6
Tailoring Your Communication to Your Identity
Our personal identities are not just an accessory to our communication; they inform our unique perspectives, leadership styles, and goals. We may perceive elements of our identities that we don't think twice about when communicating as leaders (for example, my well-known love of caffeine rarely comes up), but often we will need to reconcile core elements of who we are with best practices for how to communicate the ideas that matter to us.
In this chapter, we cover some special topics that arise when you are leading in your non-native language, when you are an LGBTQ leader, when you are a woman or female-identifying leader, a veteran, or a rookie leader. We urge you to review these sections even if you don't consider yourself a member of these groups. You may find that some of the best practices we offer will serve your communication, but more importantly, we hope they will broaden your perspective on the communication challenges that your colleagues, mentees, and direct reports might face. Our identities exist in constant conversation with our environments, so as always, use these suggestions as a starting point for how to navigate your personal identity within the context where you lead.
Leading in Your Second (or Third, or Fourth) Language
In our increasingly global world, many of us may find ourselves presenting, speaking, negotiating, writing, studying, or working in a language that is not our native tongue. When you are leading in a language that is not your own, it's important to remember that except where it impedes clarity, your identity—your accent, your traditions, your values—are central to the leadership you offer. When students ask me if they should try to reduce or change their accents, I unequivocally answer no. Your accent tells part of your story. It informs the path you took to arrive at your current leadership moment. And it offers useful context to your peers. Claim your international identity and own it proudly.
The only reason you might want to approach your leadership differently than a native speaker is if others have difficulty understanding your ideas. Clarity is key—be sure you can be understood in the dominant language of the group.
If you are writing, seek out a coach who can encourage you to clarify unwieldy word choices or awkward constructions. A copy editor—someone who simply corrects your work—will not be as helpful to your progress as a coach who corrects the first paragraph of your piece, then lets you correct the second. Seek to understand why corrections are offered, and with repeated practice, you'll be able to write more clearly without the assistance of a coach.
Sometimes while presenting, you might find that adding a few extra words to your slides can clarify a word that's hard for you to pronounce. For example, if you know it's difficult for you to pronounce “flamingo,” you might consider adding an image of a flamingo or simply the written word to aid your audience's comprehension.
Leading as an LGBTQ Person
In 2016 two of my colleagues, Sarah Soule and Tom Wurster, launched a bold new executive program, the first of its kind: a week-long summer institute for LGBTQ leaders. This straight tenured ally and gay former Boston Consulting Group managing director did more to change the dialogue about LGBTQ leaders at Stanford (and beyond) than any other single program or effort to date. Their vision was clear: to provide support and education for senior leaders aspiring to be in the C suite, but not yet there. As of 2019 only three publicly traded firms are led by out LGBTQ leaders: Tim Cook at Apple, Jim Fitterling at Dow, and Beth Ford at Land O'Lakes. We truly have a great need to change the pipeline.
Sarah and Tom invited me to be a part of the inaugural faculty group and have continued to invite me back each year. Through this work with hundreds of remarkable executives from across the globe, I was able to craft and polish the model that follows in this section. Each year it changes a bit more, but I'm delighted with what has evolved and have shared it with both gay and ally leaders at a wide range of firms, including Amgen, Bloomberg, Bristol-Meyers Squib, and Google, as well as non-profits like Columbia University, Out & Equal, Reaching Out MBA, and the Victory Fund.
Many leaders not in the LGBTQ community have remarked that the model I'm about to share doesn't just apply to the LGBTQ community, but to all of us. While I concur, I continue to teach this model specifically to the LGBTQ leaders I serve, using unique examples from that community. As a gay man myself, I entered and matured in the workforce with few mentors and role models to guide me. That is why those resources I did have stood out to me as particularly valuable. In the early 1990s, I worked at three different educational firms for Mark Mishkind, who was my first out gay mentor. He offered me more than I think he knows about the challenge of leading in spite of marginalization. A full 15 years later in 2007, when I was hired at the GSB, I was still the first out gay faculty member the school had ever appointed. I did learn later an out lesbian had retired that spring, but for many years, we two were the sum total of the GSB's out LGBTQ hires. While younger leaders today have many more examples to rely upon than I had, marginalization still exists, particularly when we look at this personal identity on a global scale. That is why providing resources that speak to this community continues to be crucial.
