In the workplace — as in a good poker game — there are players who have mastered the art of the bluff stuff. Their behaviours and the words they use are inconsistent, toxic, manipulative and undermining. Trying to spot when they are bluffing and when they are playing straight can be exhausting.

Emotional manipulation within the workplace is a hot topic. It's such a hot topic that it's the subject of numerous books that cover the issue in far greater depth than we will attempt in one chapter. But be certain that some of the toughest conversations you could face in the workplace may be the result of emotional manipulation at play.

Emotional manipulation in the workplace has left a number of casualties in its wake, and some of the greatest casualties have been staff morale, employee engagement, productivity and customer satisfaction. It's critical, as with all tough situations, to address the bluff stuff. Any situation that results in you or others feeling intimidated or shamed at work is unacceptable.

To help you get your head around the bluff stuff, we will examine the two types of perpetrators of these behaviours, the behaviours they exhibit and your role as a manager in reinforcing versus shutting down these behaviours. We will also provide a deeper understanding of effective strategies for dealing with the different manifestations of emotional manipulation.

Two kinds of bluffers

It's important to first distinguish between different types of bluffers. In any workplace there are two key kinds of emotional manipulators: the ones that do it with malicious intent (snakes in suits), and the ones that don't (damaged survivors). Both kinds are driven to get their own way at almost any cost. They can be toxic in the work environment and are damaging to the people around them. Nonetheless, the differences between the two kinds of manipulators mean they require quite different responses.

Snakes in suits

The first kind of bluffer — a psychopathic personality — is the poster child for intentional, cold-blooded, purpose-driven, emotional manipulation. Renowned expert on psychopathy Dr Robert Hare and organisational psychologist Dr Paul Babiak called their book — in which they describe the psychopaths in the business world — Snakes in Suits. According to Hare and Babiak, psychopaths exhibit a cluster of distinctive personality traits, the most significant of which is an utter lack of conscience. The psychopath has no sense of guilt to convince themselves to put the brakes on a hurtful approach, and no conscience to worry about the collateral damage created by the relentless pursuit of their personal goals. They also have huge egos, short tempers and an appetite for excitement.

Psychopaths appear to be missing some frontal lobe functionality in the brain that processes emotion and creates feelings of guilt and empathy. So, the question the psychopath asks is not, ‘Why would I want to do something that could hurt this person?'. When it suits their purpose, the question is, ‘Why not?'. Psychopaths are often smart: they understand the rules and find ways to subvert them. They tend to focus on what they can get away with, preying on the vulnerable, and will relentlessly take advantage of a person or situation if given the chance. Part of the challenge of trying to deal with a psychopath is that, because they don't feel guilt, they will have no issue with lying their way out of a jam, straight to your face, in circumstances in which you could not imagine a normal person lying.

Have you ever had an interaction with a colleague, boss or direct report in the workplace that left you feeling bad about yourself, and about your role in contributing to a poor outcome, even though you knew you weren't responsible? Maybe you were being held accountable for a report that you were never told you had to submit in the first place. Perhaps you delegated a task to someone and had been assured the job was taken care of, only to discover it has been neglected and now you are the only one to blame. Somehow even you start to feel convinced that you are solely culpable for the unacceptable results, even though there is no way that you could be. Furthermore, the person who should be responsible has convinced everyone else that they are a victim in the whole mess. If so, you may have been dealing with a psychopath.

How to spot a psychopath in your workplace

Spotting a psychopath is not an easy thing to do. It's estimated that there is one in every 100 people, and the ratio can increase as you climb the corporate ladder. We defer to Hare and Babiak's advice on psychopathic behaviours to watch out for at work, and have summarised their insights overleaf.

