Know Thyself.

—Inscribed on temple wall at Delphi, 6th century BCE

Self‐awareness is the foundation of authenticity. You develop it by exploring your life story and your crucible, and by understanding how these experiences shape you as a person and leader. You enhance it as you seek honest feedback from others. You refine it by adopting practices that help you remain mindful and aware, even amidst life's chaos.

When the Stanford Graduate School of Business surveyed its advisory council on the leader's most important quality, their answer was unanimous: self‐awareness. It is the sine qua non of knowing your values, discerning your passions, staying balanced, and discovering your purpose. In this chapter, we'll discuss how to become self‐aware through mindfulness, honest feedback, and self‐acceptance of yourself and compassion for yourself and others, which leads to self‐actualization.

Satya Nadella: “Know‐It‐Alls” to “Learn‐It‐Alls”

When Satya Nadella took over as Microsoft chief executive officer (CEO) from Steve Ballmer in 2014, the company was suffering from a dysfunctional political culture that had missed every significant high‐tech innovation in the past decade, including internet search, mobile phones, e‐commerce, social media, and the cloud. In my own interactions with Steve, I found him abrasive, arrogant, and domineering. Satya observes, “People would walk around our campus thinking we are God's gift to mankind. Whether it's in ancient Greece or modern Silicon Valley, there's only one thing that brought companies, societies, and civilizations down—hubris.”

Upon taking the helm, Satya rapidly transformed Microsoft's strategy and culture, exiting its failed acquisition of Nokia mobile phones, moving into social media with the acquisition of LinkedIn, broadening into games with Minecraft and Activision Blizzard, and expanding its cloud business, Azure. Under Ballmer, Microsoft's stock had been flat for 14 years. Since Satya became CEO, it has grown nine times to a valuation of $2.5 trillion, making Microsoft one of the world's two most valuable companies.

For all his success, Satya is extremely humble with unusually high levels of self‐awareness and empathy, shaped by his life experiences and his crucibles. Ironically, a lack of empathy nearly cost him the chance to join Microsoft. During his interview, Microsoft's Richard Tait asked him, “Imagine you see a baby lying on the street, and the baby is crying. What do you do?” Satya immediately responded, “You call 911.” Richard put his arm around Satya and said, “You need to get some empathy. If a baby is lying on the street crying, you pick up the baby.”

Satya's crucible came during his first child's birth. His son Zain was born with cerebral palsy caused by utero asphyxiation, confining him to a wheelchair. In his book Hit Refresh, Satya observes how this experience became the catalyst for his empathy.

I was devastated, but mostly I was sad for how things turned out for me and Anu. Thankfully, Anu helped me to understand that it was not about what happened to me. It was about deeply understanding what had happened to Zain and developing empathy for his pain and his circumstances.

Being an empathetic father and bringing that desire to discover what is at the core, the soul, makes me a better leader. An empathetic leader needs to be out in the world, meeting people where they live.

Zain lived for 26 years until he passed away in February 2022.

Satya's first experience with grief and loss occurred at age 6 when his 5‐month‐old baby sister died. His journey led to the discovery of Buddha's teachings about suffering and impermanence—that life's problems cannot always be solved. Accepting this reality enabled him to develop greater equanimity and compassion.

After he was named CEO, Satya spoke passionately about the aspects of his life stories that had enabled him to develop self‐awareness.

As a child in India, a young man immigrating to this country, a husband and the father of a child with special needs, and an engineer designing technologies that reach billions of people worldwide, all these came together in this new role that would call upon all my passions, skills, and values.

We spend far too much time at work for it not to have deep meaning. If we can connect what we stand for as individuals with what this company is capable of, there is very little we can't accomplish. My personal philosophy and passion are to connect new ideas with a growing sense of empathy for other people.

