17
Relationships
RELATIONSHIP: GREEN FLAGS VS RED FLAGS
A relationship red flag is a warning sign that indicates you will unlikely be able to have a healthy and conflict-free relationship with this person. A relationship green flag, on the other hand, is a positive trait that indicates that a person can engage in a healthy, mature and supportive relationship. It is often easy to be swept off our feet in the early stages of dating, which can lead us to ignore red flags and inappropriate behaviours. Being conscious of common relationship red flags will allow you to identify them more easily and know the minimum standards and values a potential partner must meet.
RELATIONSHIP GREEN FLAGS
WILLING TO MAKE COMPROMISES
A healthy relationship involves making compromises. It means coming together with your partner to reach a place of understanding on important topics, such as where you live, how you will spend your time or money, how you allocate household chores or how you raise your children. It's about finding a healthy balance where both you and your partner feel heard and can come to an effective solution. Having a partner who is willing to compromise fosters trust and deepens your connection.
CLEAR COMMUNICATION
A healthy relationship relies on clear communication. Effective communication involves both listening and speaking to communicate your needs, opinions, feelings and thoughts. This could be simple things, like sharing how your day was or making plans for the weekend, or more serious issues, like discussing something they did or said that upset you. Having open lines of communication means you won't have to guess what your partner is thinking and can tackle minor issues before they escalate into something bigger.
MAKES YOU A PRIORITY IN THEIR LIFE
Another green flag when entering a relationship is when your partner makes you a priority in their life. This does not mean spending every waking minute together. It simply means that they make an effort to have quality time together and make you feel heard, wanted and desired. There are many different ways that your partner can show they are prioritising you. This may be by having a set date night every week that you never miss, always watching the latest episode of your favourite show together or putting your phones away during dinner to give each other your full attention. Whatever it may be, feeling like you are an important part of your partner's life is a positive sign.
SUPPORTS YOU AND HELPS YOU GROW
Your partner should be your biggest fan (besides yourself, of course). Their positive support will give you the confidence you need to get through the bad days and appreciate the good days. Your partner will push you to stay committed to your personal growth and keep you accountable as you work towards your goals.
People in healthy relationships have both shared dreams and individual dreams of their own. A lot of people get scared that they will have to push their dreams to the side when entering into a new relationship, but this is not the case at all. They should be cheering you on to go for your individual goals, and you should be supporting them in achieving theirs. Regularly discussing your goals and how you can achieve them helps you feel more connected as a couple.
TRUST, HONESTY AND LOYALTY
Building trust and loyalty is the foundation of all relationships. It allows a relationship to develop and grow with a mutual commitment to each other. You should never need to deceive, hide the truth or misdirect your partner. A transparent and honest relationship means the truth is always spoken. Maintaining a healthy relationship requires you both to remain honest in both your actions, as well as your thoughts and feelings.
YOU RESPECT EACH OTHER'S BOUNDARIES
As we discussed in chapter 15, boundaries are an essential part of any healthy relationship. Setting clear boundaries creates guidelines for your partner for how you would like to be treated and the standards of behaviour that you will accept.
It is a green flag if your partner respects your boundaries without questioning them or pushing back on them. Similarly, you should also respect their boundaries. Doing so builds greater trust and safety between you both.
RELATIONSHIP RED FLAGS
EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE
Your partner should be open and honest about their emotions, expressing how they feel about themselves and your relationship. A relationship becomes stronger if there is a deeper connection through open dialogue about each other's emotions. You are unable to understand the needs of your partner without this expression. If your partner is unable to open themselves up emotionally to you, you will not be able to build the foundations of a healthy relationship.
ATTACKS AND LIES TO YOU
Dishonesty and unreasonable conflict in a relationship are unhealthy traits that develop into serious relationship deal-breakers. Continuous lying, whether big or small, removes any possibility that a trusting and honest relationship can be built. This includes your partner keeping secrets about themselves or being vague about important information that impacts your relationship. Further, steer clear of people who resort to passive-aggressive and blaming behaviour whenever a difficult situation or conflict arises. If your choices and actions are met with constant attacking criticism, you will be left to feel inadequate and unworthy.
DOESN'T RESPECT YOU OR LISTEN TO YOUR FEELINGS
Mutual respect and understanding for each other are some of the most fundamental components of a relationship. Reflect on your relationship and ask yourself the following questions: Are you consulted before a big decision is made? Do you get put down and embarrassed in social settings? Are the things you explain are important to you diminished and avoided? If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above, it may be time to reconsider your relationship. Someone who dismisses your emotions, belittles you or makes you feel insignificant is not a person you want to be with.
