CHAPTER 3

Mechanics of Charisma

HUMANS OFTEN OVERLOOK the most obvious things about other humans. As students of human behavior, we are much like Jane Goodall among the chimps, with one exception: We are also chimps. So even though we know a fair amount about people, we can overlook basic things because we are caught up in the interplay that is humanity.

When average people run into a highly charismatic person, what is it that they recall about the person? Everyone who has an encounter with a decidedly charismatic person recounts the story in very similar fashion, regardless of whether the encounter went well or not. Whether it was, “He made me feel as though I was the only person in the room,” or “He made me feel as though he was divine,” it is always about a feeling and not facts.

Followers of cult and genuine religious sect leaders have described their leaders as gods or godlike, just like Joe Whalen, who followed the Maharaji: “I believed he was the living incarnation of God,” he posted on the www.ex-premie.org website. And then, he went on to describe his feelings in detail: “When I was allowed to enter the ashram, I was happy, excited, and I felt privileged for the opportunity he, the Perfect Master, gave me.”

We considered all the cult leaders and how each has been described as charismatic. After looking at David Koresh, with his obvious facial display of emotional disturbance, Charles Manson the raging madman, the paranoid Jim Jones, and Marshall Applewhite, who met the “Bo” half of his Bo-Peep cult leadership in a Houston psychiatric hospital, we ask, “How is it that these people could be perceived as charismatic?” Is there a skill set they were applying? Can it be codified? Is this intentional? Chemical? We also started to look for a good definition of the word charismatic.

Go straight to the dictionary definition of the word charisma. Merriam-Webster Online defines it as “a special magnetic charm or appeal.” Other entries suggest charisma is a bit of snake oil. It's generally not discussed as something humans are born with, although some of us might have been.

So here again is the inherently illogical challenge. How do you study the magic someone is using while you are under his or her spell? The answer is likely something akin to Arthur C. Clarke's magic theorem: any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

What we did was take as many steps back as we could from charisma and analyze it. Our conclusion is that it is more technique than magic.

Because defining charisma is a challenge, and always referred to in terms of feelings, our inquisitive natures sought to define it in logical terms. We began with the premise that, if you cannot define something, then how do you know it exists? It's real if you can see the effect of it. The effect in this case is a feeling. Accepting it as proof that the elusive character trait exists, the next step is to look at it like all other human traits, as a process or series of processes.

Feelings can be created and managed through definable processes; therefore, charisma is a type of manipulation. Not always intentional, this is one process rarely understood by the wielder, which is no doubt why it seems shrouded in mystery.

Time to remove the shroud. Let's call this process that leaves a discernible mark or pattern of responses the mechanics of charisma.

Charisma can be defined, and it is explainable rather than elusive even though it carries the aura of otherworldly abilities. Now it's your turn to acquire them.

If you do not see yourself as particularly charismatic, here are the steps to change that. If you do, here is your path to intensify your natural magnetism and understand how others use charisma on you. The five steps are:

1. Demonstrate value.
2. Recognize opportunity.
3. Grant an audience.
4. Create belonging.
5. Differentiate your target.

Step 1: Demonstrate Value

In 1974, Donald G. Dutton and Arthur P. Aron of the University of British Columbia published the results of a study that cited the probable link between a sense of danger and sexual arousal.¹⁰ The gist is that men on a shaky suspension bridge swaying over a 200-foot drop had a stronger sexual response to an attractive female researcher on the bridge than did the men on a stable, conventional bridge.

To these men in the study, she had a lot of magnetism. Why? First of all, the woman on the bridge demonstrated value by virtue of being:

1. Attractive. The men on the bridge with heightened awareness had no one to whom they could compare her, so she was attractive to them in that element.

2. Unusual. Here was a woman they perceived as attractive on an ostensibly dangerous, swinging bridge. If you're a man, think of how many times you have encountered an attractive woman at a moment when you thought you were about to plunge 200 feet into a rocky gorge.

