6
Commit to Action and Celebrate Success
You and the coachee are now centered with a working plan. On the formal end of the coaching continuum, you and the coachee have agreed to meet regularly for a period of three to six months or more to move toward the desired goals. Toward the middle of the coaching continuum, a manager and employee might develop a growth action plan to guide four to six development meetings over the year. And on the informal end of the coaching continuum, a manager might make some notes on his calendar to follow up on the “in the moment” coaching session he had with a colleague. In all these cases, there is some documentation to guide further discussions.
Now what? In an ideal situation, the coachee embraces the ongoing work required in coaching, does all the fieldwork in between each meeting, demonstrates success in accomplishing small steps forward, and can problem solve and work through all challenges successfully. In real life, coachees often must navigate both external and internal challenges. External challenges may include an unexpected increase in work load, unanticipated deadlines, difficult employees, or a major reorganization. Internal challenges may include lack of self-awareness, self-doubt, fear of failure, or impatience. All these internal challenges are types of resistance.
Resistance
The classic definition of resistance is to push back or work against. A less well-known definition includes the word protect. You may wonder, why would a coachee resist the opportunity to move forward in pursuit of goals that he has said are important? Why might a coachee suddenly demonstrate a reticence to do the work she said was her number-one priority? Perhaps they are protecting the vision of themselves that they have become comfortable with. Remember, you are supporting them in making changes, and that means letting go of behaviors that they may feel have contributed to their success to this point. They are comfortable with these behaviors. It is possible that they may have second thoughts. Change requires a lot of work. And letting go of what we know can be scary.
So, how can you help your client or co-worker in a coaching situation? The answers to these questions can be found in three of the most common forms of resistance you may encounter when coaching: ego, fear, and impatience (Staub 1996).
Let’s look first at ego. Ego is present in all human beings. On a good day, it can give us confidence and support our efforts to try new things. It can also get in the way of us taking responsibility for our contribution in a given situation and lead to us blaming others. This inhibits our learning. Successful coaches are able to create a safe space for their coachees so that they can consider how they may have contributed to a given situation and what they might do differently to achieve the result they would prefer. Asking questions and considering pros and cons of a given action can help.
Fear keeps us paralyzed. It prevents us from hearing feedback and from sharing feedback. When a coachee is afraid, she cannot hear important messages and more important, she will not act on them. Asking questions about best and worst case outcomes and how to ensure the former can help. Reality testing is also a powerful tool to overcome fear.
Impatience recasts ego and fear and creates an impossible scenario in which the coachee wants to effect a change immediately. Rather than allowing time to practice and perfect a skill or demonstrating consistency in applying a given behavior, she wants to demonstrate new behavior and receive acknowledgment of the behavior overnight. This is not likely to happen. As a coach, you will have to create a system with your coachee to encourage continued practice and reinforce the new behavior as it is being practiced. Recognize that coachees are working to add new behaviors or, as David Rock (2006) notes, they are “creating new wiring.” This takes time.
Table 6-1 outlines some of the more common resistance statements you may encounter and several optional dialogue questions you might use to counter the resistance. Study these and add your own as you master the art and science of coaching in your work.
Table 6-1. Helping Coachees Get Unstuck
| Coachee Resistance | Possible Coach Responses |
There are no good options. |
» What are the consequences of doing nothing? » Let’s lay out all options. We can pick the one that pays off the most. |
I tried that. It doesn’t work. |
» What would work? » How is this situation the same or different as before? |
Setting goals is a waste of time. Things change too fast here. |
» Are goals helpful to you in general? » How can goals be created that can withstand change? |
It’s not my fault. |
» How does blaming others help you? |
There’s no time. |
» What can you do in the time you do have? » From experience, how long does it usually take for a new habit to take hold? |
I don’t want to hurt her feelings. |
» How likely is that to happen? How do you know? » What are the consequences of not giving her this information? |
I don’t want to rock the boat. |
» What would happen if you rocked the boat? » How is this rocking the boat? » What are the consequences of doing nothing? |
You don’t understand how things work around here. |
» That may be true. What does it take to be effective here? » How might you take this and modify it to fit how things are done around here? |
Adapted from Bianco-Mathis, Roman, and Nabors (2008)
Bringing in the Environment
Chapter 4 emphasized the importance of “bringing in the environment” to create a fertile ground for coaching to stick. No matter whether the coaching is formal or informal, the coach should encourage the coachee to bring the environment into the process. In an informal setting, this can be as simple as suggesting that the coachee talk to someone who has skill sets, information, or connections that can assist the coachee in achieving goals. Often, the coachee merely needs a reminder that reaching out and asking others to share their strengths is a readily available resource. Other times, the coachee may need to be encouraged by role-playing the words or envisioning the process for approaching others.
It is very useful—especially with more formal coaching situations—to develop a more structured tool for engaging the environment. Inviting others into the process can be measurable, as demonstrated in Table 6-2.
