MYTH 1: SETTING BOUNDARIES IS SELFISH/MEAN/RUDE

The purpose of setting boundaries is to understand and protect your own wants and needs, and to communicate those wants and needs to others in a way that is both clear and respectful. By doing so, you are able to establish the foundation of how you would like to be treated and ensure that all your relationships are able to develop in a way that is comfortable for all parties involved. Setting and enforcing boundaries should not be argumentative or aggressive. You are simply setting guidelines to protect your emotions, time and energy.

MYTH 2: HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS DON'T HAVE BOUNDARIES

Healthy boundaries are essential for any kind of relationship. The idea that healthy relationships do not have boundaries is simply not true. In fact, the strongest relationships have clear boundaries that are enforced and respected by both parties. When we establish a boundary with someone, we are providing them with guidance that will allow them to build a stronger relationship with us rather than pushing them away.

MYTH 3: YOU'LL PUSH THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE AWAY

In relationships where you have not set any boundaries or have limited boundaries, the other person has the opportunity to take advantage of you. When you start to set and enforce new boundaries with them, you may experience some pushback. Do not let this deter you. Remember, you are establishing boundaries to improve your relationship and set clear expectations for how you would like to be treated. If the person is not respectful of your boundaries and repeatedly crosses them, then it may be time to rethink if you want to pursue the relationship any longer.

MYTH 4: SETTING BOUNDARIES MEANS SAYING ‘NO’ ALL OF THE TIME

Saying ‘no’ is, without a doubt, an essential part of setting up your boundaries. Saying ‘no’ is a simple and effective tool for taking control of your time, which then allows you the opportunity to focus on yourself and your needs. But setting boundaries is more than just saying ‘no’ all the time. It is about protecting your time, energy and emotions so you can ultimately say ‘yes’ to more of the things that matter to you.

MYTH 5: SETTING BOUNDARIES ALWAYS RESULTS IN CONFLICT

While it may take some adjusting for some people when you do set boundaries, conflict is never part of a healthy boundary process. Boundaries are grounded in respect and should result in strengthened relationships. If, at any stage, setting your boundaries results in conflict, aggression or arguments, it is time to reassess your relationship with that person and whether you wish to continue with it. Respect their process for understanding your boundary, but don't take a step back. You should never adjust your boundaries because others are not happy with them.

PHYSICAL BOUNDARIES

Physical boundaries refer to all your physical needs, such as resting, eating and drinking. They also cover your personal space and contact. Physical boundaries may sound like:

1. I can't right now, I need to rest.
2. I need some space.
3. I'm not a big hugger; I prefer handshakes instead.

EMOTIONAL BOUNDARIES

Emotional boundaries are set to protect your feelings and your energy. Setting emotional boundaries is about understanding what level of emotion you are willing to accept from people and how much you are willing to share. Emotional boundaries may sound like:

1. I'm not comfortable talking about this right now.
2. I don't like that whenever I open up about my feelings, you judge me and make comments that put me down. If you can't support me and respect my feelings, I am not going to share them with you anymore.
3. I am here to listen and support you through this difficult time. I have a lot of personal things I'm trying to deal with right now. Are we able to talk about this later?

MATERIAL BOUNDARIES

Material boundaries refer to your items and possessions, such as your home, car, computer, furniture and money. These boundaries define how you would like your belongings to be treated by others and what you are willing to share or keep to yourself. Material boundaries may sound like:

1. Can you please not eat in my car?
2. I'm happy to lend you my dress for the party, but I'll need it back by Monday.
3. I can't lend you any more money, but I am happy to help in another way.

TIME BOUNDARIES

We only have 24 hours in a day, and we need to spend them wisely. Time boundaries are set to protect your time so you can focus on your priorities. Time boundaries may sound like:

1. I can come, but I can only stay for an hour. I have a lot to do at home.
2. I can't make it this weekend, but I appreciate you asking.
3. I can help you with that. My hourly rate is …

INTELLECTUAL BOUNDARIES

Intellectual boundaries are set to protect your thoughts and ideas. They also include respect and understanding of other people's opinions and views. A key aspect of healthy intellectual boundaries is a willingness to engage in discussion without being belittled, shut down or dismissed. Intellectual boundaries may sound like:

1. I understand what you are saying, but I disagree.
2. This is my opinion, so I would appreciate if you did not belittle me.
3. I don't think we should continue this conversation right now.

SEXUAL BOUNDARIES

Sexual boundaries refer to the understanding of preferences, consent, agreement, respect and privacy with respect to any form of sexual interaction. Sexual boundaries may sound like:

1. I don't like that. Let's try something different.
2. I'm not comfortable right now for this to progress further.
3. Asking for consent.

