So Close, Yet So Far

One of my very first fundraising jobs when I transitioned from civil litigation to philanthropy was working as a major gifts manager for a hospital in a very rural area. Although the hospital had a strong direct mail program, with patient and supporter mailings and a planned-giving program with supporters placing the hospital in their will or making trust and annuity gifts, it did not have a major-gift program. For this hospital, a donor in the major-gift program was defined as anyone who could make an outright gift of $1,000 or more. They hired me to create the program.

Since this was my very first major-gifts job, I was clueless as to what to do but excited to get to work. I decided to team up with the direct-mail manager at the hospital and, anytime someone made a gift of $500 or more, I asked her to go with me and visit that person. The purpose was to determine whether that person had the capacity and willingness to support the hospital over and above their current direct-mail gift. The operative words here are over and above. With any field, whether that be business or philanthropy, everyone has yearly goals. If it appeared that I was taking people away from their direct mail gifts, the direct-mail goal would not be met. I thought this was the best win-win solution for the fundraising success of both our departments.

There was a grateful patient, Mary, who had had successful heart surgery at the hospital and whom we visited many times. She loved to share her stories about the doctors, nurses, and radiologists she knew and could recite all the facts about their lives and their families. Every time we saw Mary, she would give us $5,000 without asking. When I went back to my office, my boss would say, “Why don't you visit Mary every day?” “Very funny, “I replied. “It doesn't work that way.” Still, it was a point well taken, because if Mary was giving us money without asking, what would she do if we did ask? So I did some research about gifts she had made to other charities, and I had a pretty good idea that Mary could make a gift of $250,000 pledged over five years, bringing her yearly major gift to $50,000 a year. One of the most important elements in preparing to ask a donor for a large gift is finding the match. The match is knowing exactly what the donor loves about the organization and matching that with the ideal gift opportunity. For Mary it was easy. She loved what everyone in our cardiology department did for her, so the right match would be to ask her for a $250,000 gift to continue the excellent patient care in our cardiology department.

So I got cracking on writing a persuasive proposal to present to Mary. After I had all the approvals from the hospital to present it to her, I called her to set up a time when I could see her. I shared with her that the purpose of our meeting would be for me to share with her a brand new opportunity to support the hospital. She said that while she would love to see me, she was in the process of selling her house and moving to Naples, Florida. The cold winters were getting to her, and she always knew at some point she would want to retire there. I, of course, understood, and I asked her when she thought she would be in Naples. She said she would there in three months. I shared with her that I had people to see in that area and asked whether she would mind if I saw her in her new home in Naples three months from now. She said that would be wonderful.

I had to make the decision whether to talk to her on the phone about the proposal or to try to see her in person to present her with the proposal before she moved away. My instinct told me that she was consumed with paring down her belongings and moving to a simpler Florida lifestyle, so I decided to wait to present it to her in person in Florida.

Three months went by and I finally had the chance to see Mary in Naples. Her condo was beautiful, right on the bay with tons of sunlight. After we had the chance to catch up with the details of her move and how all her doctors, nurses, and radiologists were doing, I launched into my ask. This was one of the first large asks I ever made, so be gentle with me here!

Laura: Mary, you have been such an amazing supporter of the hospital and the cardiology department. Your gifts have made it possible for so many deserving patients like yourself to receive only the best, state-of-the art patient care. We have a fabulous gift opportunity for you that will only enhance your dedication and generosity with us. May we explain?

Mary: Oh dear. (She looked down and withdrawn.)

Laura: What's wrong?

Mary: The church was here last week. You know the one that I always went to in West Caldwell? They are in a new campaign, and they asked me to make a pledge and I did.

Laura: Mary, that's wonderful, and they are as lucky as we are to have you as a loyal supporter. I would still like to share with you this exciting gift opportunity we designed for you. Can I do that now, even if it is something you might consider in the future?

Mary: Of course you can, but I don't want you to get your hopes up that I can do both at the same time.