• They are happy to invite you to their pity party. Psychopaths have no problem frequently asking for your forgiveness — coming up with countless reasons for poor behaviour or performance, only to repeat the same behaviour just after securing your pity.
• They often display emotional incongruence. They don't show emotion when you would expect most people to, such as when someone has genuinely been hurt or injured, or they display an emotion that doesn't fit the situation, such as laughing about someone else's unfortunate circumstances.
• They act as parasites. Psychopaths will excessively delegate to others, and often not put in much effort of their own, taking the credit for others' successes and assigning blame for their own failures.
• They practise crafty deception. They have no problem telling a lie, but are smart enough to seed it with a grain of truth so that they can always defend their position.
• They pour on the charisma when it works for them. You will know psychopaths as people who set out to charm everyone in the office as long as it gets them what they want. They can quickly drop a person from their buddy list any time that person is no longer needed.
• They overtly display arrogance. Psychopaths don't mind talking themselves and their deeds up — quite a bit.
• They deflect responsibility. They will never accept blame and are pretty good at conjuring up evidence to show that it's someone else's fault.
• They frequently take risks. You won't see these guys hang around too long at the dull, repetitive work; they will be the ones stretching the company boundaries, most likely in questionable ways.
• They relentlessly pursue power. Psychopaths appear to have a thirst for climbing the ladder that's more about the status of the position than it is about the opportunity to make positive changes or to do good for the company.

This list is a good start, but we remind you that no single characteristic or behaviour outlined is an indicator that you're dealing with a psychopath. Just because someone you know fits one or two of the behavioural descriptors doesn't mean that they are a psychopath. We suggest it's worth leaving it to the experts to do the full diagnosis. Nonetheless, it can be helpful to count the number of red flags for psychopathy that are evident in a person, and put yourself on alert when you start to see a cluster forming around multiple descriptors from this list. For example, you may have had a direct report look you in the eye and acknowledge that it's their job to follow up with a key client. When you find out the client has been neglected, the direct report nonchalantly claims either that they did indeed follow up with the client (a lie) and somehow the client is unreliable, or that they delegated the responsibility to someone else on the team, who didn't follow through on the request (also a lie). The psychopath won't stop there, however. They will probably come up with some vague, unverifiable evidence, albeit interwoven with a grain of truth, such as recalling a water-cooler conversation with their colleague where they had asked the colleague indirectly for help on the client follow-up. In talking about the circumstances, they demonstrate a flatness of emotion, which would be unexpected given the seriousness of the issue.

Simply, the experience may have felt like you were caught in a web of confusing stories, strange behaviours and disconcerting emotional responses, coming from someone at work who seemed rather unattached about the whole affair, even though it was hugely important to the business.

What to do about the suited snake

For true psychopaths, there's little hope of sustainable behaviour change because their brains are hardwired differently from yours. Hare and Babiak tell us that psychopaths in prison don't have any hope for rehabilitation, and it's probably no different in the corporate world. The biggest mistake you can make in dealing with a psychopath is to get trapped in their world. If you try to figure them out through your own lens of being a normal human being, with intact emotions (particularly around guilt), and if you put energy into trying to change or fix them, you'll face nothing but frustration, disbelief and anxiety. Hare and Babiak remind us that there isn't much you can do about these scary individuals, but it's also good to acknowledge that it's not your fault if you have tried and failed to make a difference with them. It appears that the best strategies for responding to psychopaths are generally pretty basic:

• If you can identify one, don't hire them in the first place.
• Refrain from engaging with them where possible.
• Set strong personal and professional boundaries when working with them.
• Let go of any expectations of normality and any hope of making sense of their behaviour.

Damaged survivors

The second type of emotional manipulator can sometimes be nearly as difficult as the psychopath, but not quite. Like psychopaths, this second group of bluffers often have a singular focus — to get what they want — and they will also hurt people along the way. In their case, however, the harm they cause is usually a result of ignorance of the impact of their actions (borne out of self-absorption) rather than the evil intent we see in the psychopath. On a positive note, they do have the power to change, and if you understand their behaviour patterns, and apply some of the tools of the tough-stuff conversations, you may get more traction with them than previously. At least you can learn to depersonalise their often offensive communication and, at best, you may actually connect with them in a way that allows for a completely different, more effective conversation.

