We genuinely appreciate your time and dedication to reading our offering on how you can make your own tough stuff that bit easier. There's no doubt in our minds that if you put into practice the concepts we've explored, you'll achieve better results in your tough conversations.

We know that avoiding the tough conversations doesn't make the situation go away, and often avoidance can actually mean that the situation becomes blown out of proportion. One of the reasons why people avoid dealing with the tough stuff is a concern about upsetting another person, or being upset by their reaction. Unfortunately, this approach doesn't allow either person the opportunity for greater connection and understanding.

Being an effective leader requires you to step up, address what's unsaid and look for strategies for moving forward. In your process of moving forward, don't forget the really important stuff though — it isn't results, and it isn't outcomes. It's the person right in front of you.

Mum was right … again

Remember when the most powerful reinforcer that drove your life was a few carefully chosen words of wisdom from mum? You're special. You're unique. You're the best little girl/boy in the whole world. Those few words made you feel great, didn't they?

Well it seems that mum's words of wisdom were exactly that: words of a futurist, prophet and professor all rolled into one. In today's world of unlimited choice, success is found in establishing a niche or standing out from the crowd. In dealing with the tough stuff at work, we can actually make the choice to celebrate these things. The differences between the people you lead or manage should be seen as a gift, not as a bugbear. It's in those differences that outstanding and extraordinary success lies.

But all too often we reject the outstanding and extraordinary in favour of conformity and mediocrity. We tend to encourage work that's similar to what other people, teams, departments, businesses and even our competitors are doing. This mentality can also drive our leadership efforts — for example, managing in a way that treats everyone the same when each person is beautifully and extraordinarily unique. In doing this we move towards walking, talking, thinking and acting the same. It's safer, but it also gives pretty average results.

The push to conformity in organisations is not exclusive to individuals: it also applies to teams. But in a big organisation, the successful teams aren't the same–same teams — they're unique and they're celebrated for their individuality.

Think about it. You've never heard someone say, ‘The HR team at ABC organisation has a great reputation: it's exactly the same as everyone else'. What we actually hear is, ‘They are outstanding. They do things so differently over there'.

The most influential writers and bloggers in the world at this moment see what Mum saw all those years ago: uniqueness is actually a currency, and a very valuable one at present. Specialists are needed now more than ever before.

In dealing with the tough stuff at work, it's important to recognise and celebrate the points of uniqueness, and embrace the fact that each person in front of you is not an employee who needs to be treated in the same way, but rather, a magnificently unique individual who needs unique and individual engagement.

What sort of boss or colleague are you?

Happiness seems to be a much sought-after commodity in this day and age. More and more organisations are realising that individuals are seeking far more than just a pay packet. They want to be inspired, to be part of something worthwhile, and most importantly they are seeking to be treated like human beings.

Adventurer and speaker Dan Buettner's book Thrive explores the components that contribute to long-term happiness in pockets of communities around the world. Buettner has discovered that there are individuals and workplaces that have uncovered the secrets of combining work and happiness, ensuring they're not only surviving, but thriving into the future.

Buettner mentions a Gallup-Healthways poll which showed that having the right boss is the single biggest determinant of workplace satisfaction. So what sort of boss are you? How are you contributing to your organisation surviving or thriving?

What struck us most about Buettner's list of qualities of a thriving boss was that none of the qualities spoke about the boss who had the best roster, or the best strategic plan for the team, or always kept within budget. Every single quality of a thriving boss involved having strong human skills, such as being approachable, providing regular feedback, establishing clear requirements, practising good listening and earning trust. We believe this same list of qualities works for connecting with colleagues and for generating long-term relationships with clients. If you aim to be approachable, to listen genuinely and to build trust, then your clients will keep coming back. And any businesses whose clients love what they do are thriving.

So as you step forward into your work today — whether it's managing others, working with colleagues or connecting with clients — seek to focus on the following things:

• Make someone's day better. Acknowledge the initiative, the foresight, the hard work and the joy of others. There's nothing more reinforcing than praise and acknowledgement.
• Be approachable (no, really). Remove yourself from your phone, your computer and any distractions, and be available to discuss challenges and problems with the person in front of you.
• Get out of the way. Once you've set clear expectations, get out of the way and let others do their job. If you're working directly with clients, this means getting your own agenda out of the way and listening to what's going on for them.