3. Intelligent. She took each man she encountered through a questionnaire pertaining to psychological research. You may not think that's sexy, but it certainly adds an intriguing dimension to the package.

Although the experiment was designed to show heightened sexual arousal, a similar study about charisma would likely have the same result. The combination of factors differentiated the young survey-taker from the men. In most cases, being physically attractive is enough of a differentiator, but add the other factors to that, and she was suddenly dramatically different in several ways.

You may not have the ability to use all of those factors to create an image of differentiation strong enough that your audience wants to know more. More likely, you will be able to demonstrate value to your audience through some kind of single stimulus. It could be as simple as wearing something odd that distinguishes you from other people and draws their attention to you, but if your intended audience sees that as having entertainment value, for example, it is still a demonstration of value.

When Greg interrogated Arab-speaking prisoners, he had a clear path to demonstrate value. The prisoner would necessarily see him as valuable because the prisoner was required to talk to him, and because he was likely one of the few Americans around who spoke his language. Even so, Greg's demeanor and skill set as he established rapport and questioned the prisoner needed to illustrate value constantly. Merely walking into the room and instantly signaling what he was thinking, what he knew, and what he needed to know, as well as the plan for getting him to talk, would have diminished Greg to the status of furniture in the room. His source needed to feel as though Greg's opinion mattered and he had compelling reasons to ask questions about the prisoner in addition to questions about his activities.

Think of this value in terms of credibility. George Piro, an FBI field agent, disclosed on 60 Minutes that he interrogated Saddam Hussein five to seven hours per day for four months without ever disclosing he was only a field agent. To maintain credibility, he allowed Saddam to believe he was a high-level official that answered to the president of the United States. In effect, by playing on Saddam's ego, he enhanced his value to Saddam.

This demonstration of value has to be one that maintains a veil around you. If you have nothing but one card trick to offer and you quickly divulge that trick, you have missed your opportunity to convey value. However, if you can maintain a flirtatious fan-dance approach that hides your many tricks, you have effectively created value. You need to create an image, which may be based on many components, that is sustainable for the duration of the time you want to maintain your charismatic effect.

Life offers many opportunities for differentiation. Different things impact different people, so your tactic has to take into account your target audience. In the 1960s, a woman not wearing something (such as a bra) had more than entertainment value; it was a political statement that differentiated her. Depending on her audience, that statement could have been interpreted as a differentiator that drew people to her for her courage, or people could have despised her for her lack of morals. It takes a certain amount of confidence to have that kind of presence, but there are many other ways that are compatible with a more reticent persona that you can use to differentiate yourself from the crowd. All have one thing in common: you show you are something other than the norm.

Humor is a great differentiator if you are genuinely funny and able use some generic principles to get a laugh, such as pointing out the incongruity in a common situation. In contrast, the humor in a joke is usually a subjective call.

Some obvious differentiators are physical attributes, such as beauty, grace, speed, and height; others are clothing, or the lack thereof. Just remember your target audience. Wearing promiscuous clothes to church will differentiate you, but playing the organ on short notice will get a warmer reception.

The value you create should give the impression that you are above the other person's station. This does not mean you are above the other person; the key is perception. Because of how you demonstrated value, that individual sees you as above him.

Dwayne teaches CPR and wilderness first aid in a resort community in the Colorado mountains. Lots of people have to take his course because they work with tourists who are unfamiliar with the effects of high elevation and the challenges of the rough terrain. Many other people take it prior to a family camping trip into the backcountry. His classroom is typically filled with well-educated, accomplished people.

When his students first meet him, some of them probably think, “What is this little old guy ever going to teach me, and why do I have to be in a room with him for six hours?”

It doesn't take long for Dwayne to transform into a superhero—the guy you would want to be with if anything happened in the backcountry. He is a font of tips, tricks, and a seemingly encyclopedic knowledge of emergency medicine.

