The world will shape you if you let it. To live the life you desire, you must make conscious choices.

—John Donahoe, CEO, Nike

The most frequent question emerging leaders ask is, “Can I have a great career and a great family life?” Increasing job pressures, time demands, and the complexities of two‐career partnerships make this integration more challenging than ever. Young leaders have seen many in their parents' generation sacrifice their families for their careers and have lived through the pain of broken marriages and estranged relationships. They are committed to living differently.

If you find yourself getting too caught up in your work, ask yourself, who are better leaders: 80‐hours‐per‐week executives who live for work and subordinate everything to their career, or leaders who work hard 50–60 hours per week but balance their work with the needs of their families? Which leader would you want to work for?

Paradoxically, people who live for work are less effective than well‐balanced leaders who integrate work into their lives. One‐dimensional, work‐obsessed leaders struggle to relate to others, develop perspective, and stay grounded. In contrast, leaders who cultivate an integrated life commit to invest time in all aspects of their lives: family, work, community, friends, and personal time (Figure 7.1).

As the frequency of communication has intensified, the pace of business has increased. There is never enough time to do everything because the world around you makes ever greater demands on your time. Nobody achieves a perfect balance between all aspects of life. Inevitably, you will have to make trade‐offs. How you do so will determine how fulfilling your life is.

John Donahoe: Living an Integrated Life

Nike chief executive officer (CEO) John Donahoe is a very busy leader with a two‐career marriage and four children who has been able to integrate all aspects of his life.

On a tranquil Boston evening in 1983, John was enjoying dinner with his fiancée, Eileen. John had an excellent reputation at consulting firm Bain. His eyes lit up as he talked about his career prospects. As dinner continued, Eileen voiced concern about the toll John's career could take on his life. She worried that the long hours, constant travel, and stress might limit his ability to have close relationships. Then she asked him pointedly, “Is that really what you want in life?” John answered adamantly, “No!” and wrote on the back of a bank receipt, “I will not live the life of a management consultant.”

Rising through the ranks to become Bain's worldwide managing director, John worked hard at leading an integrated life. “My ultimate goal is to have an impact in business, as well as be the kind of father, husband, friend, and human being I want to be. The human side is the highest goal and ultimate challenge.”

Leading a satisfying life is a quest worth taking. I believe integrating my life has enabled me to be a more effective leader. The struggle is constant, as the trade‐offs and choices don't get any easier as you get older. My personal and professional lives are not a zero‐sum trade‐off. Having a strong personal life has made the difference.

The world can shape you if you let it. To have a sense of yourself as you live, you must make conscious choices. Sometimes the choices are really hard, and you make a lot of mistakes.

During John's first year at business school, Eileen went into labor with their first child on the eve of finals. When he asked himself what was more important, the birth of his child or his grades, the answer was obvious. Having achieved in every academic environment, he had to let go of his desire to get top grades. “In a strange way, I had an excuse for not doing well and accepted the fact that I wasn't going to get straight As,” he says. As finals approached, John spent more time with Eileen and felt oddly relaxed.

To his surprise, he earned the highest grades possible that quarter. “It was only because I had a bit of perspective. I certainly wasn't the smartest person,” he says. “I remember watching the inefficiency that kicked in when people stressed out.” That experience convinced him that a strong personal life could be an ally in achieving professional success.

A few years later, John faced another difficult choice. After graduating from law school, Eileen received an offer to clerk for a federal judge, a job requiring her to be at work by 7:30 a.m., so John had to take their two kids to school every day. Because his job required extensive travel, he told his boss, Tom Tierney, he had to quit. Tom just laughed and said, “We can work around this.” He reassigned John to a local client, enabling him to take his kids to school before arriving at the client site. John explains,

My client responded positively as he appreciated my commitment and contributions even more. I didn't have the courage to think about it that way before. There's an inclination to put on a tough exterior to give the impression that you have everything under control.

John's experience challenged the conventional wisdom of how to succeed in high‐intensity professional services firms. The more John integrated his life and embraced his humanity, the more effective he became as a leader. “That was my best year of client work. Our client understood, and I became more relaxed,” he recalls. By showing his team and clients his vulnerabilities, John discovered his teams performed better and his client relationships strengthened.

After 6 years as head of Bain's San Francisco office, John was burned out by his fast‐paced life and wanted to spend more time with his two oldest sons, so he handed off his work to colleagues and took a 3‐month sabbatical. “It was an opportunity to bring our family closer together,” he explains.

First the family went to Europe, then John took separate weeklong trips with his wife and each of his four children. He returned to Bain reenergized. A year later, he was named worldwide managing director, succeeding Tierney, just as the economy was plummeting and the health of one of his children tested him as never before. “This was the hardest thing I've ever dealt with.”

