Chapter 3. Golden Rule 3: What you say and how you say it

In an ideal world all arguments would be decided on their merits and not their presentation. But we aren’t in an ideal world. There’s no getting away from the fact that presentation of an argument is crucial. Advertising is all based on persuading you to buy a product that you would not otherwise buy, and most advertising is the triumph of spin over substance. Many people have won arguments, based on bad grounds, because they’ve made their points well. And many people with good points have lost their argument because they failed to make their case attractively.

To regard an argument as simply an intellectual battle would be a serious error. Many arguments involve emotional matters as much as intellectual ones. Have you ever heard a great speech or a great lecture? It was probably not due to the intellectual power behind the arguments, but the emotional appeal made. Barack Obama won the American presidential election not really because of the intellectual appeal of his argument but the emotional appeal and his convincing delivery.

It’s well known that fraud trials can be difficult to prosecute. One reason is that they’re easy for defense lawyers to defend. All you need to do is confuse the jury. Introduce a mass of complex financial information and a few jargon-filled experts and soon the jury feels lost. They certainly cannot be sure the defendants committed the crime.

The same is true in arguing. Baffle your opponent and you might persuade them that the issue is very complex. But you won’t persuade them you’re right.

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Most people say too much when arguing.

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It’s better to make one point clearly than forty that leave the listener confused or bored, or most likely both. Remember, only one argument needs to work. So choose your best ones and make the most of them.

Focus on the question “What do they need to know?” If you’re telling people what they already know they will be bored. They will not want to put in the effort of listening to you if within your 15-minute rant there’s not a single point they don’t already know. I know it’s tempting to make every point you can, but keep some in reserve. Listen to the response of the other person. Are they taking your three main points on board, or do you need to explain them? Are they nearly persuaded by your three points, in which case some of your secondary points may be useful? Are they very knowledgeable about the issue? In that case you need to tread carefully!

OK, perhaps they wouldn’t put it quite like that, but you get the idea. A lawyer’s opening is key because they want the jury to look at the evidence from a particular perspective. So if, for example, you want to argue that adopting a particular proposal will severely endanger the financial well-being of your company you want those you’re talking to to look at all the evidence, asking “What are the financial risks here and how will they affect me?” If you can get them to consider the proposal from that perspective, you will be well on your way to winning your case.

“Well, this proposal looks very interesting. Can anyone think of any reason why we should not proceed?”

By putting the question this way the chair has put the burden of proof on those who don’t think that the proposal should go ahead. There’s no need to make the case for the proposal, that’s assumed. Imagine if the chair had said:

“Well, here’s the proposal. Does anyone think a convincing case has been made to adopt this?”

Hence the approach to take in arguing in favor of buying a particular new car is to say:

“Give me one good reason why we should not buy this car.”

By saying this the assumption is made that buying the car is good. You might have said:

“Give me one good reason why we should buy this car.”

But that would put the burden of proof on finding good reasons to purchase the car. So in arguing, seek to steer the argument into asking why your point of view should not be accepted. That way skeptics will remain on your side, unless they’re convinced that there is a good reason to go against you.

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Snap, Crackle and Pop!

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Advertisers often use trios. They know they work.

Numbering your points might sound rather formal but it helps the listener to see where you’re going and helps them to remember. It also helps the listener realize there’s a limit to how long they will need to listen to you.

“There are three main reasons why I think we should support this project. First ...”

This assures your listeners that you’re not talking off the top of your head. You have thought through the issue and respect the fact that they have limited time.

“Well, it may rain; the hotel may be awful; I’ll hate the food and it will be so expensive.”

It’s a wonder some people ever get out of bed! Or get in it, for that matter!

A really good argument, however, will seek to respond to those points that may be raised by the other side. Indeed, if you’re able to present the argument against your proposal and then dismiss it that can take the wind out of your opponent’s sails. If they try to repeat the argument then it sounds as if they’re being repetitious and those listening will already have a negative view about it.

There’s obviously a slight danger here. If you go on too much about the other side’s arguments you may start sowing seeds of doubt into your listener. You may even give opponents a good idea about arguments to use against you! I suggest two key rules:

• Don’t raise a counter-argument unless you have a good response to it.

• Do raise a counter-argument if there’s an obvious response.

There are, however, dangers with humor. Two in particular come to mind. First, it might distract those listening to you. I’m sure we have all heard talks and at the end said, “That was hilarious, but what was it he was saying?” That might not matter if you’re just trying to get people to like you, for example, if you’re running for an election. But it does if you’re trying to get a serious point across. So using jokes as light-hearted contrast is something to be encouraged, but don’t overdo it.

Secondly, it is generally best to avoid “cruel” humor.

Making an unpleasant remark about the person you’re disagreeing with may generate a quick laugh, but it’s unlikely to endear you or your argument to those listening and is certainly unlikely to mean you’ll have a productive discussion with the person you’re talking to. You want people laughing with you, not at your opponent.

For many of us there are words or images or smells that convey a host of emotions. Not for nothing do real estate agents suggest brewing coffee or baking bread just before a potential purchaser comes to look at a house. Advertisers pay huge sums for celebrities to promote their product and they think carefully of the associations that are drawn. With one figure you may immediately think of reliability and trustworthiness and so they’re used to promote financial products. Another personality is associated with beauty or sexiness and so they’re used to promote a perfume.