Little old Dwayne becomes attractive, fascinating—even sexy. His value to the students distinguishes him from them; for six hours, it puts him above them.

Move this concept closer to home. The guy in the next cubicle who understands how to deliver a powerful presentation gets adulation and admiration from others in the office. Often, he brushes it aside without regard for the implications and possibilities. He misses the opportunity to exploit the differentiator because he sees himself as a known quantity who has shown all his cards already.

This self-effacing conclusion should remind you of your own experiences with teachers, coaches, and bosses who had no idea how much sway they held over their charges. How many of you had a crush on a teacher or professor, and then later matured and wondered, “What was I thinking?” Maryann admits that, after four years of female teachers, she had a gigantic crush on her fifth-grade teacher and thought that he was the handsomest man alive. When she saw a picture in the newspaper of his fiancée, she was confused. This was not the stunning beauty that should beat her out of the chance to have his undying affection.

The initial reaction—something that approaches adoration—reflects that part of the human psyche that manufactures charisma. Value is in the eyes of the beholder.

In The Game, Neil Strauss recounts the secrets of manipulation he learned during an extended foray into the world of pick-up artists. His mentor, Mystery, counseled him to effect what we call differentiation; here's Strauss's description of his early efforts:

I wore stylish jackets with bright shirts and accessorized as much as I could. I bought rings, a necklace, and fake piercings. I experimented with cowboy hats, feather boas, light-up necklaces, and even sunglasses at night to see which received the most attention from women. In my heart, I knew most of these gaudy accouterments were tacky, but Mystery's peacock theory worked. When I wore at least one item that stood out, women who were interested in me had an easy way to start a conversation.¹¹

Strauss's experience is the beginning of having a charismatic effect on someone: getting the person's attention.

The central element of your success is offering something that gives the other person a feeling that you are both differentiated, and you have real value.

Some factors occur naturally, such as distinctive looks or striking physical attributes like a colorful tattoo. Others are cultivated, such as a tremendous vocabulary, a wonderful speaking voice, or rapier wit. Still others require contrivance to establish your value, such as the peacock theory that Strauss's mentor Mystery advocates. We listed these here in order of preference. If you happen to be gifted from birth, you have an unfair advantage. But do not dismay if you were born “average.” Simply cultivate a skill. Too late, you say? You need this now? Then go to the third option: contrive something. A feather boa may not work for you, but find something you can carry off that gives you the opportunity you're looking for.

Consider these variables when you choose how to demonstrate value:

1. Audience receptivity. Being the best hip-hop dancer in a biker gang may not be what you're after. If you differentiate toward the weird at a science fiction convention, you might be okay, but walking into a business meeting wearing red contact lenses is likely not the right approach.

2. Snowball effect/groupthink. This describes a phenomenon of influence that is most likely to occur when your audience is isolated, at least to some degree. Remember that self-image takes shape based on input from other people, so distortion of that image can easily occur in instances where a group has little outside input. Assume a person demonstrates value through contrivance and can influence a faction of a cloistered group. A fraternity is a good example—a group that is as cloistered as it wants to be—in which one of the guys displays the trappings of wealth that everyone wants: Gucci wallet, Prada shirt, Rolex watch.

Through this display, he then assumes real value to them. Perhaps they see the trappings as a sense of style, which could belong to either the natural or cultivated categories of demonstrated value. After a while, they accept him as the leader, or at least endorse him. When his group accepts new members, or the group socializes with other groups, he already has a power base. This power base provides real value because he has the admiration of others. He does not have to use the contrivance that opened the door for him with the frat brothers. He now has concrete value as a stock to trade while humanizing himself. (Few people have the forethought to call out that the emperor's new clothes are phony.)

This is what Adolf Hitler did when he used the brown-shirts to co-opt a nation. These paramilitary men played a major role in Hitler's rise to power after he successfully escalated their perception of his value. In effect, he leveraged a perceived value due to groupthink.