Begin with a blank white canvas. For me this represents authenticity. I strongly urge all gay leaders to decide for themselves what is authentic. Some are closeted at work and out in other parts of their lives; some are introverts, others extroverts; some are more discreet while others, like me, bring up my husband and kids when appropriate in a business context (like right here!). But leaders must do the important “inside job” of deciding who they are and what aspects of their gender identity and sexual orientation they wish to share with their world at work. While I am a huge advocate, on a cultural and corporate level, that we should all be “out and proud,” on an individual level I recognize that this choice is highly personal. No one can force a choice of expression on another. We all must come to our own decision of what works for us and what is authentic for us.
And while I have amassed a large number of communication examples from leaders in the gay community, I also think we lose our individuality if we try to present exactly like Frances Frei or Megan Rapinoe or Pete Buttigieg or Maeve DuVally or any of the tens of thousands of other out LGBTQ leaders I could name. We must all be our own authentic selves first and foremost. Against this canvas of authenticity, however, I see four distinctions that can help leaders expand their presence as someone who happens to be LGBT and/or Q. On top of this blank canvas I illustrate the LGBTQ Leadership Presence Radar, which contains four points: Confidence, Competence, Connection, and Clarity (Figure 6.1). Each of these four dimensions provides unique challenges and opportunities for leaders like me. While a perfect lavender diamond is aspirational (like mastery, perfection never comes), it points a direction for leaders to pursue.
Figure 6.1 Lavender diamond of LGBTQ presence
(Side note: Over time, “LGBTQ Leadership Presence Radar” became too much of a mouthful to say (or remember) so now I simply call this the Lavender Diamond framework or “The 4 C's.” The original illustration of this framework was inspired by the work of Daniel Diermeier in his stellar book Reputation Rules. He created the Trust Radar for crisis communication, which had the elements of empathy, transparency, expertise, and commitment. The greater leaders score on these four points, the greater trust they build with the community. I encourage you to read his book, particularly if looking at the art of communication and management in a crisis.)
Confidence: Stepping into Your Power as a Leader
We've already covered much of this concept earlier in our book, but it's a different issue for those who don't identify as straight. Many of us have for years heard negative messages about our being gay or coming out. Whether overt or subtle, almost every gay person I know has experienced some level of homophobia, heterosexism, or (at its worst) outright discrimination or violence. Often, this comes at the hands of family members or religious leaders whom we may cherish and respect. This can result in an experience of internalized homophobia (defined as the involuntary belief by members of the gay community that the homophobic lies, stereotypes, and myths about them are true). When we have a strong interior voice saying, “You aren't good enough,” it's really challenging to step past that and put yourself out in the world as a leader, even if you're not discussing issues related to your sexual orientation or gender expression. So the first step for many in our community is to “go within before going out” and be clear about our choices and intentions in communication. This doesn't require counseling or therapy (though that has massively helped me), but it does likely involve conversations with others. Relying on a mentor you respect or your significant other can empower you to be ready to share powerfully from this place.
Once this step is complete, I point people to the guidance and resources covered in our earlier chapter on anxiety management. As we discussed in our earlier conversation about anxiety management, I do find that striking expansive power poses and reframing the thought “I am anxious” to “I am excited” are two of the most powerful and actionable elements to consider.
Finally, I challenge leaders to consider: “If not you, who?” It may be uncomfortable to be the first openly trans leader in a firm or industry, but somebody must go first. And, by going first, we honor our LGBTQ ancestors who came before us and may inspire the younger generation to go even further. Each year I get to address the NextGen Leaders group (https://leadnextgen.org/), which brings together a diverse and inspiring group of LGBTQ leaders under 30 to help hone their leadership skills. I remind them that they stand on the shoulders of greatness. Were it not for Bayard Rustin, Maggie Stumpp, Audrey Lourde, Harvey Milk, and others, we would not enjoy the rights and privileges we have won. We owe it to them to make the most of the rich opportunity we've been given.
Finally, it bears repeating: Anxiety is not just common … it's natural. Courageous leaders don't speak and write without fear, but in spite of it. Be bold. Be confident. Step up. Speak out.
Clarity: Removing Doubt and Ambiguity from Your Communication
Strong leaders deliver clear, unambiguous messages that we can easily recall. In 2018 Frances Frei broke decades of tradition at TED with her talk: She used a blackboard! She also provided a beautiful system for structuring messages with your main point first, diagrammed as a triangle. She recounted the story of her year-long sabbatical from Harvard Business School to take on the senior vice presidency for leadership and strategy at embattled rideshare company Uber. She wove the need for clarity and authenticity together beautifully. One iconic moment is when she guides leaders to make their points at the beginning of their remarks in a meeting; that way, if you get cut off, you will still get credit for having made the point.
