ALL OF US get angry at one time or another. Some us get angry every day. We are especially vulnerable to anger when we are under pressure from such things as time, people, and evaluation. Anger itself has pressures, notably the pressure of deciding whether to contain that anger or act on it. In either case, the experience of anger will result in an elevated physiological response. Our task is to direct that energy appropriately and make the physiological boost work for us.
Anger Pressure
Let us think about what anger is and where it comes from. Anger typically has three components:
1. The thought that we have been wronged in some way
2. The physiological reaction of bracing for physical assault—a reaction that includes increased blood pressure and heart rate
3. An attack response: verbal, physical, or otherwise.
The pressure of anger begins with the physiological reaction, which, if not attended to, often results in an attack response. The goal of using the SBRT technique when you are under anger pressure is to regulate the physiological response, prevent an attack, and transform the extra energy into something useful.
1. Stop
Most of the time, we know when we are angry; still, sometimes we must rely on cues. Typical cues for anger are a racing mind, lack of humor, rumination, irritability, cursing, frustration, impulse to bully others, critical attitude toward others, feeling ready to explode, chest pains, headache, tight neck and shoulders, racing heart, and indigestion.
2. Breathe
Anger is typically accompanied by quick, intense physiological arousal. Do not try to avoid the arousal because this will just make it worse; however, you do have to temper the physiological response so that you can deal with the situation at hand. For this, we suggest an approach called “action-distraction.” It involves increasing your activity level and focusing your attention on something other than the anger-provoking event. As we have seen, the goal of the Breathe step is to keep your physiological response from spiraling out of control. Here, this step requires active, invigorating techniques rather than passive ones.
Think about the last time you were angry at work. Did you lash out at someone? Did you brood about the situation at your desk? Based on personality, there are two typical responses to anger:
• Lashing out
• Ruminating
Often an anger response will include both of these components.
If you have ever yelled at a coworker for asking you a question or slammed a door in vexation with a situation, you have lashed out. Lashing out is rooted in the quick, intense rise in physiological arousal that accompanies anger. It clouds our judgment and contributes to impulsive behavior. If you tend to lash out, you may get a reputation for abusing others and people will want to avoid you, including important clients.
Ruminating involves constantly rehashing the angerprovoking event in your mind (“I can’t believe Bill said that! What right does he have?”). Ruminating usually includes elaborate, dramatic plans for action. These plans are rarely practical; instead, they fuel the anger response and contribute to its out-of-control spiraling.
The Action-Distraction Approach
Both lashing out and ruminating are neutralized by action-distraction:
• Action dissipates the quick arousal associated with anger.
• Distraction keeps you from ruminating and allows you to acquire some distance between the anger you feel and the action you decide to take.
There are Breathe techniques discussed earlier that, with some modification, can be used in action-distraction. For instance:
• Mindful, vigorous exercise. An example of this excellent technique is mindful but brisk walking. Even if you simply walk up and down the stairs or hallway a few times, you will notice a difference in your anger pressure.
• Intense mindful progressive relaxation
The physical action of each exercise will counteract the intense rise in arousal. At the same time, the mindful focus will help you attend to something other than the anger itself. Remember, do not try to use stationary or “relaxing” techniques when you are angry. Unless you have had years of practice, staying in one place and attempting such techniques is usually a mistake. It typically leads to rumination and at worst results in a magnification of the problem.
Anger creates a lot of energy, and you can use it to your benefit. For a distraction method, direct that energy into a task that needs completing, and complete the task mindfully. Choose a simple, straightforward task —anger taxes the resources needed for tackling anything complex, such as a task requiring intense thought and logic. Examples of appropriate tasks include organizing files (e.g., email, paper), taking a walk (e.g., to get water, pick up mail, drop off a report), and leaving or returning phone messages to people not associated with the anger-producing event.
3. Rewrite
Rewrite only after fully engaging in action-distraction, including any Breathe exercises (for instance, rewrite after, not during, a brisk walk). Throughout the rewriting process, try to engage in deep breathing. Just thinking about the situation that made you angry tends to bring back the negative physiological response.
