Chapter 12. How to argue with your children

Why is it that children can be more exasperating than anyone else? Most parents will have despaired of their children at some point:

“They just don’t listen. I can’t get them to do anything. It’s non-stop arguing.”

Perhaps we shouldn’t be surprised. Parents inevitably have to treat children in a way they wouldn’t dare treat anyone else. Have you ever tried telling an adult they really ought to go to bed, or that their clothes don’t match? We don’t like being told what to do and it’s no surprise that children don’t either. Remember, children have their rights too. The ten golden rules apply just as well to children as they do to adults.

This is typical of all too many interactions between teenagers and parents. We’ll come back at the end of the chapter to see how this argument might have gone so much better.

1. Threats: “Do your homework or there will be no allowance this week.”

2. Rewards/bribes: “Do your homework and you’ll get an extra $2 allowance this week.”

3. Logic: “Do your homework and you’ll get better marks in your exams.”

4. Power: “Do your homework because I say so.”

5. Guilt: “We have done so much for you, surely the least you can do is do your homework.”

There’s nothing inherently wrong with any of these tactics. But they need to be treated with care. We’ll look at them one by one.

• Don’t make threats you don’t intend to carry out. Your child will soon learn that you don’t carry out your threats. Indeed, older children will readily see you don’t intend to carry them out.

• Start with lesser threats before increasing the level of threat. Start with, “I’ll have to consider whether to cut your allowance ...”

• Be proportionate. Don’t make threats that are all out of proportion to the wrong being committed. Most children have a strong sense of what is fair.

In many cases it’s better to put the threat in terms of a choice for the child.

One of the benefits of expressing threats in terms of choices is that it teaches children that there are consequences for their actions. This is a lesson they must learn in life. It also empowers them to choose between the consequences. Of course, such a tactic is only sensible if you’re prepared for them not to tidy their room and to withdraw their allowance as a result.

• Try not to get into the habit of using bribes all the time. There should be some things that children do as a matter of course. Keep bribes for dealing with unusual situations (when the train is cancelled, or the child is screaming in the restaurant).

• If you are offering a bribe or a benefit make sure it’s close in time. A promise of a benefit next week is unlikely to be as effective as a benefit when the task is performed.

• Make sure your bribe is proportionate. Don’t use big bribes to get a child to do something straightforward.

The main disadvantage of bribes is that a child can easily learn that the best way to get nice things is to be badly behaved. That way you are given a bribe to be good. It’s very important therefore to use rewards more than bribes. If a child has behaved well and tidied their room as requested, give them a reward afterward. As many experts say, if you pay attention to bad behavior and ignore the good, you’re in trouble! Yet if the child is behaving well the temptation as parents is to ignore them and get on with your own things.

The other benefit from using rewards is that it reinforces the lesson that actions have consequences. As we have said already, a crucial lesson for children to learn is that what feels good now might not be the best thing to do. Doing something less pleasant now may lead to benefits later. And doing what is pleasant now (eating a whole tub of ice cream, say) may be regretted later. Mind you, that is a lesson some of us are still learning!

Use arguments that will fit in with the way the child sees the world. Telling a 7-year-old to do her homework so that she will get a place at a good university is unlikely to work. The same argument for a 17-year-old who is desperate to get to a particular university might well be successful. Don’t assume that the arguments that are persuasive to you will be persuasive to your child. You might think “You will get really cold wearing that outfit” is an overwhelming argument, but for the child it might not be. Similarly, “That’s what all my friends do” sounds like a terrible argument to an adult, but is very powerful for children.

This is where listening is important.

You have to find out what is motivating the child to make their decision. Can you work within that way of thinking to get what you want? So the child who wants to wear the skimpy outfit because they want to look trendy might agree to wear a coat until they get close to the party.

All of that said, there are times when there is no choice but to exercise power. If the child has to get to a doctor’s appointment and is refusing to go out of the door, there may be no time to do anything other than pick them up and put them in the car. But when that’s done, discuss the issue with the child afterward. Talk about why you had to pick them up.