It often takes more time to write and speak clearly. It requires drafts and revisions. It often involves getting tough feedback from others, then iterating based on that input. But by following the approaches we advocate throughout this book, you can make your points clear, memorable, and actionable. One such example is Erin Uritus's 2018 address to the entire Out and Equal Conference at their annual summit. With rich rhetoric, she was able to introduce herself, honor her predecessor, and call the audience to engage more deeply. This feat proved particularly challenging as a bisexual in the LGBTQ community; I've had some bisexual students say it feels like the LGTQ community.
Competence: Increasing Credibility Through Good Work and Good Prep
As we round the corners of the diamond, we come to competence. In my view, competence has two components. The first is communication competence (or mastery, if you will) in writing and speaking—the core subject of this book. If you struggle with writing skills or fear public speaking, it's crucial to advance yourself where you struggle. Seek out a coach, take a course, establish a peer relationship for accountability; do whatever it takes so that your competence as a communicator won't be questioned. When I read an email with typos in it, or hear a speaker using frequent filler words, I begin to question the credibility of the leader. Even as an educator I don't give room for “a good try” or people who have “gifts in other areas”; I wonder why nobody has proofed their work or coached their delivery. We all must communicate all the time; it's the one skill that translates across all fields and careers. We need to get this one right, particularly the higher we climb in an organization. Leaders experience scrutiny in so many ways. We do not need to hand our critics reasons to doubt us. Remember Kim Scott's story about Sheryl Sandberg's feedback on Kim's “um's” that we covered earlier. It's up to us to shore up the basics of leadership communication. You likely know this since you are reading this book, but it's important enough that it bears repeating.
But the second aspect of competence is even more crucial for LGBTQ leaders: being technically competent at our jobs. When we do good work, we increase our credibility more than any other action we can take. It's harder for me to provide clear tips and strategies on this point, because my readers will come from such diverse career fields. You will need to establish the expectations for your particular role, then ensure you can do these effectively. Again, the demand here is not for perfection, but competence. We all need to take on stretch assignments where we don't always know what's expected, but we likewise need to do our best to come up to speed quickly and leave no room for detractors to attack us. This is particularly crucial for those who are the first in a particular firm or career. I felt some of this when I came to Stanford as the first out gay member of the faculty in 2007.
The most vivid example of this that I can recall was from a panel at the December 2016 Victory Fund conference. This event, just weeks after the election of President Trump, was expected to be a celebration of sorts—but the outcome of the election changed all that. Conference organizers scrambled to revise the agenda so that it met the needs of our new reality as an LGBTQ community. One panel at the event was comprised of six ambassadors who had been appointed by President Obama. All six gay men knew they were going to be displaced on the day of Trump's inauguration. They shared powerful stories of what it was like to serve as out gay leaders in such high-profile positions, sometimes in countries where the culture did not embrace same-sex relationships. Two of the ambassadors, James Brewster (assigned to the Dominican Republic) and Ted Osius (assigned to Vietnam), spoke of being in the green room after their senate approval, but before being announced and sworn in. They both knew they were going to countries that would be unlikely to embrace (and more likely to oppose) them and their husbands.
Brewster shared with Osius, “We'd better do our jobs really, really well. All eyes will be on us.” In that one statement he beautifully summarized what I mean by the necessity for competence in our profession. Leaders under scrutiny must be competent communicators, but also competent in their jobs. Leave no room for people to have justified cause to criticize; they will find enough unjustified reasons to do so!
Connection: Reaching Your Audience with Vulnerability and Storytelling
Admittedly that last section might feel a bit negative. As my friend and mentor Nancy Duarte says in her book Illuminate, we need to have both “encouraging” and “warning” communications to cause a difference in the world. So let's move from a rather “warning” component of the leadership presence radar to a more encouraging one: telling stories. The easiest tool to connect with your followers is to be a storyteller. Stories bridge the unfamiliar with the familiar; stories entertain, illuminate, and last. Years later my students can recall stories from my teaching more than the actual content or principles I taught. (As long as my stories were there to illustrate a point, I'm fine with that judgment by alumni.)
We've already dedicated some time to storytelling earlier in this section, so here I merely want to emphasize the value and power of authentic stories from our own unique perspective. It's not that as leaders we must tell our entire sordid coming-out story each time we address a group, but rather that we should feel as comfortable sharing stories about our lives, interests, and families just as our non-gay colleagues do. Let me offer two examples from my own life.