Microsoft's culture had become dogmatic because everyone had to prove they knew it all and were the smartest people in the room. Satya committed to change Microsoft's culture from “know‐it‐alls” to “learn‐it‐alls.” He sees the CEO's chief job as being the curator of the organization's culture. The key to culture change is empowerment that brings out the best in everyone. He asks all employees to adopt psychologist Carol Dweck's growth mindset, observing that “a fixed mindset will limit your growth and a growth mindset can move you forward, centered on the belief that everyone can grow and develop.”

Satya believes that, with a growth mindset, all Microsoft employees could identify their innermost passions and connect them to Microsoft's mission of empowering every person and every organization on the planet to achieve more. To enable his team members to improve their self‐awareness, Satya brought in a psychologist who specialized in mindfulness training. At a remote spot on the Microsoft campus, his senior leadership team shared at a deep level who they are, their life stories, guiding beliefs, and struggles.

“Everybody talks about change, but everybody wants the other person to change and not change themselves. The reality is that the inner change is the hardest one,” Satya remarks. “That applies to human beings, societies, countries, and the world.” Satya also speaks about his own weaknesses, including a fascination with new ideas and a propensity to move to the next idea too soon. He acknowledges, “I'm blessed to have a very capable team surrounding me who complement my strengths and weaknesses.”

How many business leaders can you name who put empathy at the center of their leadership? Who guide their executive team in mindfulness exercises? Satya could only lead in this way because he possessed high levels of self‐awareness and self‐acceptance. He uses the empathy learned from dealing with his family crucibles to be a more vulnerable and open leader.

Satya recognized that without empathy, Microsoft would never succeed in understanding customer needs and delivering solutions to meet those needs. He has transformed one of the world's great businesses by refocusing it on the needs of customers, rebuilding the culture, and reinvigorating its mission to make a difference in the world.

The Journey to Self‐Awareness

Developing self‐awareness by understanding your life story and reframing your crucibles should be the starting point on every person's path to becoming a leader. Early in their careers, many leaders try so hard to establish themselves that they never take time for self‐exploration. As they mature, they find something is missing in their lives or realize something is holding them back from being the person they want to be. Multiple stressors emerge as they take on more challenges, like getting married, having children, buying a home, managing teams, or losing a loved one. Too often these choices lead to detachment, addiction, infidelity, or other derailers.

How can you avoid these reactions when faced with stress? Understanding your life story allows you to better understand your vulnerabilities, fears, and longings. Reframing your crucibles gives you greater control of your emotional reactions. If you don't undertake this deep introspection, you are vulnerable to being manipulated because you don't have the self‐awareness to recognize your triggers.

Self‐awareness is the first step of your journey to self‐acceptance and self‐compassion, which ultimately lead to self‐actualization (Figure 4.1).

When you gain self‐awareness, you realize that you don't have to emulate other people to be successful. Nor do you have to live in envy of them. You can admire them and learn from them without wanting to be like them. That ultimately frees you up to be yourself.

The psychologist Carl Jung said the greater the light you have, the greater the shadow you cast—meaning people with extraordinary strengths often have corresponding weaknesses. Your shadow side comes from the imprints of your life story and represents the parts of your personality you don't want to admit. One's natural tendency is to hide their shadow side, but it becomes illuminated through self‐awareness.

In many cases our strengths, when overused, turn into weaknesses. For instance, a wise, discerning person whose strength is good judgment may have a shadow side that manifests itself through petty criticism. Alternatively, an energetic person who is open to change may have a shadow side that encompasses impulsiveness or inconstancy. By accepting both your light and your shadow, you can become a more integrated human being who can consciously choose the middle ground between these poles.

To accept all of yourself unconditionally, you must directly confront your shadow side and learn to love your weaknesses just as you revel in your strengths. When you accept your light and shadow, you can accept who you are and be comfortable in your own skin. This self‐acceptance leads to the development of self‐compassion, which enables you to have genuine compassion for yourself and others, as well as the challenges they face. Self‐compassion ultimately frees you up to be yourself and become fully self‐actualized.