My family, friends, coaches, and colleagues were unbelievably helpful. Real life forced me to bring a sense of authenticity and vulnerability to the workplace, because life humbles you.

Sharing his personal situation helped him connect with his partners, so they could rally during the downturn. “I had faith in our people,” he says. He believes he was effective precisely because he was able to integrate his personal and professional lives during stressful circumstances.

Because so much emotional energy was going to my family, I didn't take the downturn personally. As a result, I was more effective as a leader. My legacy to Bain partners will be the way I led us through the downturn.

After concluding his leadership of Bain, John became CEO of eBay, succeeding Meg Whitman and transforming the company into a vibrant competitor in the high‐tech world. In 2015, he retired from eBay after completing the successful spin‐off of PayPal.

Once again, John took a sabbatical. At age 55, he started with a 10‐day silent Buddhist retreat and then began a “wisdom tour” to meet with 50 people who could offer perspective on his next chapter. He observes, “One of my mentors told me, ‘Do not lose sight of your gifts.’”

God gave me certain gifts, and my job is to utilize them in service to others. That animates me inside and makes me happy because I've learned that all the success and wealth and fame in the world cannot make me happy.

The Donahoes have successfully weathered challenging stages of their lives and dual careers as they strive for an authentic life together. Eileen served as Ambassador to United Nations Human Rights Council in Geneva under President Barack Obama, and John is currently in his fourth CEO role as head of Nike after building ServiceNow for 3 years.

Despite his highly demanding job, John prioritizes daily meditation and exercise and cherishes his support team. “I've embraced a lot of help,” he says. “I've had the same therapist for 30 years. I have spiritual advisors and business mentors, whom I call often for guidance. I can't imagine performing today without help.”

John and Eileen's partnership serves as an excellent example of how to intentionally build an integrated life and how rewarding it can be. Although 40 years have passed since their conversation that night in Boston, Eileen has not forgotten the signed bank receipt. “I keep it inside my purse and have brought it out many times over the years,” she says.

Setting Ground Rules

Most of us want to have a successful career and a rewarding relationship and family life. The problem comes when you get into the habit of sacrificing yourself and your family for the company. Years later, you may find yourself in a career trap you can't withdraw from because your living expenses are so high you can't afford to quit. My advice is to establish clear ground rules for your work‐life integration and stick to them, rather than doing whatever it takes to get ahead.

When I was at Litton, my boss owned an expensive home in Beverly Hills and belonged to exclusive country clubs, yet he called regularly to say how much he hated his job. One day I asked, “If it's that bad, why don't you quit?” Instantly he replied, “With all my expenses, I can't afford to.” A few years later, he died of lung cancer from smoking to relieve his stress.

To achieve work‐life integration, it is essential to set clear boundaries between work and home life. If you do so, you will be pleasantly surprised about where life will lead you. After all, the alternative is to earn a lot of money and not have the time to share it with your family, or to become estranged from your spouse and children because you neglected them.

Integrated leaders find life more fulfilling and develop healthier organizations. They radiate authenticity because they are the same person at home and work. They delegate well and empower others because they cannot cram it all in themselves. They make more thoughtful decisions because they have perspective and trusted support teams. They bring positive energy because they are recharged and rested. In the long run, they achieve better results.

Managing Dual Careers

One of the greatest challenges couples face today is managing dual careers, particularly while raising families. Can both people achieve their career ambitions, or does one person's career take precedence? Will their children grow up healthy or feel neglected? During COVID‐19, many leaders found their lives were more manageable while working from home. Will that last in the postpandemic era?

As the following stories illustrate, you can make dual careers work if both you and your partner are flexible, in constant communication, and steadfast in establishing boundaries on work and home life.

Anne Mulcahy and her husband, Joe, are both Xerox veterans who made significant trade‐offs in managing their dual careers. Anne says, “I work hard at my career, but my family is the most important thing in my life. I love Xerox, but it is not even on the same scale as my family.” She and Joe decided one of them would be at home with their kids every night. They also agreed they would not move; instead they commuted, even when their jobs required traveling great distances. Anne says, “To be CEO of Xerox never having moved is quite extraordinary, but it's doable. At Xerox, we expect people to put their families first. Unacceptable trade‐offs should not be part of work.”

Ulta Beauty CEO Mary Dillon and her husband, Terry, both came from large families and wanted to have a large family of their own, but weren't sure how they would manage that with two careers. Mary explains how they made it work: “It became clear early on that it made sense for my career to take the lead. I had a career in business that I loved and was starting to really take off. Terry was a biochemist, and while he liked the field, he wasn't as devoted to his career as I was.”

After our first child was born, I created Quaker Oats' first job‐sharing program with another female executive. We both worked three days a week and had two days at home, while running a P&L and managing a team. After our second child, I was up for a promotion that would have required that I go back to full‐time. That is when we made the decision for Terry to retire, and it worked so well that we had two more kids after that.