When teaching a workshop I will often weave in some elements of my own life. I will say something like, “My husband Ken and I adopted our oldest son from foster care when he was 16. Toby arrived in our home with an unrealistic expectation about what his dads were willing to fork out for sneakers.” These are the opening few lines of a story I tell in my storytelling with data lesson; the relevance is that in his quest for sneakers, Toby shared a TED@IBM talk by Josh Luber with me that changed my view on the value of sneakers on the secondary market. The point I make in class is that Josh used a powerful illustration of data to close his talk, and Toby's reuse of that data on me was compelling. But by adding in that I have a husband and that we have kids through adoption, I connect with other parents in the audience while (perhaps) challenging their stereotypes of gay men. I come out by telling a story that's decidedly not about coming out.
Here's a second example from the spring of 2019. In addition to attending the church my husband pastors, I also attend my own church, a remarkable Roman Catholic parish in the heart of the Castro, Most Holy Redeemer. This year on the feast of Pentecost I hosted a group of Stanford MBA students from the school's Catholic Student Association. I love getting to share the joy and power of MHR with others, especially students who've never seen a gay-friendly Catholic parish. After communion I was standing behind the group of students and looking toward the priest at the altar. I realized that my group not only included several straight students with their young children, but some gay students at different places in their own coming-out processes. By my invitation, I was able to expose all of them to the rare experience of LGBTQ people of faith in a Catholic context. When I tell this story, I'm able to share not just the unexpected intersection of Catholicism and LGBTQ identity, but the commonality of simply “going to church on Sunday.”
Admittedly it may be a bit easier for those of us with spouses and families to “come out with ease” in a talk or blog than it is for single leaders; but with clarity and creativity we can find ways to bring our full selves into our communication. I don't believe I “wear my gay identity” on my sleeve, but I also don't shy away from it. I grew up with a scarcity of role models. I want to do my part to be sure I'm exemplifying the challenges and rewards of my life fully for those with whom I write and speak.
Pulling It All Together: The Lavender Diamond
Over the years this model has evolved quite a bit; the terms shift, the order changes, and the examples are updated each time I teach it. In fact, I hesitated to include this section for fear it would be outdated between when I hit submit on the manuscript and when I held the first printed copy in my hands. But the lesson remains consistent: against a canvas of authenticity we all want to strive to be confident, clear, competent, and connected communicators. The challenges are great, but in my mind even greater for LGBTQ leaders. Yet the rewards for us leaders and those who follow us are worth the risk. Aspire to extend your own lavender diamond a little further each time you write or speak.
Leading as a Woman
Recently a team of students delivered a final presentation in my strategic communication class. The topic they chose to present was “Speech Starters.” Ilana, a first-year student with generally excellent delivery skills, began in role-play mode, pretending to deliver a very poor opening. A peer, Sam, entered the role play by interrupting her after about 30 seconds: “Whoa, whoa, whoa, Ilana, stop. I need you to stop right there. That is not how you want to start a presentation. That was rough. The opener to a presentation is the most important part. Why don't you sit down, take a look, and we'll teach you the right way to start a presentation.” Seven minutes later, after her peers had covered the content of designing a compelling opening, she returned and delivered a great opening (as expected). This “wrong way/interrupt/lesson/right way” construction is common for these final presentations and serves as a playful and easy way to get the class's attention, make some key points, and demonstrate the goal. In fact, Ilana was the perfect foil for Sam's interruption. She is a strong student, and it was fun to see her “bomb on purpose” and be a bit more playful and informal.
But as I reviewed the feedback students gave, I realized an even greater lesson. Several women in the class questioned the need for “one more man to interrupt a woman at the GSB and explain how to do this right.” I had not even considered that interpretation of what took place, but the feedback put into stark relief what so many female leaders face on a daily basis, and which often goes right past their well-meaning male colleagues (like me).
In the current era of #MeToo and #TimesUp, I am pleased that my students have a heightened sense of awareness about these situations, and am even more pleased that they brought it to me and their peers so we could all benefit from the dialogue. In this particular case it was not the intention of Ilana or Sam to be diminishing of her gifts and contribution. The presentation could just as easily featured Ilana interrupting Sam without impacting the content. But I'm glad they made the choice they did, because it allowed me to increase my awareness of some of the subtle and even unconscious bias around communication from a gender perspective. That lesson, for me, will stick much longer than their three steps to make your presentation opener more engaging.
