Have you noticed that the world is changing? And it's changing quickly! Never before have we had to be more adaptable, flexible and fast moving to keep up with change than we do right now. Your organisation has almost certainly faced some degree of change in the past six months. It may even be in a constant state of change. Fear not, though: this is now the norm, not the exception.

The notion of a five-year strategic plan has disappeared in this rapidly changing world, and most organisations have realised such a process is guessing, at best — because even with the best resources it's impossible to predict what is required in a fast-changing future. Right now we can't say what the business world might be like in 12 months' time, let alone in five years. Flexible and forward-thinking organisations that not only deal with but also embrace constant change will rise to the top.

But doing that is not as simple as it sounds.

Human beings have an innate resistance to change. Our physiological systems are actually wired to keep us in a state of status quo known as homeostasis. The body constantly regulates its systems to maintain them within certain levels, like our body temperature, our weight, blood glucose levels, metabolism and hormone balances. Genetically, we're programmed to resist major changes to these internal systems and work hard to maintain equilibrium.

The other innate barrier to change is our internal drive to defend — in this case, defending what we know and the way things are. Uncertainty is one of the biggest threats possible to the survival instincts in the brain because the brain just doesn't know what to do in the space of the unknown. Human beings will go to great lengths to resist change and maintain the status quo, even if we're not entirely happy with the current situation, purely because we know what to expect if we don't change. The unknown is scary.

As a manager and leader in this rapidly changing world, and rapidly changing work environment, it's likely you have already faced resistance, defensiveness and stubborn behaviour at work. This chapter provides practical tips on how to achieve results from the key conversations needed to move people beyond resistant, defensive and stubborn behaviour and step forward into growth. The cornerstone of this approach is using effective assertiveness, but first let's explore the huff stuff in some detail.

Resistant behaviour

One of the keys to influencing change in others is being able to work with their resistance to it.

Resistant behaviour comes in many shapes and forms. It may be someone generally dragging their heels — showing a lack of action or motivation to do what needs to be done. Often resistant behaviour is expressed during periods of change, such as change of work flow or work roles, change in team dynamics, and even change experienced as a result of the big three — restructures, redundancies and dismissals (which are discussed in chapter 9).

Resistance can also crop up in people's language: ‘Yes, that sounds good, but …', or ‘I'm just playing devil's advocate here …'. Statements such as these can be indicators that someone is not really onboard and is either seeking more information or seeking to railroad the process.

When we're faced with resistant behaviour it's often our natural tendency to defend the change; that is, to try to convince someone of all the reasons they shouldn't feel the way they do.

While your argument or decision may be valid, all this conversation does is strengthen the other person's resistance because they haven't felt heard or understood. Have you ever experienced this — trying to convince someone to see your point of view only to have them dig in their heels even further?

Rather than defend your position straight away, rolling with resistance and uncovering what underlies it can help to overcome resistant behaviour at work.

Reasons for resistance

There can be a whole range of reasons why someone is resistant, over and above our innate tendency to resist change. It may be that similar strategies have been attempted in the past and were unsuccessful, which has led to scepticism. It may be that change is threatening to their job role.

Resistance commonly arises when there's a change, or even a perceived change, to people's work. Most people are instinctively concerned about any strategy that could see their role changing, their workload increasing, their job or part of it being given to someone else or even being given more responsibility than they have now, like Billie's resistance in the case study.

Many individuals have a strong work identity: who they are as a person is closely linked to what they do for a job. You've been there when meeting someone new: ‘So, what do you do?' is generally the first question after an introduction. The work we do is inherently connected with how others see us and how we see ourselves. So, if there's a change to someone's job title, workload or responsibilities, resistance is highly likely.

Resistance may also come from a lack of job security, or the perception of it. Nothing sparks up our drive to defend more than the notion that our job and financial situation are not as secure as we thought they were.

More than six decades ago, psychologist and founder of the Journal of Humanistic Psychology Abraham Maslow contended there are levels of human needs that form a pecking order, requiring us to satisfy one need before moving on to the next (see figure 7.1, overleaf).