Feeling a bit deflated but sticking to the purpose of why I was meeting with Mary, I shared with her verbally the details of the proposal. I said that I had it all in writing and that I would leave it for her to view at her convenience. At the ask I do not like paper to come between me and the person I am asking. Paper between us makes it difficult if not impossible for me to see their eyes and read body language and gauge their genuine interest in my ask. She said this is exactly what she wanted to support but that it would be impossible for her to support the church and the hospital at the same time. And then I did something I had never done before. I said to Mary, “May we be your next largest gift?” Honestly, I don't know where that came from, but I had to make sure that after my visit with Mary some other charitable request or business proposition would not get in the way for her to make the gift to the hospital. Additionally, I had to know where the hospital stood on Mary's philanthropic priorities. To my surprise Mary said, “Of course.” Then I thought to myself, “Oh great, Laura. What do we do now?” The only thing I did not know was the timing. When would Mary be done with her commitment to the church, and when could ours begin?

So I asked Mary more questions. (Questions are our friends.) I asked her for how many years she would be making her pledge payments to the church, and she said about two years. It was the about word that got me thinking and led me to my next question, which I thought of on the spot and had never asked before. I asked Mary “Are you the type of donor who pays a pledge off in even installments? For example, would you be making a payment by December 31 of the first pledge year and December 31 of the second pledge year?” She said “No, I pay it as I go. Sometimes I pay it over a few months, sometimes I make one large payment; it depends on what's happening in the markets.” With that response a light bulb switched on. It was entirely possible that Mary could pay this commitment off way before the end of two years. I had to know when she was through paying off that pledge; otherwise another group might ask her for a large gift or large investment and I'd be in the same exact same place waiting again.

My last and final question to Mary was, “Will you let me know when you are finished paying off the church's pledge so that you can begin your most generous gift with us?” She assured me she would. After that visit Mary and I did stay in touch with telephone calls and personalized notes. Exactly one and one-half years later, Mary called me and said she had finished paying the church early and was ready to sign our proposal and begin making her first payment for the cardiology department.

I share this story practically every time I speak, because there are so many lessons I learned from it. It motivated me many years later to create for this book the “10 Characteristics of an Exceptional Asker” (Chapter 4). I was 100 percent committed to this ask because I knew this would be exactly what Mary would want. I waited to ask in person even though I was dying to do it on the telephone when she first told me she was moving to Naples. I didn't let paper get in the way of the ask so that I could read her body language and gauge her level of interest. I gave it everything I could to be a superior listener even though I got derailed during the ask with just the two words, “Oh dear.” I probably did not have positive energy when she told me about her commitment to the church, but I've worked on that over the years. It did reinforce for me that the win is that I made the ask, not the result. Of course, in the end, I got the result I wanted, but I had to exercise a lot of patience and stay vigilant with my follow-up.

This experience also showed me how important and how powerful questions can be in any situation. I've already emphasized the power of questions in Chapter 4. This might have ended quite differently if I had not asked Mary these three critical questions:

1. May we be your next largest gift?
2. Are you the type of donor who pays a pledge off in even installments? For example, would you be making a payment by December 31 of the first pledge year and December 31 of the second pledge year?
3. Will you let me know when you are finished paying off the church's pledge so that you can begin your most generous gift with us?

If I hadn't asked these questions, another group or groups might have met with Mary right after me, and then the hospital would not be her second priority, but rather a third or fourth priority or lower. If I hadn't asked how she makes her pledge payments, I might have assumed that she would be done in exactly two years and that she would automatically let us know she was ready to do our pledge. Remember; Chapter 3 brought home the point not to assume someone will give what you want without your having to ask for it. If I had waited another two years or close to that date to revisit my ask, another group or groups might have met with her sooner and we would drop in priority. Finally, being proactive and asking her to let us know when she could start fulfilling our gift pledges ensured that we would be her next priority.

The last tie-in with this story and with the tips in this book is that my mistake was that I didn't prepare enough. I never thought that Mary would say she was already committed and in a significant way to another organization. I did anticipate that she would say:

“That's a big leap from $5,000 to $50,000,”

or

“Let me start with committing $100,000 and if I can do more later I will.”

Or even,

“Is this the largest gift to the cardiology department?”