Some readers may ask why I, a white, male baby-boomer academic, am writing on this topic. It's because I see the need in myself and others to approach communication mastery differently. I quickly acknowledge that I don't have the expertise here, but I do know where to find it. Until I began co-teaching with our colleague Allison Kluger, I never really considered the distinction of communicating differently as women or men. She urged me to add a session she would teach just for the women in our class on the topic. Over the years she had a few men request to take it, and she allowed it when there was a compelling reason like “I know I will lead women who will benefit from me knowing this” or “I want to be a better partner to my wife and better understand the challenges she faces.”
One other co-teacher, Stephanie Soler, also engaged this topic during the quarters she taught at the GSB. I credit Stephanie with helping me to better understand this topic by sharing the strength and warmth continuum framework (Figure 6.2) from John Neffinger and Matthew Kohut's book Compelling People.
The authors argue that all of us operate with a mix of strength and warmth. As we become more skilled on each of these axes, we gain admiration from our audience. Neffinger and Kohut's work, based on earlier work by Cuddy, Fiske, and Glick, provides a useful taxonomy for these concepts. However, when working with my female leaders, I often see this as more of a continuum stretching from warmth at one end to strength at the other. I urge women to try to read their audience and engage with more warmth or more strength based on what the situation requires.
The most vivid example I can recall of this principle in action was in 1993, while Hillary Clinton was serving as First Lady and also leading the charge for health care reform. When seated at the senate hearings she would go toe to toe with the primarily male senate. She was prepared, knew her data, and could answer point by point each charge they made. But on the breaks she did not drink coffee from a Styrofoam cup; instead, she had a small pot of tea. She would steep a tea bag, then enjoy her tea in a relatively dainty tea cup that her staff had provided. She seamlessly moved from strength to warmth in moments.
Figure 6.2 Strength/Warmth continuum
Source: Compelling People, Penguin Group, 2013.
As a male ally and advocate for women leaders, I can only go so far. Allison, with her years of experience as a television producer and now university lecturer, can directly and candidly provide students even more. She begins with great research done by Katy Kay and Claire Shipman about how women are less likely to take risks in their careers. They describe how men are willing to apply for a job or promotion even if they have few of the qualifications, while women are unlikely to apply unless they have nearly 100 percent of the qualifications listed. Allison adds to this by saying, “Our biggest obstacle as women is that we have to just opt in and then figure it out.” Allison sees the first step as convincing female leaders that they must apply for these roles and opportunities even if they do not feel they have 100 percent of the qualifications listed. (They likely have more than enough!). She then offers a slew of tips to enable women to be more effective communicators. She has agreed to let me offer several of them here:
- Grasp the landscape. This is something Allison suggests women seem to do intuitively better than men; consider this your superpower. Take note of the setting, players, and issues, and use your knowledge of the terrain to navigate the meeting.
- Reduce the apologies. Too often women apologize unnecessarily. Don't apologize as a way to start or end a conversation. Be accountable for your mistakes, but don't overcorrect.
- Accept compliments. Allison uses a great Amy Schumer video clip to emphasize the self-diminishing impact of not being able to accept a compliment. (You can find it by searching Amy Schumer's name and “compliments.”) Accept and respond to a compliment so that you can own your own power.
- Use humor. Often the warmest way to diffuse a tough situation is through humor. Allison suggests comments like, “John, that sounded really good when I said it ten minutes ago” to remind people of your efforts.
- Manage the interruptions. Research shows that men are more likely to interrupt women than the other way around; prepare for that, preempt it when you can, and call it out gently and firmly when it still occurs. (Humor can help here, too.) See Kara's earlier sidebar on interruption for some additional strategies.
- Speak with certainty. By eliminating qualifying phrases like “perhaps,” “maybe,” and “kind of,” women can speak with greater certainty. It's better, Allison advises, to speak decisively than to waffle.
- Secure a mentor. While many firms and sectors still have a poor record of advancing women to senior leadership, there are more role models today than ever before. Seek out a leader whose style you respect and whose success you admire. Ask for time to be formally or informally mentored as you move up in your career.
- Reflect and iterate. We only get better at skills like this if we commit to growing with each new experience. Just like mastery, perfection never comes, but you can get incrementally better if you build in time to reflect and self-critique after key leadership communication experiences. Consider both what went well and what you can do differently next time. Commit to what you want to start, stop, and continue doing so that over time your presence continues to expand.
