Often parents are pressured themselves from their own respective societies, and as they want the best for their children, do not want their children to be on the sidelines. These “high stakes” can be reinforced by cultural values related to prestige as well as a higher tolerance for unequal distributions of power and resources.

This relation to “status” often surfaces in relation to competitive admissions for schools at the secondary or tertiary level and can be apparent particularly when stakeholders have an incomplete picture of the landscape of educational options. This cultural pressure often can be normalized through company recruiting practices as well as signals from political figures. In employment recruitment fairs in China, some companies state they will only accept résumés from graduates from one of the 50 highest-ranking universities in the QS World Ranking. Marina remembers having lunch with a former Korean Minister of Education during her graduate studies. He mentioned how proud he was that the two universities with the highest number of Koreans and Korean Americans were Harvard and Berkeley. This pride in “brand-name” universities would be difficult to imagine coming from a U.S. Secretary of Education given the lower power distance within mainstream American culture.

This pressure from the top quickly becomes internalized by students. Marina worked closely with “Mi Sook,” a Korean student who went to a highly prestigious New England boarding school. Mi Sook was invited to a conference in Seoul for students studying abroad. Tables of students started to gather, many of whom wore sweatshirts with the names of the boarding school or college they attended.

Mi Sook was not wearing any identifying clothing and received a suspicious look when she approached one table. A girl asked her bluntly, “What school do you attend?”

Satisfied with Mi Sook's reply, the other girl continued, “That's a relief. We'd love to invite you to sit here. We're trying to keep this section reserved only for students who go to the top schools.” Mi Sook sat down and started to engage with the group, seeing other students repeatedly turned away when their school didn't have the same recognition.

For many families and in our current society, there is a status stratification based on the school the child attends. Along with the feelings of pride, the prospect of a better job and higher pay can be essential for survival for many families, even beyond financial stability. For well-resourced international families, adding a global experience at the “right” school to a student's résumé is seen as a ready pathway to a better job. Additionally, prestigious schools are seen as a means for social mobility, a common pull factor for many immigrant families.

For some traditionally Confucian cultures, a “brand-name” education can have impact beyond the student. A child attending a prestigious university provides a signal that the family has performed their roles appropriately, and is deserving of an exalted status. The value of an adult's relationship to their children can be seen in language constructs, as many Korean parents will refer to themselves as “Harry's mom/dad.” Oftentimes, they will “lose” their own given name, and only be known by their role in the family, reflecting the importance of this tie.

This is well illustrated in the case of the Korean figure skater Yuna Kim. Yuna became a national icon with an impressive record of finishing second at the 2004–2005 Junior Grand Prix Final, which earned Korea's first international medal. She had a tremendously successful career, capped by winning the gold medal at the 2010 Winter Olympics in Vancouver.¹ In the United States, biographies and autobiographies of such figures are common. However, in South Korea, a book about Yuna's mother became a national bestseller.²

As mentioned in previous chapters, in some collectivist-leaning cultures, the way a child performs reflects the entire family. This is their reality and their values that stem from hundreds of years of social imprinting. Thus, attending what they may value as a highly selective school in their society or family is of utmost importance.

Even the school list in and of itself is important, as it can offend parents and deflate a student's confidence completely if the “right” schools are not on the list. One way for educators to suggest “acceptable” schools is to start with the names the families may be the most familiar with, and of those, find the schools with different tiers of selectivity that may be the best fit. The following script may help set the stage for this conversation.

SCRIPT

First, ask in a questionnaire or discussion what students’ definitions of “success” are and why. If they use words like, “get into a ‘good’ school,” ask what makes up a good school and why those traits are important before asking what they are considering as good schools.

This is where many families may think you don't understand “their cultural value” if they need to explain something that's naturally assumed in their culture. This is where you could say, “We are familiar with the many reasons why this is important to you, but we found it helpful to the students if the parents can honestly articulate the why. We also found it healthier for the family to evaluate and critically analyze their own reasons.”

This is something most families understand and it is a great way to help them see where their anxiety, if they have it, is coming from and evaluate the pressure on the students and whether it's worth it.

Although Korea and China have been mentioned as examples, mainly in the light of high academic standards, it is important to note that such experiences are not exclusive to these countries nor should they be categorized as ones who only care, if at all, about brand-name schools or prestige.

What it does do is show what's true of families, the parents love for and desire to want the best for their children whatever they have come to think is the best, and when speaking with parents, that's what should be kept in mind.