Self‐actualization is the full realization of your talent and potential. Psychologist Abraham Maslow refers to it as “the desire to become more and more what one is, to become everything that one is capable of becoming.” Self‐actualization is the highest form of self‐awareness in knowing who you are as a person and leader.

Peeling Back the Onion

As you search for your true self, you are essentially peeling back the layers of an onion (Figure 4.2). The outer layers are the ways you present yourself to the world—how you look, your facial expressions, body language, attire, and leadership style. Often these outer layers are hardened to protect you from criticism of your inner self. I once asked a mentee why he spent so much time in front of the mirror. His answer was telling: “I need to look good on the outside, because I feel rotten on the inside.”

Peeling the onion further, you reach your inner core where you gain a deeper understanding of your strengths, weaknesses, values, and motivations. Underneath these layers lies your understanding of your life story. As you approach your inner core, you find your shadow sides, blind spots, and vulnerabilities. At the core of your being is who you really are—your True North.

Your inner layers feel tender and vulnerable because they have not been exposed to the scrutiny of the outside world. When you don't feel safe, you hide your inner layers to protect them from exposure and harm. Too often, this leads to developing a false self or persona, which interferes with your ability to form genuine connections with others.

Developing Self‐Compassion

Only when leaders accept who they are can they be comfortable in their skin. Then we can have compassion for ourselves and the challenges we face. Only through self‐compassion can we have genuine compassion for others and the difficulties they have faced. This requires loving yourself unconditionally.

In The Poetry of Self Compassion, poet David Whyte says in knowing your weaknesses and shadow sides, you can accept things you like least about yourself. David says you cannot wall yourself off from the pain of past experiences which you have hidden. If you repress those experiences, you allow them to control you. By confronting your shadow side, you can accept yourself unconditionally, and accept your weaknesses just as you revel in your strengths.

Armed with high levels of self‐awareness and self‐acceptance, you are prepared to regulate your emotions and your behavior. Emotional outbursts result from someone penetrating things you don't like about yourself and still cannot accept. By accepting yourself, you are no longer vulnerable to these hurts.

Then you are prepared to interact authentically with people in your life—your family, friends, and coworkers, even complete strangers. Freed of wearing a mask, you can focus on pursuing your passions. That leads you to self‐actualization, enabling you to fulfill your greatest dreams.

Practice Mindfulness

As the pace of technological change accelerates, leaders face greater pressures and more distractions from an unending barrage of phone calls, calendar appointments, text messages, and emails. Too often, our culture equates busyness with success—glorifying modern execs as on‐the‐go, tech‐enabled, multitasking operators who do everything at warp speed.

In today's frenetic world where we are electronically connected 24/7, we need to have daily practices that enable us to pause and focus on ourselves. You should take at least 20 minutes every day to pause and reflect on your day and your leadership. Mindfulness is an especially valuable way to do this because it increases your tranquility, wisdom, and ability to focus on what is important.

As a mindful leader, you can ask how you can reshape the way you work rather than letting it control you. Mindfulness focuses your attention on your thoughts, emotions, and feelings in the present moment. In so doing, you can take stock of your actions and pressures, and go deeper inside yourself. Meditation is the introspective practice leaders find most effective in focusing their attention and calming themselves. In recent years it has come of age as a mainstream practice.

If you have ever tried to pause for a few minutes and clear your thoughts, you realize how hard it is to separate yourself from the constant whirlwind of activity in your mind. The conscious mind is conditioned to think constantly. You try to focus on your breathing, but you think about the upcoming presentation at work, the conflict with your spouse, or how to get your kids to their soccer games. Meditation is simply acknowledging your thoughts and letting them go.

For 45 years, mindfulness expert Jon Kabat‐Zinn has created secular programs in mindfulness‐based stress reduction. Jon observes,

Mindfulness is about our whole beings. When we are all mind, things get rigid. When we are all heart, things get chaotic. Both lead to stress. When the mind and heart work together—the heart leading through empathy, the mind guiding us with focus and attention—we become harmonious human beings.