Beyond the strategies above, both Allison and Stephanie remind students of the basics of presence. Above all, do nothing to distract from your message: reduce fidgeting and any physical tics like adjusting your clothing or hair. And take simple actions to emphasize your message: crisp, clear gestures; direct eye contact; well-structured answers; and a concise summary of next steps. All of these actions apply equally to men and women, but the scrutiny, somehow, remains higher for women in the workplace.
I'll offer a final story to illustrate what I mean here. For one academic year I reduced my teaching load at Stanford to accept an appointment with Columbia University. My role was to lead the launch of their West Coast presence in San Francisco's financial district. One night, I needed to be at Columbia's San Francisco office to introduce a highly subscribed alumni event. As it turns out, my husband and I did not have child care that night, so I brought my then-six-month-old son Joshua with me. Of course, I put him into his baby blue Columbia onesie for the evening. He's a charmer and people were delighted to have him with me. When it came time to do my brief introduction, however, he was fussy. Try as they may, my colleagues could not calm him. So I simply took him in my arms, calmed him in the way only a parent knows to do, and walked forward to do my introduction. I spoke for maybe five minutes max, and then handed the evening off to the alumni leaders. I never commented upon the infant in my arms, and did not apologize for his presence. I simply did what I had committed to do for the evening. Later one of the local leaders told me she could never have done that.
“Do what?” I asked. “Bring your child with you to a work event?”
She said, “No—do it without profusely apologizing for him.”
That discrepancy had never crossed my mind. After that exchange, I did go through the evening newly aware that I had been given much more generous understanding than a female colleague would have received. The double standard, regrettably, remains. As long as it does, I'm glad I have colleagues with expertise like Stephanie and Allison, who can provide wisdom about the unique challenges women face when leading.
Leading as a Rookie
As my students graduate and begin their post-business-school careers, they share the experience of becoming “rookies” once again. Conventional wisdom tells us to quickly get past the rookie stage of our careers and grow into something more “elevated and respected.”
I'm going to buck conventional wisdom here and suggest that being a rookie offers some incredible advantages that new employees should use while they can. Your early weeks in a new role represent a honeymoon period; the company wooed you, and now they have you. Remember that you aren't expected to know everything right away; this gives you the opportunity to develop the habit of asking questions and seeking out mentors who will likely be eager to assist you. I recall a friend's parent who moved beyond the old dinnertime question, “What did you do today?” and instead asked, “What questions did you ask today?” With that as your mindset, you'll build more relationships and learn more about your new environment early on.
Think of this time as an opportunity to start fresh with new habits. You can create new habits (like zeroing your inbox every day or practicing yoga over lunch) as you start a new job. Unlike New Year's resolutions, which can often go awry, new practices that you build into your work week can become habits. Switch by Chip and Dan Heath is a phenomenal guide to making personal and professional changes when change is hard.
To leverage these advantages, consider a few strategies:
Develop Allies Before You Need Them
My colleague Steve Mellas calls this “putting cookies into the jar before you take any out.” Build a network by helping others; learn about their needs and priorities, and support their objectives while still getting your work done.
Embrace Your Confusion If You Don't Know What to Do
Many new managers try to deny or hide that they don't have an immediate answer to a vexing problem. While it's important not to appear weak, a rookie can pose questions that others who have been at the workplace longer may be either afraid to ask, or have simply never considered.
Learn from Your Cringe Moments
We've all had those moments when we realize we've made a huge mistake, and it's clear to many that we've goofed. Mellas and I termed these “cringe moments,” while Jentz and Murphy call them “oh no moments” (ostensibly because no editor would allow them the scatological language they really wanted to use!). We make mistakes worse if we don't stop to learn from them, and cringe moments are the best teachers. Don't miss these lessons.
Limit References to the Past
We've all experienced the person who begins too many sentences with, “When I was at my old firm, we did it this way.” While your new firm hired you in part for your past experience, decide when and how often you need to use the name of the school or firm you came from. Doing so can provide context when you have a relevant comparison to offer or important experience to share, but otherwise it can read as a defensive compensation for your lack of security in your new role.
Avoid Considering Differences as “Wrong”
Just because your past experience reflected a different way to process expense reports or celebrate retirements doesn't mean that your new firm's traditions are incorrect; they're simply different. Resist the urge to cast the “new” as “bad.” Sometimes you may be right, but keeping these observations as silent reflections will help you to continue to build relationships, stay open to new ideas, and become a more fully integrated member of your new team.