Practise what you preach

Modelling the behaviours you want to see in others is an important step to being able to deal with tough situations. Teams reflect their leadership and this is never more evident than in dealing with tough situations at work. Have the courage to make the changes in yourself that you want to see in others. If you want individuals in your team to step up to the plate and use their initiative, make sure you're doing this in your own role.

Often what you do has a greater influence on others than what you say. Matching your actions to your words gives others the permission to do the same. Avoid sending mixed messages — for example, holding others accountable for getting reports done on time, and then consistently sending out information late yourself. Make sure your behaviours and your words are congruent.

When it comes to addressing tough stuff, hold a mirror up to your own behaviours and make sure you're demonstrating the changes you want to see in others.

Dealing with the tough stuff can provide the fertile ground for deeper connections, innovative strategies and greater commitment to a cause. And we believe these are all worth pursuing to establish better relationship economies.

In rapidly changing times there's one other economy we need to explore that's critical not only in strengthening our relationships, but also in dealing with the tough stuff.

The confidence economy

For years now the world has known that change is the only constant that we can rely on in the workplace. We've all been through downsizing, upsizing, restructuring, decentralising, multiskilling, specialising and amalgamating. But the change currently taking place in the business world is monumental. The level of uncertainty in the financial, business and housing markets is high, and uncertainty is infiltrating many of our conversations.

So how do we navigate this new landscape of constant uncertainty and rapid change? The reality is that people buy confidence in uncertain times. In an uncertain marketplace, confidence is the currency people trade in. So now is the time to not only get good at what you do, but also to get great at it and ooze confidence. Then match every part of what you do to this newfound level of confidence.

Invest time and energy into selling confidence not only through your message and your expertise, but also through the quality of your processes, products and materials. Make sure you interact with and engage customers with confidence and care. In connecting with your team and work colleagues, ensure your message is not, ‘We will get through this', but rather, ‘We will excel through this'. Everything about your business, about your presentation and about how you interact and engage with customers and employees needs to ooze confidence in these turbulent times. Positive reinforcement is the key to having this confidence extend past your own actions and to the actions of others.

Engaging in positive reinforcement with others is brain changing. The simple act of saying ‘thank you' and encouraging the specific behaviours that you want from others at work will strengthen the neural pathways in their brain. The neural pathways are intricate webs of connections that are constantly evolving, growing, weaving, connecting and disconnecting with other pathways, forming something like a matted web of tree roots. In his book Quiet Leadership, organisational coach David Rock suggests that hearing the encouraging sounds of positive reinforcement helps our brains to know which connections to preserve and strengthen and which to prune. Which pathways grow and become stronger in our brain and which ones fade away depends on the amount and type of attention that is given to that link. He goes on to say, ‘Neurons literally need positive feedback in some form to create long-term connections. If we want to help people improve their performance at work, we need to become much more proficient at giving positive feedback'.

You may have heard the saying, ‘We are what we repeatedly do'. This could be adapted to, ‘We are what we are repeatedly reinforced and encouraged to do'. What is unique to each individual is that what reinforces one person may be quite different from what reinforces someone else. Getting to know the individuals at work and their main reinforcers will help you target your interactions with them for maximum effect.

Dealing with the chuff stuff

It's easy to focus only on the tough stuff when managing people at work, but sometimes we forget the chuff stuff! The problem in giving attention only to the negative behaviours is that you risk creating a moderated, average work team.

To have someone achieve excellence they need to hear feedback about what they are doing well: they need to be reinforced. Here's the coolest thing: when you reward someone by expressing gratitude, you effectively reward yourself in the process.

If you do find your ratio of tough stuff to chuff stuff is heavily skewed in favour of the tough stuff, then set yourself the task of finding a reward or reinforcer for a staff member every day for a week, or twice a week for a month. Remember to vary the timing and size of the reinforcers for best effect (don't let them become predictable), and in turn see the change in people's productivity as a result.

One of our earliest messages in this book was a prescribed, even required, focus on the goodness of people — the notion that all people are awesome. Although we've put an array of tools in front of you throughout the book, don't ever lose sight of the fact that we are wonderful beings, each one of us. There is perfection in our imperfections.

Enjoy the results of your new approach.