Neuroscience research shows that a regular mindfulness practice helps rewire the brain, making us calmer, more compassionate, more focused, and less reactive. Leading companies, such as General Mills, Aetna, BlackRock, and Goldman Sachs, are encouraging employees to establish meditation practices. At Google, Chade‐Meng Tan created Search Inside Yourself, a program that teaches 2,000 Googlers per year to meditate. He says, “My breakthrough came when I discovered meditation.”

This was a moment of insight where everything in my life made sense. Through meditation I learned the ability to calm my mind and stay in a state of clarity and calmness. Kindness and compassion are key to my practice. You cannot be genuinely compassionate toward others if you have no compassion for yourself.

Seventh Generation's John Replogle says meditation is key to his leadership: “It grows from a personal practice, but it's key to well‐being. If we want people to achieve their fullest potential and be happy and successful at work, we need to create an environment where people can thrive.” John personally meditates or does yoga every day. There are other introspective practices that leaders find effective: centering prayer, time in nature, or deep discussions with a loved one. The important thing is having a practice you do daily.

Seek Honest Feedback

Another important skill that leaders need to develop self‐awareness is the ability to see themselves as others see them. The Johari window is a framework that leaders use to be fully open, transparent, and authentic with others (Figure 4.3).

For many of us, the upper left quadrant (known to ourselves and others) is far too small. Opening up this quadrant enables us to become more authentic by sharing our hidden areas with other people, describing our life story and difficult times, and exposing our weaknesses. When we do, we are validated by others—not rejected as many fear—which enables us to be ourselves.

Our blind spots in the upper right quadrant (known to others but unknown to us) is the most difficult area to address. All of us have traits, habits, and tendencies that others see in us, but we are unable to see in ourselves. The only way to open our blind spots is to get honest feedback from others and take it to heart. Honest feedback is often hard to get, because many people tell leaders what they want to hear. For this reason, leaders should solicit feedback from their peers and subordinates through one‐on‐one meetings or 360‐degree surveys. Taking psychological inventories can be helpful too, such as Myers‐Briggs, StrengthsFinder, and Enneagram.

Former Kroger CEO Dave Dillon discovered the value of feedback during college after he lost an important election. His first reaction was to get defensive and think, “I'm better than that guy. Why didn't they choose me?” Following introspection, he realized, “My point of view wasn't relevant. The important one was what others thought.” Through feedback, he learned he had traits that needed improvement. As a result, he went on to become president of the student body at the University of Kansas and of his fraternity—the first steps in a life of successful leadership. Dave says, “Feedback helps you take the blinders off, face reality, and see yourself as you really are.”

In Chapter 7, we describe the importance of having a support team—spouses, friends, mentors, and small groups—who will give you honest feedback.

Emerging Leader: Davis Smith

“From the time I can remember, I was different,” says Davis Smith, the 42‐year‐old CEO of fast‐growing adventure gear company Cotopaxi. Davis lived in the Dominican Republic from age 4 and, as a Mormon, had a different religion from everyone else. When his family moved back to the United States, he says he was very aware of those who were different—because he had been that person.

Growing up around extreme poverty while immersed in a different culture, Davis became more attuned to others. “One of the things I learned was that I am not better or smarter or more ambitious; my life is different simply because of where I was born,” he says. “Those experiences shaped my worldview.”

Davis gained greater self‐awareness as a Mormon missionary. During this time, he says, “Your entire life is focused on other people.”

Listening to others and talking about your connection with God, you must be self‐aware. That experience plays a huge role in my life. When I'm focused on others, I feel the most fulfillment.

Cotopaxi has grown nearly 100 percent annually since inception as top private equity firms have lobbed in rich offers to invest. But in our interview, Davis wasn't interested in talking about the business's financials; he wanted to talk only about its culture.