Phil and Annika McCrea have constantly made trade‐offs throughout their marriage while raising three children. Phil made the difficult decision to plunge ahead with starting a company as they were starting their family, while Annika built her consulting practice. Living in San Francisco, Phil was exhausted from traveling coast‐to‐coast virtually every week to meet with his pharmaceutical customers, so they made the difficult decision to relocate to New Jersey after Annika persuaded her firm to transfer her. For the last decade they have maintained dual CEO careers, Annika at Bonvent Holdings and Phil at ClearPoint. In 2015, they moved their family to Sweden so their children could learn Annika's Swedish culture. Their story illustrates the challenges of dual‐career families, but also that it can be done with mutual flexibility.

As young professionals achieve greater success in their careers, their salaries increase, but so do the demands on their time. Many people choose to use their extra income on a more luxurious car or nicer vacations. A better expenditure may be to spend money on support systems—nannies, home maintenance providers, house cleaners, cooks, or lawn care services—that allow you to prioritize the important people in your life.

Healthcare technology entrepreneur Ben Lundin found himself deeply engaged with his work. Yet at home, the drudgery of picking up toys and cleaning for an hour each evening became monotonous. He worked out a weekly arrangement where his nanny would stay late and clean up while he went on a date with his wife, Julia. Buying quality time together offers a higher return for Ben than anything else he could do with the money.

Create Well‐Being in Mind, Body, and Spirit

Do you have a sense of well‐being in your life? Well‐being exists when you feel harmony, serenity, and a sense of fulfillment in your mind, body, and spirit.

The COVID‐19 pandemic caused people to ask hard questions about their well‐being at work and in their lives. For many, the pandemic has raised the question, “Why do I work? Is it worth it?” It also triggered the Great Resignation, when millions left their jobs because they found little meaning in their work.

Many people find working from home so satisfying and productive that they are refusing to return to their office on a regular basis. In contrast, others are eager to get back as they are starved for the human interactions and communities. Regardless, employers report high levels of stress, burnout, and mental health needs in their workforce.

Long after COVID‐19 abates, the psychological impact of the pandemic will be with us. People want to find harmony in their lives as well as fulfillment. No longer are they willing to sacrifice their lives for their work. The solution is found in nurturing yourself in all aspects of your life: mental, physical, and spiritual.

The Flexible Workplace

In this postpandemic era, COVID‐19 is having long‐lasting effects on people's attitudes about why and where they work. People are more concerned about their well‐being than ever before, as they should be. In March 2020, most companies hoped that after a 2‐week quarantine, life would return to normal. Two years later, the psychological impact on people is being felt even as the virus fades.

During the interlude, habits changed as people embraced the benefits of avoiding long commutes and spending more time with family, while others were stressed by back‐to‐back Zoom meetings that were largely transactional with few opportunities to build relationships. While office workers could have more flexibility, people in manufacturing, research, health care, and service industries must be in the workplace, which creates cultural disparities.

While norms have changed, human nature has not. It remains challenging to develop deep relationships entirely remotely. Many people miss the collegiality of their workplace, opportunities for informal interactions, collaboration, creativity and mentoring, and the sense of belonging that comes from healthy workplaces.

Looking ahead, key to bridging these differences is workplace flexibility. The standard 8:30 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. workday is gone. Organizations need to create hybrid workplaces, with some people in the office while others are remote yet still creating a sense of belonging for everyone. Or they may revert to select days of everyone being in the office with the remainder being flexible.

Each organization is different and will tailor its workplace to the nature of its business and its people. As leaders, you will face the challenge of making this new environment effective, while ensuring that you use your leadership to ensure the well‐being of all your employees.

Emerging Leader: Martha Goldberg Aronson

Martha Goldberg Aronson started her career at Medtronic and quickly developed a reputation as a high‐potential leader. She joined the company's acquisitions group and was chosen two years later as a Medtronic Fellow to attend graduate business school. After rejoining Medtronic as a product manager, she was promoted to general manager of its rapidly growing Urology and Gynecology business.

One day, she was home alone with her 3‐year‐old and 5‐week‐old sons when the phone rang. Medtronic's head of human resources asked her, “What would you think about an international assignment?” Martha recalls, “I hemmed and hawed and told her this wasn't the best day to talk about a move.” Martha was skeptical about whether an international move was right for her career or her personal life. Being far from the support of her parents and siblings with a toddler and a baby was not part of her game plan. She worried about the impact on her husband's career and was hesitant to walk away from the dynamic team she had built in her business.

When she discussed the European opportunity with her husband, Dan, his immediate reaction was, “Let's go,” although it meant a break in his career. Realizing this was a unique opportunity to live and work overseas and give her young children exposure to another culture, she accepted the job. Martha flourished in the European environment, as she grew from daily exposure to the wide range of cultures. She took a risk when an opportunity arose, and embraced leading in a complex geographic environment without knowing the next step in her career.