Simply having a good differentiator is not enough to create charisma. You need to know how to exploit the fact that you have a draw. Was Dwayne the CPR instructor charismatic or just doing his job? Even though he had a ready-made fan club, he missed the boat when it came to charisma because he did not have a process map inside his head, nor was he born with the instincts to create one. He had a devoted following for six hours at a time, and then he was history.

Step 2: Recognize Opportunity

The CPR instructor standing in front of the audience saw the people crowding him as nothing more than what he did for a living. He projected onto many well-meaning people that they only wanted to talk to him because he had information they needed. The fact is that many may have just wanted to say—and some did say—“Good job!” Some of them might have been willing and happy to keep in touch via email if he had given them his email address. So the first lesson from Step 2 is: Do not project. Open your eyes and look for chances to excel. In some cases, opportunities are there, but you have blinded yourself to them. Imagine the outcome if Agent Piro had projected onto Saddam. He would have assumed that Saddam found him inconsequential, and then dismissed him.

Your choice of target must reflect some knowledge that the person with whom you want to connect is predisposed to be receptive to your demonstration of value. There are many ways this can happen; the easiest is to recognize the body language that shows the person is interested in knowing more.

As a warm-up for the closer look at body language in Chapter 4, we want to give you the outline of gestures, posture, energy, and focus that convey inquisitiveness. With overt curiosity at one end and passing interest at the other, the state of inquisitiveness has a lot of degrees. As extreme as they may be, they still have some fundamental body language in common. What we describe here are the physical elements that a kid staring at a huge Christmas present has in common with an executive who receives an intraoffice envelope marked “Important.”

• Heightened energy.
• Sharp focus on the object or person inciting inquisitiveness.
• Raised eyebrows—even if that's just momentary—that signal surprise. This wouldn't apply, of course, if the executive with the “Important” envelope got one of those twice a day when quarterly profits were announced.
• Removal of barriers that may exist between the object of interest and the person. For the child with the present, it would be moving things out of the way to get to the big gift, and then ripping through the wrapping paper. For the person in the office, it would be placing the envelope in an accessible area on the desk and removing the contents from the envelope. When you're talking about gauging receptivity to you personally, the removal of a barrier could mean the person turning toward you, putting down or pushing aside an object that had come between you, uncrossing arms, or any other gesture that implies, “I trust you. We can be closer.”
• Reaching. This makes sense if you're talking about a present or an envelope, but someone who simply wants to express inquisitiveness about you and your demonstrated value will instinctively want to “touch.” Watch what your hands and head do at a museum, even when you know you cannot make contact with the Picasso. You reach—either with your hand or your whole body.

You can apply your skills of observation in concert with other ways to identify an opportunity, too. Use spotters, that is, people you know who are part of the same audience and tuned into your outcomes. They will often notice things you do not.

Look for examples of behavior other than inquisitiveness as you differentiate yourself. When someone walks up to you after a presentation and says you did a fantastic job, is that because she has a vested interest in your success, an infatuation with you as the “teacher,” a curiosity about the subject matter, or wants to set you up for a critique that will slam you into self-esteem hell? Open your eyes and turn off the projection that she is saying and doing what you want to see.

Step 3: Grant an Audience

You grant the person an audience, which could be a formal setup, such as a meeting; or an informal encounter, such as a conversation at the hors d'oeuvres table. This is when you start to manage expectations, and your success in doing so rests in a paradox: bring him close, but keep him at arm's length. This is the fan-dancing exercise. You want to show enough to demonstrate value, but not enough to lose your allure.

Your charisma depends on your target's perception of your value—something that sets you apart from the crowd. If you've developed a mnemonic for remembering all the presidents of the United States in chronological order, and then you divulge it to your target, the magic is gone. You suddenly become just an average person because you gave away the special thing you had.

