitators hold. As a facilitator, the group tends to be more influenced by your actions than those of other participants. Here is a chance for you to use your power for good! If you as a facilitator are constantly checking your phone or not being present, you cannot expect something difterent from attendees. Be what you want to see.

For numerous reasons, remote meetings have a heightened sense of vulnerability. In vulnerable conversations, someone needs to start the circle, to take the first step. If you can be that person on a remote call, your meeting, and over time, your team will be better for it. This will look different for everyone. Maybe you can create light small talk as people are joining the call, taking a genuine interest in how they’re doing, their days, or something more personal if appropriate. Maybe taking the first step in being vulnerable will mean sharing how you’re feeling, especially if you’re struggling a little. If you can share, it will be easier for other people to bring their whole selves to the meeting too.

It’s subtle yet powerful. Take a moment to think about how you show up in meetings and what behavior you would like to model. How much of your attention are you giving the meeting?

It’s easy to forget what someone else is experiencing in a meeting. Often once everyone has dialed on to the call, we begin talking about the matter at hand straight away. What if someone is skipping lunch for this call? What if someone has just made dinner for their family and is now skipping dinner for this call? Bringing awareness to differing contexts can go a long way toward fostering connection on a call (see figure 20).

How it works (see figure 20):

• By simply making the different time zones visible in the agenda, participants are reminded of their different contexts

As a facilitator, your role is to make it easy for people to participate. Paying attention to what is happening on the call will provide you with useful data points to help you make in-the-moment decisions about what participants might need. Oftentimes simply verbalizing what you notice and asking a question can clarify a participant’s experience. For example, “Chen, you seem to be frowning at your screen, is everything okay?”

Depending on what tool you are using, participants’ actions can hint that they are trying to engage or are having trouble. You may notice someone constantly muting and un- muting their mic or they may be looking particularly confused. Either way, simply asking a question will bring the group’s awareness to this person and enable this person to contribute going forward. You might notice someone speaking but no one can hear them; simply mentioning this can alleviate some frustration and let participants know that you care about their experience. For example, “I see, Natasha, that you’re speaking but we can’t hear you. Is there a chance you’re on mute?”

It’s curious to us how people can feel “trapped” in remote meetings. A similar phenomenon exists in in-person meetings: people who do not feel that they are giving or getting value from a meeting remain until the end. Sometimes you may be facilitating a long meeting where not everyone has to be present for the entire session. Meetings can be expensive, and if you know that not everyone has to stick around from the beginning to the end, make it okay for them to leave.

We love the Open Space rule here known as the Law of Two Feet or the Law of Mobility.²⁴ Harrison Owen, the founder of Open Space, describes it:

We like to remind people of this in remote meetings. It’s a subtle reminder that behind the little pictures we see of each other on our screens is a human with needs, and that it is okay for them to make the decisions that they need to for themselves. In the case that someone chooses to leave, it can be helpful to share context via back channels to minimize the risk of negative interpretations and ambiguity.

How we see people affects the way we show up as well as the way the other person shows up. It is really important that your meeting creates the conditions that enable people to perform at their best. Creating connection on a call is a key ingredient for holding an effective meeting.

Take some time to consider one or two of the questions below in relation to a meeting you are responsible for:

• Starting the meeting: How can you use the start of the meeting to intentionally set the tone for the rest of the meeting?

• Facilitator stance: What example are you providing?

• Attendee context: What are the different demographic variables affecting the call you are holding?

• The Law of Mobility: What might the impact of someone leaving the meeting midway be?

• Meeting space: What do you notice happening in the meeting that others might not spot?

1. Open the space with a check-in question

2. Work in smaller groups

3. Be intentional about how you show up

4. Bring attention to differing contexts

5. Pay attention to the space

6. Make it okay to leave