KNOW YOURSELF

Prior to establishing boundaries in any relationship, understand what your values and needs are. This will allow you to define the non-negotiables for what the boundary is trying to achieve.

Ask yourself:

• What is important to me in life?
• What do I want to stand for?
• What do I value doing with my time?

UNDERSTAND THE RELATIONSHIP TYPE

The boundaries that you set will vary among the different people in your life. For example, the boundaries you set with your partner will be very different from those that you set with colleagues at work. It is important to understand the type of relationship that you have with the person and the regular interactions you have with them. Boundaries can also be rigid or flexible depending on the circumstances and individual person. Rigid boundaries are non-negotiable guidelines that are never adjusted no matter what, whereas flexible boundaries may change over time and with different people.

GIVE AND TAKE

Any relationship you have should be reciprocal and involve an element of give and take from both parties. In most cases, this reciprocity should be equal, but in some cases (such as in parent-child or boss-employee relationships), it may be more heavily weighted to one side. What is important is knowing that the value, respect and time you have for a relationship is being reciprocated, and no-one is being taken advantage of.

Consider the relationships you have in your life and whether they are reciprocal. What do you give to this relationship? What do you get out of it? Is this unfairly weighted? If yes, why? Answering these questions honestly will help you better understand the appropriate boundaries that need to be set.

PRACTISE SAYING ‘NO’

Being able to say ‘no’ is a powerful way to take back control. When you set boundaries, you are doing more than just saying ‘no’. You are giving yourself back the time to say ‘yes' to the priorities you want to focus on. It can be difficult to start saying ‘no’ to people who you have always agreed with and kept the peace with, but practise beforehand at home to help you build up your confidence for the real deal. Communicate your no's calmly, clearly and confidently. There is no requirement for you to justify or overexplain your reasoning.

REMOVE ANY FEAR OR GUILT

Do not allow people's opinions or reactions to make you feel afraid, ashamed or guilty for enforcing your boundaries. If you know setting your boundaries with a particular person may become confrontational, it is best to avoid using phrases such as ‘you did’ or ‘you do’. This can come across as an accusation and they may feel defensive. Try using ‘I’ statements, such as, ‘I feel (feeling) when you do (action) to me.’ If the other person becomes confrontational when you are setting the boundary with them, avoid reacting emotionally. Leave the conversation after making your boundary clear and give them time to process and understand the change. Enforcing your boundaries is about protecting your own peace of mind and wellbeing. While others may think that your boundaries are impacting them, stay firm and don't let their opinion or perspective affect you.

TAKE YOUR TIME

Setting boundaries can be tricky. It is best to plan and implement your boundaries when you have a clear mind and are not being influenced by reactive emotions. Don't make important decisions when you are tired, stressed or emotional. Sleep on it and speak to the person calmly the next day to discuss your feelings and establish your boundary.

START SLOW AND KEEP IT SIMPLE

Having a difficult conversation with your partner, friend or family member is never easy, so start off slowly and build it up gradually. Avoid sitting down with someone and discussing every little issue you have with them, when, ultimately, there may only be one or two key boundaries that you need to set.

STEP 1: OPEN THE DIALOGUE

Setting boundaries with friends is best done calmly and with an open dialogue. This allows both of you to discuss the boundary and how you feel about it. Ask your friend to grab a coffee and, when the time is right, explain to your friend what has been on your mind and how you would like to address it by establishing a boundary. While it is tempting sometimes to just avoid the entire issue, letting it sit in the back of your mind will only cause it to grow larger and turn into something that may be irreparable. Most of the time you will find that your friend is not knowingly or intentionally trying to upset you, and having an honest conversation is the best way forward.

STEP 2: DON'T GOSSIP/SPEAK BADLY ABOUT YOUR FRIEND

It is often good to seek advice or get an outside perspective of the situation from a mutual friend or someone close to you. But do not use this as an opportunity to gossip or speak badly about your friend. Always be respectful and communicate maturely and directly with your friend to resolve the issue.

STEP 3: ACKNOWLEDGE HOW MUCH YOU VALUE THEIR FRIENDSHIP

If this is a friendship you intend on maintaining, clearly acknowledge and emphasise how much you value their friendship. An unexpected or significant boundary can sometimes feel hurtful, but reiterate that you are doing so to strengthen your friendship for many years to come.

STEP 4: USE 'I' STATEMENTS

When discussing a new boundary with your friend, focus solely on your own feelings and avoid directly attacking them. The conversation is to help them to understand your perspective and is not an attack on their own behaviour. Using phrases such as ‘You never think before you talk’ will divert the conversation to arguing about their behaviour and cause more issues. Instead, use ‘I’ phrases, such as ‘I get uncomfortable when you make comments about my appearance’.