The real magic is already done for you. All that is left is to not mess it up. If you managed to differentiate yourself by being smarter, faster, prettier, funnier, or more famous, all you have to do now is let the person know that you are approachable while still maintaining your value. This is easy enough for a Nobel Prize winner or former president because their celebrity is a solid commodity. They can trade in that commodity while demonstrating their humanity. Unless you have an equally concrete superpower, you have a difficult task: show the person you have value by subtly anchoring him to whatever it is that makes you worth bonding with. Keep in mind, however, that this may not be the same thing that allowed you to differentiate yourself in the beginning. The more layers you have to your personality, the more you have to work with. Lead with a good card, but keep the trump in reserve.

As the conversation flows, you act like the fan dancer, keeping the tantalizing secret in mind, but never fully disclosing it. One of the greatest differentiators and draws is mystery.

Trying to balance demonstrated value with humanity to create the peak opportunity in which a person feels comfortable approaching you is difficult when you have nothing of real value. It becomes simpler when you have concrete value. A political leader might respond to your adulation with thanks for making him president. He walks a tightrope in terms of demonstrated value because he concurrently reminds you that he is “divine” while humanizing himself by showing a vulnerability; in other words, he needed you to get where he is. The balancing act maintains the perception that there is a reason to admire you, but also reasons not to fear you.

When these two are in balance, a person will feel invited to talk to you and even share information about herself.

Step 4: Create Belonging

Your target audience feels as though you are open to approach, and he sees you as human. Next, genuinely listen to what he has to say. If that seems simple, then you are likely a nimble conversationalist moving from one topic to the next. Start to understand who he is. Let him talk enough to find what you have in common, and point it out. We all have something in common; if you listen long enough, you can find it.

Maybe you know someone who lived four blocks away from his mother's cousin, or once dated a woman who went to school in a town near his hometown. Are those oblique facts the basis for a connection? Absolutely. If you are differentiated enough in the beginning, they are definitely enough. Remember, he is pursuing a normal course of connecting: finding common ground. He wants to bond with you because you have value; that is how you got to this step. You allow your target audience to create a belonging. He feels as though he matters to you, and as a result, draws closer to you and your “magic.”

In the interrogation world, one of the key steps in achieving the desired outcome is establishing rapport; that is, coming to a common understanding. This definition deviates from the common social connotation because rapport for interrogators means a conversational place with a framework that supports an exchange of ideas. There is no delusion of a “buddy, ol' pal” relationship. One person is squarely in charge, and the other understands the difference in status.

Nevertheless, the bond between interrogator and source can occur very quickly. It centers on the source's understanding that the interrogator accepts her on some level, no matter how superficial. If language abilities, knowledge of the source's operations, and other “magic” make the interrogator seem unreachable, she needs to remind the source of common ground. This does not mean accepting her as an equal in the magic. The interrogator simply finds territory where the two can relate authentically. He builds a framework that enables sharing ideas. Rapport is a bridge.

Do not continue to bond and build rapport indefinitely, or similar to the interrogator that tells all up front, you'll lose your magic. Get your target to the point at which she feels comfortable telling you why she is different and important. You will recognize it when the opportunity arises. When she can talk about herself, you appear magnanimous. This is not difficult, and we will give you active listening tools in Chapter 4 in the event your first tries do not yield what you think they should.

Step 5: Differentiate Your Target

When he feels comfortable enough to talk to you, it means you have enough rapport for him to have a sense of belonging. He has established himself in terms of you and him, and he is ready to build on that.

Humans bleed information when we talk. One of the toughest things to teach a young interrogator is how to hide what he is looking for. Preoccupation with our own thoughts causes us to drop key words and concepts as we talk about other things. So even when asking questions, we often telegraph information that's running though our minds. In the interrogation business, we call this leakage source leads.