After three years in Europe, Martha became pregnant with her third child and felt that she needed to be closer to her family in Minnesota. Her husband was also eager to resume his career. She called Medtronic CEO Art Collins, who immediately offered her the position as head of investor relations. Just a year later, she was promoted to head of human resources.

Eager to return to a line position, Martha became national sales manager for Hill‐Rom based in Chicago, a position that required constant travel. Unhappy with being away from her family, Martha reconsidered her move, and accepted a position at Minnesota‐based Ecolab as executive vice president and president of its $500 million global healthcare business.

Martha's motivation to take on significant challenges in stretch roles comes from her passion for helping others, which she tries to instill in her children as well. She recalls, “The other day I told my son, ‘I'm going away on business, but I'll only be gone one night.’” He told her she could stay longer if it meant that she could help more people.

More recently, Martha left Ecolab and transformed her career yet again to focus on board service. These days she is chair of the board of Beta Bionics, past chair of the Guthrie Theater, and a board member of Cardiovascular Systems and CONMED Corporation.

All leaders face difficult questions about work‐life integration, but Martha's story offers some essential lessons. Her European role proved to be a formative experience for her career and her family. However, too many sacrifices for your career may be a signal your life is out of balance. You must remain mindful of what you and your family can handle, then put boundaries around your work decisions, or you may find that work takes over your life—and then you will not be effective in either domain.

Bill's Take: Knocking Down Artificial Walls

From the time I was a teenager, I was committed to leading a great organization and having a great family life. When Penny and I were dating, we talked about how we could support both our careers and still have plenty of time for our family. Before our children were born, finding a balance was easy.

The birth of our sons, Jeff and Jon, changed everything. Penny was working as a consulting psychologist just as my travel was heating up. My absences put pressure on Penny to raise the boys and get her work done. I tried to do my full share of the child rearing but cannot say I succeeded. As hard as I tried, Penny wound up with a greater share of the burden.

Can you imagine yourself trying to be a strong, mature leader at work, impervious to the pressures? A rising leader in your community? A laid‐back person at home? Practicing a private spiritual life? That's what I was doing in my early 30s. To cope with these different roles, I created internal compartments for them and behaved according to the expectations in each environment. Anyone who knew me well saw I was anything but authentic.

Then Penny and I went on a life‐changing spiritual retreat. The sharing of love we experienced deeply moved us, but I also saw clearly how I was compartmentalizing my life. I did not have the courage to share who I really was with people in these different environments, especially my superiors at work.

After the weekend, I decided to knock down these artificial walls and decompartmentalize my life—committing to be the same person at home, at work, in the community, and in church. Penny was my reality check, challenging me when I got too busy. Still, it took several years before I felt fully comfortable letting people see who I truly was.

In the late 1980s, high stress at Honeywell carried over into my home life. I was traveling almost constantly, unhappy in my work, and began turning to activities outside the company for fulfillment, such as coaching youth soccer. Meanwhile, I was in denial about how the stress was affecting my family and me. It was a good thing Penny confronted me about my behavior and the stress it put on her. In retrospect, it took pain at work and at home for me to face up to changing directions in my career and focus on what is important in life.

Idea in Brief: Lead an Integrated Life

Recap of the Main Idea

• Nobody achieves a perfect balance between all aspects of life. How you make trade‐offs between your career, family, friends, community, and personal life reflects your values and determines how fulfilling you find your life.
• Think about integration in terms of bringing the major parts of your lives together.
• Integrated leaders establish clear ground rules to balance the different parts of their lives, relieve stress, and think clearly about personal and professional issues.

Questions to Ask

1. What do you do to ensure that you stay grounded professionally?
2. In what ways do your family life, personal life, friendships, and community life add to or detract from your professional life?
3. What is the most difficult trade‐off between various aspects of your life that you have made in the past? What would you do differently in the future?
4. How do you measure success in your life? What is your personal scorecard? What long‐term achievements would you like to realize in your life?
5. Make a list of the most important relationships in your life. Why are these people important to you? How do you look to them for support?
6. Do you have a personal support group? If so, what is its value and meaning to you and your leadership?

Practical Suggestions for Your Development

• Reflect on the time you're allocating to each part of your life and consider whether you're allocating time to the areas where you're most fulfilled.
• Prioritize finding time for yourself by establishing consistent routines such as meditation, yoga, exercise, or spending time with friends.
• Gain perspective by seeking out ways to get involved in your community through charity events or volunteer opportunities.
• Build a personal support team through small groups and/or mentorship; ensure these are two‐way relationships by helping others as well.
• Create a personal scorecard for how you measure success in your life; review the scorecard and grade yourself on it regularly.