Chapter 2. Golden Rule 2: When to argue, when to walk away
I’m sure we’ve all had arguments where later we feel that it was just the wrong time and the wrong place. Knowing when to enter into an argument and when not to is a vital skill. Before embarking on an argument always ask yourself: is this the right place and the right time? Is it better to walk away and not have the argument at all, or to have it at another time and in another place?
Entering arguments
Think especially about the following:
• Could there be a productive outcome from this argument?
• Is it better to have the argument in private or with other people around?
• Do you have the information you need to make a good argument?
• Are you feeling emotionally ready for the argument?
• Is the other person emotionally ready to hear your arguments?
Let’s consider these points separately.
Could this argument be productive?
There’s little point in having an argument if no good to anyone could come from it. Imagine you were at a company party held to try to drum up new business. You introduce yourself to a distinguished looking man who soon informs you that he’s the head of the local hunting club. You are strongly opposed to hunting. You could enter into an argument over the morality of hunting, but it’s highly unlikely that this would be productive. You’re not likely to put forward any arguments he doesn’t know already. In a party environment you can’t give a long lecture on the evils of hunting. The argument is not going to get anywhere and you may even end up damaging the interests of your business. It’s time to walk away or quickly change the conversation.
Or, imagine the family Christmas dinner and Uncle Jeff starts making some homophobic comments that you find objectionable. There may be a time and place to talk about the issues with Jeff, but Christmas dinner is probably not it. The end result of any argument is pretty predictable: you and Uncle Jeff will both get upset and the rest of the family will not be happy with you! Leave it for another time.
There are some people who are so emotionally committed to their point of view that they’re unlikely to change it. You’re unlikely to persuade someone in a single conversation that their religion is wrong. The most you might hope to do is create a doubt that they will want to explore another time.
That’s a telling question. If the person suggests that no evidence could prove them wrong, then you know you’re dealing with a total fanatic. Walk away!
Never argue with a fanatic, it’s a waste of time.
Private or public?
This can be an important issue, especially in a business context. You need to think carefully about it. Is this an argument best raised on a one-to-one level with the individual concerned, or is it better discussed in a group? There are several issues to think about:
• Confidentiality. If in the course of the argument you need to raise issues that are confidential (either about yourself or someone else) then you need to make sure the conversation is in private so you don’t breach confidentiality.
• Confidence. Will you feel more confident if someone else is with you? Or if you’re alone? If you want someone with you, who will it be?
• Formality. Would you feel more comfortable raising this in a formal setting, such as a meeting, or in an informal one?
• Intimidation. If you know that the other person can be aggressive and unpleasant, it’s probably best to try to see them with someone else or in a public meeting. They’re less likely to be bullying if there are other people around. If they are offensive then, hopefully, there will be people who can come to your defense.
• Agreement. Are there other people who agree with you? If so, your argument may be stronger if presented in a group with others supporting your viewpoint.
Do you have all the information you need?
At all costs avoid an argument if you’re unprepared for it. As we saw in Golden Rule 1: having the key information at your fingertips is crucial. There should be no shame in saying: “I need to think through the issues a bit more before giving you my opinion. Let’s talk about this tomorrow.” It may be that in the course of the argument information was presented that you did not know about. Again it may be best to take a break. You may need to go away and read the study the other person was talking about or get some more figures.
Are you emotionally ready?
Arguing well requires time, attention and effort. Arguing when you’re exhausted, emotional or hurried is normally counter-productive. Even if you’re always exhausted, emotional and hurried, you need to try to choose a time when you are well prepared and in a good position to explain your arguments and listen to the other person’s. A rushed conversation about a pay raise over the coffee machine is not likely to work. A discussion about where a relationship is going is unlikely to work well at 1 a.m.
Be particularly wary about entering an argument when you’re angry. The temptation on hearing that a person has made a decision you disagree with is to rush off an angry email or run around to see them. Be very careful. Make sure you’re right in your understanding. It can be very embarrassing to go storming into someone’s office to complain about a decision only to discover that you’ve got the idea all wrong.
Is the other person ready?
The issues we have been discussing also apply to the other person. You may be perfectly poised for the argument, but the other person must be receptive to what you’re going to say. Perhaps you need to give them some information to read first before talking to them. You might even want to give them a short document setting out your points and suggest meeting to discuss them. That will give the other person time to think through what you want to say and provide a considered response.
Think carefully about what time is best to discuss the issue. Friday at 4 p.m. might be a great time for you, but your boss might be exhausted and stressed out. Again, the key point is whether they will be able to pay attention to what you have to say and give time to listening to your arguments properly.
Avoiding arguments
Do you find you keep having arguments when you don’t want to? You can stop this.
Is this really necessary?
First, before every argument, ask yourself: is this really necessary? Maybe you think you’re surrounded by fools and incompetents. Even if that’s so, you don’t have to correct every fool you come across. Just let some things be. Remember some useful phrases to escape an argument:
If you really feel you can’t let the person remain in their ignorance, it may be better to be non-confrontational. How about:
“I read a really interesting article on that the other day. I’ll email it over to you.”
Is this an insoluble issue?
Many of the great issues that people love to debate are simply reflections of a broader disagreement between the parties. For example, a dispute over whether life begins at conception often in fact reflects a debate over whether or not people believe in God. Unless you have a lot of time on your hands (e.g. you’re stuck in a broken-down train) you’re not going to be able to argue all of the issues thoroughly. If you’re not going to be able to resolve it, maybe it is better to leave it.
It may be that the issue is solvable, but the other party is simply immovable. They’re committed to a particular view and whatever you say is not going to change their mind. In this case the argument is unlikely to be productive. Warning signs of this will be when they simply seem unwilling to enter a discussion:
“I just don’t want to argue about this.”
“My mind is made up.”
Or even, as someone once said to me:
“Whatever you say I’m not going to change my mind.”
Be careful about assuming some principle of rationality. Many people’s beliefs are just assumptions, not based on thought or logic. It’s amazing how many people will adamantly support something without thinking about it. I remember a conversation many years ago with my grandmother, a fierce supporter of the Republican Party. I went through a range of issues (e.g. education, defense) and on each she supported the policy of the Democrat Party, rather than the Republican Party. At the end I remember saying, “But Granny, on every issue you support the policies of the Democrat Party, so why do you support the Republicans?” “Because I always have,” she replied, and there was no easy response to that.
Know your buttons
Most people have “buttons.” As soon as someone mentions a particular issue we launch into our tirade. Twenty minutes later our poor friend looks at us exhausted and says, “Well, I guess I shouldn’t have said that.” Once you know that you have an issue about which you feel so strongly that you are likely to over-react, beware. Realize your propensity to lose perspective, make sure you keep calm, and ask yourself the questions: is this the time, the place and the person?
Summary
Remember you don’t have to argue about everything you disagree with. Often it is better to leave things be. If it’s necessary to argue make sure you’re prepared. Make sure it’s the right time and place to conduct the conversation. If not, wait for another day.
• time,
• place, or
• person.
If it is, take another deep breath and begin. If not, walk away.