Assumptions are the termites of relationships.

—HENRY WINKLER

People who work for leaders and managers who are open in their conversations about objectives, priorities, concerns, criteria, and time constraints are more likely to operate in alignment with each other. The absence of clarity about those factors leaves people guessing—and running an organization on guesswork is risky. Furthermore, leaders and managers are human, and they have good days and bad days. But their attitudes and moods—good or bad—are a tsunami that engulfs their domain. A buoyant, optimistic mood tends to improve performance; a surly, pessimistic outlook often has the opposite effect.

For example, one CEO was known for exceptionally broad mood swings. Three executives took turns calling him as he drove to work each morning and asked random questions. What they were really doing was ascertaining his mood. When news of a good mood spread, people would line up outside his door to discuss issues and make requests. When they learned about a bad mood, they would literally hide. With coaching, the CEO learned to leave his moods at home. This bolstered his relationships at work and led to more consistent performance throughout the organization.

You Are Always under a Microscope

As a successful executive, you know how to prepare for and perform at high-visibility events like presentations and when chairing meetings. You are primed at special events to make a good impression. But do you realize that you are always under a microscope? Do you understand the broad impact you have on your people’s effectiveness and satisfaction even in moments when you are not conscious of your actions? Do you know that your people analyze every word you say and everything you do in order to learn how to succeed? Executives often underestimate how closely they are watched. As important as it is to orchestrate big events, it is the little moments—an acknowledging glance, a small compliment, or a few words of encouraging feedback—that determine how your people feel about you, their jobs, and their ability to succeed.

Among the most crucial conversations you will encounter are impromptu incidents that are uncomfortable. You will not know they are coming and usually cannot prepare for them in advance. Those are moments when you must address someone who failed to finish a task on time, missed an important detail, or treated someone else inappropriately. Handling those moments in a way that builds trust and respect—yet sets and enforces standards—will go a long way toward building effective relationships.

“JR, the conversation you had this morning with Jose accusing him of lack of effort didn’t go well. Let’s meet later today to see what we can do to get things back on track.” Recognize that no matter how you handle these situations, the individual is likely to become emotional. Listen for that in his response.

“Boss, I’m sick about the way it turned out, and I’m afraid Jose is really mad. But I couldn’t just let the matter go by without doing something. I’m not sure there is anything we can do to fix the situation.”

React positively to his statement and the emotions behind it. Do not ignore the problem—rather, turn it into a learning experience. Make it clear that the incident does not irreparably damage your relationship or his chance for future success.

“Yes, he might be mad, but the purpose of our meeting will be to come up with a solution that mends the fences. Once you process what happened, we’ll have a conversation to figure out steps to take to resolve the issue.”

Remember: everyone is watching what you do—or do not do—in the uncomfortable moments that set the boundaries of acceptable behavior. Your people will only wade into uncomfortable situations and fix them if you model constructive behaviors in such situations.

It takes years to build a reputation and a relationship, but one thoughtless moment can undo everything. Making a bad decision, rebuking a high potential with an offhand remark, or losing your temper will damage relationships. Yet most of the time, your people will not confront you about such behaviors. Do not assume that your actions will be forgotten or forgiven—they will not. Be aware of what you do, acknowledge when you make a mistake, and make a sincere effort to fix it. Handle every faux pas with the individual in mind. Most relationships can be restored with a sincere apology promptly delivered.

Some people are comfortable when you take a humorous approach to acknowledging and apologizing for an error. Others may be affronted by humor because they feel that it belittles them or the issue. Be conscious of how your people react to what you say. Ask for feedback. Some people want to know the corrective actions you will take; others will be satisfied with an apology. Know and study your people just as they know and study you.

Listening

When we became coaches, we thought we were intuitive and perceptive. We were trained to understand and accept the answers that clients gave. Yet in those early days, we now see, we tried to guess what our clients would say rather than listening to them. Our guesses were wrong most of the time—we understood that we sometimes missed what they were really saying. Those difficult sessions showed us the key to effective conversations: listen to what people say (and do not say), reflect on the information they provide, ask questions, and only then prepare a response.