Two times a year Cotopaxi employees gather for weeklong summer camp experiences. Davis offers employees 10 percent time to volunteer or be in nature as part of their work hours. The company holds weekly nature zooms, where people walk through forests and share what they're seeing. Employees volunteer together, eat meals together, and strive for balance. Davis himself leaves the office at reasonable hours and spends significant time parenting his four children and volunteering as a lay leader in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter‐day Saints.

While Davis has significant demands on his time, he prioritizes daily prayer and reflection, which he likens to meditation. “I'm constantly reflecting on how I can improve and identifying areas where I need help and guidance.” Davis is extremely open about failures in his earlier business ventures, shortcomings at Cotopaxi, and his weaknesses as a leader. “We all know the successes, but when we hear about heartbreaks and challenges from people we admire, it gives us hope.”

Through these experiences and practices, Davis cultivates a deeper level of self‐awareness and radiates authenticity. He has built trusted partnerships with his team members who are highly engaged in Cotopaxi's mission. He is excited about his company and the ways it is uplifting communities through ethical sustainability while giving a minimum of 1 percent of revenues for grants to humanitarian organizations. “Our purpose here on earth is to discover our talents and use them to help others,” he says. “My goal isn't to sell outdoor gear; it's to fight poverty. We exist to do good. We sell the best outdoor gear to fund our impact work, not the other way around.”

Bill's Take: Feeling Good in My Skin

For many years, I felt I had to do things perfectly and have all the answers. I lacked confidence to share my weaknesses, fears, and vulnerabilities. Early in my career I worked under a CEO who tried to bully me, triggering my tendency to overreact. I found it more difficult to regulate my emotions and control my fears. To protect myself psychologically, I put on armor.

At Penny's insistence, I attended a 2‐day program on transcendental meditation in 1975. At the time I was going nonstop from dawn until dusk, having late dinners and coming home exhausted. It took meditation and honest, critical feedback for me to change. Since then, I have mediated daily, and my life has improved significantly because I feel comfortable in my skin.

Years ago, I learned an important lesson from Buddhist monk Thích Nht Hnh, who told me, “The longest journey you will ever take is the 18 inches from your head to your heart.” Our hearts are where such essential leadership qualities as compassion and courage reside. Meditation is the best thing to calm myself and disconnect from the 24/7, connected world. Through meditation, I have gained clarity about important issues and developed an inner sense of well‐being. Meditation has enabled me to build resilience to deal with difficult times.

The Oracle of Delphi says, “Know thyself,” but few of us really do. Developing self‐awareness takes reflection and feedback. That means getting rid of the electronics to clear your head and having open, unhurried dialogue with those who know and trust you. Penny's insights and my True North group have been sources of truth during big inflection points in my life. Self‐awareness is the key to everything because all positive changes begin with an honest appraisal of who we are, where we are, and why we are here.

Idea in Brief: Develop Self‐Awareness

Recap of the Main Idea

• Self‐awareness is the most essential determinant of your effectiveness as a leader.
• Developing greater self‐awareness begins with real reflection on your life journey, including what your crucibles reveal.
• Leaders build self‐awareness through both feedback and introspection on a regular basis.
• Introspection increases your own attunement to the relationship between the stimuli you face and your response, enabling you to choose your behavior in the moment between them.
• When compassion is combined with self‐awareness, we begin to see self‐acceptance, which will move you closer to the full realization of your talent and potential (i.e., self‐actualization).

Questions to Ask

1. How comfortable are you with who you are right now?
2. What are your vulnerabilities and shadow sides?
3. Who are your truth tellers?
4. How do you handle displeasing situations or critical feedback from others?
5. Whom do you speak to about complex or sensitive issues?
6. How skillful are you in building lasting relationships?

Practical Suggestions for Your Development

• Ask for informal feedback from someone at least once a day; this could be as simple as a 1–5 rating after each meeting.
• Find a centering practice such as meditating for at least 20 minutes each day.
• Promote vulnerability by making a regular effort to disclose a weakness or development area to a colleague.
• Receive a confidential 360‐degree assessment from those around you at least once a year.