TAKES NO RESPONSIBILITY FOR THEIR OWN BEHAVIOUR
Generally, when you do or say something that upsets your partner, the correct process is to admit fault, apologise and work on changing your behaviour so it does not happen again. However, this is not the case if you are dating someone who is unable to take responsibility for their behaviour. When you question their actions, they either lie about it, deny any wrongdoing or gaslight you. People like this lack the emotional maturity to be in a relationship, and you will struggle to resolve conflicts that inevitably arise. You cannot change a person or force them to hold themselves accountable.
NEVER THERE FOR YOU WHEN YOU NEED THEM
You should always be able to depend on and count on your partner. They are the person you should be able to turn to in a moment of crisis to provide comfort, safety and support. A supportive partner will do everything they can to be there both physically and emotionally through important events in your life. They do not ignore you, dismiss you or take a step back when you need them the most.
ACTS LIKE THE ONLY PERSON WHO MATTERS
You can never be in a relationship with someone who is selfish and only cares about themselves. All conversations centre around them, all decisions are made by them, and your input or opinion is never considered or given any regard. This self-centredness dismisses your feelings and chips away at your self-worth, making you feel isolated and ignored in the relationship. There is no reciprocation of the physical and emotional effort that you put into the relationship to meet their needs.
LOVE SOUNDS LIKE …
There are many different ways to express your care and love for a person, in addition to ‘I love you’. This could involve:
- asking them about their day
- showing genuine interest in them
- listening to their problems and offering advice
- admitting when you are at fault
- not being afraid to apologise
- providing encouragement and words of support
- making sure they feel safe and heard
- reassuring them that you are on the same team.
Every relationship is unique, and love can look and sound very different to different people. However, what is consistent across all loving relationships is that they are rooted in kindness, commitment, support, safety, reassurance, understanding and comfort.
HOW TO SHOW LOVE TO YOUR PARTNER
Expressing love to and receiving love from your partner is an essential component to maintaining a strong, long-lasting relationship. What is difficult, however, is learning how to express your love in a way that your partner appreciates. Everyone has their own preferences when it comes to receiving affection. For some, they may like to receive unexpected loving texts or a heartfelt card with words of encouragement and support. For others, planning a special date night where you both put your phones away and give each other your full attention is the way they feel most connected.
If you are not sure how your partner prefers to receive love and affection, ask them and have a conversation about it. You may be surprised at the simple things that they appreciate you doing. Start picking up cues along the way as well. If your partner is feeling down and you ask how you can help, listen carefully to their response. If they want to curl up in bed together watching a movie or to go out for a morning walk, you can start to understand the different types of affection they most enjoy. No matter what, all types of expression of love have one thing in common: they intend to make the other person feel valued and appreciated.
QUESTIONS TO DEEPEN YOUR CONNECTION WITH YOUR PARTNER
HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP TECHNIQUES
No relationship is ever sunshine and rainbows 100 per cent of the time. Even the ‘perfect’ couples you see online have problems and issues. Conflict, disagreements, rough patches and slumps are all completely normal parts of a relationship. There's a reason why the term ‘honeymoon period’ exists. When we first start dating someone new, everything seems carefree, easy and happy. But as the newness of the relationship wears off, and you are faced with the emotions and stresses of everyday life, things may start to change. You start discovering their deeper personality traits or habits. Their little quirks that you initially found cute may start to annoy you. This is not a reason to panic, and it's a natural stage of any relationship as you become more comfortable with each other and more intertwined. What's important is that you engage in healthy relationship techniques to stay connected and strong no matter what comes your way. Remember: you are not only a couple, but also a team.
MAKE EACH OTHER A PRIORITY
One of the best ways to maintain a strong relationship is to always make each other your top priority. Remind your partner frequently what you love about them and how much they mean to you. Keep flirting like you just met and be spontaneous whenever possible. It can be easy to get stuck in a routine after you have been together for a while, but keep things fresh by planning fun date nights and surprising each other. Bring home their favourite dessert, book tickets to a movie they've been dying to see or write them a surprise note.
COMMUNICATE
Communication is essential to stay connected in your relationship. Talk regularly and honestly about everything, such as how your day was, what you dreamed about, your random thoughts, plans you have for the weekend or a video that made you laugh. Keep them up to date about what is happening at your workplaces and show interest in what they are working on.
If your partner has had a bad day, a simple question that works wonders is: ‘Do you want to vent or do you want advice?’ This gives them the opportunity to communicate the best way for you to support them in that moment. On a similar note, if your partner has done something that has upset you or is bothering you, don't go silent or start being passive-aggressive. Bring up the issue openly and talk through it together.
GIVE EACH OTHER SPACE
Everyone needs alone time, and you do not need to be with your partner every spare minute of your day. Spending time apart to re-energise and relax is not a bad thing. Similarly, encourage your partner to maintain their hobbies and regularly see and hang out with their friends. Not only will this ensure that you maintain a sense of independence within your relationship, but it will also give you time to miss them and have more things to talk about when you are together.