If we consider Maslow's hierarchy of needs, our ability to provide and supply food and shelter for ourselves and our family is our number-one need. If something at work looks like it may threaten this need, human nature dictates our resistance to it. The ability for us to view things rationally or think of things beyond our circumstance is nigh on impossible.

Moving up the hierarchy, human beings also have an innate drive to bond and feel a sense of belonging to a group. This can be attained in the workplace through friendships and being a valued member of the team. If changes at work look like they could change the group dynamics, affect key relationships, or limit or inhibit the ability to bond with others, it's natural that individuals will resist this.

Maslow's next level covers esteem, achievement and the need to feel a sense of competency and mastery over a task or project. For some people, these aspects of the job are highly important. If this need is threatened, individuals will respond with resistance.

Understanding that there can be a variety of reasons for resistant behaviour allows you as a manager and leader to grasp the wider context behind the behaviours you see in the workplace. Such understanding isn't about making these behaviours acceptable, but if you understand them, you will be better placed to do something about them.

Dealing with resistance

The first strategy in dealing with resistant behaviour is to roll with the resistance. Rolling with the resistance means not matching it by reciting every reason for why someone showing resistance shouldn't feel the way they do — your recitation just becomes a sales pitch to someone who is not ready to buy. The risk of pushing too much at this point is that the resister will dig their heels in even more — especially if they believe their standpoint is well founded. Managing resistance is difficult to do well because it can mean giving up your right to be right, even when you are right, in order to create outcomes that work better, and to prioritise functionality over ego. If we reflect on Shannon and Billie in the case study, Shannon's decision was well founded and well intentioned, but it wasn't until she gave up the need to defend her position as being the right one that she could have a conversation about what may be getting in the way for Billie. By letting go of her ego she could have a conversation about what the real issue and barrier was. From there it was easier to address the problem and move forward.

The goal is to move someone from being resistant to being receptive to change. In order to do this, people need the opportunity to vent and to have their point of view heard and acknowledged. It's important to realise that you can understand someone's point of view and not agree with it at the same time. This is a particularly powerful skill for a manager to develop. Later in this chapter we will explore the power of empathy, which is the cornerstone for ensuring the other party feels heard.

Amplify ambivalence

One of the traps of resistant behaviour is the person sitting on the fence. This person has yet to make a clear decision and is stuck as to the direction they will take. This is an unnerving place to be for too long. An effective manager has the ability to influence and support others to get off the fence and make a decision. Managers can do this by highlighting or amplifying the ambivalence and doubt that the indecisive person is experiencing. An effective way to do this is by highlighting a disconnect between what someone says and their actions. For example, ‘So, I hear you want to work with this team, but I also get the sense there's something holding you back from diving in, boots and all. What's going on?'

Or ‘You've expressed your desire to get this project up and running for a while now, but to date nothing's happened. Is there anything getting in the way?'

These are key conversations that managers must have with staff battling uncertainty. They will highlight the ambivalence and help sort through what's getting in the way to move the person towards actually making a decision.

Dance, don't drag

Dealing with resistance can be like dancing the waltz with a shy partner. Part of the art of dancing is leading, but when there's resistance, it's far more effective (and graceful) to move with your partner when they back off, rather than dragging them along. When the resistance subsides, you can lead again.

Be confident and assured when you lead at work, but remember that heavy-handedness will result in two things:

• Creating an unwilling partner.
• Doing all the hard work yourself.

No dance is fun in that environment.

Defensive behaviour

We have already mentioned that a key driver in human behaviour is the drive to defend. Animals get defensive the moment they feel they have no options or that their options are being severely limited. At work it's the metaphorical equivalent to being backed into a corner and there being no way out. Human beings operate much the same way as any other animal — we just don't snarl and bare our teeth (usually).

Often what sits at the very core of defensive behaviour is fear: it may be fear of the unknown, fear of an uncertain future or fear of having no options.

Be aware that there may be some strong external factors contributing to someone feeling defensive at work. The person may be the family's breadwinner, and be relying on the job to feed mouths and clothe backs.

If defensiveness is protection against threat or attack, we need to reduce the fear component that accompanies a threat or attack — whether it is real or perceived — in order to deal with defensiveness effectively.