For the most part, these are people who don't intend to hurt others directly, but are so caught up in their own (usually insecure) worlds that they act without much empathy and apparent care. Unlike the hardwiring of the psychopath, this group's behaviour has most often been shaped by personally challenging experiences, particularly during the formative years of their lives. They may have experienced bullying as a child, had emotionally or physically abusive parents or other people of influence around them, survived some traumatic situations or had intimidating role models in their lives. These people are more common than your average psychopath. Most of us have known a boss, employee or customer who fits this category (and maybe you find yourself here during crisis times as well). There can be a range of types of manipulators, from those who tend to be passive–aggressive and incite guilt trips, to those who rule by intimidating and shaming.

What distinguishes the damaged survivor from the psychopath is that they will experience guilt at some point (although you may not always see it), they can show genuine glimmers of empathy, and they will respond to effective coaching intervention if they are open to and commit to it.

An example of the damaged survivor at work is the person who tears a strip off a colleague for a small oversight, say for minor spelling errors in a proposal, making the person feel about as small as a flea, but then genuinely praises them for a job well done the next day. You may also experience these people as mean, uncompromising hard-asses at work, but observe that they are caring philanthropists outside work.

Most of the rest of this chapter will be dedicated to dealing with this second type of manipulator, the damaged survivor. For this type of bluffer, we maintain that there's goodness in the person somewhere, and it may come out over time, if you can disarm the thick, protective outer layer that repels your normal attempts to engage and has them on the offensive much of the time. Let's look at some effective strategies for dealing with bluff stuff from the damaged survivor who unintentionally hurts and bullies people along the way.

Two-way street

The first strategy for dealing with the bluff stuff is to take responsibility for your part in it. Emotional manipulation is a two-way street. When faced with this type of destructive manipulation and behaviour, you always have choices, and there is something you can do. We believe that in every interpersonal interaction each player shares equal responsibility for the communication, how it's given and how it's received. You are 100 per cent responsible for how you choose to communicate and react, and the other person is 100 per cent responsible for how they choose to communicate and react.

We want to encourage you to focus on getting clear about your end, despite any less-than-desirable communication from the other person. This includes interpreting another's communication, even the worst of it, in a way that works for you, leaves you intact and possibly even opens up an opportunity for personal growth.

Avoid the popularity stakes

One of the critical mistakes made by leaders, managers and supervisors is that they prioritise being popular (or becoming popular) with the members of their team ahead of being effective leaders, and in doing so, open themselves up to exploitation by the emotional manipulators.

Have you ever worked for a manager who seems to step over the manager-employee boundary in order to be liked by everyone? Who buys into the office chit-chat and gossip and aims to be a little too chummy with their team? This is just one of the things that is guaranteed to create problems, eventually.

One problem is that there's an inherent power imbalance in these relationships, which creates conflict and tension. The very nature of being a manager means that, at some point you'll be required to manage the performance of team members, and the chummy relationship will get in the way of effective performance conversations. The other problem with this approach is that it makes it easier for the emotional manipulators to get what they want: it gives them a way of exploiting your position of power for their interests. Trying to be popular is usually pretty obvious behaviour, and the bluffers will buddy up with you by saying the right things to make you feel good about yourself. The problem is that they will then use their friendly relationship with you to their advantage, to get away with things that you wouldn't normally allow around the office.

Trying to be popular with the emotional manipulators is like showing your hand to an opponent in a poker game and then asking for advice on how to win — they will suck you in by helping you win a small bet to start with, but will use the knowledge against you when the big pile of chips is on the table.

Rather than open yourself up to compromising situations by trying to be one of the team, it's important that you seek other strategies to connect in meaningful ways.

