Chapter 18. Doormats
Are you a doormat? Do you find that you never stand up for yourself? You find yourself agreeing to things you don’t want to do all the time? You do so much to avoid an argument that everyone seems to treat you as a servant? Then this is the section for you. It’s time to act.
I realize many people reading this book won’t have an issue with being a doormat! But believe it or not, some people do. If you are one of the readers that feel you’re a doormat, you need to do something! A major problem for you will be a lack of confidence in arguing and standing up for yourself. Reading this book is a good start.
“Men are not prisoners of fate, but only prisoners of their own minds.”
Franklin D. Roosevelt
Are you really a doormat?
If you feel you’re a doormat, think carefully if that’s a fair assessment. A lot of people in work positions feel that they are doing more than anyone else, but when the figures are looked at, they are not. Many people underestimate how much work their co-workers do. But ask as honestly as you can:
• Are you putting in more hours than others?
• Are you being acknowledged for your work?
• Do others seem to get the credit for your work?
• Do you end up doing the jobs no one else wants to do?
Don’t assume you’re always being taken advantage of. Try to make a fair assessment. Each of the questions I just asked also applies to domestic relationships, where one partner feels they’re doing more than the other in a particular area. Often we don’t realize how much the other person is doing. A good way of judging equality of work in a personal relationship is whether you both have the same amount of “free” time.
Doormats are lovely people
If you are a doormat then you’re probably a very nice person. It nearly always indicates that you’re a kind, sensitive individual who likes to help other people. There’s a lot that’s really good about being a doormat. So don’t get completely down on yourself if you are one. Where problems arise, however, is when, in your enthusiasm to be helpful to others, you’re not looking after yourself or those you love. In the opening scenario, Poppy was keen to help Zhu, but was she overlooking her husband? Or, indeed, depriving herself of a fun evening?
What to do if you are a doormat
Learn to say no
Elton John says that sorry is the hardest word. Perhaps, but “no” comes a close second. I confess I used to find it difficult to say “no.” I remember many years ago being astonished when I was invited to a party I really didn’t want to go to and a friend said to me “You could always say no.” It had genuinely not entered my mind that that was an option. It seems a lot of people don’t realize that no is an option. Go on—try saying “no”: it can be fun!
Learn how to say no
If you’re asked to do something you don’t want to do, be honest. Explain why it is you cannot say an enthusiastic “yes”:
Sometimes the best way of saying no is to offer the other person a choice. If your boss asks you to take on a new task, explain that you can but you will not then have time to do a different project. Ask which she would rather you did. This can work in family situations, too:
Being honest means making it clear you’re not being lazy or seeking to shirk responsibilities. Instead, the message you convey is that you are already fully committed.
Ask yourself whether the person asking you to do the task is acting respectfully. If they are not, there’s no reason why you should feel you should say yes. They may need to learn that in relationships there must be give and take. In the work environment, they need to learn to respect co-workers. If they’re not respecting you, you may not be helping them by doing what they ask.
Learn to walk away
There’s no reason why anyone should ever call you names or make fun of you. That’s utterly unacceptable and you should not put up with it. If you find this is happening at work you should complain to someone in management about it. If it’s your boss who’s the problem then walk away when he does this. Ask him politely not to talk to you in that way. If there is no response, you may need to leave. If so, it might be worth seeking legal advice on whether you are entitled to compensation.
Prioritize
Remember, the problem with being a doormat is that you’re too nice. You want to help everyone. But you must be honest with yourself and realize that you cannot. You don’t need to feel guilty about saying no. You’re probably facing many commitments and demands on your time. You can’t satisfy everyone. Try to see your no in a positive light. For example: “I’ve said no so that I can make sure I have enough time with my children.” If your saying no has meant that a job hasn’t been done, that is the organization’s problem, not yours.
Sometimes doormats feel it’s selfish to refuse to help in order to do something they enjoy. That’s very worthy. But remember that if you become downtrodden, dispirited and exhausted you won’t be able to help anyone. Everyone needs time to themselves, if only to recharge so that they can help other people again.
It’s important here to distinguish between other people’s wants and true needs. A person may want you to do something, but that doesn’t mean they need it done. Being a kind person, you’re likely to want to meet their needs as best you can. But don’t confuse that with meeting their wants. A person may want a gourmet dinner, but they need just food. Your boss may want you to work 12 hours a day, but the company only needs 8.
Avoidance—pros and cons
The temptation might be to avoid situations or people you find threatening. This can sometimes be justified, and at other times not. Are there some areas of your life where you feel more in control, and others where you feel you are a doormat? Consider carefully why this is so.
Why not offer to do extra things when you have spare time? That will create a good impression and make it easier when you say no. When offering extra help you can also choose the kind of jobs you like doing.
A recent survey declared that a major argument with your boss can be very good for your heart. Men who don’t complain about unfair treatment double their risk of a heart attack. That study had problems with it, but it does indicate the dangers of keeping feelings of frustration under wraps. If you think you have been badly treated at work, it’s best to do something about it.
Protecting yourself
Another danger for doormats is that they tend to be especially kind to those who are rude to them. There is a hope that by being extra kind and helpful you can win over the unpleasant person. This can be a particularly destructive phenomenon in relationships where one person does everything they can to be kind to the other person to ensure they are kept pleased. Ironically, it sometimes seems that the nicer the doormat is the more unpleasant the other person becomes. This leads to the doormat being even more desperate to please. Such a cycle is a very harmful one. Friendships, partnerships and marriages should be based on equality and fairness. If yours is not, it needs to change. Your views and desires should count as much as the other person’s.
When you feel that you no longer have a choice in a relationship or, at work, when you feel you have lost the power to say no, then you must act.
Wider issues
If you have concluded that you’re a doormat, it’s worth thinking about why this is so. Are you desperate to please people? Do you attach too much weight to other people’s opinions of you and don’t think highly enough about yourself? Do you like being regarded as a “saint” who always helps out? Remember that what you think about yourself can be reflected in how others treat you. If you see yourself as weak or useless, others may see you that way, too. Conversely, if you see yourself as strong and independent, others will respect you and not “use” you. Choose friends that make you feel good about yourself and build you up.
Summary
If you’re a doormat don’t get too down on yourself: it reflects the fact that you are a kind person. But it might do you and your friends no good in the long run. You need to prioritize who you can help and make sure you are not improperly taken advantage of. You need to start saying no. There is plenty of advice in this chapter on how to do this.
In practice
Be honest with people when you feel overwhelmed. Don’t feel that you must say yes. Make sure you have time for yourself. Then you will be better able to help other people.