Table 6-2. Direct Observation Feedback
Adapted from Bianco-Mathis, Roman, and Nabors (2008)
Such a tool should be tailored to the specific behaviors pertinent to the coachee. You would work with the coachee to develop no more than six key observable behaviors that the coachee can then ask others to watch out for. Notice that the intent is that the observer is being asked to recognize the new behavior. Remember the “Getting Support From Others” section in chapter 4? By asking members of the coachee’s environment to concentrate on the new behavior, it opens and forces their brains to change existing labels. It is an elegant way to seed the environment toward accepting and noting new characteristics. By asking members of the environment to actively participate in the process, they now have a role to play and will be more inclined to help the coachee succeed. Obviously, this method also keeps the coachee on track because she knows others are looking for those behaviors that lead to her desired future state.
The coachee should be encouraged to choose observers who can be balanced and truthful. They should also be involved enough in the coachee’s sphere of work to realistically assess different situations. The wording a coachee can use to invite observers into the process might go something like this:
Terry, because you’re a colleague who sits with me on several committees, I’d like to ask you to help me with something and I’m hoping you can support me. As you may know, I’m working with an executive coach on my leadership development. I have identified—through some great feedback—four skill sets that I am going to be more mindfully demonstrating. I’ve developed this chart that outlines the observable behaviors. What I’m asking is that you keep this checklist with you and observe me during our times together. When you notice me exhibiting these actions, please note the date, situation, what I said and did, and the results. Next month I’ll come by and ask what you have to share. Would you be open to helping me out with this?
The observation document can include not only positive events, but also another column for “Could have done better.” If included, the purpose is to remind the coachee (and the observer) that improvement is a work in progress. The coach and coachee can decide on which approach to use.
Celebrating Success
By knowing the coachee’s agenda, you are in the position to support, acknowledge, cheer, and congratulate the coachee on facing fears, taking steps forward, repeatedly trying out new behaviors, and reflecting on his actions. Studies have shown that one of the top three motivators in the workplace is acknowledgment—not money, promotion, or even benefits (they are still important, but they are not motivators) (Lipman 2014). And as a formal or informal coach, support and encouragement can and should be given freely.
The action plan illustrates a succession of baby steps toward the desired goal, and it must be punctuated like a birthday, an anniversary, or a graduation. Even if a coaching relationship is going to continue beyond the initial negotiated timeframe, it is useful to pick a time (three months to a year) for which a definitive checkpoint is scheduled—a time to stop and bask in the positive forward movement.
During the status check, guide the coachee toward one of these options:
• Continuation of coaching at a higher level. This might involve establishing new goals or adding additional objectives to the process with new targets and timelines.
• Assessing how the coaching is going and whether it might be useful for the coachee to work with another coach to be supported through another set of eyes.
• Assessing whether it is time to stop formal coaching and have the coachee move forward on his own, applying coaching skill sets to his own growth.
The status check might go smoothly or may be a time during which the coachee exhibits resistance. Supporting the coachee through “going it alone” might involve role-playing and action planning. This is also a good time to remind the coachee that she already has all the skills and tools necessary to not only coach herself, but also others. By engaging in a coaching process, she has had to absorb, practice, and hardwire coaching skills into her own brain. To help the coachee realize that she is set to take on this new challenge, you might ask:
• What have you learned by engaging in a coaching process?
• If you were to coach a colleague, staff member, or boss, how would you go about that?
• If you were going to describe the coaching process to someone, how would you characterize the benefits and challenges?
• What benefit do you see in everyone using coaching behaviors within your organization?
• What kind of support groups might you form or engage in to hone and continue to strengthen your coaching skills?
• What formal situations might you create to continue progress along your own action plan?
• How might you partner with someone else in the organization to support mutual coaching?
• In what ways can you role-model good coaching techniques—in what situations?
• Let’s say it is one year from now and a co-worker says that you are a good example of someone who knows how to coach herself and others. What would you be doing and saying to foster that kind of feedback?
• If you were on a team that was going to institute structures and policies to build an entire coaching organization, what ideas might you have? In what ways might you begin to influence the organization toward that goal?
Case Study
Let’s revisit our executive, Julie, as she grapples with one of her goals.
Bob: Last time we spoke, you were going to speak up at the board meeting. The intent was that you would set the stage for problem solving when your difficult board member, Matt, went on the attack.
Julie: Yes, that was the intent. I didn’t do it.
Bob: What happened?
Julie: Matt started in with his criticism of the numbers, and I froze. The role play you and I had last month kept playing in my head, but none of the words came out. Luckily, David was there to keep things moderately calm, and I emerged with only a few bumps and bruises.
Bob: I’m glad to hear that the role play we had was playing in your head. That’s a step in the direction of your goal. Think about that. At the last board meeting your mind was totally blank, and you were too angry and upset to speak up. This is progress. What needs to happen for those words to leave your head and come out of your mouth?
Julie: Good question. As the words were swirling around my head, I was feeling scared and ashamed.
Bob: Those are strong emotions. Tell me more.
Julie: I was scared that Matt would pounce as soon as I began to speak. And then, because I wasn’t speaking, I felt ashamed for not being the kind of leader that could handle a bully like Matt.