Turn fear into confidence

According to Marcus Buckingham, The New York Times best-selling author of One Thing You Need to Know, one of the three principles of leadership is the ability to turn fear into confidence. Resistance and defensive, stubborn behaviour are often borne from a sense of fear and trepidation.

Nothing is more contagious than the confidence of others, especially the confidence of our leaders. For confidence to be respected it needs to be genuine and trustworthy — more than just an optimistic Pollyanna viewpoint. Leaders who speak and act with confidence, particularly in the face of change and uncertainty, command great influence and loyalty. So how do we turn fear into confidence? Try the following three tips.

Clear the road

One of the ways to turn fear into confidence is to talk about a joint vision of the future that is clear and compelling. Too often, as leaders, we have a pathway mapped out but fail to explain it to others. Fear is an easily generated emotion when coupled with uncertainty. To help others to get more certainty and to focus on the same picture you are seeing, you need to provide more detailed context. Engage them in a discussion on the why, what and how of your big picture. And then go a step further. To put a rocket on confidence around vision, go beyond the audible forms of communication, and move into visual communication. Map out a process flowchart or draw a model. It helps people anchor where they are and where they need to be.

Start with gratitude

Gratitude has often been described as the healthiest of all emotions. It makes sense that if you want to maintain a healthy, trustful relationship you use the power of gratitude. Instead of simply expecting someone to be physically present for a role or task, try thanking them for being onboard, for their skills or even for their cautiousness in moving forward. Gratitude communicates your confidence in others. It's a sure-fire way to make people feel more confident in themselves!

Reinforce the good stuff

If someone feels like they are standing on the end of the 10-metre diving platform, and you push them over the proverbial edge with embarrassing or critical tactics, they are not going to be too quick to put themselves in the same position again. They will resist tooth and nail.

Sometimes taking on a new task at work can feel like standing on the end of that platform. Filling people up with encouragement and praise so they choose to make the leap themselves (rather than shoving them off in a defensive state of anxiety) will go a long way to building confidence in the long run. Look for quick wins and reward them accordingly.

Stubborn behaviour

Certain personality traits are desirable for certain jobs. Someone pedantic with an acute attention to detail, who's a perfectionist in everything they do, is the kind of person you want doing your tax return, flying your plane or performing surgery on a loved one. But this type of personality trait may be dysfunctional for someone in a work environment that is filled with constant change, innovation, creativity or problem solving. Getting bogged down in the detail will see them fall behind the pack.

As far as personality traits go, stubbornness can be highly regarded in some settings, but in others it can be detrimental to teamwork.

When looking at stubborn behaviour, it is worth considering that stubbornness is negatively correlated with expressiveness. In other words, when people are acting stubbornly, they may not know how to express what they feel through language, so they refuse to budge. Because their ability to put their thoughts into words is underdeveloped (in a particular situation) they will shut down and communicate less.

So when confronted by stubborn behaviour, consider the following points.

It's not all about you

Don't take stubbornness personally — it isn't about you. It's as simple as that. Sometimes when faced with stubborn behaviour we can start our own internal dialogue, much of which can be egocentric. The problem is that, by personalising stubbornness you add another layer to a situation that doesn't need it. Stubbornness is a trait and it probably developed long before you ever walked into their lives. Repeat again, ‘It's not about me'.

Assess alignment

Check to see whether you are both on the same page. Stubbornness is often related to dialogue (both internal and external), so check that you are both clear on the topic or strategy. Possibly, you have been using two-point communication (as we discussed in chapter 4), which uses speech as the primary communication medium. The problem with this is that as little as 20 per cent of people process their learning through auditory channels. Our suggestion? Use a visual medium (three-point communication) that you both look at in order to process the information. A whiteboard is our favourite, but a piece of paper works nearly as well. Often stubbornness can be overcome simply by clearing up the main points you want to achieve or by better understanding the other person's point of view.

In the case study, Shannon and Billie's heated discussion during the team meeting was conducted with two-point communication, leaving both parties feeling like they needed to defend their personal points of view. The discussion between Shannon and Billie after the meeting would have been very effective using three-point communication, writing out the key issues on a piece of paper and having both Shannon and Billie refer to this object. It is much easier to get on the same page using this process (pun intended!).

Watch yourself

When faced with stubbornness, getting upset or angry will not make the situation any better — it will only make it worse. So beware of your own physical and emotional responses in the face of someone else's stubborn behaviour, and ensure you remain calm, polite and friendly. Don't underestimate the power of modelling the behaviours you want to see in others.

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Having explored defensive, resistant and stubborn behaviour, we will now look at the overarching method for dealing with any huff stuff. Assertiveness is the critical process to employ for achieving success in this area.

Assertiveness and empathy

Assertiveness is about putting your needs and opinions forward, but it is not about doing this at any cost — that strategy is more like communication by intimidation.

Assertive communication involves seeking a win–win for both parties, taking into account the needs of others. It's as important for one person to put their thoughts, ideas and needs forward as it is to consider the other person's point of view.

Traditional assertiveness approaches have focused too much on the concept of ownership, particularly in our language. Using ‘I', ‘me' or ‘my' statements to own the process, while well intentioned, can also succeed in turning a mild-mannered person into a mini-dictator.

While we promote the importance of presenting your own needs, you also need to consider the vitally important role of empathy in being assertive. Empathy is the counterpoint to presenting your own needs, and the use of both these elements provides the formula for true assertiveness.

Therefore, our definition of assertiveness is:

In the words of Stephen Covey, the author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, ‘Seek first to understand and then to be understood'.

Empathy: seek first to understand

Have you ever felt completely understood by someone else, believing that they totally ‘got' what you were feeling and thinking?

That's empathy: a capacity to recognise or understand another's state of mind or emotion. It's often described as the ability to put yourself in another person's shoes.

Complete understanding of another person's point of view is impossible. But if you're empathic, you can get a clearer understanding of what's going on for the other person.

The confusion between sympathy and empathy

Too often sympathy is confused with empathy. There is little confusion of either of these terms with apathy, which is a lack of interest or concern. Both sympathy and empathy are states of concern, but the origins of that concern distinguish them from each other.

Sympathy is the feeling of compassion for someone else: the wish to see them better off or happier. It is often described as ‘feeling sorry for' someone. It's worth considering that underneath sympathy is often a sense of ‘I'm glad it's not me,' or ‘I've been there before', which are both person-centric statements. Make no mistake, sympathy is a wonderful human quality, but in essence, sympathy is actually about you rather than the other person.

Empathy involves a deeper level of understanding that requires sharing another person's emotional state, if only briefly. It's the sense of seeing things as though you're in their shoes. Being empathic means being able to emotionally read other people and then communicate this level of understanding effectively.

Is empathy just giving in? Is being empathic being soft? If I am empathic, won't people just walk over me?

If any of these questions resonate with you, you should reassess your view of the word.

Empathy is not about being mushy or touchy-feely. It's about connecting with and understanding another person's point of view. Empathy isn't a soft skill: it's one of the hardest skills. Consider the following points to help restructure the importance you place on having empathy in your workplace:

• Empathic people are superb at recognising and meeting the needs of others, be they customers, workmates, staff or bosses. (This is the essence of exceptional customer service.)
• Leaders need to understand a talented person's needs, aspirations and motivation in order to keep them. (Business success is based on retaining talent.)
• In a cross-cultural environment, there are always misunderstandings or communication difficulties. These can primarily be overcome by using empathy and, in particular, recognition of body-language cues. (In a global world your ability to work cross-culturally is an essential skill.)

The difference between apathy, sympathy and empathy is summed up in these three statements:

• Apathy is ‘I don't care how you feel'.
• Sympathy is ‘You poor thing'.
• Empathy is ‘Looks like you're feeling really down today'.

The style of empathy

The overall style of empathy involves being:

• authentic. People have a strong innate ability to pick up false interest a mile away. If you're not authentic when you engage with others, they will know. Be genuinely interested in the other person. This also requires you to be open and transparent about why you're interested in their point of view.
• inquisitive. It's easier to reach a deeper level of empathy with someone if you know more about their situation.
• overt. We can have a lot of empathic stuff going on in our heads when we listen to someone, but we sometimes forget to say out loud what we see, feel and hear about their current state. If you don't put the empathy out there overtly, and express it explicitly, the other person won't experience your empathy, and the positive impact will be lost.