But using guilt is not productive. Remember Golden Rule 10: the long-term relationship is key. A relationship that is built on guilt and a sense of obligation is not likely to be a beneficial one in the long term. There is a place for reminding children how much more advantaged they are than others. But reminding them about all that you’ve done for them is not normally a good idea. Anyway, we all know what they will grow up to say: “I didn’t choose to be born!” Reminding a child of all you have done for them may just create resentment and ignores the real issue at hand. If a child simply does what you say due to feelings of guilt that will not be the basis of a beneficial relationship.

For example, imagine your child is sulking in a toyshop when you’re out buying a present for his friend’s birthday party because you won’t buy him a present as well. The temptation is to say: “You don’t know how much I’ve done for you, and yet you always want more! You don’t know how lucky you are!” This might very well be true, but when a child is sulking in the middle of a toyshop he is unlikely to respond to this kind of argument. It would be better to say: “Thank you for showing me that toy you want. Next time we buy you a toy, that would be a great one to get. Today it’s not your turn for a toy, but if you are good, we’ll think about getting you another toy soon.”

• Don’t use corporal punishment. Most of the experts in the field (including pediatricians, social workers and academics) believe that corporal punishment is ineffective and harmful.

• Stay calm. Yelling at your child might sometimes be effective in getting a short-term goal, but in the long term it teaches them that yelling is appropriate and they will use it when they lose control. Parents should, when possible, model good behavior! Of course, all parents do shout at times, and you would hardly be human if you did not. But keep that to a minimum. If your child is being exasperating simply take time away. Walk away and take a breather. Have a drink of water. Ask your partner to deal with them. Indeed, it is surprising how often introducing a new person into the situation can lead to a rapid solution.

• Praise your child. Even when correcting them, emphasize the good things they do and encourage them to do good in the issues you’re arguing about. Remember too to give rewards and encouragement for good behavior. If good behavior gets no response and bad behavior leads to a telling off then bad behavior may become the only way a child can get a response from you. You must learn to recognize what might be attention-seeking behavior. Children can be cranky just because they are tired and need some attention. Stopping the argument and giving them a cuddle can be very effective. Of course, if this is the issue, then build quality time for them into your schedule so that they don’t need to resort to bad behavior to get your attention.

• Treat your child with respect and as an intelligent person. Give them reasons for acting in a sensible way. Listening to the reasons they have for not complying with what you say can be important. You might decide, when you listen properly to them, that they have a point after all. Remember that the things that are important to children are not necessarily the things that are important to adults. You shouldn’t expect them to be little adults, but good children. All of this will give your child invaluable lessons for life as they learn to think through issues for themselves. By treating your child with respect and as an intelligent person, they are more likely to treat you (and others) in the same way.

• Spend time with your children. You can only get to know your children well if you spend time with them. Only then will you know what triggers disputes and what kinds of reasons they are likely to listen to when arguments arise. There is plenty of evidence that good relationships with parents can benefit children in terms of education, psychological well-being and happiness.

• Consistency is key. If you have rules, stick to them. If there are rewards or punishments that follow from behavior, then respect them.

• Be careful what phrases you use. Adults are accustomed to unpleasant phrases being used and are normally able to ignore them or put them in context. Children find this much harder. “You’re stupid” might easily be laughed off by an adult, but not by a child. So be particularly careful of personal attacks on a child. Concentrate on remarks about their behavior rather than them. This is extremely important. Self-esteem issues that develop in children can grow into much bigger issues later. So address the issue/behavior at the heart of the argument, but don’t attack the person. Say “Writing on the wall was not a good thing to do!,” rather than “You are a naughty and silly boy!”

• Remember that children learn how to argue from you. Speak harshly, fail to listen, be abusive, shout, and children will learn that is the way to argue.

