Now it's time to write that map. Personally, our own ideal of family doesn't include food shoveled down in the car en route to soccer practice or days of work so exhausted that it leaves us snapping at our children at night. This probably isn't anyone's ideal. But now is the time to get at the heart of what you really do want.

This next part is important. Imagine for a moment that you have accomplished everything on your family balance list. Answer this question:

When there is a positive change in one area, other positive changes will occur somewhere else. If you think of life as walking that tightrope, the balancing act is an art form unto itself. When you add multiple players on the highwire act, it's no wonder it can wobble. The good news is that if your marriage is more balanced, for instance, your childrearing will go more smoothly. If you have your spirituality more balanced (see Chapter 11), the next time you hear that one of your teen's best friends has had a scrape with the law or your teen starts asking about birth control, you can center yourself first and then react. Balancing your life means coping with all the areas in a more centered and peaceful way.

We all have times when everything seems to go wrong in our families. We're under the gun at work, which is the worst possible time for things to be going wrong at home—but you know they are. Your spouse is on edge from layoffs at his or her corporation, and the kids, seeming to pick up on the tension, have become miniature monsters. You barely recognize them for their fangs! They are acting up at school and your teen has decided to press that issue of the belly button piercing. In addition, your paycheck is just barely covering your living expenses, you're not saving enough for college, and now your son wants to join a travel hockey team, meaning a big outlay of dollars. But in reality, in modern life, this is a pretty common scenario. Add into the mix 150 emails a day, your cell phone ringing at all hours, and a little technological stress.

But there are also “big issues.” We can joke and be playful with some of the scenarios we've outlined—mostly because we ourselves have been victims of them. In our last book we shared about little ones covering the dog in Post-its, or the time Kathy's kids stripped naked and danced on the front lawn while she was trying to do a live radio interview. But there are some issues we just can't joke about and these are the ones that can throw you for such a loop you're left gasping—a teen experimenting with drugs, a child withdrawing into a deep depression, or a mother-in-law who drinks enough to be unsafe around the children. There's no parenting manual for some of these big issues, and in truth, if you are facing a crisis of very large proportions, you may find that it's time to consult a therapist.

Big or small, though, list the five most pressing crises you're facing—the ones that really press in on your sense of balance.

Now it is time to set small measurable steps to achieve balance in these areas.

By taking steps that are small and measurable, you can feel a sense of accomplishment.

Now it's time to balance your world with clear ideas of your goals in the family area.

Now ask yourself this question:

If you answered with a 9 or 10, that's impressive. But stick around because there is always more to learn. Remember that life has a way of throwing you a curve ball just when you think you have it all together.

If feel like your family is completely out of control, chances are there are still some things you are doing right.

If you are thinking that there simply couldn't be anything in a score that low, you're wrong. If you didn't give yourself a flat zero it is because in some small ways you are doing a few positive things to manage your family. Maybe you never send them to bed without a bedtime story. Maybe you're sure, even on your most hectic days, to be certain you tell them they are unconditionally loved.

One note about families of origins: In our chapter on emotional baggage, we discuss families of origin that have burdened us with old wounds. Just remember that the sins of the past needn't be repeated in the present. If you want to see an interesting conversation, the next time you are among close friends with men present of a certain age (40 to 45 or older), ask the question: When was the last time your father told you he loved you? The conversation may surprise you—and may be quite poignant. Times have changed. Many of our fathers never changed a diaper. Many of our mothers never worked outside the home. Many of us come to parenthood with a “map” that was totally different from the one we are living with now.

Some of us come with even darker issues. We are so bound and determined not to make the mistakes of our parents that we stress ourselves out trying to be “perfect.” Well, guess what? There is no such thing as a perfect parent. There is no more admirable goal than to want to do the job of parenting well, but you can veer off the map that was written for you in childhood and write your own new map. And give yourself permission to make mistakes along the way.

Watch your children sleeping to bring you to your knees with the power of unconditional love. It's humbling. Yet divorce, modern-day pressures, and the stress of being a wage-earner can make walking the tightrope of parenthood the one area we often feel we are working without a net. Have you ever snapped at a child who only wanted to ask you a simple question? That crest-fallen face can make you feel like you've been stabbed. So we want to walk that high-wire with grace. Know, simply, that as you set the goals for balance, you are like millions of parents across the country who are struggling to parent while coping with a pace more hectic than any other time in our history. The most important thing you will ever do has nothing to do with a gold plaque and a corner office, but when your children take their places in the world with decency, grace, and the confidence from having been raised with love.