My clients realize they can no longer take workplace trust and respect for granted. Organizations are in desparate need of people who instinctively pull together during a crisis. We could all benefit from less toe-to-toe, and more side-by-side. Over the last 20 years I’ve helped hundreds of organizations develop strategies that protect cohesiveness and productivity from an increasingly irritable world.

Cohesive, trusting energy is dissipating in our society and world. Yet it is the only source of energy that sustains groups and allows the intellectual discipline that solves complex problems. This book is about understanding, and reversing, this disturbing trend.

It took me 20 years to identify and validate these insights and techniques. Fortunately, by reading this book, you can improve on my learning curve by quite a bit.

Our lives are so saturated with frustration that if we don’t consciously determine how we are reacting, our reactions determine who we are.

The daily blitz of aggravations and frustrations has become part and parcel of modern life in the form of unpopular decisions, disagreements, disappointments, and delays. How employees and leaders, in every sector of our society, respond to these aggravations and stressors is critical to our effectiveness and momentum.

In the following pages, you’ll see that as frustration increases in intensity and frequency, so does irritability and “us vs. them” thinking.

Reflexive, blaming responses are arrogant, expensive, and privileged thieves that ignite power struggles and hostile factions. They accumulate status and clout, and transform what should be side-by-side problem-solving into ugly, toe-to-toe confrontations.

These accusatory reactions pilfer tangible and intangible assets: profit, opportunities, time, collaboration, passion, vitality, and trust. Individuals begin to exploit other people’s errors and squander opportunities to build alliances.

“Us vs. them” mentalities round up your valuables in broad daylight and walk out the front door. Blame is a gutsy con artist that weaves itself into the fabric of organizations with the naïve and oblivious support of employees and management. After you read this book, you will stop underwriting their operation.

During 20 years of consulting, the biggest fiscal payoffs I accrued for organizations occurred in groups that were failing due to conflict and its inevitable companion—stress. In fact, the following chapters contain two case studies where the principles outlined in this book saved organizations millions of hard-earned dollars.

Ending longstanding mistrust and negativity not only makes a walloping contribution to the budget, it also enhances customer satisfaction, employee well-being, retention, workflow, mood, momentum, the potency of leadership, and the success of new initiatives.

Imagine the payoffs when employees and leaders are able to avoid blame and turf wars.

Accounts of workplace conflict are overheard in restaurants, airplanes, wedding receptions, and health clubs. They spill into our personal lives and permanently change our character.

Tales of lost loyalty, mistrust, and fear occur so frequently that most people believe these negative experiences are inevitable. We become fearful and observant about who’s “in,” who’s “out,” who’s in the closed-door meeting, and who’s going out for drinks after work.

We care passionately about our work, reputations, and status within our teams and groups. Stories about simmering conflict and workplace clashes are among the most dramatic experiences of modern life. We all have heard scores of stories of workplace conflict that carry the themes of depression, self-doubt, anger, and despair. Often the story is laced with self-righteousness and cynicism.

Superficially, these stories seem to be told because the teller wants someone to validate his or her point of view. However, at a deeper level, people are searching for answers to their core beliefs and assumptions about human nature.

We deserve answers to these questions. We need to understand the dynamics of destructive conflict, invisible walls, and mistrust, not only to resolve them, but more importantly, to avoid them.

There are specific techniques you can use to avoid the fiscal and emotional costs of a mishandled conflict. With a few simple steps, you will be able to keep disagreement from taking center stage and fragmenting your team, department, organization, and family.

Despite what we fear, bullying, hostility, and blame are not human nature. As you’ll see in the stories that follow, personality is malleable. People’s reactions are determined to a great extent by their settings, the norms of the group to which they belong, and the magnitude of perceived threat. When people feel threatened or lack skills, they react reflexively.

Reflexive reactions are often irrational. Frightened individuals strike out, push away, or jerk back. Individuals caught in the exchange of hostility express outrage about the behavior of those they are in conflict with, and privately question their own. Behaviors that conscientious people condemn in others suddenly seem justifiable for themselves.

Unfortunately, as fear escalates, people’s reactions become more counterproductive and more destructive. The fallout of unresolved conflict triggers doubts about human nature and the viability of every relationship. These conclusions can be permanent. Stung by these experiences, people often decide that they should not trust again, nor invest in their direct reports, colleagues, and coworkers.

In the case studies that follow you’ll see that hurt, not malice, is often at the root of conflict. The trigger for a destructive conflict often lies in an act, pattern of treatment, or callousness toward another person’s loyalty, commitment, or investment.

When an individual feels that their concern for the well-being of their organization or team isn’t valued, he or she often retreats behind an invisible wall that is easily misunderstood. Without information, bystanders and colleagues drift into a state of perpetual confusion and fear about the reasons underlying the demise of joint dreams.

Negative, blaming reactions are explosive and contagious because no one wants to become a scapegoat and risk exclusion from the group. I am often struck by the passion with which people defend their reputations and behavior, and the pervasive drive to avoid exclusion.

The need to belong to a clan, family, gang, or workplace team is a powerful, ancient drive. Behavior that appears aggressive and unreasonable is often the attempt of an unskilled and desperate person who is struggling to stay within the workplace community, to be heard, and therefore included.

Leaders are not exempt from these struggles—in reality, they face additional, unique temptations. Leaders, who often draw their primary support from their direct reports rather than peers, often fall into the trap of using blame and ridicule of other departments and decision-makers as a means of building in-groups of loyal, unquestioning allies. Little do they realize that these mean-spirited behaviors are not only counterproductive, they are painfully transparent.

Within one or two experiences, employees learn how to bring data to the boss. They’ll unconsciously choose between inflammatory, personality-based, and speculative means of delivery, or accurate, situation-based, and factual means. Employees learn quickly which one pleases the boss more.

The energy that can build behind resolution and reconciliation is surprisingly powerful, and often easy to ignite. Even in highly adversarial settings, when I arrive to address the stress and fear in a workplace, employees and leaders grasp the alternative path with relief.

When work groups are presented with a route toward resolution, and a mere outline of a competent process, they pull together, suspend self-oriented needs, and arrive at our meetings with renewed optimism, and with their sleeves rolled up, ready to work and begin anew.

Individuals want to be connected in healthy, productive communities. Anthropologists tell us that cooperation is an ancient practice and is critical to adaptation. Healthy communities are our only means of achieving the goals that none of us can accomplish alone. The motivation exists. We need only provide the opportunity for its expression.

Ending workplace blame and mistrust is the first step of the journey. When you replace negative interactions with a climate of respect and appreciation, you and your organization hit the energy lottery.