That's about as far as I got on my preparation list. I do believe that sharing this story over these years has shaped how I created the 5-Step Foolproof Method for Any Ask. I did know actually what I wanted in terms of numbers and dates. We wanted $250,000 for the cardiology department, for which she could pay $50,000 a year for five years. I hadn't prepared in writing at least 15 responses she might have given me. I did deliver with confidence, but I admit it got a little shaky when she told me about her commitment to the church. I give myself points for clarifying the results, because all my questions following the ask referenced her church gift. I did plan my next move at the ask, because she agreed and did tell us when she was ready to make her commitment to the hospital. This ended very well for both of us, but it could have had a dead-end result if I had simply walked away and waited exactly two years when her church pledge payments were supposed to end.

I Really Don't Know Anyone Who Could Support Us

I was asked to do a board retreat for a national nonprofit organization's affiliate division. The affiliate was considering a $3 million capital campaign so that they could move to another location and expand their services. They had never done a campaign of any size, so the thought of embarking on a campaign of this magnitude represented a big risk, one that was frightening to many board members. After many conference calls and planning for the day-long retreat, we settled on the agenda and the breakout exercises. One exercise that drew the most conversation was about identifying new potential supporters. Board members view this exercise as outing their friends and colleagues.

So I arrived at the home of one of the board members who had graciously agreed to host the retreat. Her home was in an extremely wealthy area of town, and it was filled with magnificent art and antiques. I started the retreat with my “12 Things Every Board Member Can Do to Help with Fundraising.” We began with the first one—call or write donors several times a year who have made first-time large gifts or donors who have renewed their gifts, thanking them for their wonderful support. Everyone was smiling, and I could see they thought that my list would be light and helpful with no intrusive activities.

We next moved to my second suggested activity, help identify new supporters who may want to know more or be more engaged with us. Everyone's eyes stared down at the floor. People started sitting further back in their seats. Several got up to get more coffee. I asked them why they thought this would be worse than swallowing poison since this was the look on their faces. Many said that they really didn't know anyone. Another said that they had exhausted their friends with requests for other charitable events. Most feared they would be asked in return. If they asked their friends and colleagues to become involved and eventually support the group, then they themselves would be asked to support their friends' charitable causes.

I told them I totally understood, but they had chosen to be on this board and they had an obligation to make sure the organization was fiscally sound. That meant they needed to help with fundraising. They were about to embark on a very ambitious campaign, and they would need to find more people who had been involved before and ask them for large gifts. I walked them through how they could do this. I said that they could say to anyone they are close to:

You may know I'm on this board and I am very committed to the work we do and how it empowers and strengthens our community. I'm sure you are asked by a lot of people to get involved with nonprofits. Would you like to know more about what we do? I'd love to share with you a recent experience I just had.

That's it—just keep it light and simple. The winning formula for board members is to do this seamlessly in their day-to-day lives. Although they listened to what I said, I could see they were not convinced that they could do it or that they wanted to do it. So I thought the best thing to do was to take a break and just let my advice seep in slowly.

I asked our board-member host if I could have a tour of her house. Up until now we were only on the first floor. This mansion had another two floors, and I was very curious to see what the other floors looked like if my host was comfortable with that request. She looked excited to give me the tour, so off we went. We approached the second floor which she said was her “husband's space.” The walls were filled with pictures of him and refurbished cars, very expensive and collectible cars with many guy friends all around having a great time. I politely asked whether her husband refurbished cars, and she said “Yes, that is his hobby.” I shared with her the love of cars I've had since I was 18 years old. I had a 1968 Mustang, turquoise blue, white leather interior, with dual carburetors and a V-8 engine, and I was in heaven every time I drove it.

So I asked her if her husband knew about her work on this board, her dedication to the organization, and whether we would meet him that evening when the retreat was over? She said he traveled a lot and by that she meant every week. He was rarely home. I said I regretted that we would not meet him and then took a leap of faith and asked her whether she thought any of her husband's friends might want to support the organization as she and her husband had? She thought about it for a bit and said that his friends had done some crowdfunding campaigns for friends and that they might be interested but she didn't know how to approach them. I said that I would come over when her husband was home and together we would share with him the details of our upcoming campaign and find out whether he had any ideas as to which friends might want to be involved. She agreed—as long as I was there, a neutral person, so it would not be all on her. Now we were on our way to engage new people.