Noticing automatic thoughts and identifying distortions are particularly difficult steps to take when you are angry because the thoughts will tend toward the extreme and you may find enjoyment or satisfaction in thinking about them. To deal with this problem, do the following:
• Try to determine whether the thoughts are truly automatic—you may be consciously fueling them. Sometimes when we are angry, we intentionally create an inner dialog full of thought distortions. It might “feel good” to do this, but will in no way help the situation; so see whether your angry inner voice is fueling your thoughts.
• Identify distortions. These tend to involve a predominantly negative focus on the situation, negative thoughts about others, and an attempt to blame the situation on anyone but oneself.
In general, be on the alert for distortions such as discounting the positive, blame, mental filtering, emotional reasoning, magnification, and the use of the words never and always. Be sure to challenge the distortions. Ask, “Is my anger justified?” If you think so, then what is the evidence for this? Even if the anger is justified, ask yourself whether the thoughts are in your best interest. Engage in positive self-talk.
4. Take Action
Make sure that rewriting helped you separate the problem to be solved from the emotional hook. Typically anger arises because an expectation was not met. For instance, we expect to get to work quickly and then run into traffic—an obstacle that contradicts our expectation, thus provoking anger. To deal with anger, then, we must know what we expected. Was it a reasonable expectation? Does the expectation need to be addressed? Identifying the expectation can help clarify the problem to be solved.
Decision: To Communicate or Not
Your first decision is whether or not the situation or problem warrants action on the communication front. We usually see someone as the cause of our anger (whether that person indeed caused it or not). You must decide if you want to communicate with this person or someone else about the situation. Before taking this step, carefully consider whether a confrontation would be appropriate and useful. The confrontation will be useful only if …
(a) you are going to express your real feelings about the situation, or
(b) you can express clearly what you need from the person to resolve the situation or prevent it from recurring.
This means taking the time to acquire the answers to (a) and (b).
First, what are your real feelings about the situation? You are obviously angry, but where is that coming from? Typically anger is generated by hurt, betrayal, disapproval, frustration, humiliation, threat, or pain. Getting to the bottom of which emotion is fueling the anger will help you communicate the problem.
Second, discover what you need from the person to resolve the situation. What specific thing can be done or could have been done to eliminate the anger-generating emotion? What thwarted expectation was behind the anger? In this communication, what do you need or expect to get in order to resolve the problem? Be as specific as you can in answering that question. Finally, who can meet this need? The person to approach is the person capable of actually meeting your need.
Choosing to Communicate
If you provided clear, concrete answers to the questions above and decide to communicate, then:
• Be specific about what your expectations were and what the problem was.
• Ask for what you need and suggest specific actions that you feel should be taken.
For example, a good approach is “I feel [specify feelings]. I feel this way because [specify reason]. I need [provide concrete and specific needs]. If possible, in the future could we approach the situation in the following way? [Provide concrete and specific suggestions].”
Choosing Not to Communicate
If you could not provide clear, concrete answers to all the decisive questions, then it is probably inappropriate to engage in an interaction about the situation. Perhaps at this time it is simply not possible to address or change the anger’s underlying cause.
In such a case, you need to focus on changing your reaction to the situation. It is important to act in some way, for unexpressed anger can manifest itself in physical problems (such as headaches and indigestion) or, worse, in lashing-out behaviors. For a form of action, continue to use rewriting and action-distraction to lessen the impact of the original event. Also, consider discussing your feelings with someone who is not connected with your workplace.
As we have seen in this chapter, anger begins with intense arousal accompanied by the feeling we have been wronged. It is important to use action-distraction to keep our physiological reaction from spiraling out of control, and to minimize rumination. Once you have used rewriting to separate the problem from the emotional hook, you must decide whether or not to take action by communicating the problem. If you choose to communicate, it is important to consider what you need in order to resolve the situation. If you choose not to communicate, it is important to dissipate the pressure situation by continuing to engage in action-distraction and rewriting.