Truth 27. The similarity principle
Think about the last social event you attended where you met someone for the first time. Chances are, you spent the first part of your conversation trying to establish a point of similarity. When people meet for the first time, they relentlessly search for a point of similarity. For example, “Do I detect a Texas accent?” “Have you ever met my friend Rhonda?” “Where did you go to school?”
The irrepressible urge to find a point of similarity in others is hardwired in most of us. It is our primitive way of sizing up whether someone is friend or foe, threat or opportunity. Someone who is like us might share some of our gene pool and work with us, not against us.
The irrepressible urge to find a point of similarity in others is hardwired in most of us.
Part of negotiation is trying to find a point of similarity. It is best to do this early on in a negotiation to help grease the wheels for agreement.
Evidence for the similarity principle is overwhelming. In one investigation, people were randomly divided into two groups: dot overestimators and dot underestimators. (Everyone had to guess how many dots were on a page.)9 Then each person was informed that he or she was either a dot overestimator or a dot underestimator. (Of course, they were actually told at random if they were dot overestimators or dot underestimators.) Next, they engaged in negotiation with someone who was either described as a dot underestimator or a dot overestimator. The results were dramatic: People behaved much more cooperatively with people who were part of the same dot estimator group. This was shocking because who in the heck cares about dots anyway? The point, however, is worth noting: People cooperate more with others who are supposedly similar to them and compete more with others who are different from them. It certainly behooves all of us to find a point of similarity with the counterparty.
In another investigation, marchers in a political demonstration were more likely to sign a petition if the requester was dressed like them.10 Moreover, they signed the petition without even reading it when the requester was dressed similarly to them!
The similarity principle works also for social networks. If you can find a common point of connection that is a similar person, this creates a psychological obligation to like the other person. Suppose, for example, that Mary is negotiating with Ned. They have never met, but Mary learns that Ned knows (and likes) Jose. Mary also likes Jose. This means that Mary and Ned are most likely going to want to get along, to put the entire social network in a state of harmony.
It certainly behooves all of us to find a point of similarity with the counterparty.