Bob: If I put myself in your shoes, I can understand both of those feelings. First, you know what it’s like to be attacked by Matt, and it’s not pleasant. Fearing that scenario is perfectly normal. Second, having this picture in your head of the leader you want to be—and realizing that you are not yet living up to that picture—can be discouraging. Share with me how my explanation is aligned or not with what you were feeling.
Julie: I think you captured it well. And because of those feelings, I became overwhelmed and, quite frankly, froze. This is hard. After our role play, I thought I was ready to go in there and be strong. I’m now wondering if I will ever get there.
Bob: You’ll get there. The process may be slower than you’d like, but that’s why you’re engaged in coaching! How long did it take you to get this position? Did you just decide to become a CEO and the next day you got the job? How about riding a bike? Did you just hop on the bike with no training wheels and ride perfectly from day one? I know you’re a good tennis player. What stages did you go through to get better at tennis?
Julie: OK, let’s see…. (Julie goes through her history of lessons, practice, and working with challenging partners.) I get your point.
Bob: Exactly. Your ability to stand your own ground with the likes of Matt will require diligence, practice, and time. What are some things you might do to remind yourself that this is a marathon and not a sprint to the finish line?
Julie: Huh. I like that analogy. Actually, that is one thing I can do—picture myself running through the twists and turns of a marathon. That can help. I think I want to talk to you about breaking this down into even smaller steps. Facing that fear is really holding me back.
Bob: OK. Let’s revisit the future picture you have in your head. You are sitting in the next board meeting and Matt goes on the attack. You are strong. You know your work, results, and skills are exemplary and that you are moving the company forward. You have developed a worksheet that outlines his typical hot buttons and …
As this scenario demonstrates, Julie is experiencing the resistance characteristics of fear and impatience. She expresses her fear of Matt interrupting her. She expresses her impatience with her inability to respond to Matt using the role play she worked on with Bob. Note how Bob uses the following techniques to help Julie overcome her resistance:
• He acknowledges and legitimizes the feelings as perfectly normal and human.
• He recognizes the evolution in her thought process.
• He makes the resistance discussable.
• He uses an analogy to reframe the approach.
• He suggests that Julie develop tools and resources to use on her journey.
• He helps Julie envision what success looks like: revisits and further solidifies the future picture.
• He brings perspective to the entire incident.
• He encourages Julie to remember and bring to bear other times in her life when persistence and time were needed to reach a goal (mental connections).
Note the wording Bob used previously when Julie was feeling stuck:
Bob: I’m glad to hear that the role play we had was playing in your head. That’s a step in the direction of your goal. Think about that. At the last board meeting your mind was totally blank and you were too upset to speak up.
Even though this was a baby step in terms of the overall goal, Bob was mindful to shine a light on the fact that it was a step forward. Bob is doing his job as Julie’s coach in keeping a safe space within which she can share her thinking, feeling, and incremental progress. He acknowledges her for taking steps to move closer to her goal. He acknowledges her courage in so doing. And, he helps her work through her plan for next steps. Julie has the opportunity to reveal what happened when she planned to take certain actions and did not. She has the chance to talk through how she felt and how those feelings got in her way. She has the chance to reframe her feelings. She then continues in her thinking and can consider other times when she pursued a goal and it took several tries. As Julie and Bob leave the coaching meeting, Julie feels fully prepared with a plan to move forward.
Making It Real
As we all know from our own growth endeavors, resistance is often around the corner ready to thwart the progress we are making. This chapter looked closely at how ego, fear, and impatience can create personal challenges while we are also trying to work through the constraints of uncooperative colleagues, difficult direct reports, and tense organizational situations. It discussed how to help coachees work through getting unstuck and support them as they move toward their desired goals and practice techniques to stay on track.
At this stage in the coaching process, it is important for the coachee to ask several members of his environment to observe and note times when the coachee exhibits new behaviors. Such an exercise hardwires the behavior not only for the coachee, but also for those who may tend to hold on to previously held perceptions. In the end, the coachee invites the environment to travel on the same development journey.
This chapter also covered the necessity of celebrating success and acknowledging even small steps as progress. It is the job of the coach to punctuate each practice, experience, and learning from one meeting to the next. Lastly, the chapter discussed how the coach should end the coaching engagement, helping the coachee build a plan for continuing the coaching process on her own—develop action plans, track progress, conduct field practice, create supportive tools, and embody coaching as a normal way of going about continuous improvement. This discipline tends to create future coaches and an entire coaching organization. Please reflect on this chapter and develop ideas for how to incorporate this learning into your daily work.
Think of a situation during which someone you were trying to help exhibited resistance and you were not able to move them beyond the resistance:
1. Describe the scenario in terms of the type of resistance, what they said and did, what you said and did, and the outcomes.
■ Scenario (circumstances, type of resistance, behaviors, outcomes):
■ Language (what and how things were said):
2. Based on what you read in this chapter, develop a goal for how you would like that scenario (and similar scenarios) to be handled in the future; then, indicate new language that could be used in the scenario that would support your goal.
■ Goal: When supporting people exhibiting resistance …
■ New language: