Calling back to societies influenced by Confucius, for example, there is a significant importance placed on examinations. The Confucian examination system originally started during the Sui dynasty (581–618 CE) and fully developed during the Qing dynasty, some scholars note, and could be the reason for the school curriculum many Confucian-influenced societies have today.¹

As mentioned in Chapter 4, those who passed the Imperial Palace (jinshi) examinations (the highest level after several local and regional examinations) became the most important people in China's educated class and became important members of the Chinese bureaucracy. Others who did not make it to this level or chose not to still held significant positions of leadership in their villages and became teachers, a highly respected position. Some scholars contend this civil service examination was an attempt to change to a more merit-based system—a way for even the poorest family to attain the ranks of the educated elite; it was often the main reason why people went to school in the first place. Doing all you can to attain high marks was, thus, important not only to oneself but for one's entire family; one can extrapolate how this system for social mobility is reflected today.

When Marina was working with a Colombian American student, the student, “Anne,” received a 640 in her Verbal/English and an 800 in her Math section of the SAT I. Anne decided she was not going to retake the SAT as it was too difficult to prepare for, and she would rather focus her energy on other aspects of her life. Even though she was a straight A student and valedictorian in her class at an international school in Colombia, she came to terms with the fact that certain schools might not accept her based on the statistical admissions figures that showed students with the highest SAT scores and highest grades were the most admitted. Her parents supported her decision and hoped for the best.

When Anne received her acceptances, she was most excited about Brown University and Duke University, the two schools with programs that most appealed to her, despite their being very different environments (in curriculum, university culture, etc.). She got rejected from Harvard. She wasn't thrilled about it as she still hoped that Harvard would see past her scores (and she knew it was hard to say why she got rejected). After careful discussion with her family, she decided on Duke.

For a similar-in-profile Korean American student that same year, Su Ban, the idea of not taking another test would mean that she was not trying hard enough, not taking her life and career and academic attainment seriously, giving up, and thus was bringing some level of nuanced shame to her family. Su Ban worked even harder and asked her parents for more sessions with a tutor, and retook the SAT I, this time moving her Verbal/English score to a 760.

For many students in Korea, and especially many of those Confucian-influenced test-oriented societies, this is the norm; to pass up an opportunity to attend an Ivy League university, when all it takes is just to work a little harder, is uncommon. I mean, “Why not?” as one parent posed.

In Mexico and other Latin American countries, there is often a gender disparity that could be more common for the upper class. For boys, you can study one of five subjects: medicine, law, architecture, business, or engineering. If you're an artist, it's not uncommon to hear parents recommending architecture as the creative option. For girls, there's a sense that they'll stop working anyway as they're expected to get married and have children. Often in such cases, students may feel directed in a way that doesn't feel authentic to them.

Understanding the significant value on testing to move up in social mobility is still evident today in such cultures with this shared history. It's a good reminder to educators that often decisions that may seem like families are putting undue pressure on the children are coming from centuries of social norms that actually helped societies at the time to have order and opportunities for many. Though one could argue that such systems influenced a perverse approach to educational testing (heightened anxiety, value on self, especially regarding one's intelligence, or whether someone deserves to be in “good” schools, as some examples), as in the case with many Asian societies, Confucian values not only encourage knowledge but also integrity and character building, giving priority not to the individual but to the family, community, and world; his sayings are often quoted today by world leaders on peace, love, politics, and trustworthiness.²

CONCEPT OF SACRIFICE

Families from all cultures have worked hard to provide for their children in the best way they know how or with the situations that are presented to them, despite whether they succeed in trying to make the situation better.

One educator pointed out that in her work at an Ivy League institution as a dean and an advisor to students, she worked with “John,” a student who was a second-generation immigrant from China. His family had made significant sacrifices (moving to a new country, long hours at work) to give him an education and pave the path for him to be an engineer, one of the acceptable career choices in some cultures. He did not want to go that route and felt enormous pressure from his parents to be something or someone he did not want to be.

John had fallen in love with history and though unsure of his career, knew analyzing history brought him significant joy. The fact that he wasn't as talented in math compared to some of his classmates made him feel inadequate, but in history, he thrived. His parents wanted him to work harder, asked his advisor at school to encourage him to do so, and followed up with his counselor about how they wanted him to apply to the most selective engineering schools. John keenly felt the burden of his parents’ sacrifice—one he witnessed daily, seeing them work long hours to pay for his education—on his shoulders. He felt trapped, and, unfortunately, developed suicidal thoughts from this pressure.

Often in East Asian families, there's a general implicit understanding that the children are obligated to “pay back” their parents by finding their own joy and success. However, cultural values on prestige can cause this joy and success to be interpreted narrowly as needing to be one that leaves the next generation in a better position financially and the reputation of the family in higher social status.

In cases like this, some counselors have found it helpful to recognize that culture is also nuanced by socioeconomic status, race, ethnicity, location, etc., as well as other attributes of an individual. Useful tips can be:

• Recognize where the parents are coming from—for example, that they desire financial stability in their only child, that there's a sense the son will carry on their family line.
• Show and explicitly state that you are one team.
• List some college options where students can study both history and engineering, making sure there are some brand-names or recognizable schools on the list.
• Discuss how U.S. colleges are set up in a way where students can explore more disciplines and can change majors. Present statistics that show even when they do major in an academic discipline, most do not end up working in that field.
• Find statistics for successful careers for those with history knowledge that would classify as one of the acceptable careers, which mainly means medicine, law, engineering, finance, and business.

  SAMPLE SCRIPT (Appendix 2 has some common greetings and gestures):

  “Hello —.

  (One common greeting in the Chinese style; shake their hand with your right, then cup the person's hand with your left and give a light bow. If they give you a business card, take it with both hands respectfully and look at both sides of the card. Put the card carefully in your wallet or on your desk if you don't have a safe place readily available.

  The point of this exercise is to give a feeling of comfort to some parents who may especially feel lost in an English-speaking setting; for higher income/more affluent families, they may not appreciate it as much as they will pride themselves more in knowing English.)

  “Thank you for coming in today to discuss your child's college process and options.”

  (Talk about things that are not confrontational briefly. The weather, celebrations coming up, etc.)

  “We noticed you want a different set of schools on his list. I appreciate his interest in engineering. My main concern is that his heart doesn't seem to be in it. I understand though the need for that security that can be found in certain fields like engineering.

  “We've also seen his talent in history, and he has a passion for it. We'd like to suggest that he applies to some colleges that have programs in both. This way, it'll be more helpful for him in his application and, more importantly, give a sense of control over this college process, which is important for students and their mental health. Plus, he'll have a higher chance of getting in. Don't worry. He'll still have a strong engineering/engineering-related option there, too.”

  (Suggest a few schools they may be somewhat familiar with. They're not necessarily looking for diversity of options but a list of familiar options, often found in ranking lists.)

As some cultures value the bosses more (e.g., many Asian countries), you may need the input from the school director, principal, or head to convince some families effectively.

It is important to note that when a student is applying to colleges in the UK, Canada, and United States the word “college” means something very different. In the UK, college is the two years before “uni,” where the students prepare the university exams; it can also mean a technical school. In Canada, it does mean a technical school. In the United States, it is a university.

You become more credible in the parents’ eyes when you use correct terminology. Not only are you trying to be sensitive culturally, you are knowledgeable. They may more likely believe what you say.

When college counselors support students to build a school list, many counselors would concur that many families (e.g., East Asian and some Southeast Asian, but not limited to those cultures), would have an unbalanced list or would want to apply to all the Ivy's or similar. Among many perceptions, often there could be a sense that the parents don't understand what it takes to get into these schools as well as that the parents aren't seeing their child in a realistic way. Educators may sense the parents are adding pressure to the child or only obsessed with rankings or brand names rather than what's a good fit for the child's development.

For many Latin American families, the concept of enlaces familiares profundos, vinculos familiares, or lazos familiares, meaning a profound connection to family and friends, runs deep, extending even from first to fifth cousins or distant friends. They often rely on each other or their friends on the names of a “good” school. For them, rather than necessarily looking at ranking, they may feel more comfortable with schools that a relative or someone they know went to, which is not the case for many Asians, speaking broadly.

For Arab families, there is a common phrase, Al-ain mighrafet al-kalam, which literally means “the eye is the spoon of speech.” Seeing people when they are speaking is important, as a lot of nonverbal communications can be observed. When counselors discuss school lists or student performance and competitiveness for schools, showing them your face and being sincere will help them develop more trust in you.

Understanding such layers of sacrifice and significance to a college list can provide some context on building the right “fit” school list for families. It can be complicated. If not done well, the families may distrust the school/college counselor or think the counselor is unaware of the cultural elements and, therefore, has different values and is not reliable.

GENERAL VIEW OF ACCOUNTABILITY

Especially when the stakes feel so high, there can be a blame game when the students don't get into the “good” schools.

Some view the role of teachers/counselors as one to motivate the child: it's not my child's fault for not working hard enough or getting good grades and is not competitive enough now for college. It was the teachers’ lack of providing inspiration or motivating the child that has caused this, calling back to the cultures who believe their obligations of roles. This is more common in collectivist societies.

Other countries may have a starkly opposite view. How my child performs is up to my child. The whole application process is in their hands, reflecting the American sense of individuality and independence and learning from mistakes.

This echoes research³ that shows that Chinese parents see themselves as responsible for their children's successes and failures and believe that success is based on one's hard work. Support to this particular parent meant hand-holding the student throughout the process, helping choose schools, discussing essay topics, and helping move things along as efficiently as possible for and with the child. If you asked her, she would say that she was letting the child run the show, however. Her perception of support was within her own culturally influenced framework as the mother who should support the child's academic growth,⁴ and echoed in “Parenting Attributions and Attitudes in Cross-Cultural Perspective” by Bornstein, Putnick, and Lansford,⁵ but her child is writing the essays, asking their own questions, etc. This also calls back to individualistic versus collectivist cultures where the former values/traits considered “good” are autonomy, independence, and self-sufficiency.

In a college brainstorming session, as a part of an empathy exercise to help parents understand what students may go through when asked difficult soul-searching college essay questions, parents were asked what kind of descriptions they would write about themselves. Many who came from an individualistic culture described themselves having traits that were mainly about them. Descriptions included, “I enjoy singing and like to think I have a sense of humor. Other parents write, “I try to be there for my husband and children, or I take care of my children.” For the parent who felt the need to stand by the student's side, sometimes literally, during the admissions process, the parent sees themselves as a mother, a father, a grandmother, uncle, etc., first.

With many collectivist-influenced families, talking about accountability as “we” and “us” while still making clear your role as a counselor (that you do not influence admissions office, there are no negotiations, cannot guarantee acceptance, etc.) can be an effective way to show the “village” mentality but still clearly define your role. The team effort against all odds, whether or not the student is ultimately accepted, often will be appreciated.

Many parents of similar backgrounds echoed similar messages. However, not all parents from the same cultural background would behave the same way as this particular Chinese American mother had. It's important to note again that we shouldn't assume or judge that just because someone is from a certain cultural or racial background, then they must hold certain values and the different values are better or worse, necessarily.

What can be helpful is to set clear guidelines on your role, as some families are unsure what your role and responsibilities may be or the extent to which you have them.

• State your role: what you do and why. Have this available in different languages.
• Encourage parents/students to share information that can be helpful (divorce, unusual situation, illness). This can be a sensitive topic so it's been effective to say, “Some parents, though they weren't comfortable at first, shared that the family was going through a hostile divorce. Such information can be helpful in understanding certain behavioral patterns or application content of the student, and therefore be helpful.”
• Be frank early on regarding competitiveness of college admissions, particularly for certain schools, so students have time to improve.