So when making arguments make use of positive associations. What association do you want with your argument? Are you wanting to appear ruthless? Kindly? Financially astute? Associate your argument with things that your listeners will associate with a particular attribute.

Think carefully about the words you use. As we all know, words can convey a loaded meaning. Tabloid writers know this well:

“PERVERT STALKS TEENS”

is a far more eye-catching headline than:

“MAN FOUND LOITERING OUTSIDE SCHOOL”

The use of words can be very important. When thinking about how to express your argument choose the words that express the case strongly. Sometimes an ear-catching phrase can win an argument more effectively than a hundred statistics.

Yet we all know that tempers are one of the first things lost in many arguments. It’s easy to say one should keep cool, but how do you do it?

The first point to remember is that sometimes in arguments the other person is trying to get you to be angry. They may be saying things that are deliberately designed to annoy you. They know that if they get you to lose your cool you’ll say something that sounds foolish; you’ll simply get angry and then it will be impossible for you to win the argument. Notice how rarely politicians get angry. They know that appearing to lose their cool will cost them any appeal with voters. So don’t fall for it. A remark may be made to incite your anger, but responding with a cool answer that focuses on the issue raised is likely to be most effective. Indeed any perceptive listener will admire the fact that you didn’t “rise to the bait.”

If you feel yourself getting angry, keep calm and focused on the issue. If the person has said something personal against you, ignore it.

Tom here has ignored Bob’s insult and returned to the theme. He could so easily have responded with a personal insult in return, but the argument would have gone nowhere. Of course, it may be that Bob returns with more personal insults in which case it may be best for Tom to stop the argument.

Secondly, get to know the warning signs. There are normally some physical sensations associated with getting angry: your face feels hot, your heart rate increases, you feel heightened emotions. Get to know what it feels like for you to begin to feel angry so that you can put in early preventive measures.

Also watch out for situations, words or issues that get you worked up. Some people react angrily if their authority is threatened, if their integrity is questioned, or if they feel they are being told what to do. It will be different for each person. If you know those situations you can watch out for them.

Thirdly, if you feel your pulse racing and you’re beginning to get angry, keep quiet. Take a deep breath. It may be that the best thing to do is to say: “I think we should talk about this another time.” If necessary, walk away. Go and get a drink of water or, if possible, lie down. Keep saying to yourself: “I’m not going to get angry about this” (not too loudly though!).

Walking away might not be the ideal thing to do but it will nearly always be better than getting angry. You’ll be able to address the issue better once you’ve calmed down. If you can’t do that then count to ten slowly, or make a mental list of your friends. Do something to take your mind off angry thoughts. Plan in advance what you will think about if you feel yourself getting angry.

Fourthly, it may well help saying aloud that what the person has said has upset you. Admitting that you are upset will help you and help the other person understand the effect the conversation is having on you. You can acknowledge the other person’s views quite simply:

“I realize what you have just said is your religious view, but I’m very upset by it.”

Fifthly, keep your voice quiet and well modulated. Many people who shout are unaware they’re doing so. If you think you’re speaking forcefully, you’re probably shouting. So deliberately speak quietly.

It’s very tempting to match the volume and tone of the person talking to you. If they start speaking more loudly you tend to, too. Watch out for this. Don’t let their anger create your anger.

• Don’t sit or stand too close to the person you’re talking to.

• Sit or stand opposite them.

• Use some, but not too much, eye contact.

• Use open body posture: don’t cross your arms across your chest.

Similarly watch out for these signs from the person you’re talking to:

• Are their arms crossed over their chest? If so, this suggests tension.

• Do they look shifty or uncomfortable? That could indicate they’re not being entirely open.

• Use analogies. When Microsoft was asked to bundle other companies” software with its browsers, Bill Gates said that it was like “requiring Coke to ship two cans of Pepsi with every six-pack.” This immediately understandable analogy made the point really well. Avoid clichés. Create your own analogy. If you’re trying to make the point that the other person is trying to achieve the impossible, try to think of an appropriate analogy with a well-known person.

• Use “intensifiers.” These are words that have a strong association. Avoid words like “very” or “a lot” and choose words that convey a meaning dramatically. Have a look at the words used by advertisers. Bleaches don’t just clean, they “destroy bacteria”; moisturizers don’t just moisturize, they “soften” and “hydrate.”

• Choose terminology carefully. Anyone who follows debates will become familiar with the battle over which terminology should be used. Consider, for example, the language used in the abortion debate: is it a fetus or an unborn child? Each side seeks to use their terminology because, consciously or not, it can affect the way the argument is looked at. Be careful not to adopt the terminology of the other person as it can skew the debate.

Words, too, can be important in answers to arguments. Consider these two responses from a chair of a meeting:

“We have before us a carefully researched and well-argued proposal.”

This statement may make it far more likely the proposal will be accepted than:

“Right, well, that was ... err ... interesting. Is there anyone else who wants to speak in favor of it or shall we move on?”

You can be in little doubt where Bob’s sympathies lie, but he’s not telling you directly what to think. He’s leaving it to you to work it out for yourself. Of course, he has set down a clear path he wants your thinking to follow.