Our tour moved to the third floor. We went into a huge room that she called their study. There was a gigantic telescope aimed directly out a window. I asked her whether she looked at the stars at night, and she said sometimes. She invited me to take a look through the telescope, and I did. The first thing I saw was her neighbor's lawn with a number manicured in the grass. I asked her what was this on her neighbor's lawn? She said that her neighbor Tony, a famous basketball player, liked to display his number on his lawn. I thought to myself, “You really don't know anyone who could help us? First we have your husband's friends who have the hobby of refurbishing collectible cars and doing crowdfunding, and now we have a famous basketball player across the street.”

Treading on this ever so gently, I asked her whether she knew him or his family? She said that he and his wife go to social events now and then. I turned to her and asked, “Do you ever have both of them over?” She said, “Only in the summer once the basketball season is over, because it is easier to have them both over for dinner at that time.” I thought to myself, “Now what do I do to put this all together?” So I asked her whether this summer, which was only a few months away, she could invite them over and I would script her how she and hopefully her husband could let them know about her board experience and the upcoming campaign and see how they would respond? She at first looked hesitant but then said she would try. She wanted to be sure that whatever she said would not turn off her neighbors. I told her she had my word and that I would do everything I could to make that get-together as light and engaging as possible.

Now that my house tour was over, my last ask of her was whether she could share with the board members downstairs everything we had accomplished. She said that we had not accomplished a thing other than sharing stories about her husband and her neighbor. I said that we had accomplished a great deal, because now we have these possibilities:

• Her husband being more informed.
• Her husband potentially opening doors to his friends.
• His friends being more involved.
• His friends being possible supporters.
• Their neighbors being more informed and becoming potential supporters.

The best part was that even if none of this came to realization, she now knew how to think outside of her comfort zone and suggest family and friends who might—just might—be interested in the work of the organization. She did have new people she could speak to and, with the right approach, no one would be offended or become uncomfortable.

I share this story because no one likes to out a family member, friend, or colleague. But when you see how you can think of people in your everyday life who are right in front of you every day, they may be the people who want to be involved in what you do. Think back to Chapter 4 and reasons, why people don't want to ask. This scenario fits right within the many reasons why many people do not want to ask their family, friends, and colleagues to get involved from the beginning. They jump at the fear that they will have to ask for money right away, when the first step is to just think about who might be interested and how to share experiences. Done the right way, as this story shows, no one will be offended. In fact, many are flattered you thought enough about them to involve them with your passion.

Following this experience I've come to use an additional way to encourage people to think about close friends, colleagues, and relatives they know in their day-to-day lives who might want to become involved with the charitable work you do. Ask them to keep a “people journal.” Each day they can write down who they have spoken to, how well they know the person, and where they met. During the course of the day, we interact with so many people, and many times we have stronger relationships than we might realize. For example, someone could go to their gym several mornings a week, get coffee or breakfast at the same place, park their car in the same parking garage, speak with friends or family during the day, go to book club or after-work meetings, take an online class, volunteer for a community project, or watch their son's or daughter's lacrosse game on the weekends. The point is that we often don't think of people who are right in front of us every day whom we already know and who like and trust us. We have the tendency to qualify people very quickly. We think to ourselves, “This group of people I can approach but that group of people I really don't want to approach.” In reality, everyone you encounter has the potential to help you so why would you weed some in and weed others out? We are back to the making-assumptions stage, which we now know will not help you in the least. Just by using the easy and simple two-sentences-and-a-question ask, you can expand your prospective base of supporters who might just be your friends, colleagues, and family.

I hope these experiences motivate and encourage you to invite the people that you know and interact with to get to know your philanthropic work so that in time you can ask for a philanthropic gift. A caveat that I must mention is not to let the gift size determine whether you need to apply what you have learned here. Many people may feel that what I have detailed in this chapter applies only to “those big philanthropic gifts.” I have done just as much work for a $100 gift as I have for a $100,000 or a $1 million gift. Sometimes the smaller ones are the harder ones and require more work! There are over 1.4 million registered charities in the United States alone. They need great folks like you to be engaged and help them raise money. Now you know how to engage them, to be yourself, and let this be a natural and easy process. Hold on to the organizational, structural, and focusing techniques that you now know how to apply and watch your fundraising soar!