Chapter 17. Arguing again and again
Do you find that you keep arguing? Perhaps it’s with a particular person and every time you meet them things disintegrate into an argument. Maybe it’s with a colleague who seems to oppose everything you say all the time. Or there’s a particular issue in your life and whenever it comes up you find yourself losing your cool. Perhaps you’ve found that with your partner there is non-stop arguing and life seems a constant shouting match. Or you might be one of those parents who find that they spend more time shouting at their children than actually talking to them. What can be done?
The sad thing about this argument is that one gets the impression they will be having the same argument in a few days” time.
If you find yourself in a cycle of constant arguing then here are some tips.
Avoidance
If you know there are particular issues, people or situations that always annoy you, walk away! I realize you can’t walk away from some situations, but most people have issues they get worked up about that are best just avoided. Being passionate and getting into an argument over an important issue can be a good thing, but not if you find yourself arguing about it all the time. Your personal health and relationships are not worth the stress of continual argument.
Only argue if you can change something or influence someone.
Resolution
Avoidance is all well and good, but what do you do if you have a colleague, friend or partner with whom you have argued an issue through and there’s still no solution. A common cause for repeated argument is that the main issue at hand is never resolved. This might seem obvious, but so often in arguments the central divisive point gets overshadowed in all the mud-slinging and verbal sparring. There’s an issue of dispute, the parties disagree violently, but the matter is never put to rest. If that happens, neither party feels that the other has understood their point of view and they continue to hold a grievance against the other. Whenever they meet this unresolved issue simmers under the surface and pollutes the relationship.
For example, if you feel that a person has lied to you and you have both argued about that, then whenever you meet there will be lurking in your mind a lack of trust toward the other. In such a case it might feel like you’re having a different argument with the person each time, whereas in fact it’s the unresolved argument that caused the mistrust that is underlying them all.
So in repeated arguments, resolution is key. First recognize the initial issue, then work through it together in a reasoned discussion where you listen closely and find common ground. The points given in Golden Rule 9 about resolving deadlock will come in handy.
Agree to disagree
Agreeing to disagree can be a disguise for simply avoiding resolving the issue, so be careful. But it can be a useful tool for ending a repetitive argument. It works best if you can be clear on why you disagree:
If you are able to isolate the source of the disagreement and agree on it, you’re better able to move on. You can then choose to agree to disagree, or to find a solution to your disagreement. Agreeing to disagree, as long as both parties can live with it, puts an argument to rest. The argument has been aired long enough; both parties have listened to the other; both are still strong in their opinion but agree to disagree. The relationship is saved and can move forward.
Humor
Sometimes humor is the best way to resolve an argument. For example, in an ongoing argument with your partner over how to fold the bath towels, show yourselves how silly you are to be getting upset over something that’s so trivial when you love each other very much. Do something funny (make the towel into a headdress) or suggest an absurd solution: “Well, the only solution will be to ask the vicar to show us how to fold towels.”
Humor can lighten the tensest of situations. It can work in the office, with your children, even with your cleaner. “I know I keep asking you to vacuum the cobwebs, but I don’t want a haunted house theme going on in the living room.”
Do be careful not to use humor in a situation where the other party might think you’re not taking the argument seriously. You’ll have to use judgement in employing humor as a tool. But it can be incredibly effective when used adroitly.
Beating a dead horse
We all have our pet subjects that we feel strongly about and cannot understand why anyone should disagree with us. I know one person who is a passionate supporter of using the organs of anyone who has died in order to save the lives of those who need organ transplants. He simply can’t understand why everyone does not agree with him. He constantly brings the subject up. There’s a time where having discussed an issue several times it may be best just to put it to bed.
Be aware, too, of your own weaknesses. You may not be able to imagine a more interesting evening than discussing, again, the arguments over capital punishment. But your friends may not share your enthusiasm. Very few people like going over and over the same issue again. They’ll think you a bore, so find something else to talk about.
Is this worth it?
We partly discussed this issue in Golden Rule 2, when we looked at considering whether this is the right time and place for an argument. If you find you keep arguing about the same issue, you may want to think about whether it’s really worth it. If someone keeps saying something you find annoying or insulting, is it worth picking up on it? Now, some people take pleasure in being provocative and egging on a debate. Don’t be tempted, unless you enjoy it!
Asking whether an argument cycle is worth continuing is particularly important in relation to partners and children. You’ll probably find yourself annoyed by lots of things your spouse or child does, but if you start to argue or complain about all of them you’re going to end up stressed out, frustrated and damaging your relationship. Pick your “fights” carefully! Just because it annoys you doesn’t mean it’s worth arguing about. OK, your partner keeps leaving his pants on the floor, even though you ask him not to—is it worth getting into a fight about? What will you gain? And are there habits of yours he puts up with as well? Surely. So try to have some perspective on ongoing arguments and decide whether it’s really worth continuing. Sometimes the advice given to parents in dealing with children (don’t expect more than they can achieve, be patient, remember you’re an adult) works well with spouses too!
“Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”
from The Serenity Prayer, used by Alcoholics Anonymous
Remember, too, that (as anyone in a long-term relationship will testify) however powerful you might think you are, you’re not going to change your partner much. At least, you shouldn’t expect to. Most people get stuck in their ways. You’re not going to transform your scruffy girlfriend into a Hollywood film star, or your unkempt husband into a male model. Love them for who they are, not for who you want them to be.
If your recurring argument is something that causes you emotional distress and health issues, then it’s worth addressing it with professional help. If it’s just a pet peeve, whether it’s with a loved one or a professional, then it’s worth accepting that person for who they are and questioning whether your argument is worth it. Argument is a choice, and at the end of the day you need to choose what’s best for you and for maintaining the relationships close to you.
If all else fails, leave
In spite of everything said in this section, you might find that the arguments keep coming. Life in the office is one long argument. In that case, it may be best to move on. Workplaces should be fun places to be. You keep arguing with your builder—find a new one. Your babysitter refuses to listen—change babysitters. If you cannot resolve your argument, then look for other alternatives for that situation. But before you leave, don’t assume that the problems always lie with the other party. It’s easy to think if there are lots of arguments that the other person is “argumentative” and you’re entirely reasonable. But, as we’ve seen, arguments often mask other issues. Be careful to think through the ramifications of leaving a situation, whether that means losing a friendship or suffering financial consequences.
Look before you leap.
Perhaps I could insert a cautionary note for personal relationships. Of course, if there is violence or psychological abuse, leave. But otherwise, give counseling a chance. If you’ve entered a relationship with someone, more than likely there was a good reason why you wanted to be with that person. You have invested a lot of time and effort in developing the relationship. Your sense of identity is partly tied to it. You have made a commitment to that person, and perhaps have responsibilities toward children. Leaving is certainly an option when things get difficult, but explore every way of reconciling the relationship first. Studies show that men who assume they will be happier after divorce usually aren’t, and women who divorce usually are!
Think carefully why you keep arguing
If you find you keep arguing it’s easy to assume the other person is to blame:
“Mary is so annoying.”
“People are so rude these days.”
“My spouse is so inconsiderate.”
But it usually takes two to tango. Honestly think through what triggers the arguments. Are you regularly complaining? Is there something that regularly ignites an argument? Are you arguing a lot when you’re tired? Or is work stress making you argumentative? If you can find a consistent trigger for what is making you argue, then you can watch out for it. It can even become a joke: “Oh dear, it’s Monday morning: time for an argument.”
Don’t let arguments get out of hand
In arguments that happen again and again, it’s easy to get frustrated and for the argument to escalate into a full-blooded fight. A common phenomenon is for a minor remark, one that you’ve heard so many times that you’re sick of it, to be seized on as the basis for an argument. Be very aware of how quickly an argument can escalate. Act rapidly to stop it. Be very alert to a change in you or your opponent’s voice indicating that an argument is about to blow. Walk away. Immediately apologize for losing your temper (that doesn’t mean you’re conceding the point of the argument, just recognizing that the manner in which you’re arguing is getting out of hand).
Remember, too, how easy it is in an argument to up the ante.
Five things couples argue about
To close this chapter on how to avoid arguing again and again, I thought it would be interesting to look briefly at the common causes of arguments in relationships. Researchers have produced a list of things that couples argue about. You probably would have been able to guess these anyway. The top five are:
• money
• exes
• household tasks
• amount of time spent together
• annoyances.
If you do find you’re constantly arguing about one of these things, it may be best to take some time to sit down and decide the general parameters of the issue. It’s better to avoid arguing over and over again about the same thing by advance planning. For example, agree on what your weekly budget is going to be so that each of you knows what the other expects them to spend. Make a list of chores and decide on a fair distribution of them. Get your schedules together and book some time together. Discuss contentious issues that continually annoy you, such as how to share the bathroom in the morning. By working through issues, you can stop the cycle of arguing about the same thing over and over again.
Needless to say, the same approach works in your relationships with your children, your in-laws, your friendships and colleagues at work.
Summary
You don’t have to keep having the same argument. Get it resolved. It may be that you need to decide to ignore certain topics, or agree to disagree. It may be that you need a heart-to-heart conversation to get the issue resolved once and for all. Whatever you do, don’t get stuck in the cycle of repeating the same arguments.
In practice
Ask yourself why you keep arguing. Are there triggers to avoid? Does the problem lie with you or the other person, or both? Be brutally honest when answering that question.