STEP 5: BE KIND BUT FIRM

No matter your communication style, you need to be sure that the other person understands that you are very serious about setting this boundary, and that you are not going to compromise on protecting your peace. Be kind but firm when stating your boundary.

SETTING WORK BOUNDARIES WITH YOURSELF

Setting boundaries for yourself at work will ensure you can maintain a healthy relationship with your job. Without these in place, you may find yourself experiencing workplace burnout, which can lead to decreased productivity, feeling frustrated and exhausted, prolonged negativity and low job satisfaction.

Your personal work boundaries may include:

• logging off from all forms of communication at the end of the workday
• turning off notifications after work hours to avoid seeing late-night emails
• defining a workload capacity with your manager to avoid being overstretched
• setting clear working hours and not accepting meetings outside of your normal work hours
• setting boundaries around work calls outside of hours
• scheduling a non-negotiable lunch break each day to take a break
• saying ‘no’ to additional work from a colleague without discussing it first with your manager
• using your sick leave when you are unwell without feeling guilty
• not doing any work when you are on annual leave.

SETTING WORK BOUNDARIES WITH YOUR COLLEAGUES/MANAGER

Setting boundaries with your colleagues is not only about the actual work you are doing, but also about any physical or social interactions. Setting work boundaries with your colleagues may look like:

• saying ‘no’ to additional work your colleague asks you to do (e.g. ‘I am at capacity and can't assist with that work today.’)
• saying ‘no’ to additional work from your manager (e.g. ‘I am currently working on [insert tasks], but I am able to do this work if you would like me to prioritise it instead.’)
• not needing to answer non-urgent questions or help with a task straight away (e.g. ‘I am finishing up a task and will be able to assist once I am done.’)

Setting social/physical boundaries with your colleagues may look like:

• telling a colleague you don't want to discuss something personal (e.g. ‘I am not comfortable discussing that.’)
• not wanting to attend after-work drinks (e.g. ‘I would love to come but I have commitments at home tonight.’)
• telling a colleague they are getting too close and are in your personal space (e.g. ‘Can you please give me a little bit of space?’)
• not engaging if a colleague is talking inappropriately about another colleague (e.g. ‘I don't feel comfortable engaging in this conversation. Can we talk about something else please?’).

If your boundaries are not being respected at work, raise these issues through the appropriate channel. This could be through your direct manager or the human resources department.

1. RE-ESTABLISH THE BOUNDARY

This step is completely optional. You have no obligation to re-establish your boundaries more than once if the person has intentionally ignored your previous discussion and request. If you feel it is suitable for your situation, re-establish your boundary and explain to them again how you feel.

2. OUTLINE THE CONSEQUENCES

When your boundary is crossed, you need to follow this up by outlining a consequence to make it clear that your boundaries are not flexible or up for negotiation. Not doing this will send the message that you will tolerate their actions.

For example:

1. I have already asked you to stop doing that, so please respect my boundary. If you do it again, I am going to leave.
2. I have already told you that I don't appreciate you talking to me like that. If you continue, I will have to raise this with HR.

3. MINIMISE THE INTERACTION

There are instances when, despite your best efforts to effectively convey a boundary, the other person is simply not able to respect it. The problem, however, is that you may continue to see this person, either at work, because you are part of the same group of friends or for any other reason. Cutting them off may not be possible. In this scenario, your only option is to minimise your interactions with them as much as you can. Avoid any direct communication with them and keep your distance when physically near each other.

4. DECIDE IF THE RELATIONSHIP IS REPAIRABLE

Minimising interaction may not be the solution to your situation. If someone is repeatedly crossing your boundaries, even after re-establishing them, you will need to decide whether this relationship is repairable. Ask yourself: Is this person making any effort to change their behaviour? Do I feel they truly understand where I am coming from? Do they respect me? Do they want to continue this relationship? Depending on these answers, you may decide the relationship is repairable or you may choose to end the relationship.

1. OWN UP TO YOUR MISTAKE

First things first: admit fault and acknowledge your mistake. Take all emotion out of it, avoid making excuses and accept responsibility.

2. MAKE A GENUINE APOLOGY

When making an apology, say sorry and acknowledge what happened. Explain to the person how you will move forward to correct this in the future, so it does not happen again.

3. REFLECT

Consider the other person's point of view and think about why the boundary exists. This may give you an appreciation for their position, which may come into your mind next time you are in a similar situation.

4. LEARN FROM THE EXPERIENCE

Think about what you can do differently next time so this doesn't happen again. Run through the scenario in your head again, and decide what you would have said or done differently to avoid crossing this boundary.