Empathy in our language

Now that we've made the case for empathy, let's look at how to use its power in your language. Unfortunately, even when we do remember to voice empathy, a disconnect can occur between our perception and our language. In other words, we can sense another's reactions and emotions well, but do a poor job of communicating it.

Much of this disconnect can be attributed to Western society's cultural fixation on person-centric success: in most Western cultures we tend to focus on individual success first and on society second.

It is driven throughout our education systems, our sports and leisure activities and even our language. Some Indigenous Australian and Asian cultures are the reverse: they are society-centric and their members have little to no problem being empathic.

If we were to survey a group of people raised in Western cultures and ask them to give us an empathic statement, overwhelmingly the responses would be prefixed by either one of the following phrases: ‘I can see', or ‘I can understand'.

Have you noticed the disconnect? Even in our attempts to be empathic, our very first response is to talk about ourselves — ‘I can understand'! Clinical academic Professor Tim Usherwood discusses the difference between primary and secondary empathic statements in his work, and following are some examples of the language that is commonly used.

Primary empathic language

Let's look at some language that truly is empathic — what we refer to as primary empathic language.

Some examples of empathic questions are:

• What impact has this had on you?
• How do you feel about what is going on?
• How do you feel about your decision?
• How does this affect you?
• What is your position on what is happening?
• Is there anything else it would be useful for me to know?

Some examples of empathic statements are:

• You look upset …
• It looks like you …
• It sounds like you …
• You look confused.
• You look frustrated.
• You must have been frustrated when you couldn't complete that project because …
• It sounds like this has been a tough time …
• You've been through a lot lately.
• That must have been hard for you to do.
• You don't seem comfortable with that plan.

The common denominator of primary empathic language is the removal of ‘I' and not focusing on yourself in the question. Effectively, this serves to talk about the person or process, not about you.

Secondary empathic language

Secondary empathic statements are used when we have entered ourselves into the conversation. These secondary empathic skills work well after a primary empathic exchange has taken place.

Assessment statements include:

• I can see that it is very hard for you to talk about this.
• I can appreciate that that must have been frustrating for you.

Checking statements include:

• Correct me if I am wrong …
• Have I got this right …?

Using empathic language and having a greater understanding of the concept of empathy will improve your ability to demonstrate or give voice to empathy.

The other half of the assertiveness equation

Your needs are the other half of the assertiveness equation. This is the area that most assertive coaching focuses on: owning your needs.

Sometimes, in an attempt to be assertive, people barely hint at their own needs, not wanting to be pushy or demanding, but as a result struggle to get their point across. Being assertive, however, is not about being nice, nor is it about being nasty. It's about being effective and clear. In other words, it's about setting clear boundaries in order to give yourself the best chance to achieve a win–win situation for both parties.

Assert your needs and wants

Communication breakdowns occur when messages have been misinterpreted or not fully understood by all parties. You need to assert your needs, wants or opinions clearly, and to do that, you must be clear about what your personal needs actually are.

Part of asserting your needs is owning your reactions. It's important to use phrases such as ‘I feel …', ‘I think …' and ‘My take on this is …', rather than talk in general or vague terms. People who struggle to assert their needs will often use phrases such as, ‘The boss needs this by tomorrow', or ‘Legislation says we have to get this done'. By doing this, they effectively divorce themselves from the need, and yet there is rarely anything more compelling than someone standing in front of you telling you they need something. Own the need and see the results.

Clarify the level of intensity

Each tough-stuff conversation has its own level of importance attached to it. We call this the level of intensity. The intensity of the conversation can be driven by a number of factors, such as pressure from deadlines, inertia from one party or impatience from another. Professor of psychology at the University of Washington, Marsha Linehan provides a useful distinction between the level of intensity based on whether you are asking for or refusing something. The key thing to remember is not all conversations require the same level of assertion; you can have greater impact in your conversations by matching the level of intensity to the situation.