Leading as a Military Veteran
One of my favorite audiences to serve each year is former (or transitioning) leaders from the armed forces. As the son of a WWII bronze star recipient and sibling of a career Army officer (now retired and working as an amazing mom), it's a privilege to give back to this distinct group of leaders in a meaningful way after all they've done for us. When first approached to tailor my content for this audience in the summer of 2014, I was not sure why we were offering a special summer institute for veterans who had served in the military after 9/11. Yet I came to learn that these leaders often struggle to translate their unique skills into civilian terms and face negative stereotypes and biases that can thwart their career success. Once I began to work with these remarkable men and women, they quickly became one of my favorite communities to teach. (I know. I know. Just like parents, we're not supposed to have our favorites, but these men and women are my favorites!) In fact, my colleague Bethany Coates became so taken with this group that she left her position at Stanford to found BreakLine, a social venture dedicated to offering veterans education and support to pivot into a post-military career.
Let me be clear: the work we do together is not about remediation. These men and women already possess remarkable skills from which any firm would benefit. Our work provides them the tools in their toolbox to translate these skills meaningfully. Regrettably, the Veteran's Administration called their post-military skills program “Vocational Rehabilitation”; one vet, Audrey Adams, pointed out that this term is elsewhere defined as “a process which enables persons with functional, psychological, developmental, cognitive, and emotional disabilities or impairments or health disabilities to overcome barriers to accessing, maintaining, or returning to employment or other useful occupation.” That view sustains a narrative of “less than” that's simply not been my experience with this exceptional community. But it is clear that many veterans, who've been steeped in a tradition of humility and team esprit de corps, do need some guidance in navigating the nuances of a job search and the civilian world.
While I believe the entire book in your hands can be of help to veterans, I have also developed specific communication strategies for this population to ensure their success in career transition.
Connect the Dots
It won't be easy for a prospective employer without military experience (or experience with veterans) to translate veterans’ skills to their opportunities. The veterans must quickly become agile at doing this themselves. It's often said that veterans’ “career opportunities need not be limited to just defense contractors.” In fact, I'd go one step further and say we need your skills even more in fields beyond defense contracting.
Promote Yourself
The vets with whom I've worked are not only quite talented, but they have also been steeped in humility. I was unaware of how central this quality is to the military experience before I began working with this group. In the military it's “service before self.” As one leader, Charles Cathlin, told me: “Every sailor, soldier, or airman must work together and be prepared to step in and lead when called to do so, for purposes of a common mission. No matter your background or beliefs, you integrate into the military culture while leaving some of your individualism behind. This is almost the antithesis of individualism and building a ‘personal brand’ for yourself.”
So although it is important to promote yourself when reentering the workforce, I urge this group of leaders not to swing too far from humble to arrogant, as that won't serve them either. Instead, I suggest that they take clear stock of their distinct talents and abilities, not shy away from detailing them on their résumés and LinkedIn profiles, and find stories that illustrate their talents for conversations with prospective employers. I was surprised to learn that one of the best places to find this data was leaders’ past performance reviews. In the private sector, I don't know that I ever gave this advice; it might make sense to review performance reviews for self-promotion material there too, but in the military it absolutely does. These documents capture, often at a granular level, the specific impact a leader had on the mission or unit. If you do choose an excerpt from a performance review, Cathlin reminds us that the excerpt should be “jargon-free and use terms applicable to the position [you] seek.”
Reduce the Acronyms and Jargon
Lots of fields love their acronyms, but none as much as the military; as an outsider, it's truly like communicating with someone in another language when military leaders drop terminology and acronyms without filtering. Not only does this confuse a civilian audience, but it can signal an inability to connect well with others if an applicant cannot shut off the use of these TLAs. (See what I mean? TLA stands for “three-letter acronym,” but wasn't it annoying to have to read this parenthetical explanation to find that out?)
When I share this tip with students, I tell the story of my sister, who recognized the lunacy of too many acronyms when navigating the intersection of academia and the military. She had been assigned to teach ROTC at the University of Oklahoma in Norman and was looking forward to the role until she saw her name on the proof for her new business cards: Captain Kathy Schramm, PMS. Apparently men had mostly held the role of Professor of Military Science and did not object to the acronym. My sister found creative ways around it, or used it as a chance for laughter in interactions with students and colleagues on campus.
Counter Stereotypes with Positive Examples
Without giving too much energy to the potential negative stereotypes, I do encourage veterans to acknowledge in their prep that at least some employers may subscribe to these stereotypes, and they should seek to share experiences and stories to the contrary. For example, many of the leaders I've coached will emphasize the military traits of being “mission focused” and “humble,” noting that they have these qualities specifically because of their military training.
