Chapter 11. How to argue with those you love

Arguments with partners and the extended family can be painful and complex. They can also go on for years! There’s probably no area in life where it’s more important to argue well. Perhaps it’s of some comfort that you’ll have plenty of practice at this! I don’t know a couple who find they never seem to argue enough.

This example shows how easy it is for arguments over the most trivial things to get out of hand and escalate out of all proportion to the initial issue.

In fact, arguments can play a beneficial role in a relationship. They can help each party realize what the other really cares about. An argument enables there to be an outlet for feelings of antagonism that might otherwise fester. All relationships need boundaries and limits. A relationship in which one party got their way on every issue would be a bad relationship. If a wife constantly submitted to her husband that would be disastrous. An English judge once said that “on marriage a husband and wife became one and the husband is that one.” That’s now an outdated and unacceptable model for a relationship. Relationships are about give and take; mutuality, if you will. Arguments are where you need to determine how your competing interests can be balanced.

“Most couples have not had hundreds of arguments; they’ve had the same argument hundreds of times.”

Gay Hendricks

• Remember Golden Rule 2: Choose your time and place of arguing. You will know the foibles of your partner. My wife knows that if I’m hungry then it’s not a good time to raise a sensitive issue! If there’s an important issue that needs discussing try to choose a time when you are both relaxed and have the time to discuss it. I know ... that will be never! But at least do your best.

• Remember Golden Rule 3: It’s not what you say but how you say it. Don’t lose your temper. I touched on lots of tips on how to keep cool when that rule was discussed. If you feel you’re getting angry then put space between you and your partner and calm down. Not only is losing your temper not good for your relationship, it’s bad for your health.

• Never ever be violent: Never hit, throw things or physically threaten your partner. If you fear you might become or you have been violent, seek professional help quickly. If your partner has been violent to you think very carefully about whether it might be best to leave the relationship. All the evidence shows that those who are violent to their partners are so repeatedly. Typically, a violent partner is deeply apologetic, only to return to more serious violence in the future.

• Remember Golden Rule 4: Listen, listen, listen. It’s only respectful and proper to listen carefully to your partner. Don’t interrupt. Don’t finish their sentences. Where your partner has made a fair point then accept and acknowledge it. Demonstrate that you have heard what they have said and you accept it. So often in arguments between partners each is so keen to list the faults of the other, they don’t listen to what the other is saying.

• Try to make statements in terms of what you feel: “I sometimes feel that you care more about your job than you do about me” is less confrontational than “You care more about your job than me.” In putting the argument in terms of what you feel, you’re not judging the other person and are just describing your emotions. It opens the door to a ready reconciliation: “I’m so sorry you feel like that. Of course, I care far more about you than my job. I know I’ve been working late recently but ...”

• Focus on the future, not the past: Normally with relationships there’s not much point focusing on the past. How should the issue that is causing friction be dealt with in the future? It may help not to criticize, but rather to request. “In the future, could you load the dishwasher after lunch” may be more effective than “You never help with the dishes.” Focusing on the past produces an apology and shame, but it might also lead to personal insults, frustration and anger. Focusing on the future brings a solution to the issue without harming the relationship.

• Remember to see the issue from your partner’s side: Acknowledge the benefits your partner brings to the relationship. “I know you have the baby to look after all day and there’s nothing more exhausting than that, but ...” Acknowledge the good. Make it clear that you do love them and respect them.

• Take time: If you’re aware your discussion is leading to an impasse, suggest taking time to think about it. There might be more options that you can’t see. And make it clear to your partner that you’re not trying to avoid the issue. Promise to return to the discussion at a set point, perhaps “tomorrow morning after I’ve had some sleep.” Sleeping on an issue can also provide perspective. I’m sure we’ve all been in the position of waking up “the morning after” and wondering why there had been an argument over an issue that seems so trivial the next day. At the time it might have seemed important where the toothpaste should live, but it all looks rather silly the next day. Beware, however, of putting things off forever. That might just disguise underlying issues.

• Set a time limit: If you’re having a discussion it may be worth setting a time limit, agreeing to return to the issue later if you have not resolved it by then. Decide to do something fun after that.

• Be alert to what the real issues are: In relationships it’s common for a trivial issue to lead to a major argument, but the trivial issue can reflect a significant point. The dispute over the toothpaste may reflect a broader issue that one person doesn’t think the other respects them; or that one party feels the other is trying to control them. We can see this in the example of the argument between Suni and Shamrita. At first it appeared that there was an argument about socks, but there were clearly a lot of other issues going on here. Suni felt that Shamrita was always trying to control her. Shamrita seemed to find her life based at home unfulfilling. These are major issues. If they’re not resolved their relationship could be doomed. First, they need to sort out the sock issue rapidly. The bigger issues will require a longer, more serious conversation, probably at another time when they have plenty of time to discuss them.

• Be forgiving: When you’re with someone all the time you’ll see them at their weakest and most vulnerable. You’ll see them when they’re exhausted and frustrated. We all need times when we can let our guard down and not put up pretenses. Partners will see each other when they do that. So you can’t expect perfection from yourself or from your partner. You must be forgiving and understanding.

• Be ready to apologize: As we have just seen, you can’t expect your partner to be perfect and you can’t be expected to be perfect. Be very ready to apologize. It’s amazing how a quick “I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have said that” can change a situation that could have led to a major argument into a pleasant evening. It costs nothing to apologize. A failure to apologize will leave your partner feeling that you haven’t understood their feelings and you don’t care. Note that an apology for hurting someone’s feelings or saying something cruel doesn’t mean you are losing the argument. The issue that caused you to misspeak can be returned to once the tension has abated.

• Be positive: If you have had an argument, try to make sure good comes from it. Otherwise you will have the same argument repeatedly. Having a positive outcome will nearly always involve both parties agreeing to change their behavior. Suni needs to learn to put her socks away and perhaps Shamrita needs to learn not to criticize every time Suni forgets. And if you have made an agreement, do your best to stick to it.

• “I’m really sorry I’ve upset you. I love you very much and never want to hurt you. I think we need to take some time to talk this through. Let’s go for a walk tomorrow by the river and talk about this.”

• “I know you don’t mean to upset me, but when you say things like that it makes me feel you don’t really respect me.”

• “Look, I think we have a problem here. I realize that your football is really important to you and it gives you great fun. But it means I’m left with the children most of Saturday and I end up feeling I get no time to myself. Can we talk about a way we can deal with this?”