TACKLE ISSUES AS A TEAM
Whenever you face a problem with your partner or within your relationship, remember this: It is never you vs your partner. It is always you and your partner vs the problem. Keep any problems you have between the two of you. Avoid gossiping about your partner, ranting to or getting any friends or family involved unless absolutely necessary. This can make the situation more complicated and takes the focus outside of the two people in the relationship working through the issue together.
HOW TO APOLOGISE
Learning how to give a proper apology is one of the most under-rated skills in life. We all make mistakes. What is key is understanding how to take ownership of your mistake, learn from it and use the experience as a way to grow closer with your partner, friend, colleague or loved one. A genuine apology also communicates to the other person that you are mature enough to manage conflict in a healthy way and do not want the situation to occur again in the future.
A genuine apology always starts with taking responsibility for your actions (or inaction). This means openly acknowledging your mistake that hurt the other person. Do not try to shift the blame or defend your actions. Admit fault and express your regret about the situation. The other person should know that you feel remorseful for hurting them and that you wish it didn't happen. Never imply that it is not your fault by using words like ‘if’ or passive voice in your apology. Finish off by clarifying the actions you will take to move forward and ensure that the same thing does not occur again. This shows that you have learned from the experience and will, hopefully, be able to regain their trust.
WHAT TO SAY WHEN SOMEONE IS UPSET
When we see someone who is upset, our instinct is to console them. However, we are often unsure of the best way to do this, and don't want to run the risk of saying or doing the wrong thing and making them more upset. The best way to react will depend on the specific situation and the reasons why the person is upset in the first place.
Sometimes less is more in these situations. Before any words are spoken, sitting down next to them and, if appropriate and accepted, wrapping your arm around them might be the thing that they need in that moment. Express that you are there to support them and listen to them if they want to talk about the situation. Offer advice if they want to receive it. Sometimes they just want someone to listen to them, and at other times, they want help to solve or move forward with the situation. In other circumstances, the best way to support someone is by helping them take their mind off the situation. This could be talking about their favourite hobby or going out for a walk to your favourite coffee shop.
If you're not sure of the best way to support your loved one, ask them. If they say they want some space, respect their wishes and be there for them when they need you. Everyone processes their emotions differently, and the best thing you can do as a friend is offer support, love and kindness.
OVERCOMING A BREAK-UP
Break-ups suck. No matter if you were the initiator, caught off guard or if it was mutual, heartbreak is one of the worst pains and feelings you can experience. Even if you have gone through a break-up before, it never gets any easier, and we all process and heal from it differently. Nonetheless, there are a few processes to work through to try and overcome the break-up effectively.
CUT OFF CONTACT
Break-up rule number one: cut off all contact. Even if you had the most amicable break-up, taking this person out of your life (even if this is only for a set period of time) will give you the space to move on and focus on the next chapter of your life.
I get it, it's hard. It could be a random Tuesday night, which was your night to make tacos together, and you suddenly feel the urge to text them and check in. Or you're out with your friends and you keep stalking their Instagram story to see what they're up to. But every time you send them a text, call them, stalk them online or see them in person, you delay your healing.
There is absolutely no benefit to staying up to date with their life through social media or by catching up for coffee to see how they have been. Mute, block, delete or avoid your ex for as long as you need to heal. You don't need to apologise to them or give any explanations. Keeping in touch, either in person, digitally or socially, makes it difficult for your mind to let them go. You will continue to feel attached to your ex and dwell on what could have been.
MAKE A LIST
After a break-up, we have a tendency to shine a light on all the good memories, times and moments shared with our ex, while glossing over all of the issues and problems that existed in the relationship. Grab two sheets of paper. On one sheet of paper, make a list of all the things that did work in your relationship. On the other sheet of paper, make a list of all the things that didn't work. Be brutally honest with yourself. Write down specific memories and moments where you were upset, argued, felt betrayed or didn't feel safe and loved. Write down the character traits you didn't like or values they held that you disagree with.
Compare the lists. Look at the ‘what didn't work’ list every day as you venture through your healing process. Does the list make you realise that they were nowhere near perfect? That you didn't like a lot of the things they did or said? Did you love them just enough to overlook these things and accept them? Conversely, hide the ‘what worked’ list. One day, when you're ready, this will be your list for your next relationship. It'll remind you of the values you want to bring along to make sure that you are taking care of your needs when you enter into a new romance.
FOCUS ON HEALING
Healing a break-up takes time and it is not a linear process. Some days will be bad, and you'll struggle getting out of bed or miss them so much that your heart physically aches. Other days will be better, and you'll start to feel stronger and ready to move forward with your life.