The internal conversations people have often obstruct their ability to listen. They may mull over an issue for hours or days—in the car, the shower, or other places where they have a moment to think. They solve the problem in their minds without knowing the perspectives of others. But an effective conversation requires at least two people, and they both must offer their ideas and share their feelings. Use the salient parts of your internal reflections to plan a synchronous conversation with others that improves relationships and results. Having real conversations will prevent you from assuming that you know what people are thinking and what they will say. Be transparent and look for connection and alignment.

Transparency

Transparency enables people to feel trusted and connected in an organization. It also allows leaders to be open and honest about their objectives, motives, and capabilities. Being transparent by acknowledging weaknesses will engender trust as long as people do not perceive the weaknesses as a barrier to success. Examples of being transparent about one’s weaknesses include statements such as these:

Few organizations are fully transparent—some information is embargoed. You face two challenges in transparency: (1) the need to pass on vital information in a timely manner and (2) the need to be forthright that some information must be held closely. The critical areas where transparency is essential are

• Organizational objectives and concerns
• Changes in strategy and priorities
• The criteria and timetable for advancement
• Processes and techniques that enable people to perform better

Clearly, information related to confidential personal matters, legal issues covered by nondisclosure agreements, and merger-and-acquisition transactions cannot be shared openly. Keep in mind that the higher you rise in an organization, the more that people will look to you as the source of information and the more constraints you will have on what information you can and cannot share.

Authenticity

From the moment you were born, you began developing emotional intelligence by smiling, crying, and making cute gestures. At first your actions were automatic, but soon you noticed that people reacted to the things you did. You started engaging those reactions purposefully to satisfy your need for food, comfort, and attention. Your need to express desires and emotions to others did not decrease as you grew older. Rather, your actions became more complex as your desires grew and your emotions became more intense. Sociologists say that up to 85 percent of the messages we send to others are nonverbal. As a leader, realize that you are continuously conveying information to your people whether you intend to or not—even when you say nothing, you still are sending messages.

On the positive side, you can connect and align with others through dynamic nonverbal interactions—if they match your words. Trust evapo­rates and problems emerge if there is a gap between what people hear you say and what they see you do. Authentic conversations close the gap by allowing full disclosure and setting clear expectations. When you hold effective conversations, your people will not need to speculate among themselves, make assumptions, or analyze the possibilities on their own.

You could go to extraordinary lengths to present a brand that defines who you are and what you stand for, and broadcast that brand on social media sites. But if the brand substitutes for effective one-on-one conversations, it will not carry you across the finish line. Humans thrive in relationships. They want face-to-face interactions during which they look in your eyes to assess your trustworthiness. People are hardwired to act that way, and they will subconsciously see microexpressions that you are not even aware of.

Therefore, it is essential to design the message they are receiving to ensure that it matches your intentions. When you are authentic, you influence others easily because your words and actions present a unified picture of who you are. Being authentic means that what you think, what you say, and what you do are in alignment. Being who you are means being authentic without hiding anything. Tell your story: how you came to be the way you are and what you may want to change about yourself to become more effective as a leader. When you are authentic, you encourage others to be authentic too—and authentic conversations build authentic relationships.

Having the Right Conversations

Leaders hold the right conversations with the right people at the right time to build relationships that create alignment and connection. Conversations conducted in the first perspective tell people what you want them to know and are used by virtually all executives. However, in the extreme, that practice hamstrings an otherwise effective organization. Conversations in perspectives two and three can bring people together—lack of such conversations can drive them away.

For example, Raul, a senior executive in a county government, was proud of his open-door policy. But when we asked how many people had actually walked through his door last week to have a conversation, he hesitated and said, “Last week  . . .  no one. I wonder why?” Interviews with his key people revealed the reason. They all managed multiple projects. When they came to his office seeking advice on a project, he always provided insightful suggestions. But when they tried to leave, he would ask probing questions about their other projects, which they were not prepared to discuss. So no matter how useful his insights were, the risk of being caught without up-to-the-minute status on every project outweighed the value of receiving assistance on the priority project. Armed with this insight, Raul promised his project managers that he would stop asking about other projects when they came to him for assistance. With clear boundaries set, the free flow of information resumed.