You have a natural skill set to follow up on these, and this book gives you the techniques to refine it. When you have a casual conversation with someone, do you notice how a good conversation flows like a stream, following the contours of the land on either side? That is an example of how following up on a source lead works: Watch where he goes with his expressed thoughts. When he telegraphs that something is important, prod him to elaborate. By allowing your target to express his ideas and opinions and differentiate himself, you can teleport him from one level to another on Maslow's hierarchy. The resultant feeling you generate will cause him to feel as though you have some kind of magic, or to paraphrase Arthur C. Clarke, your technique is sufficiently advanced.

It's difficult to pull off the demonstration of value consistently if you're in the public eye. We don't mean someone as famous as Brad Pitt, who has people around him reinforcing his public image as a super-sexy, super-talented, and super-philanthropic man. We mean someone in a company who has the daily scrutiny of bosses, colleagues, and employees. Their input on a daily basis can hammer your presentation of value.

If you want to sustain this, you need to manage and insulate the egos of people around you; that is, get them to focus on your value as a kind of gold standard—the criterion against which others are measured. This sounds hard, but if you look at people who accomplish this daily, you will realize that it can be very easy. If you went into the tiger cage every day, then that's the standard of differentiation. If you had the most intriguing photos in your PowerPoint presentations every week, then that would be the standard. Do you recognize this technique? You are creating a snowball effect that will allow others to see you as valuable and give you tangible stock to trade.

In summary, charisma is not some magical aura residing in the person. It is an ability to move others up the hierarchy of needs, quickly manipulating them to go from belonging to status. Ultimately, charisma is an effect living in the subject. After all, as you leave them with the feeling of having known the X-iest (brightest, sexiest, wittiest) person alive, you have given them some value, and they can become more charismatic.

Most people do not exercise skills so they intentionally appear charismatic. Commonly, people stumble into a set of processes that gives them the capability to accomplish the outcome that you recognize as charisma. This is not necessarily the manifestation of some sinister personality streak, but rather an intelligent polishing of a process that occurs through time.

This mechanical cycle, similar to any other process, will require that you refine it. You cannot expect to go from ordinary and bland on day one to Bill Clinton next week. Work through the steps you need to inventory, whether you have natural, cultivated, or contrived value. And if you have natural value it never hurts to add a layer of cultivated value because people will respect it even more. If all you have now is contrived value, take time to cultivate value as you follow this process.

Charisma from a Distance

Given that there is a formula for charisma that follows the steps we outlined, how can a person have charisma from a distance? You probably never met John F. Kennedy or Princess Diana when they were alive, nor have you chatted with Barack Obama, Bill Clinton, or Queen Elizabeth II. The formula is still the same. The difference is that these people have the international spotlight, and you fall for the message delivered by the image, which is no different from what you would get if you met them in person. Most of us will never know the real person, only the aspect of the complex person that he or she wants us to see. They are still showing you their value, granting you an audience via the media, and making you feel as though you belong. In the case of a politician, he allows you the chance to differentiate by associating with someone grand or a grand cause. The more inflated this feeling, the more willing you will be to invest your time and money in his success.

The Opposite of Charisma

The opposite of charisma is behavioral bad breath—a lazy, obnoxious state that repels but does not give a forceful shove. Similar to charisma, you might describe it as very difficult to define, or an elusive, even indefinable, personality trait. The difference is the trait arouses a sense of distance, not the perception of intimacy. Whatever it is, this is not a characteristic you want to achieve, even if you want to get rid of someone. Hence, there is no section here on the mechanics of the opposite of charisma. Although there are plenty of instances in which a celebrity seems to operate with anti-charisma. People are drawn to that celebrity simply because he's famous and/or talented, but he never humanizes himself and instead rebuffs his fans. Hollywood is strewn with the ghosts of celebrities who made the ultimate mistake of turning on their admirers before they had enough clout to casually blow off the little people.

In moving someone out of your life, you will learn to use the mechanics of charisma to move someone down the hierarchy of needs if you want to take a negative approach, or maneuver him up into another peer group if you want to take a positive approach.