Your self-esteem may be quite low post-break-up, especially if your partner initiated the break-up. You may be questioning what went wrong, what is wrong with you and whether you will ever find love again. Practising positive affirmations is a helpful tool to overcome any negative self-talk. Repeating phrases such as ‘This break-up was not my fault’, ‘I am worthy of love’ and ‘I will grow and learn from this experience’ helps your subconscious mind adopt healthy thought patterns and starts the process of healing.
Take the time to forgive yourself for any mistakes you may have made, for giving away your power, for past behaviours or actions, for the guilt that you may feel or simply for the difficult time you had to go through. This is not about letting your ex off the hook for anything they did; it's about your own internal forgiveness and emotional freedom. Forgiving yourself is a powerful tool to expel any self-rejection and replace it with self-acceptance and self-love. It is only when you release these tensions that you can move on.
RE-ESTABLISH YOUR PRIORITIES
Rightly or wrongly, your relationship may have caused you to place a hold on some of your priorities. Take this opportunity to re-establish these priorities. This may be your love for the arts, applying for that new role at work or focusing on your self-care routine. Make a list of the top priorities you now have coming out of this relationship and how you plan to address each one. Set boundaries with yourself and the people around you to ensure you protect your peace and focus solely on the priorities you have set out.
GET SOCIAL
It can be tempting to not leave the house post-break-up and stay rugged-up on the couch eating ice cream and watching sad movies. While this is a key step in your healing process, there comes a time where you need to leave the house and bring some fun back into your life. Getting social post-break-up is a great way to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem. Say yes to spontaneous activities with friends, meeting new people and trying new things.
BREAK-UP REMINDERS
As they say, time heals everything. Unfortunately, there is no crystal ball or methodical rule that will tell you how much time you need to heal from your break-up, but one thing that is for certain is that it will be an incredible period of self-discovery, reflection and personal growth.
As you work through your healing process, come back to this page as often as you need. Say these reminders out loud. Write them down on a post-it note and stick it to your computer. Repeat the affirmations on your good days and even more on the days where you think you'll never feel better. While it may feel like you'll never get through this, I promise you that you will.
HOW TO BE HAPPY BEING SINGLE
Being single gets a bad rap. In movies, single characters are often depicted as being sad and lonely, longing for a partner to sweep them off their feet into a better, happier life. But it doesn't have to be that way. We should reframe being single as one of the most empowering times in our lives: a time where you can be selfish, prioritise your own needs and choose how you spend your time and who you spend that time with.
RELEASE ANY PRESSURES
Being single or in a relationship does not define your value as a person. Society pushes the idea that being in a relationship is an essential part of living a happy life. But you are not less worthy simply because you are not in a relationship. Do not allow internal or external pressures to find a partner or get married or have kids convince you otherwise.
Even worse, don't allow these pressures to push you into a mediocre relationship that you don't want to be in. Never rush into a relationship, and do not settle simply because you feel lonely or guilty that you are single. Relationships take a lot of your time and energy, so you need to make sure you are investing in the right one. On top of that, settling for just any relationship can lead to accepting toxic behaviours and ignoring red flags.
What's most important is that you are truly happy within yourself and living your life in accordance with your goals and values. If a partner comes along and can add to your life, that's amazing. But if they don't, that's also okay, because you know that you have everything within yourself to succeed, flourish and live a fulfilled life.
FOCUS ON YOURSELF
Being single gives you the opportunity to truly invest in yourself. Embrace the fact that you are able to live your life on your own accord. Be selfish with your time and focus on whatever will bring you happiness. Take time to learn more about yourself. What do you enjoy doing? Why do you enjoy doing it? Define your goals and priorities, and think about how you can spend more time pursuing these. This can be anything from taking on a new career direction or simply being more spontaneous and saying ‘yes’ to new things and opportunities.
STRENGTHEN YOUR NON-ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIPS
A relationship involves a big commitment of time, effort and emotional energy. Redirect the time and energy that you would put into a relationship towards strengthening your friendships and other non-romantic relationships instead. Make a conscious effort to check in with them regularly, organise catch-ups, have a laugh and some fun, provide support and ask for help when needed. Cultivating strong friendships and non-romantic relationships boosts your self-confidence, happiness and fulfillment in life.
FIRST DATE CONVERSATION STARTERS
There are very few things more nerve-wracking than a first date. Questioning what to wear, where to go and hoping that there are no awkward silences or pauses in conversation. You may have spoken in the lead-up before the date or you may barely know each other. A first date is meant to be a fun way to get to know someone new and see if you are compatible. The best way to do this is by asking open-ended questions that will ignite deeper conversation. Next time you go on a first date (or second or third or…), try out these questions. You’ll gain a deeper understanding of the other person, their values, their goals and their aspirations.