Another veteran, Nathaniel Gilman, shared: “During my time as a service member, my mission every day was very clear. Protect the American people. Protect my crew. Protect my watch. Every day was filled with some kind of high-risk operations where someone could literally die. A difference that many of my friends deal with is they do not know what they are working for. The people I have seen be the most successful are able to find jobs where they believe in the mission.”
While I do believe the bias against hiring veterans is waning, these leaders will still encounter some firms or individuals who don't embrace their service because of these biases. In these cases, I simply advise: If with your best efforts you cannot overcome that bias, then look for another firm; they frankly don't deserve somebody of your caliber. This leads us directly to my next tip.
Seek the Proper Fit
I believe career search is much like dating: both parties have to be happy with the match. Interviewing today is not just about getting a job, but determining whether you fit in that organization too. In large organizations there may be a veterans’ ERG (Employee Resource Group, showing that the private sector also uses too many TLAs), which can be a great help in determining fit. Absent that, I urge leaders to inquire candidly about work hours, team versus individual focus, advancement strategies, and day-to-day culture. While using tools like LinkedIn or Glassdoor are great, nothing beats having conversations directly with the people who will be your peers and the person who will supervise your work. Do not hesitate to take your time here, as a proper fit is crucial. Requesting one more meeting with the team is not unrealistic.
In my own career, I was considered for several internal transfers at Kaplan Educational Centers when my role in San Francisco was eliminated. For me, my decision came down to two options: Denver or Boston. Both roles paid about the same. Denver had greater supervision of full-time staff, while Boston had a clear focus on academics and supervising part-time teachers. What ultimately made the decision easy was that the regional director of the Denver opportunity interviewed me in Chicago, never letting me meet the team I'd be leading. Conversely, Rob Waldron, the regional director for Boston, brought me in and even let me participate in several staff events before making my decision. I had to assess my fit with the role, and I could not do that from afar or on a website. I needed to have specific conversations with individuals to do that. Boston it was.
Negotiate for Your Value
While I don't teach negotiation directly, I urge all of my leaders to pay attention closely when my faculty colleagues teach this subject. These lessons are crucial. As Audrey Adams, a U.S. Navy Officer, notes, we are often “encouraged to do the employment equivalent of marrying the first girl that kisses you.” Military leaders who have operated on a clear and unambiguous pay scale system are often ill equipped to negotiate after the first civilian offer is made. If the offer comes on top of somebody already feeling less-than, it's hard to break with past experience and ask for more.
Further, some employers may lowball a veteran, knowing they have retirement benefits. That's just as unethical as increasing a man's pay because he has “a wife and kids to support,” even though this still occurs from time to time. Veterans who've taken strong inventory of their assets and talents must be willing and confident to go a round or two of negotiation for a firm they want to join. So very much of our future earnings are pegged to our current earnings. This first civilian starting salary may be the most important time to negotiate.
Expect the Adjustment
With all that, I remind our veterans of the obvious: you still need to expect some adjustment, and in some cases, radical adjustment. Here is where the advice I offered in our conversation about rookie leadership comes back into play: above all, hold on to the mantra “different is just different; not good or bad.” If veterans have a judgment on all things civilian in their workplace, it will be a pretty rocky road for them and their peers. Further, if a vet continues to say “back in the army” or worse yet “at my last duty station,” it will get old for those with whom they work. I invite vets to journal about the differences they see to capture and learn from these differences. It helps to have a group with whom to share these insights (besides your partner!). These can be formal support groups of transitioning service members or simply informal groups you assemble yourself from friends with whom you used to serve. It's important that these not simply be gripe sessions, but that they move toward action. Asking the question, “So what?” can help. In other words: “So, got it, thanks, but what can you do about it?”
Nathaniel Gilman, referenced above, shared that the difference in the pace of work was ultimately too much for him to bear. “This is one of the main reasons I have decided to start my own business as well as consult on the side. I make my own hours and I do not feel like I am judged negatively by others when I start early and keep working late when required. In that same breath, if there is nothing going on, I am strongly against a ‘butt in seat’ policy. If there is no work to do, you should be out working on something else either personal or for the company.” Unsurprisingly, he took his direct service experience with poor paperwork management and co-founded Mariner Credential Service, which streamlines the complex credentialing process for mariners by tracking licenses and professional development on the cloud.
If after reflection you find that the adjustment is still too uncomfortable, try thinking outside the box about what else you might do to forge your own career path.