SCRIPT

“It's great to see you Mr./Mrs. X. I'm happy to answer questions you have. I thought I'd start out by saying more of my role and what I can do to support your child.

My role as a college counselor is … (say your responsibilities to set expectations, as doing so will help the parents manage expectations; some may have a different idea of what your role and responsibilities are; some examples are below).

• Offer advice on course selection during their time at school.
• Create career goals and plans.
• Meet three times throughout the year.
• Help build a college list by offering 20 to 30 schools based on the responses from the college questionnaire.
• Review essays two times over the summer but won't be making major edits.
• Write a counselor recommendation that consists of various teacher comments throughout the time the student has attended this school as well as from the college questionnaire responses (yours and students).
• I also advocate for your child by not only writing these recommendations but on occasion being on a call with admissions offices.

Research on their own a list of 20 to 30 schools we provide and choose which ones they like and why (show students how to do the research, especially if the students are used to different ways of approaching it based on experience from their previous country would be helpful; showing students what “flexible” or “research” means can be helpful as well).

“We encourage parents to support students to initiate and act on their own but to ask us questions when they need it.”

As in many cultures, taking initiative or asking questions can make parents feel they are bothering the teacher or being rude. It's important to acknowledge this. For example, you may say,

“I know you and your child(ren) always try to be so considerate and not bother me. I want to reassure you that you are not, and I prefer that I'm asked questions now and not have misunderstanding later.”

For cultures that may have a more collectivist idea toward education especially, you may want to say:

“We are a team working together to support your child through a complicated process.”

For some families coming from a culture where there's a sense that it's mainly your responsibility and not the child's to complete the process successfully, you may want to say:

“Your child is the main person on the team and we're supporters. We can all guide your child on which direction to take, but it will ultimately need to be your child who wants to receive the guidance.”

Questions to ask parents:

• This is a question for more of the affluent families of certain cultures, though not limited to them: What are your expectations of me as the college counselor/guidance counselor? What role do you plan to play, if you have an idea now, in the admissions process?
  • Some parents will have no idea and will defer to you, each though with different reasons. Some because they honestly have no idea, and if they knew, they would be more involved; in some cultures, they may defer to you because teachers are the ones who are supposed to guide the student's educational pursuits and not the parents, especially when it comes to college admissions or pedagogical issues. You would often hear, “You're the teacher; whatever you think is best,” that also implies “You should be making the decisions. Why are you asking me?” Some of this may be reflected more in the Singaporean, Turkish, South Korean, and Malaysian cultures.
• As I advocate for your child, it might also help if you can share anything that has had a personal impact on the children, including divorce, separation, a difficult situation, etc., only if you feel comfortable.
  • You might want to add in a couple short anecdotes so they can see this is a norm. For example, there was a family Marina worked with who was going through a hostile divorce. This impacted the children in ways that was confusing to teachers in that the girls always looked tired after the weekend. They traveled six hours every weekend to see their father and sometimes came back late at night on Sunday/early morning on Monday. You could give such an anecdote and say that “because the teacher knew this, he made slight adjustments to the weekend homework for all the students.” This gives a sense to the parents that there was no backlash. This could help some cultures that are generally more private like the Ukrainian or Russian.
• For the more affluent families in certain cultures, like those of Latin America, there could be a misunderstanding that money can buy paths in to opportunities, as it does in their country. They may ask how much it would cost to have the student attend a certain school. It would be good here to emphasize that there is no shortcut to admissions.

When giving feedback about student performance as it relates to college applications, it's best to focus on the facts. Many parents want facts and anything less than an A is not “good” when discussing the grades.

When Marina was speaking with a Russian immigrant parent and a Chinese immigrant parent one week, both of whom had parent-teacher conferences that week, they both said how the students are doing great and were happy with the meeting. The teachers seemed generally happy with the progress of the students. Marina asked them to follow up with the teacher to find out about the grades for the class. They were both surprised each of their children were earning a B. They were confused at why the teacher would say that their child was doing great. If they had known earlier, they would have talked with the student. At that point, they thought the students had ruined their chances for a highly selective school.