Here are some ideas to help you with this:

• Leave the gossip for the gossipers, and champion transparent communication.
• Satisfy your close buddy needs by connecting with colleagues at the same managerial level.
• Maintain professional, fair and equitable relationships with all team members (people will connect with those they respect).
• Network with other professionals and managers outside work.
• Engage in external coaching or mentoring relationships for your own professional development.

It's only natural as a manager to seek connection with your staff as close friends, and to be seen as popular among them, and we're not saying that you can't be friendly with your team. What we are saying is that it's important to be detached from the need for close attention from your staff. Set clear boundaries that keep roles clearly delineated, not only to manage all relationships fairly, but also to avoid exploitation by the bluffers who are ready to pounce on needy managers. When it comes to building your team, prioritise what works ahead of what feels good.

Understanding intimidation and shaming

The first port of call here is to set your mind on one of our favourite mantras (already mentioned in chapter 7): ‘It's not all about you'. The phrase reminds us that when people use intimidation and shame, it tells you more about what's going on in their worlds than about what you've done (although it may not feel this way), even when what they say is directly about you.

If the perpetrator of the aggressive, bullying behaviour is the psychopathic type, it's useful to remember that they are wired differently, and it's critical not to get caught up in asking why they may be doing this, or in trying to fix their behaviour. Instead, focus on how you can close down the situation.

Remember that the more common, non-psychopathic manipulator doesn't directly intend to hurt — although they do intend to get their way — but their behaviour is most likely founded on insecurity. For this kind of bluffer, you can remind yourself that such intimidation tactics are an indicator that they're suffering themselves. Much of the difficult behaviour, which can manifest as bullying, is protection against a deeper fear of not being good enough. The tough part for you is that they may not even be conscious of their deep-rooted insecurity, so it won't help to point it out to them. This is not about making excuses for their behaviour, but about seeing the reasons for it, and we know that understanding can help you take things less personally and respond more effectively.

So you can see that bullying behaviour can be a result of other deeper issues. Once you've got an awareness that there can be a bigger context outside of the behaviour you're seeing, it's useful to focus on the following tips for dealing with bullying behaviour.

Dealing with passive–aggressive behaviours

Emotional manipulators can be masters of passive–aggressive behaviours. Passive–aggressive behaving and communicating is characterised by someone who says ‘yes' to your face but ‘no' to your back. They appear compliant, but they will undermine a situation when they are removed from the conversation with you. The passive–aggressive is someone who, when asked to finish off the quarterly peer reviews, says ‘no worries', but then spends the week complaining to everyone else in the team about the waste of their valuable time, and then doesn't deliver to deadline. They feel no sense of accountability, and that makes you look bad in front of your boss. Herein lies the core of their subversive aggression: ‘Don't try to tell me what to do. I'll find a way to make you pay for it!'

Passive–aggressive behaviour can be difficult to manage because of the mixed messages being sent. This behaviour is not overt: it's covert, and it can easily turn into a ‘he said, she said' mess, creating the type of confusion that allows the passive–aggressive bluffer to further avoid responsibility.

When you're faced with passive–aggressive behaviour, the best thing you can do is adopt some simple strategies around accountability:

• Clarify your expectations with all members of your team. Check and recheck that all your requests have been fully understood. It's easy for someone to justify poor behavioural integrity if your communication has been lacking.
• Ensure agreement on the context and purpose of a request. At the heart of all accountability is an agreement. It's pretty hard to tell people what to do and expect a result if you don't get their permission first. An example is the client who copped the blame for not running management meetings. Instead of trying to justify her lack of responsibility she could have sought, and documented, input and agreement from the team of managers with regard to why and for what objectives they would hold regular meetings, so that everyone shared accountability for making those meetings happen.
• Create a paper trail of the expectations. Publicly post expectations, where appropriate, and follow up any requests with an email to confirm what has been requested.
• Get commitment to specific dates and times for completion. Vague deadlines give the bluffers an excuse to procrastinate.
• Maintain your own integrity about getting stuff done. Do as you say and you'll stand tall in the tough-stuff conversations with those who don't do as they say.
• Give straight feedback about the incongruence between words and actions. Outline to others the difference between what they have said and what they have done. For instance, ‘I recall you said you'd be able to get the peer reviews finished this week, and yet they haven't been done. I'm wondering what is happening here?' It's important to be inquisitive rather than accusatory in these conversations, as people can become defensive, but be courageous and tell it how it is.