Here are some top tips:

• Find out why the child is angry. What is it that riles the child? Is it something that can easily be dealt with? Some children become short-tempered when they are hungry or tired. Perhaps a quick snack is the answer. Making sure the child gets enough rest may be key. Is there something that you do that creates the anger? Remember, it’s so easy to see the situation only with adult eyes. To you the fact that the child is upset because he has lost teddy, when he has dozens of stuffed toys, makes no sense, but that is not how children see the world.

• Tell the child you understand their anger. Do your best to empathize with the child.

• Acknowledge that the child is angry and, if you know why they feel that way, acknowledge the wrong that was done to them. Depending on the age of the child it may be appropriate to help them name the emotion they’re feeling. Talking through anger and emotional responses with children can be immeasurably valuable. Coming alongside them and being a friend, rather than confronting them when they are in an angry state, can build your relationship. The issue you’re concerned with can be dealt with later when the child is calm.

• Show the child a good way to express their anger. This is best done later, when the child has calmed down. Ask yourself what should he or she do when they feel anger? Maybe you should encourage the child to go outside and do something energetic (“When you feel annoyed why not go and ride your bike?” “Why not hit a pillow when you get really angry?’). My wife tells our daughter that she is allowed to be as cross as she wants to in her room, and stamp around as loudly as she wishes, as long as it’s in her room. You have to give your child a way to work through their anger and frustration, and help them recognize anger as a normal feeling. Teach your child that it is what they do in their anger that can be harmful to them and others, and give them healthy ways of expressing it.

• Listen to what the child is saying and make sure your child realizes you are listening. Repeat back to them what they have said so that you have understood correctly. You need to teach them that listening to someone else is important. Why should they listen to you if you don’t listen to them?

• It is tempting sometimes to see any anger issues your child might have as “their” problem. But it’s better to see it as your family’s problem. Indeed, the school and friends may all have their part in working through it.

• When a child is feeling angry or emotional is not the time to have a productive argument. Nor is it the time to correct the child. You will need to address the issues at hand later on when they are calmer.

• It may be that getting on the same eye level with the child will help. Or maybe coming side by side to them. Each child is different, and so you need to find the best way to communicate that you’re with them and will help them. Use a calm voice and a pleasant expression. Depending on the child, holding them or touching them may be helpful. Other children will want space and will not want to be touched while they are angry.

• Keep things short. Children don’t want (and it’s rarely helpful) to talk at length. Deal with the issue quickly. There may be another time to talk in more depth.

• It may be that there are medical issues connected to your child’s behavior. A chat with your GP may reassure you or they may offer tests if you’re concerned that there is more going on than normal child behavior.

• Spend time with teenagers, but be aware of their desire for privacy and space. You may need simply to be there and available, even if not directly talking to them. When discussing, try to use open questions, “How was your day?,” rather than closed ones, “Did you have a good day?,” which can be answered “yes” or “no.” If your teenager is keen to talk use that as a time to chat, rather than a time to reprimand. Arguments can take the form of “discussions” in this context.

• Listen to their arguments and respect them. Try to respond in arguments that they will appreciate. For example, the fact that you and your friends might think a particular outfit is unsuitable is not going to persuade a child who thinks it’s trendy. Indeed, for many teenagers being able to choose what to wear is a crucial aspect of personal identity and independence. That must be respected and understood.

• Many teenagers suffer from self-esteem issues. Be sensitive to this, particularly in relation to matters of personal appearance. Don’t criticize them harshly or make derogatory remarks. Even jokes can be taken wrongly. Build your child up. Respect them as young people.

• Some teenagers find dealing with and expressing emotions difficult. You need to understand and support your teenager during this time. Gently help them express those emotions in suitable ways. Telling them off or punishing them is unlikely to help.

• Remember that for many teenagers their status with friends is very important. Chiding them about their untidy room in front of their friends is unlikely to be popular. It’s best to deal with any problems when you are alone with your child.