For example, Linehan talks about intensity levels if you are asking for something. Low intensity begins with indirectly hinting and then openly hinting; high intensity begins with being firm but still taking ‘no', to firm and not taking ‘no'.

There is a similar hierarchy of intensity for refusing something. Low level intensity moves from where we express hesitation by saying yes to expressing unwillingness. High level intensity moves from firm refusal but still considering doing it up to firm refusal and not giving in.

You will notice that high intensity levels are very direct in their approach. There isn't very much intention of changing our request or refusal. The low intensity levels are much more collaborative and flexible. The difference between high and low intensity levels is quite distinct and provides the cornerstone towards an effective, assertive approach. Before you step into the conversation, get clear on which intensity level is required in the circumstances.

Now that we've explored both components of assertiveness — empathy and your own needs — let's look at how we can use them together, regardless of the situation.

Solving the assertiveness puzzle

What we know is that empathy is a focus on ‘you' (as in the other person). Your own need is a focus on ‘I' (me), and so one area in a conversation that we should not forget is a focus on ‘we'. These three components give us our process — every exchange in a huff-stuff conversation should contain ‘you', ‘I' and ‘we' in some order.

The intensity of the situation determines the order in which the information is conveyed.

Low intensity levels

Let's say there isn't too much heat in the conversation — it certainly hasn't moved beyond negotiation. Perhaps it is a mid-year performance discussion, or negotiating the roles within a project. If this were the case it would be likely you would apply a low intensity level. The structure for this type of conversation should be:

In other words, you should move from the ‘you' focus to the ‘I' focus and finally to a focus on ‘we'.

Here are some examples of statements at this intensity level:

• ‘This project is important to you [empathy], but having my say is very important to me also [own needs]. We need to reach some common ground or we will be going nowhere fast. If we can work together on this I think we will present a quality product [resolution]'.
• ‘You're quite upset by this poor customer feedback review [empathy]. I'm not very happy about this either, as your shift supervisor [own needs], but I think we can work out some better strategies to help us improve in the future [resolution].

High intensity levels

Now let's look at some conversations where the intensity level is much higher. The time for lengthy collaboration or discussion has passed. Perhaps the conversation is with someone who has repeatedly ignored previous requests, or is about an occupational health and safety procedure that has been ignored. In this case a high intensity level might be applied.

The structure for this type of conversation should be:

In other words, you should move from the ‘I' focus to the ‘you' focus and finally to the ‘we' focus.

Here are some examples of statements at this intensity level:

• ‘The way I was spoken to in today's team meeting upset me and made me feel undermined. I don't want that to happen again [own needs]. It sounds like you think my direction in the ABC project is not the same as the way you would handle things [empathy] but we need to present a concerted front to the directors or the funding for our section might be cut [resolution]'.
• ‘It's important to me to have a chance to contribute my ideas to the project [own needs]. The project is obviously also very important to you [empathy]. Unless we are able to integrate some of my ideas we may not present the best product [resolution]'.

While we present this theory in sentences, in your practical application it will be time spent, rather than sentences, that reflects intensity. For example, you have 10 minutes to address a topic with a staff member, so you might spend three minutes focusing on empathy (you), two minutes focusing on your own needs (I) and finish the conversation on resolving the discussion together (we).

Finding balance

Using the assertiveness methodology outlined here will help you achieve the balance needed for a tough-stuff conversation. Regardless of how big the conversation is, you will always be able to use empathy, and regardless of how sensitive a situation is, you will always be able to state your own needs. Choose the level of intensity required and apply the relevant conversation structure.

By ensuring both of these elements are included, along with a ‘we' closing statement or resolution, you will be a long way towards achieving success in the huff stuff.

Conclusion

In 1933, in his inaugural presidential address, with his country going headlong into the greatest economic depression the world has known, Franklin Delano Roosevelt famously stated, ‘The only thing we have to fear is fear itself'. While such a statement may be inspiring, it is also rather challenging, if not impossible, to hear at a time when you're the one trapped by fear. The good news is that defensive, resistant and stubborn behaviour, all borne of fear, can be transformed. With effort, and the right application of some sound behavioural tools, you can shift fear into courage and break through resistance to change.