Strategies for dealing with the bluff stuff

No matter which type of bluffer you're confronted with, it can be helpful to have some overarching strategies, and we hope to leave you with some here.

• Move difficult conversations into context before dealing with the content. When you're having bluff-stuff conversations, it can be very easy to find yourself getting stuck in the picky details of the situation. Content-based discussions require rationality, and in many emotionally charged situations rationality has left the building. Focusing on big-picture context issues first can help people come down from the emotional overwhelm. When they are more rational, they will be open to hearing the content details. For example, if you are trying to resolve a conflict over the minor errors in a proposal, begin by moving beyond the analysis of what actually happened, and focus on why it may have happened and why polished proposals are important to the business's bottom line.
• Identify the bluffers. Do your due diligence on the behaviours of different kinds of manipulators so that you can focus on the most effective responses for each of them. It's not within most managers' scope to diagnose psychopathy, nor any other personality disorder, but it is important to have some idea of what you may be dealing with. If you're not dealing with a psychopath, you will still have to take on a massive challenge to your patience and compassion to deal with emotional manipulation in the workplace.
• Take responsibility for your role in reinforcing the behaviours. Be aware of how you contribute to the situation, and possibly make it easier for the bluffers to continue their manipulative ways. Vying for the most-popular-around-the-office title is not going to help because it will lay you open to manipulation. Be focused on being a manager, not a mate.
• Depersonalise the bullying and get past the surface behaviours. For the non-psychopathic bully, remember there's a difficult personal story under there somewhere. Aggressive behaviour is most likely a projection onto you and others of the suffering going on inside. That's not to give them excuses for being a bully: it's about getting to a deeper level of connection, where it's much more possible to understand and change their dysfunctional behaviour.
• Create a culture of accountability. Be accountable and demand accountability in return. Accountability in the workplace functions only if its leaders are pillars of integrity. When you do as you say, the manipulator can't exploit your lack of integrity as a weakness. Furthermore, by following the rules of the accountability game — clarity, agreement, commitment and follow-up — you'll close the door on the bluffer's excuse machine. And remember, you can still do accountability with compassion. Ultimately, keeping others on task for something that will be good for them is a form of compassion. It's similar to a situation where a true friend keeps you accountable to a healthy diet — and doesn't let you eat junk food — when they know you're trying to improve your health.
• Focus on solutions rather than problems. We know that the reason we have tough-stuff conversations at all is because something is not working, but often the problems take up most of our attention. The bluffers are good at keeping the personal, emotional problems front and centre. A far more constructive conversation, one that goes right past all the emotional manipulation, is where you spend most of the time defining solutions and helping people to identify how they can resolve problems.

Conclusion

The world's most famous line about poker, ‘You gotta know when to hold 'em, and know when to fold 'em' is also true when it comes to dealing with the different types of bluffers. It means you have to hold onto hope and put in an effort when dealing with a non-psychopathic bluffer, but fold up the table and do whatever you can to disengage from the true psychopathic bluffer.

In the absence of certainty about the personality you are dealing with in a workplace bluff-stuff conversation, the best you can do is make yourself part of the solution rather than part of the problem. None of this will be easy. This is as much about mindset as it is about a set of behavioural tools, and it will require you to prioritise what works ahead of what you may want. It means putting in extra time and energy to understand some of the complexities of human beings at work, and changing some of your own behaviours.